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I couldn’t resist.  After watching what I did last night from the 8-9 news hour, I just had to do it one more time.  This time, I grabbed a piece of paper and started scribbling notes.

MSNBC: Ah, Rachel Maddow.  How do I hate thee?  Maddow’s show was much like last night’s.  And shocking!  Maddow starts off again with Brian Williams and the sad guy who’s been reporting in Haiti for 30 years.  And they tell us, that yes, it is bad.  Things in Haiti, they’re still bad.  Who knew?  Then she cuts to some correspondent who shows his footage from the day, and literally ends it by basically saying “this is the definition of people who need help.”  Okay, got it.  Haiti needs help.  Back to Maddow who starts telling us how the United States is contributing.  There’s this great, magical organization called Doctors Without Borders.  And Doctors Without Borders is wonderful.  And Doctors Without Borders is here to save the day.  And Doctors Without Borders can heal this sick.  And Doctors Without Borders can raise the dead.  And Doctors Without Borders…my point is it was a little overkill, especially with using the words “Doctors Without Borders.”  Then she’s got some guy from some other organization (sorry, can’t read my notes) who also tells us how much we’re helping.  Got it.  Haiti needs help.  We’re helping.  The United States, and President Obama.  Then we get some lady on who tells us some history about Hispanola.  Not sure of the political leaning here, it actually seemed pretty straight-forward and interesting.  Then the Secretary (that is, Obama’s Secretary) of Agriculture is on.  And he tells us all the wonderful ways the United States is helping.  And we end with Maddow and some guy who runs a completely genius company called MGIVE.  Here’s how MGIVE works, as far as I can tell - they setup a number that people can text message to donate money to non-profits and charities.  You get a number, like 7777 and text “Red Cross” or something like that, and via your phone bill, you donate money to the Red Cross.  A pretty easy, and convenient way for people to donate money to their favorite charities.  Seriously, no sarcasm.  And what does MGIVE get out of this?  Well I’m glad you asked!  Sign up for the “BRONZE Plan and they get a one time setup fee of $500, $399 per month, and $.35 + 3.5% of the donation!  Sign up for the SILVER plan and they get a one time setup of $500, $649 per month, and $.32 + 3.5% of the donation!  Or, be a BIG spender and sign up for the GOLD PLAN and they get a $500 setup fee, $1,499 per month, and $.30 + 3.5% of the donation!  Now, I have to say, this has got to be one of the best ideas I’ve ever heard.  Seriously.  I wish I had thought of this.  MGIVE = complete fucking genius.  Anyway, the dude from MGIVE says that for the Red Cross Haiti donation, they’ve waived all their fees.  Well that’s nice.  But this guy also got a pretty fucking awesome plug on MSNBC, as Maddow  gives him about ten minutes to talk and also says that she used MGIVE to donate to the Red Cross earlier today.  So once again our theme is clear.  Thanks MSNBC!

CNN: It’s Larry King!  How this man is still semi-coherent I have no idea.  Anyway, we go straight to Anderson Cooper who is on the scene.  And Anderson Cooper’s got more great stories of the things he’s seen and the shit he’s witnessed.  And it is fucked up.  I mean, you wouldn’t fucking believe the shit Cooper has seen.  He saw a dead 13 year old girl put on a dump truck and but in a giant bin full of bodies (and thanks to some handy camera-work, we get to see the footage!).  He also has some other tales of woe and despair and it’s all very in your face and graphic sounding.  Next up is Philadelphia 76’s center Sam Dalembert (who is also on my fantasy basketball team).  He’s sad.  He wants to go help.  More tragic pictures shown side by side as he speaks.  Oh yeah, he’s Haitian.  Then they show a PSA for the Red Cross starring Michelle Obama (hmm, this seems to be on the wrong channel).  Then they go back to Haiti and some boring guy talks while, side by side, more graphic images are shown!  Well, side by side is a bit misleading.  On my TV screen let’s say he took up 10% of it, the GRAPHIC IMAGES took up about 65% of it, and the rest of the screen were fancy CNN graphics.  Boring guy is done talking and then we cut to some American girl who lost her foot in the earthquake, but is now safe and back in the US.  Well thank god she’s back.  Her story too, is pretty remarkable, almost movie-like.  Then we cut back to some correspondent in Haiti and she too has seen some crazy shit!  She tells a story of a man who was literally being burned by a blowtorch in order to get him out from rubble.  The story, wow.  I mean it’s fucking amazing.  Just another action-packed, amazing story from Haiti.  Oh, and while she speaks, as if the story isn’t enough, we get more side by side GRAPHIC IMAGES.  Then we end with the director of US Aid talking while we get more side by side GRAPHIC IMAGES.  Seriously.  It would seem the theme here too hasn’t really changed.

Fox News: I don’t have a lot of notes from Fox News.  Why?  Well, Hannity started off the show with a 30 second news bite about the earthquake in Haiti.  Surprisingly this time, he doesn’t make up numbers or misrepresent facts.  However, we cut straight to….a THREE DAY OLD INTERVIEW HE DID WITH SARAH PALIN!  And it lasts for…30 FUCKING MINUTES!  Dude!  Dude!  One of the biggest natural disasters in recent history just happened, and you’re talking to Sarah Palin about…about what?  Despite how hot Sarah Palin looked, I couldn’t bare to watch most of this.  After the THREE DAY OLD INTERVIEW HE DID WITH SARAH PALIN was over, we got a Fox Newsbreak.  Some way less cute anchor than the one last night comes on and gives us some more actual facts about Haiti.  That lasts about 30 seconds before we go back to Hannity who is talking to Newt Gingrich about….not Haiti, but the MASSACHUSETTES ELECTION!  And this might be one of the biggest elections of all time!  It must!  Right?  So then after that we get the Sean Hannity Great Great Great American Panel (except for the one blithering idiot democrat he always has on, tonight no exception).  They discuss more things not Haiti.  And then the show ends.

I’m not sure I can handle another night of this.

Oh my god I fucking love cable news.  I’m about 40 minutes late in starting to type this so I’m just trying to keep up.

So, there was a giant earthquake in Haiti today.  7.0.  It was right in the center of Port au Prince, which is the capital and has 2 million of Haiti’s 9 million people.

Here are the facts as we know them: the president of Haiti has said that 50-100,000 people might be dead.  Many countries, including the United States, Iceland, Venezuela, and China are sending aid.  The United states has sent 2,000 marines and supplies.  The population of Haiti is 9 million.  The population of Haiti is 9 million.  The population of Haiti is 9 million.  THE POPULATION OF HAITI IS 9 MILLION.  The population of Port Au Prince is roughly 2.5-3 million.  The American Red Cross estimates that as many as 3 million Haitians are in need of help.  These are the facts.  ANNNNNNNNNND GOOOOOOOOOOO!

First up, the end of Olberman running into Maddow:

Olberman discusses some insane shit that Pat Robertson said, which essentially was “Haiti got its independence by making a deal with the devil, true story.”  BAM.  Followed by clips of Rush Limbaugh saying that our big, great president came right to the rescue for the black children of Haiti but waiting THREE DAYS to respond to the failed underwear bomber.  Always the blacks on top!  These people are so fucking crazy.

Maddow:  Caught the first few of her while I was flipping back and forth.  But first, a change to Fox to see what’s going on there:

Hannity:  Um, something about democratic political corruption?  Er, you guys know that like, a huge natural disaster is currently happening, right?  Okay, back to Maddow!

Maddow: Maddow has Brian Williams, and a few other NBC newspeople on the ground.  And they’re talking about the dire situation in Haiti.  I mean, man, it’s bad.  That’s roughly the consensus among all five.  Things are bad here in Haiti.  One guy basically said that Haiti is a complete shithole, and that was even BEFORE the earthquake!  And this guy, he would know how shitty Haiti is because he’s been reporting there seemingly forever.  Al Roker starts talking about…the weather (sorry I left the room for a minute but when I got back he WAS talking about the weather).  Even the weather is shitty.  Man oh man, Haiti is shitty.  And what do they need more than anything?  THEY NEED HELP!  And over to Fox News!

Hannity:  Um, still talking about democratic political corruption??  Hey, FOX! Wake up, guys!  And back to CNN:

Larry King interviews Anderson Cooper who is in Port Au Prince.  Anderson cooper tells us some just, heart-wrenching stories, some of which might even be true, about the truly amazingly, tragic, almost…movie-like things that he has witnessed since arriving.  A 13 year old girl was just pulled from rubble, having survived 18 hours under it.  Holy shit, that’s crazy right?  But it’s worse, Anderson tells us, as rescue workers pulled her out, and sat her down next to her four dead relatives.  Seriously.  I hope we get to see pictures of this, because, you know, you’d think since CNN was on the scene to witness this, they should have some shots. Not saying this didn’t happen, I’m just saying that Anderson Cooper’s tales were pretty fucking dramatic….and back to Maddow!

Maddow:  She’s got a woman from the Red Cross on.  They discuss how fucked up Haiti is, and how the US has already helped (thanks, Mr. Obama!), and how there’s already hope (thanks again Mr. Obama!).  But how else can we help, because we as Americans, have to help!  The red cross woman tells us how we can help.  Thanks, MSNBC!  America kicks ass (thanks to a certain charmingly handsome black president!).  And over to CNN!

CNN: We are live on the scene with Dr. Sanjay Gupta, medical correspondent, who tells us that GUNSHOTS!  GUNSHOTS LARRY!  THERE’S BEEN GUNSHOTS HERE IN PORT AU PRINCE!  THIS SHIT IS FUCKING DRAMATIC.  GET US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, LARRY!  I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS CRAZY, FUCKING, DRAMATIC ACTION!!  That’s only half an exaggeration.  And back to Maddow:

Maddow: Maddow’s got the US Ambassador to Haiti on the line and this motherfucker is pissed off.  He starts off by calling out Pat Robertson.  And I’ve never seen a Haitian so pissed off before.  He basically says that the United States has directly profited (namely the Louisiana Purchase) off of Haiti’s independence, so if Haiti made a deal with the devil, well then what does that say about the US.  Bam!  This shit was so fucking gangster.  And a quick cut over to Fox News:
Fox:  Newsbreak!  We cut to some cute, blonde Fox anchor.  Fox Anchor: Hey, we just heard about some earthquake in Haiti.  The president of Haitihas said that thousands are dead.  Thousands.  By the way, the United States has sent 2,000 marines and aid.  Big deal.  The Red Cross says that as many as 9 MILLION HAITIANS are in need of help.  You connect the dots.  Or I’ll just connect the dots.  Fox News, would have us believe that only “thousands” of people are dead, yet 9 million people are in need of assistance.  That’s the whole fucking country.  It’s pretty amazing that they’re trying to downplay the earthquake, yet making it sound 3 times as large as all other reports (including the Red Cross’s own statement that 3 million people NOT NINE MILLION PEOPLE, THE ENTIRE FUCKING POPULATION OF THE COUNTRY) and so clearly 2,000 marines are a huge fucking help.  Gee thanks, asshole president!  And back to CNN:

CNN:  Larry King’s got Ben Stiller and some hot black actress who is apparently Haitian on.  And oh dear god, the tragedy! The shock!  The horror!  The hot black actress was so moved by the pictures she’s been seeing.  And cut to commercial!  But not before a montage of horrible pictures of the destruction in Haiti!  And cut to Fox!

Fox: It’s the Sean Hannity Great Great American Panel!  And it’s a bunch of assholes talking about…not Haiti!  Cut back to CNN:

CNN: Larry King shows us a bunch of sad looking black people who are apparently missing relatives in Haiti.  Everyone is sad.  TRAGEDY!  DRAMA!

And back to Maddow:  Maddow tells us how, specifically, we can help.  How we great democratic Americans who love Lord Barrack Obama, can help.  Because that’s what we do.  Back to Fox!

Fox: Still the Great Great Great Greatly…blind(?) American Panel is still talking about…I’m not sure, not Haiti.

And we’re out of time!

(bonus coverage!  Anderson Cooper warns us about…GRAPHIC IMAGES!  IT’S FUCKING HORRIBLE!  IT’S TERRIBLE!  Gretta Van Sustern also mentions thousands have been injured though I can’t look at this woman so I change the channel.  Anderson Cooper makes me look like an asshole by showing footage of the 13 year old girl who is trapped and rescued.  Wow, that was dramatic!)
So, to summarize:

MSNBC:  Haiti is fucked.  Haiti needs help.  Hey, Americans have been helping!  Liberal Americans who love our president!

Fox News: Yawn,  Wake us up when something interesting happens.  9 million people need help and we’re sending 2,000?  What a joke this country has become.

CNN: LIGHTS!  CAMERA!  ACTION!

Well, I’ve finally made it in life.  Time to end it all.

It seems that if you type “I hate the UPS guy” into google, my blog post is the first thing that shows up.  I also show up #4 if you search “UPS guy hair,” which I’m not sure why.  What’s so great about his hair?  He looks like a fucking asshole who wants to tell you about all the AP classes he took in high school.

Anyway, other strings that apparently find my blog are “ups commercial perfect circles,” (Yeah, I’m not impressed with that either, dickface) and “ups whiteboard guy sucks.”

However, “Craig Kilborn” is still way out in front.  I figured this wouldn’t be the case given the inordinate number of comments on my UPS post.  It would seem that people hate him SO MUCH, that they are more inclined to write about their hatred.  For some reason, I find this fascinating.

And it’s not just that - many of the comments on the UPS whiteboard guy post (see here: http://copyandcigarettes.com/?p=594) are like, incredibly funny.  This leads me to believe that not only are the people who find this site through the whiteboard guy funny, but they are probably also intelligent, whereas some of the Craig Kilborn posts are not as intelligent.  So people who hate the UPS whiteboard guy >>> Craig Kilborn people.  Seriously, go read some of those comments, here’s my favorite one so far:

“I can only thank God in heaven that someone is finally providing a forum for discussion of the incomprehensible annoyingness of this fucktard. I detest him with the fire of a thousand blazing supernovas. Why is he still on? Whose idea is this of a great corporate spokesman?

If such a colossal turdbag actually had the audacity to show up at our office, the presentation would last about 45 seconds, after which there would be a beatdown and head-shaving. And then it would get ugly.

Please UPS, either take him off TV or set the whiteboard up in an open field surrounded by crazed pumas.”

So for the longest time, the search string that brought the most people to my blog was Craig Kilborn. Seemed like a shit ton of people just really wanted to know where that guy is.

But, a new phenomenon is occuring now.  Apparently, if you search for “UPS Whiteboard Guy Douche” I’m the second hit in Google.  That’s pretty sweet.

As such, this blog has been getting overrun by like minded people who hate this cuntfaced assfuck.

It’s quickly become my second most commented post, after Craig Kilborn, and within a few days I’m pretty sure it will be number one.

I guess I had no idea how many people hate this piece of shit, smug asshole.

The part of it that bothers me the most, is that UPS fucking sucks.  I have to rely on UPS a lot for my job, and if there’s one thing that brown can do for you, it’s fuck up your day.  You know what these fuckers do if someone ships something to a building but forget to put a suite number down?  They don’t bother delivering.  They just say, “fuck it, fuck you, we’re UPS and we’re too lazy to look at a directory.”

Look, I know these drivers are busy dudes and have a lot of stops to make.  Well you know who else are busy dudes and have a lot of stops to make?  Fedex drivers.  Yet, when the same shit happens to Fedex, you know what they do?  They either look at a goddamn directory and deliver your shit, or they call the shipper to get a fucking suite number.

You don’t see that in these whiteboard commercials.  It’s just not there.  But it should be.  Just the assfuck whiteboard guy standing there, and maybe he draws a middle finger, and then when they try to get cute and start animating shit, maybe it can wave back and forth at you.

So anyway, I’m glad that all of us whiteboard hating people have come together on my blog.  He is a fucking douche and you are all welcome here.

Fuck you UPS whiteboard guy.

I was searching my blog for something the other day and came across the following post, that personally, I find fucking hilarious.  So I’m reposting for fun.

Who’s Gay?

So the big news this week (aside from Anna Nicole Smith’s sudden death) came from the NBA where former player John Amaechi has come out of the closet and announced he’s gay.  This is apparently big news, since he’s the first ever NBA player to say he’s gay.

Honestly, I don’t see why this is that big a deal.  But athletes tend to be stupid, thus there’s a lot of homophobia in all the major sports.  This is what makes it difficult for guys like John Amaechi to come out while they’re still playing.  But any pro athlete who thinks that there aren’t any gay dudes on their team, well that’s just completely naive.

One of the better quotes that has since come out since this story broke came from Duke’s own Shavlik Randolph.  First off, I don’t know why anyone is quoting him anyway, I mean it’s fucking Shavlik Randolph.  The fact that this douchebag is even in the NBA still baffles me.  But anyway, here’s his quote, in case you missed it: “”As long as you don’t bring your gayness on me, I’m fine.”  In case you’ve never seen Shavlik Randolph, I really don’t think he needs to worry about anyone coming on to him, man or woman.  Shavlik Randolph is one ugly fucker.

But that’s the one thing that always seems to resonate whenever a story like this breaks, where players are so fearful that the homosexuals on their teams will suddenly start trying to assrape them.  What’s truly great about this, is that like I already stated, there are probably a dozen or so (maybe more) gay people already playing in the NBA.  They’re just not out because everyone that surrounds them is so fucking stupid.

Think about it.  There are over 400 players in the NBA.  You don’t think that 2-3% of these people are gay?  Of course they are.  It’s just like any demographic of society.  I don’t care what you do or who you are, just because you play ball for a living doesn’t mean you can’t be gay.  What idiots like Shavlik Randolph need to realize is that they’re probably already playing with someone who is gay.  Big fucking deal.

So I figured I’d try to have a little fun with this and figure out who else in the NBA likes to shoot at his own team’s basket.  Here are a few candidates:

Shavlik Randolph:  Oh come on, this one is too easy.  It’s no secret that the biggest gay-bashers are the ones who are gay themselves.  It also doesn’t help that he’s from Duke, where most of our homosexual athletes come from.  We all know that Coach K is prone towards recruiting homosexuals (see below).

the rest in alphabetical order:

Ray Allen:  I’ve always had a lot of respect for Ray Allen.  He generally seems like a good guy, and the guy is a baller despite the fact that he’s been on some seriously shitty teams his entire career.  But there’s just something about him…yeah, he’s definitely gay.

Shane Battier:  Unlike Ray Allen, I hate this douchebag, but not because he’s a homosexual.  I hate him because he’s always comes across as such a smug piece of shit, dating back to his days at, that’s right, Duke.  Why are all Duke players homosexuals?  I don’t know.

Kwame Brown:  Okay, he might not be gay, but he does play basketball like a woman.

Kobe Bryant:  I’m pretty sure all that ‘rape’ stuff was just an act to cover for the fact that he’s gay.  I mean, the guy got married to his high school girlfriend.  What athlete would marry his high school girlfriend when there’s so much hot ass on the road every week?  It doesn’t make any sense.  No no, Kobe Bryant is probably gay.

Boris Diaw:  He’s French.  Enough said.

Rudy Gay:  I mean shit, it’s in his fucking NAME.

Devin Harris:  Isn’t Devin a girl’s name?

Brendan Haywood:  I love Brendan.  But there’s something about him that screams “self-hating queer.”  Why do you think he gets into fights all the time?

Sarunas Jasikevicius:  Maryland alum.  I only question him because he spent the last ten or so years playing ball in Israel, and from what I could tell from my trip there, every dude in Israel is gay.

Jared Jeffries:  Jared kinda looks like he wants to be wearing women’s clothing.  I’m just saying.

Jason Kapono:  I never liked this guy, but not because he’s gay.  He had a quote back when he was drafted about how he thought he should have gone higher but didn’t because he wasn’t European.  Whatever, pretty boy.

Mark Madsen:  Too obvious.

Adam Morrison:  Notorious crier.  Has the same hair as many women.  Gay.

Steve Nash:  Here’s a little known fact - Steve Nash has NEVER, EVER, been seen with a woman under any circumstances, ever.  He even refuses to give sideline interviews with female reporters.  By the way, none of that is true.

J.J. Redick:  How much do I hate this fucker (again, not because he’s gay).  And another Duke alum.

Ben Wallace:  Hey, there ARE some thug homos too.  Not all gay dudes are like Christopher Lowell.

Yao Ming:  Just cause.

Hey, maybe someone could help me out here, wasn’t Tracy Murray supposedly gay?  Wasn’t that why he got into that fight when Rod Strickland beat the shit out of him?  I can’t remember.  Anyone?

There’s this commercial they run on Fox news all the time.  In fact, up until just the other day, I thought it was only run on Fox News but then I saw it on, I believe Comedy Central.

The commercial is basically a bunch of children saying what they want to be when they grow up:

“I’m a life and I want to be an astronaut.”

“I’m a life and I want to be a supreme court justice.” (as if a 9 year old girl even knows what that means)

And of course it ends with this 10 year old black girl who says “I want to be president of the United States!  And I’m a life!”

Yeah.  The only realistic part of this commercial is the little girl who says, “I want to be a mom.”  Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can pull that one off.

Other than that, someone should tell these kids to reach a little lower.

Look, if you have kids, I think it’s great to encourage them.  But let’s not be delusional here.  There are maybe what, a dozen astronauts in this country?  There’s what, nine Supreme Court Justices?  I know there’s only one president.

However, there are plenty of moms.

All I’m saying is that this pro-life commerical is entirely stupid.  And these poor deluded child actors.  Well, maybe they’re not actually deluded because they are reading from a script, but if there are little black girls out there who think they can be the president one day…sorry honey, but that’s pretty fucking unlikely.

They really should remake this commercial a little more realistic.

“I’m a life, and I want to drive a cab!”

“I’m a life and I want to be unemployed and hang out in my parent’s basement!”

“I’m a life and I want to get addicted to meth and sell my body for it!”

See, there are lots of people who do these things.  Maybe if this commercial was a little more realistic I could get down with the pro-lifers.  Nah, probably not.

If you don’t follow football (especially the Redskins) just skip this whole part.

So, fuck them.  Fuck the Redskins.  I decided after the Carolina game last week that I was no longer going to waste my time and money on Sunday, going to the bar I always go to, to watch this team.

So I didn’t watch today.  But as I saw the score scrolling across the bottom of the screen it became pretty clear they were going to lose.  And lose they did.

I think part of the blame lies with Zorn, because from what I can tell, he is one of the worst play callers I can ever remember watching.  Part of the problem lies with the team because, come on, you can’t beat the Lions, Chiefs, or Panthers?

But the real problem lies with Dan Snyder and that idiot he’s got “running” the team, Vinny Cerrato.

Snyder’s owned the team for what, ten years now?  More?  Wouldn’t you think that by now he’d learn a little something about football and, you know, hire a real general manager?

I’m so fucking sick and tired of Snyder and Cerrato trying to run this team like they’re playing fantasy football.  Trade away all of our draft picks for big names.  Sign huge names in the off-season only to have cap issues and have those “star” players come in here and flop.

Why is it that we don’t just benchmark on what the succesful NFL franchises do?

It’s really pretty simple: keep your draft picks and build from within.  An offense starts with an offensive line.  With no line, it doesn’t fucking matter who your quarterbacks and receivers are.  Look what Brett Favre (Brett Favre!!) is doing in Minnesota for fuck’s sake!  Do you really think that 40 year old Brett Favre is a better quarterback than Jason Campbell?  I don’t think so.  I honestly don’t.  The big difference is that Brett Favre, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning have spectacular offensive lines while we have fucking garbage.  Well why is this?

Since Cerrato has been “running” the team, here’s what he’s done with draft picks regarding offensive linemen:

2002: Reggie Coleman (who???), Round 6

2003: Derrick Dockery, Round 3 (although we only had a 2nd, 3rd, and 7th round pick)

2004: Mark Wilson (who???), Round 5, Jim Molinaro (who???), Round 6

2005: None

2006: Kili Lefotu (whoo??), Round 7

2007: None

2008: Chad Rinehart, Round 3

2009: None

To recap, we’ve drafted 6 lineman since 2002 with the ONLY notable name being Dockery.

In Cerrato’s defense, it is hard to draft linemen when you HAVE NO DRAFT PICKS.  In 2003, we had no 1st, 4th, 5th, or 6th.  In 2004 we had no 2nd, 4th, or 7th.  In 2005 we had no 2nd or 3rd.  In 2006 we had no 1st, 3rd, or 4th.  In 2007 we had no 2nd, 3rd, or 4th.

There’s a pattern of complete ineptitude here.  Good teams USE the draft to BUILD TEAMS.  Because we’ve drafted almost no useful offensive linemen, and traded away a large chunk of our picks, we now have this dreadful mess.

It’s really not that difficult.  You know what the Patriots do?  They stockpile picks and build from within.  Why don’t we do this?  Why does Cerrato still have a job?

I’m so fucking sick and tired of this piece of shit team that seemingly gets worse every year.  I feel bad for Jason Campbell.  I feel bad for whoever has to come in and play quarterback behind this makeshift offensive line we’ve put together.  And it’s a shame because our defense has been great for the last several years - of course, rather than promote Gregg Williams two years ago, we showed him the door and hired Jim Zorn, who is so in over his head it’s ridiculous.

It’s pretty simple: if the Skins do not spend their off-season either drafting an offensive line, or bringing in some players (and not overpaying them) to fill these gaping holes on our roster, I am done.  I will stop rooting for this team.  As it is, I am done for this season.  It is unbearable to watch them.

Fuck Dan Snyder, I hate what he’s done to my football team.

As for Balloon Boy…well they said it was a hoax, which was sort of the “No shit” moment of the week.

I hope and pray they arrest these two moron parents and throw them in jail.  And make them pay huge restitution fees.

They did it to try to get a TV show.  A TV show.  Hey, fucktards, here’s an idea: how about you raise your fucking family.  You have three kids.  Raise your fucking family.  Raise your fucking family.  Why in the fuck should you have a television show?  Raise your goddamn children.  What makes you so goddamn special?  Raise your fucking children.
Fuck these people.  Throw them in jail forever and let their kids end up in foster care.  It’s what they deserve.

God this makes me so fucking angry.  What’s sad is, they probably will end up with a tv show.  There’s something really fucking wrong with this country.

Dear Brett Favre,

Come here you sexy thing.

No, no, walk a little slower.  Yeah, like that.  You know how I like it.

Can you do a little spin for me?  No, no, go the other way.  Yeah…mmmm…nice.

Can you blow me a little kiss?  Oh, yeah, just like that.  Fuck you are sexy.  Why don’t you take off that helmet so I can get a better look at that beautiful face of yours?  Nice.  Hot.

Oh I like how you look in those pants.  You big tease.  Why don’t you come on over here so we can get closer?

Oh yeah, the things I want to do to you.  Why don’t you remove those shoulder pads and we can get a little more comfortable?  Can I fix you a drink?  I’ve got some wine coolers in the fridge.

Yeah, take a sip of this.  It’s good, right?  Oh Brett, you get me so hot.

Oh, no!  I spilled my wine cooler all over your pants!  We better get those off of you and into the washer!

Don’t be shy, you can sit a little closer.

Oh Brett.  You are one sexy fuck.

I’m just going to dim the lights a little bit.  Yeah, that’s nice.  Sets the mood a little bit.

You’re not drinking your wine cooler!  Come on, it’s good.  It’s mango papaya, I’m sure you’ll like it.

Oh that?  That’s just my Fat Head of you on the wall.  What can I say, I’m a huge fan!

I’m going to put on some music.  Do you like Kenny G?  Yeah, that’s real nice.

My roommates won’t be home until tomorrow so we have the whooooole house to ourselves.  We can do whatever we want…

Yeah, I’m going to make you feel like a man.

(Slurp slurp, gobble gobble)

Sincerely, the Entire Sports Media

I don’t like Rachel Maddow.  I love Keith Olberman but I cannot stand her.  I watch bits and pieces of her show sometimes for the same reason I watch Sean Hannity.  I think it’s probably because she’s an uppity cunt.  When republicans call democrats “elitists” (which in and of itself is a total joke anyway) I think they are really referring to her.

I’ve noticed something she does though that I absolutely love.  She conducts interviews where she basically says everything she can without saying what she’s really thinking.  The other week she did all but say that Rod Blagoyovich (I know I spelled that wrong but I’m too lazy to look it up) had one of his top aides murdered (he was discovered dead in his car of an apparent intentional drug overdoes).

Anyway, I want to give a transcript of what she did tonight.  A little background:

A census worker in rural Kentucky was found hung with a sign on him that said “FED.”  She reported on this story a few days ago.

Tonight she had an interview with a guy I’m just going to call Gil who knew the man that was killed, Bill Sparkman.  The following is nearly a word for word exchange.
What Maddow Says: I’m sorry for our technical difficulties tonight and I’m sorry for your loss, thanks for being here.

What she’s really saying: I’m sorry that I’m about to totally own this interview.

Gil: Thank you for having me.

What Maddow Says: You told Mr. Sparkman to “be careful” in the area in which he was eventually killed and where his body was found, what were you telling him to be careful about?

What she’s really saying: Okay, so we all know that Mr. Sparkman was killed by crazy right wing evangelical hillbillies, right?

Gil: Well he was more used to more populated areas and he was going into the rural counties when he did his census work.    There are a lot of places over there where you don’t have phone service so it was a statement as a friend to be careful.

What Maddow Says: Were you worried about potential criminal activity in the area, were you worried about cell phone service were you worried about people being specifically being unhappy with him working for the census, what in particular made you worry about him going to that part of the state?

What she’s really saying:   Were you worried about potential criminal activity in the area, were you worried about cell phone service were you worried about ****PEOPLE BEING SPECIFICALLY UNHAPPY WITH HIM FOR WORKING FOR THE CENSUS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME YOU KNOW IT WAS REDNECK GUN-LOVING RIGHT WINGERS!!!!!!*****

Gil: Well uh, the road system over there is a little bit small roads, and I was afraid for his safety on driving the roads and I felt like he needed to let people know on his visits that he was there to collect statistics.

What Maddow Says:  Did he ever express any concern with you about his work with the census bureau, any problems he’d had on the job?

What she’s really saying: He did know that rural people in Kentucky hate the government and want him dead, right?

Gil: No, just the opposite, he really enjoyed his work and said people were really good to him.

What Maddow is thinking: FUCK!  COME ON GIL, THROW ME A BONE!  Okay, new tactic!
What Maddow Says: Um…this part of Kentucky, specifically these counties that you had expressed concern about him traveling to, are folks in this area familiar with the census and its purpose?  Is there any fear that you’re aware of that you might see some government intrustion?

What she’s really saying: Okay, Gil, here’s a softball.  We can all agree that people in rural Kentucky are backwoods, crazy, government hating psychopaths?  Right, Gil?

Gil: No, I’m not aware.  Of course, it’s been 12 years since I worked for the state police and I wasn’t aware of any problems then and I’m not aware of any problems now.

What she’s thinking: FUCK ME!  THIS GUY IS KILLING ME!”

What Maddow Says: In terms of Mr. Sparkman and your friendship with him and his state of mind, I understand that you saw him just a few days before he disappeared, can you shed any light on the speculation that he might have killed himself?

What she’s really saying:  Okay, I know you’re his buddy and there’s no way he killed himself, right?  I mean, it’s clear that these rednecks in Kentucky murdered him, right?  Yes?  RIght?

Gil: Well, I can tell you I did see him a few days before he disappeared and he was smiling like he always did and he was happy to be there.

What Maddow Says: There’s also been some speculation in particular because Daniel Boone State Forest has been known to have some marijuana growing, some meth trafficing, some other drug issues, there’s been some speculation that this had nothing to do with his job, he might have been the victim of a drug related scene…does that seem plausible to you?

What she’s really saying: FINALLY.  You’re on my side now Gil.  So this drug stuff, that probably wasn’t what killed him, that would be ridiculous, right?

Gil: I think that’s the big question that we have is what was the cause of death for Mr. Sparkman and what was he doing over in that area.  I’m not even sure he was doing census work, that hasn’t been confirmed so that’s the biggest question, what was he doing over there and what was the cause of death.

What Maddow Says:Gil, former state trooper and friend of Bill Sparkman whose death is now national news.  Thanks Gil for your time, you have our condolences.

What she’s really saying: Gotcha Gil.

For the record, an FBI spokesman has said “I think to give this impression that he was strung up because he was a federal employee is giving a bad impression to the nation.”

Whatever.

While the odds would appear that a dead census worker with a sign on him that says “FED” in the middle of Nowhere, Kentucky was probably killed by some crazy backwoods psychopath, it’s not definite.  Perhaps Sparkman was some major drug trafficker.  Perhaps Mr. Sparkman, beneath his happy interior, actually hated his census job, hated his mother, hated himself, and just wanted to die….with a sign around him letting people know who to contact upon finding his body.

The point is, we don’t know and may never know what happened.  But Rachel Maddow knows!  She knows and she wants to make you look dumb and her look smart as shit!

And while it probably will end up being exactly what she thinks it is, what a completely ridiculous interview.

As I get older an older, the more I pay attention to politics.  For some evidence of this, please read any post I wrote here during the last presidential election (where I incorrectly predicted a mccain/palin victory.  Anyway, politics are very hard to follow because of our incredibly biased news media swinging hard left or hard right.

And in that idea, I think I had an epiphany tonight.  I am going to create a new political party.  Let’s be honest, most politics are about money when it comes down to it, and, yeah, I’d like to make some money.  What better money is there than money in politics?

So, I’m creating a new party in this country.  And I nominate myself as our official speaker.  We’re the Center party.
It’s pretty simple.  We’re in the middle.  We have no policy.  We have no platform.  We have no in-bred ideals or philosphy until you do.We are quite simply, in the center.  We’ve got no political ideas until someone on one side does and the other side disagrees.
The fact remains, the USA leans towards the middle.  There are always going to be extremists in each end (thanks Bell Curve!) but overall, we are a moderate country.  Yet, there is no Center Party!  How can this be?  I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because the “Middle” or the “Moderate” or the “We’re In Between The Issue” Party like a bunch of pussies.  I think, in reality, it’s a naming problem.  Nobody wants to be part of the “I Like What Both You’re Saying” Party.  Nobody.

Again, I just want to reiterate that I’m just looking to make some money here.

I am therefore creating the Center Party.  We don’t lean left.  We don’t lean right.  We’re, what you might say, right in the Center.

We have no ideals.

We have no policy.

In fact, we don’t have anything at all until one side proposes something and the other side hates it.  At that point, we’ll come up with our suggestion, and you can believe that the answer is something right down the line.

Let’s take for example the current Health Care debate.

The left side believes in a Public Option and health care for everyone.

The right believe in no Public Option and health care either for those who are forced to pay for it.

The Center Party:  well, perhaps there should be some exceptions.  Like maybe, for people living below the poverty line there should be an exception.

Gay marriage: The left thinks gay people should be allowed to have marriage rights and be married just like everyone else.  The right thinks gay people shouldn’t have equal rights.

My party: Some gay people should have marriage rights.  Say, people who can prove they’ve shared a residence for a certain period of time.  Or something like that.  Listen, it’s just me right now in this thing.

I think you see my point.  And while I might agree or disagree with my own philosophies, it doesn’t really matter since I’m just about making money anyway.

So join the Center Party!  We are the futre of the United States of America!

(please leave a comment with your email address if you would like to send me money)

I was thinking, if our government ever stops arguing about death panels and birth certificates and they ever pass universal health care (which I’m not in favor of anyway), it’s going to really change the United States as we know it.

I mean, it’s even going to affect television and movies (really the only things I care about).  You remember that movie John Q with Denzel Washington?  No?  I don’t blame you, it sucked.  But basically in the movie, Denzel Washington gets fired from his job, loses his health coverage and then his son comes down with heart cancer or something.  But since Denzel doesn’t have health coverage anymore, he can’t afford to get heart cancer surgery for his son.  So what does he do?  He goes into a hospital and takes like a dozen people hostage in order to get the surgery done.  The movie is pretty fucking stupid, but the point is, with universal health coverage, Denzel wouldn’t have to do this.

So I think they should make John Q 2.  It will be the story of what happens the second time around after universal health coverage has been passed and Denzel’s son gets heart cancer again.  But this time, instead of having to take a hospital hostage, the movie is just like, two hours of Denzel Washington filling out paperwork.  And you can just watch him getting more and more frustrated with each passing minute.  It’s just two hours of Denzel visiting various governement offices, dealing with incompetent government employees, and filling out paperwork.  It will be the most boring and frustrating movie you’ve ever seen.  We’ll call it John Q 2: Government Beauracracy.  I promise you’ll hate it.

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Have I already mentioned how much I hate the tv and radio ads about those stupid Coor’s Light cans that change to blue when the beer is cold?  I think I have.  But they’re playing a new one.  I was driving home from work today and the radio ad went like this: “Hi, I’m Kevin.  This weekend I was at a barbecue and I went to grab a beer from the cooler but I didn’t know if it was cold or not!”  Oh really, Kevin?  What are you, fucking retarded?  You know how I can tell if a beer is cold or not?  I touch it.  I fucking touch it.  And guess what?  If it feels cold, I drink it.  If it doesn’t, I put it back in the fridge and I wait.  I don’t need a can to fucking change colors to let me know my beer is cold.  Because I’m not a complete fucking idiot.

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I make fun of religion a lot.  It’s easy and it’s fun.  Religion is stupid.  But speaking as a jew, I have to say, I think that we got one thing right, and that’s the subject of conversion.  When it comes to conversion, Jews are like the opposite of mormons.  We actually go out of our way to discourage people from converting.  Technically, a rabbi is supposed to reject a prospective convert three times before allowing them to convert.  And even then the convert has to do a shitload of studying and testing before they’re even allowed to convert.

Personally, I think that’s awesome.  It’s like “Are you really sure you want to do this?”  The only way this could be more awesome is if we took the same approach as mormons, except in reverse.  Like Jews should be forced to go on Anti-Missions where we travel to various parts of the world knocking on doors, passing out pamphlets about why you should probably just stay whatever religion you are and definitely NOT convert to judaism.  Basically, it would be a giant waste of time for everyone involved.  So I guess in that respect it would be a lot like a regular mission.

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Okay, I’m going to go watch football now.

Everyone following this story?

Well, I am.  Why?  Because I watched the first three episodes of Megan and it was fucking great.  There’s nothing like watching a complete human wasteland like Megan.  Megan, who’s initial “fame” spawned from Playboy and then Beauty and the Geek (the season I actually recapped at tvgasm), will sadly never be on reality tv again.  No, I take that back.  She’ll find a way.

Anyway, I love all these horrible “reality” shows on VH1.  Well, not all.  There are exceptions.  Real Chance of Love, I don’t watch.  Cause they’re black.  Just kidding.  I don’t watch it because I don’t particularly like either one of them and don’t find them entertaining.  I’m also not going to watch this stupid Antonio Sabado one.  But Rock of Love?  Check.  I Love New York?  Check.  Megan Wants a Millionaire?  Check.  I Love Money?  Sadly, check.

And now, we’ll never know what happened on the Megan show.  Maybe they’ll release it on DVD or something.  I’m not that quite pathetic enough to purchase that.

If you’re NOT following the story, here’s what happened:  This contestant from Megan Wants a Millionaire, Ryan Jenkins, goes missing after his estranged wife (and possible stripper based on some reports) shows up dead in a suitcase in Las Vegas with her fingers and teeth missing (probably so she couldn’t be identified).  Jenkins apparently flees to Canada (where he’s a citizen) as he’s being charged with murder.  He’s found hanging dead in a hotel in Canada.

Seriously, what a horrible story.  Here’s one interesting aspect - Jasmine Fiore, his dead wife, had to be ID’s by the serial number on her breast implants.

No, seriously.

I’m not sure who came up with the idea of putting a serial number on a breast implant, but fella, pure genius!  I imagine this is extremely helpful in solving Jane Doe cases involving dead strippers in suitcases and ditches.  It probably happens plenty, just the suspect isn’t a reality television star.

Jenkins also apparently WON VH1’s I Love Money 3 and that show will also probably never air.  So, to summarize the last year of Ryan Jenkins life: he is a semi-finalist on Megan Wants a Millionaire, briefly dates and later marries a woman (who may or may not be a stripper), wins $250,000 on a second reality show, murders his wife and chops up her body, flees to Canada, and then kills himself.

Wow.  What a year!   It would take me a life-time to accomplish all that.

I am upset that he did kill himself.  It’s a shame that he won’t have to live out the rest of his life being gang-raped in prison on a daily basis.  Because seriously, that guy was pretty.  It’s a real pussy way out.  I don’t really believe in an afterlife, but if there is one this guy should seriously burn in hell.

And poor Megan.  She’s got to be devistated by this whole thing.  I mean, her show is canceled.

Brett Favre, you sir, are an asshole.

As a football fan, I do and I don’t understand the Vikings signing this douchebag to a contract.  On the one hand, Favre is probably still a better quarterback than Sage Rosenfels, and Tevaris “I’m the worst starting quarterback in football” Jackson.  On the other hand, Brett Favre kinda sucked last year.  Especially at the end of the year.  Maybe it was because his arm hurt.  Maybe it was because he is 39 years old.  Maybe he’s just washed up.

I think it is pretty shitty that he decided to “stay retired” just long enough for him to sit out the Vikings entire training camp and then get on board after it was all said and done.  You know, who needs to learn plays and your teammates names when you’re Brett Favre? After all, you don’t need to know the names of your receivers when you’re too busy tossing the ball to the other team, right?

A lot of football fans will be looking forward to Favre going up against the Packers.  And while I hope the Packers find a way to annhilate him to the point he cannot stand up, I personally will be looking forward to him playing in Chicago at the end of December.  It’s not really a secret that Favre hasn’t been playing too well in cold weather games the last year or two and I can’t wait to see his old freezing ass get torn up by Chicago’s defense, assuming he makes it that far into the season.

Anyway, Brett Favre is a giant asshole.  I will be wishing many bad things upon him.

Shit, I forgot to watch Hannity tonight to see how he could spin this, but did you see what Bill Clinton did today?

The man got Kim Jong Il, clearly one of the more insane world leaders in the world, to pardon those two journalists who were imprisoned for some bullshit crime against North Korea.

It seems that Bill Clinton is like, BELOVED in North Korea, which seems strange.  I had meant to watch Hannity tonight to see how he could spin this against the democratic party.  Probably something to the effect of “OH MY GOD, NOW WE’RE NEGOTIATING WITH NORTH KOREA!”  Perhaps I can catch the repeat later tonight. Because honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised.  The fact is, this should be HUGE news, and further shows how fucking badass Bill Clinton still is.

Apparently, we were going to send Al Gore over there, but, and this is true, apparently North Korea leadership said something to the effect of “Fuck that boring asshole.”

It’s pretty amazing to think that not too long ago the republicans were trying to impeach this guy for lying about a blowjob.

Meant to write about this a few weeks ago when I first saw the trailer.

Has anyone seen the trailer for the new GI Joe movie?  Well here it is.  Prepared to be amazed.  And when I say amazed, I mean confused and possibly suicidal:

Christ almighty is this what we’ve become?  I’m not one for big, loud action movies where things blow up and cars crash and people get shot.  I like some, if it’s unique or somehow different than all the other Michael Bay drivel that’s out around this time of the year.  But this…this looks remarkably bad.

First of all, the first time I saw this trailer I was shocked, SHOCKED, when at the end it said it was the GI Joe movie.  Literally, out loud I said “What in the fuck?”  Because really, what in the fuck?

I have to say though, I do like the part in the trailer where the Eiffel Tower falls over because, fuck the French, right?  Even better that it gets destroyed by some green cum-like substance.  Very cool.

But this shit about Accelerator Suits?  What the shit is that?  I fucking loved GI Joe when I was a kid.  I probably owned a few hundred of them and a couple of dozen vehicles.  And I don’t remember any stupid fucking accelerator suits.

“What does it accelerate?”

“You.”

Who’d they get to write this script, Sarah Palin?

Man this looks terrible, and from the sound of it, there’s a very good chance this might be one of the most expensive flops in history.  I hope so.  Thanks for ruining one of my favorite childhood memories.

Assholes.

Read this tonight, figured I’d repost here.  The whole “birther” phenomenon is truly fascinating and disturbing at the same time.  Here’s what Eugene Robinson had to say (courtesy of the Washington Post):

If there’s been a more clinically insane political phenomenon in my lifetime than the “birthers,” I’ve missed it. Is this what our national discourse has come to? Sheer paranoid fantasy?

I’m talking about the people who have convinced themselves that Barack Obama was not really born in the United States, and thus is ineligible to be president. Even some commentators who usually are among Obama’s most rabid critics have acknowledged that this idea is simply nuts. Yet it persists, out there on the farthest fringes of the right-wing blogosphere. Oh, and also on CNN, which is usually a little closer to reality.

It has been definitively shown that there is not a scintilla of truth, or even the slightest ambiguity, in the whole “birther” idea. Officials in Hawaii have attested again and again that Obama was, in fact, born in Honolulu on Aug. 4, 1961. When the “birthers” demanded to see his birth certificate, state officials produced it. Journalists have looked at this complete non-story from every angle and concluded that it is, in fact, a complete non-story.

To believe otherwise, it’s necessary to explain that birth announcements heralding the arrival of baby boy Barack Obama ran in two Honolulu newspapers in August 1961. So to be a card-carrying “birther,” you have to believe not only that Hawaiian officials conspired to fabricate records but also that “they” — not state officials, necessarily, but the generic malevolent “they” who inevitably lurk behind the deepest, darkest conspiracies — somehow managed to alter or replace clippings in yellowing newspaper archives.

These would be people who also believe that Stanley Kubrick’s comic masterpiece, “Dr. Strangelove,” was actually a documentary — and that Obama’s ultimate aim, as cleverly deduced by Gen. Jack D. Ripper, is to “sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

There are probably people out there who think the world is flat, and they’re not worth writing about. The “birthers” wouldn’t be, either, unless you believe a poll released last week by Research 2000 revealing that an astounding 28 percent of Republicans actually think that Obama was not born in the United States and a separate 30 percent are “not sure.” GOP officials need to order more tinfoil.

The survey, commissioned by the liberal Web site Daily Kos, found that 93 percent of Democrats and 83 percent of independents have no doubt — duh — that Obama was born in the United States. That only 42 percent of Republicans are similarly convinced is a fascinating indicator of just how far the Republican Party has drifted from the mainstream.

Also beyond the Outer Limits of sanity is CNN anchor Lou Dobbs, who has been giving prime-time exposure to the “birther” lunacy — even while denying that he believes it. Dobbs’s obsession with the “story” has become an embarrassment to the network, which has tried to position itself as untainted by political bias. Jon Klein, president of CNN’s U.S. division, has pronounced the story “dead” but insists that it’s legitimate for Dobbs to examine the alleged controversy, though in fact no controversy exists.

The “birther” thing is only Dobbs’s latest detour from objective reality. For years, he has crusaded against illegal immigration by citing facts and figures that often turn out to be wrong. Television can confer a kind of pseudo-reality on any manner of nonsense.

Is this an orchestrated campaign to somehow delegitimize Obama’s presidency? Is the fact that he is the first African American president a factor? Is it that some people can’t or won’t accept that he won the election and serves as commander in chief?

Maybe, maybe not. Trying to analyze the “birther” phenomenon would mean taking it seriously, and taking it seriously would be like arguing about the color of unicorns. About all that can be said is that a bunch of lost, confused and frightened people have decided to seek refuge in conspiratorial make-believe. I hope they’re harmless. And I hope they seek help.

So Michael Vick got reinstated into the NFL today.  Since there are so many teams out there with lousy quarterback situations, someone will almost certainly sign him shortly (I’m looking at you Raiders).  I read a lot of message boards today and the general feeling is pretty mixed.  Some people are of the mind that what Mike Vick did was completely heinous (and it was) and so he should never be allowed to play in the NFL ever again.

I have to say, I disagree with that sentiment.  Vick served two years in jail and pretty much lost everything he owns.  Did he deserve that?  Yes, I think so.  But does the NFL have the right to make sure he never earns a living ever again?  I don’t think so.  The man went to jail and served his time and he deserves to be allowed to play again.

Having said that, I wouldn’t want my team to sign him.  I wouldn’t want him anywhere near the Redskins.  One, I think what he did was disgusting and I wouldn’t want to have to support him and two, he’s just not that good of a quarterback.

But he will play and that’s fine.  The amount of abuse that is headed his way will be exteme.  I do think that whatever time signs him should have to agree to the following stipulations:

Every time Vick throws an incomplete pass, one lucky fan gets to send an electric shock through his body via a remote control.  They could even choose the lucky fan every quarter through some kind of “who is wearing the most anti-Mike-Vick outfit in the stadium.  And since we are talking about Michael Vick here, you can expect this to happen at least a couple of dozen times a game.  And if he throws an interception the same lucky fan gets to come down to the field and hit him in the knees with a crowbar.  If nothing else, it will make for exciting football.

And while I’m on football, what the fuck is with all the Brett Favre drama again?  Christ, is the quarterback situation in Minnesota so bad that they actually want this washed up loser?  The last 5 games of 2008, his quarterback ratings were: 60.9, 60.8, 61.4, 48.7, and 45.1 with TWO touchdowns vs. 9 picks.  Given that Minnesota MIGHT be in a playoff race in the second half of the season, is this the guy you really want behind center?  And it’s not just that his stats were atrocious the last portion of the season, he just looked…bad.  He looked…old.  You’re telling me that this is the best option?

Honestly, I want to see Favre come back this one last time (or next to last time or whatever) because I am dying to see him suck and ruin Minnesota’s playoff hopes.

Do you remember the early 2000’s when it seemed all of Fox’s prime time programming were horrible (and sometimes awesome) reality shows?  A small sampling of the ones I remember:

Boot Camp (totally awesome)

Love Cruise

Temptation Island

Paradise Hotel

Mr. Personality (hosted by one Monica Lewinsky)

Joe Millionaire and Joe Millionaire 2

Anyway, these are just the ones I remember off the top of my head.  And to answer your question, yes, I watched all of the above.  Why?  Why not.

So as I was watching the season finale of Daisy of Love last night (yes, I watch that too), I saw a commercial for some new show on Fox that I believe starts on Wednesday night called…shit…I think it was called More to Love, or some shit.

The premise?  Fat people in love.  Classic.  I’m already a fan.

The only part of the preview I really caught before it ended was some enormous woman saying something like “I love that you like normal sized women!”  Lady, being 200 pounds overweight is not normal.  Sorry.

Anyway, I need to find out exactly when this show starts and set my DVR.  I can only hope this is a trend back to the wonderful Fox programming of 7 or 8 years ago.  Be sure that I’ll be blogging about this after viewing.

I love horror movies yet there are so few great ones.  I can probably count on one hand really, really great horror movies.

But I watched a movie the other night that shook my bones to the core.

It was called Jesus Camp, and I guess you could say that it’s not a horror movie in the typical use of the term.  If you haven’t seen this movie, I suggest picking it up as fast as possible.

Jesus Camp is actually a documentary about a brainwashing evangelical camp for families run by a fat lesbian evengelical woman named Becky Fischer.  For the record, she HATES Harry Potter.

The rest of this post probably contains a lot of spoilers (can you really spoil a documentary?  I don’t know.) so don’t read further if you don’t want to.

So basically, this camp is run for the sole purpose of brainwashing poor children into joining the religious right.  They do fun things like pray to a cardboard cut-out of George Bush, chant pro-life nonsense, and speak in tongues.

One of the things I liked most about the movie was how delusional Becky Fischer is.  At the beginning of camp she mentions something about how most Americans are fat and lazy, despite being horribly overweight herself.  She also makes claims that Muslim children in the middle east are raised to die for the cause of Islam, and makes this sound like a GOOD thing.  No Becky, this is not a good thing.

Most of these kids are also home schooled where they are getting just an EXCELLENT education.  I mean, what has science ever proven?  Nothing if you ask any of the parents.

The movie also features Ted Haggard.  You might know the name.  Ted Haggard used to run a giant ministry up until the day he was accused of being a gay meth user.  These claims were never exactly refuted by Haggard though these days he says he is straight “with issues.”  Yeah, like the fact that you’re gay?

And herein lies one of the biggest problems with these evangelicals.  Haggard was probably taught at a young age that being gay was evil and he was going to hell for it.  So he had to repress it for years and years, having secret gay sex with random dudes until he was exposed for who he is.

Now I don’t have a problem with him being gay.  But the irony of him not realizing that he’s doing to children what was done to him is truly amazing.  And sad.

There’s also one child featured in the movie named Levi.  Levi seems like a pretty smart kid and could probably go far in life, but the crap he’s being exposed to as a child is extremely disheartening.  One of my favorite lines in the movie is when he says he became a christian at five years old because he was looking for more out of life.  When I was five years old I was eating dirt.  And loving it.

Some other things I learned from Jesus Camp:

The devil hates power point presentations.

Nestle makes holy water.

Harry Potter would have been put to death if he lived in the old testament and YOU DO NOT MAKE HEROS OUT OF WARLOCKS.

It’s best to start brainwashing kids at a very young age.

If the evangelicals vote, they decide the election.  Oh wait, fortunately this is not true because most of these people live in middle America, where science proves nothing and the world is 6,000 years old.

Anyway, terrifying movie.  Checki it out.