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Not really.

One of the things that really sucks about you know, working, is that when shit’s going down I’m like nearly oblivious to it until it’s over. I swear, if I had been working the job I have now when 9/11 happened, I doubt I’d know shit for like 3 weeks. Because it’s not like I watch anything on tv other than Top Chef and What Not to Wear…ahem, I mean…COPS.

Well, anyway, since I didn’t know shit about what happened, tonight when I got home I read some articles and turned on the news. I guess everyone knows what happened by now so I don’t need to recap the whole thing.

So, doing what I always like doing when shit is going down, I like to get the different cable news channels perspectives. I tried to do this tonight except I forgot until it was probably too late and only caught the last 15 minutes of Hannity.

And wow am I glad I did!

Sean Hannity basically started this segment with his great great retarded panel or whatever you want to call it and says something about the Discovery guy’s “Left Wing” manifesto or whatever. Then he says something about how if it had been a right-wing manifesto then the LEFT WING media would be all over it, blaming guys like Hannity for causing all this trouble.

Note: he never said, “Look what you lefties caused!” Just, “I’d never say look what you lefties caused, I’m just saying if this had been the other way around, you’d be saying it to me.”

First of all, Sean Hannity, you are a SUPREME douche. I mean, SUPREME.

Second of all, if you chose to read the entire manifesto and not just pull parts that favor your opinion out of context like I did, you’d notice that the person who wrote this letter was, crazy. And not crazy in the way your panel was like, “Oh, this guy was crazy!” but actually like, this person should be medicated and possibly in a home somewhere, crazy. The more background I read on this dude, the more I feel like I could diagnose him with something (and I didn’t even finish medical school!). And lest we forget that bullet point number five might as well be your mantra:

5. Immigration: Programs must be developed to find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby filth that follows that. Find solutions to stopping it. Call for people in the world to develop solutions to stop it completely and permanently. Find solutions FOR these countries so they stop sending their breeding populations to the US and the world to seek jobs and therefore breed more unwanted pollution babies. FIND SOLUTIONS FOR THEM TO STOP THEIR HUMAN GROWTH AND THE EXPORTATION OF THAT DISGUSTING FILTH! (The first world is feeding the population growth of the Third World and those human families are going to where the food is! They must stop procreating new humans looking for nonexistant jobs!)

Wow, did you guys miss that part when you were cherry-picking quotes out of this? Anyway, I’d suggest reading up on this dude in the days to follow. He wasn’t right. And Hannity and these clowns at Fox News are such fucking assholes for trying to turn one person’s obvious delusions into a political issue, and doing it in such a pussy tiptoe fashion - “Oh, *I’M* not saying it’s a political issue, but that’s just something YOU would do.”

Let’s also keep in mind that this dude sounds like he had some serious, serious mental problems. I mean, it’s not like he blamed the government or something for the world’s problems, but…the Discovery Channel. Okay? He demanded that the DISCOVERY CHANNEL help cure the world’s ills. Why the DISCOVERY CHANNEL? Why not? Maybe he walked by it every day. It doesn’t matter, he was fucking deranged. Ugh. Fox news is so fucking disgraceful.

And then to follow it up, Hannity mentions something that John Cusack said on Twitter. I guess one of his followers asked how he feels about the mosque issue in New York (I should have posted on this already but I’m lazy as shit) and he responded by saying something like how he wants to build a satanic death cult building next to Fox News. Oh, except Hannity didn’t mention that this was a question he was asked, and unlike the obviously insane Discovery Channel guy, his comment was being made in mockery of your non-issue mosque bullshit.

Anyway, that’s all I got.

In my ever-going quest to be a more insightful, more well rounded person and knowledgeable person and less like an elderly 30 year old, I read a couple gossip blogs.

Why?

Well, they’re funny. And the ones I ready generally have pictures of near naked women, so that’s also good.

Anyway, I guess the big news today was the Lindsay Lohan sentencing. I guess she got 90 days in jail (she’ll probably do 10), but that’s not the part of the story I thought was great. The great part, is that during a break in the trial and while she was outside the courtroom, she got served with a lawsuit for $17,000.

I mean, that’s fucking awesome right? And if you’re the process server, I mean, that’s a story you have for life, right? Insert some really, really lame Lindsay Lohan humor here:

“So this one time, I had to serve Lindsay Lohan with a lawsuit?”
“Oh yeah, what for?”
“She stole some clothes or something.”
“Which time?”
“I don’t know, the time before she got herpes from the children’s clown but after the time she starred in some movie called ‘I Know Who Killed Me.”
“I never saw that.”
“I don’t think anyone did.”
“So, what happened? You knew she’d have a court date so she’d be easy to serve?”
“Sort of, I go there every time I’m looking for her.”

Bam! Thank you, and that’s my Lindsay Lohan humor.

But that shit’s awesome, right? Anyway, I hope she gets put in with the regular people in the jails of California for a while and sees how much she likes it.

Anyone still here? Man I never write anymore. I blame laziness and general malaise. What’s really unfortunate is that lately, I feel like I’ve had a ton of good ideas and funny shit to write down but then I remember that the computer is all the way over there ten feet away. That’s a hike. That’s fucking far.

But, I did come up with an idea today and maybe it’s because I am an egomaniacal crazy person (for evidence see this blog) but I think it’s fucking brilliant.

So I was watching Top Chef tonight, alone eating an entire large pizza (what?), thinking of just how ridiculous it’s really become and having all these hilarious thoughts. But, so sad, nobody to share them with. But wait! An idea!

Maybe it’s time for me to join twitter! And so I did. I have used Twitter for one thing and one thing only: finding out when the next Japanese Porn Convention is in Austin. No, I’ve only used to to follow a guy I used to know who is a professional poker player now (he’s good). I don’t really know what it is, and I think the whole thing is kind of stupid.

But, I just had too many funny thoughts tonight to keep them to myself. Unfortunately, I thought of this idea halfway through and I guess it wouldn’t have mattered anyway since I have zero followers (I don’t even really know what that means) until anyone discovers it. So I’ve created an account in which I’m going to watch the shows I watch and tweet (?) throughout to anyone that cares. I guess I’m going to have to find some shows, cause right now all I can think of is Top Chef, and I juuuuuuust might have to start on that stupid design show that follows it because that shit is ridiculous.

Will anyone care? I don’t know. Will anyone read this announcement anyway? I don’t know. Will it be funny? Yes, yes it will. I guess if a tree lands in the forest and nobody is around, does it make a sound? YES. What are you, fucking retarded?

Anyway, my name on twitter is tvsnark (genius, right?) and I’ll probably figure out later what I’m doing other than Top Chef.

For the record, I doubt I’m the only person with this idea. However, as noted above, I am extremely unfamiliar with Twitter so I wouldn’t know. But I’m probably way funnier than anyone else doing the same thing.

So, assuming this asshole is guilty, I think I have a pretty good solution on what to do with the accused NYC Times Square Would-Be Bomber (I gotta get a better name for this).

You want to discourage terrorism?  You want to show these fucking assholes not to fuck with us?  Treat this fucking asshole like a child rapist and send him to the worst penitentary in the country.

I hope they don’t try to execute this guy, because of course that’s what he wants.  I’m not sure why these guys have such a hard-on for martyrdom, but they do.  So toss this guy in prison.  Throw him in general population, spread word around the yard that in addition to being an asshole terrorist, he’s also a child rapist.  The just LOVE that in prison.

But, you might ask, how does this really discourage terrorism?

Make a TV show out of it.  Put it on HBO.  You can call it “Terrorism Sucks: The Ass-Rape Chronicles.”  Put a camera crew around this guy 24/7, and let the other inmates know that it’s no holds barred with this guy.  And then broadcast it in Iran and Pakistan on whatever their equivalent of NBC is.  No, not NBC.  A channel that people watch.  Broadcast it on MTV-Al-Jazeera, or whatever the fuck they have.

Anyway, that’s just what I’d do to stop terrorism.

I’m a few days late on this but it must be said.  People Magazine put Julia Roberts on the cover the other week declaring her the “World’s Most Beautiful Woman.”

Julia.

Roberts.

First of all, this horse-faced woman wasn’t even attractive 20 years ago, and so she’s not attractive now.  I never understand why anyone thinks this woman is good looking, or even a good actress.  She.  Is.  Horrible.  The only movie I’ve ever seen with her and enjoyed was Sleeping with the Enemy.  Is that what it’s called?  The one where she gets beaten by her OCD husband and fakes her death and runs away?  Well, whatever.  That movie is goddamn BRILLIANT.

So, seriously, WORLD’S MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN?  I went to the grocery store today and so no less and 50 women that are more attractive than Julia Roberts.  And I shop at this weird place that only elderly immigrants shop at, so you put two and two together.

Seriously, I find the female anchors on Fox News more attractive than Julia Roberts.  Wait, bad example, there are some pretty hot anchors on Fox….mmmm Laura Ingraham….

I mean, I realize that this isn’t like, an official award or something.  It’s not like she undeservingly won the Nobel Peace Prize (and that’s an Obama joke, see I’m equal opportunity!)!  But, it means something I suppose.  I mean, it DOES make that bitch’s head even bigger.

I think if People magazine is going to keep up this charade, they should at least let their readers vote on it.  I mean, have the editors at People magazine ever turned on a television or gone to a movie?

Fucking Julia Roberts.

So I guess last night they found a carbomb in Times Square.  I don’t really read the news too much during the weekend so I’m not totally clear on what happened exactly, except it didn’t go off, nobody is hurt, and they’re trying to find out who is responsible.

But I did just read this article in the Washington Post (with my comments):

U.S. officials were racing Sunday to determine whether the attempted car bombing in New York’s Times Square was connected to international terrorism, as a Taliban group issued a statement claiming responsibility for the plot.

The group, Tehrik-i Taliban Pakistan, said the attack was to have been revenge for the killings of “Muslim martyrs,” particularly two senior leaders of al-Qaeda in Iraq who were recently killed by U.S. and Iraqi forces. But terrorism experts on Sunday were skeptical that the group could have organized it quickly enough to avenge deaths that occurred less than two weeks ago.

Officials said there was there was no indication that the attempted bombing was connected to terrorist groups.

A federal law enforcement official with expertise in explosives said that although the probe is in its early stages, investigators “at this point are leaning more to characterizing this as a solitary incident, rather than something organized.”

The official said, “Whoever did this was obviously not very skilled at bomb-making, thankfully.”

Yeah you fucking retards, what, did you fail out of bomb-making 101?

The official said it appeared that the propane tanks found Saturday in the vehicle used in the attempt were not open — the valves on top had not been twisted to let out the gas. It takes much longer to set off an explosion with a closed propane tank, the official said, so the fire in the car would have had to burn long enough to heat it up.

I mean, what kind of retard leaves the valves closed?  Am I right?  This “official” should maybe give lessons at the local Y, since, you know, he likes talking so much about how to successfully set off a bomb…

“When you think about it, if you park a burning car in Times Square, the fire department is going to be all over you, and you won’t have a chance to burn that much,” the official said.

“It’s bomb-making 101,” the official added. “He obviously wanted a big bang, but didn’t know how to do it.”

See, it IS bomb-making 101.  Could this guy possibly talk anymore?  Seriously, someone should maybe tell this guy to just shut the fuck up and be happy a bomb didn’t explode in the middle of time square.

A second senior law enforcement official, who is involved in the investigation, said a powder found in the vehicle was not PETN (pentaerythritol tetranitrate), the powder-based explosive used in the failed Christmas Day bombing. Instead, the powder — found in a can in the vehicle — was “the kind of black pyrotechnic powder used in fireworks,” the source said.

“One thing that’s clear is that the materials used in the vehicle were all things that can be bought lawfully at a store,” the source said, adding that “it’s premature to say whether this was a sophisticated device or not.”

Come on dummies, if you’re going to make a proper bomb, we ALL know you need PETN.  Really, these fucking officials need to learn the words “no comment.”  Good to know we can get all this shit at the store though.

A key factor in making that determination, the official said, is what type of trigger mechanism was used to make the propane tanks in the vehicle explode.

“If it was just supposed to be a chain reaction from the fireworks, the powder and other combustible material, then that’s kind of amateurish,” the official said. “If the device was somehow remote-controlled, then that’s more sophisticated.”

Too bad the first guy already basically called whoever did this a big fucking idiot.  I’m sure he/they have nothing to prove now.

The official said the vehicle’s location, even though it was a crowded block in the Times Square theater district, does not bear the usual seal of international terrorism.

“If this were something like the Empire State Building, that would be a more educated guess,” the official said, while cautioning that terrorist connections are not being ruled out. “A target that is a critical infrastructure, something that pertains to our economic system, an emblem of the American government — that is the usual hallmark of international terrorism.”

You got that?  So the NEXT time you, or someone else wants to set off a bomb in New York, do it somewhere that REALLY hurts us, okay?  Not fucking Times Square.  Jackasses.

Still, Evan F. Kohlmann, a terrorism consultant at Flashpoint Partners, said there has been “an overwhelming chorus of chatter” among related terrorist groups in the past two weeks seeking vengeance for the U.S. attack that killed Abu Ayyub al-Masri, an Egyptian who led al-Qaeda in Iraq also known as Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, and Abu Omar al-Baghdadi, the head of the group’s umbrella organization, the Islamic State of Iraq.

“Over the past week or so, every faction, from al Shabaab in Somalia on down the list, has issued statements mourning the deaths of these guys in Iraq, saying, ‘We’re going to avenge them, vengeance is coming,’ ” Kohlmann said.

Oh, well then maybe you should all taunt them a little more.

Then there’s a little more background and the story ends.  Fucking brilliant.  I mean really, did our law enforcement officials actually say these things?  This reminds me of the scene from Red Dragon, where they make up a bunch of shit in the paper about the Tooth Fairy, and then he comes back and kills Phillip Seymore Hoffman for saying it.  Right?  If there’s one thing I learned from Red Dragon (other than don’t ever eat at Hannibal Lector’s house), it’s you don’t publicly taunt crazy people.  Okay?  Okay.

So one thing I still can’t get used to living in Austin are the highways.  Without going into much detail on the highways here, there is one thing on the highways that I fucking love.

On the one I take to work, there are a few electronic signs every few miles that sometimes post alerts.  You know, like if there’s an accident or if there’s a flood warning or if a kid gets kidnapped or if an old person goes missing.

Wait.  When an old person goes missing?  When did we start caring about this?

Kidnappings, okay, I get that.  Many years ago they created the “Amber Alert” for when a child gets abducted (and why anyone would want to steal a child is still beyond my comprehension).  The Amber Alert, was of course named after some girl named Jenny or something.  Was that John Walsch’s kid?  I don’t know.
But these old people alerts?  They have no name.  So I came up with one: MYRTLE ALERTS.
And they’re always nearly the same:

MISSING ELDERLY

LAST SEEN DRIVING WHITE OLDSMOBILE (because I DARE you to see a Myrtle Alert where the old man is driving a Benz, it’s always a goddamn Oldsmobile or Lincoln Towncar).

LICENSE PLATE: 8TYRSLD

And then they say where the old man was last seen.  And seriously, it’s NEVER anywhere remotely close to Austin.  It’s like, LAST SEEN: FAIRBANKS ALASKA ON A SNOWMOBILE.  And I’m thinking, I doubt he made it all the way here on a snowmobile.  That’s just ridiculous.
But really for me, the issue is who cares?  Elderly people don’t go missing.  They run away.  Let them go.  They’re either running away because they hate you, or they’re running away because they love you but they’re suffering from dementia that’s making them think that you are a demon.  Either way, just let them go.  It’s easier for everyone.  You get to not deal with your batshit crazy relatives and grandpa gets to go fight space aliens from stealing his childhood dog.  It’s win win.

So I got the idea to write a running commentary through tonight’s National Championship game between Butler and Duke.  Unfortunately, I got this idea with about 9 minutes played in the game.  So I’ll take it from there.  Full disclosure:  I am a HUGE Duke fan so I’ll be writing from that perspective….just making sure you’re paying attention.

AND WE’RE BACK LIVE WITH JIM NANTZ AND CLARK KELLOGG

And it’s so nice to say that instead of Billy Packer.

11:05 - Nolan Smith is shooting foul shots, misses both, and the score is 16-14.  John Scheyer had a really great block on a fast break layup attempt a few minutes ago that was unreal.  No, seriously.

10:00 - Singler hits a jumper.  That guy can shoot.

9:32 - Zoubek can just not keep up with that Howard kid on Butler, just grabbing at his jersey and not being called.  Howard by the way, looks like the kind of guy that would drag a gay person behind a truck.  He also cannot make a shot tonight for shit.

8:33 - Howard picks ups his second foul.  That is bad considering what I just said about Zoubek not being able to keep up.

8:21 - A travel on Duke??  Wow.

7:54 - TV timeout, Butler up 20-18.

Fuck it, let’s do the commercials too, if there’s anything worth writing.  Coke Zero ad, the worst.  Ipad commercial.  Can anyone tell me how this stupid thing isn’t just a big version of an Ipod touch?  They sold 300,000 of these stupid things in the first day.  If you bought one, congratulations, you’re fucking stupid.  Pizza hut commercial.  This is making me hungry.  Capital one commercial, I have to admit, I really liked those Ivan Brothers ads, but I think they stopped showing them in the first round.  Census commercial.  These things have been fucking non-stop.  And finally a commercial for some car.  Jesus Christ, how long are these TV timeouts??

And we’re back.

Butler’s coacch Brad Stevens looks like he can’t get into R rated movies.

7:16 - Veasley drives to the basket, there is a TON of contact and NO CALL either way.  Clark Kellogg likes the no-call because…he calls it incidental contact.  Isn’t all contact incidental?  In this case, the incident was two guys slamming into each other and no foul.

5:50 - Jon Scheyer for three.  Yeah, he can shoot too.  He did just pick up his second foul, which could be huge if you know, they called more fouls when players slam into each other.

5:27 - Duke 24 Butler 20.

5:13 - Kyle Singler takes…a hop step and two and a half steps to the basket to score.  Timeout Butler….I don’t like where this is going.

Commercials for shit I can’t afford includes cars, televisions, and…an Iron Man suit, which probably costs like millions of dollars.  Wait, that’s a movie I’m not interested in.  Is that fucking Stacey Dash in this Miller Lite commercial?  You know…Stacey Dash…from…um…she was in Clueless.  The hot black girl.  I can’t think of anything else.  If that’s her…wow, that makes me sad.  Don’t worry Stacey Dash, I still love you.
4:50 - Hayward really needs to get going here.

4:17 - They say that Zoubek has improved so much.  Well if that’s the case how come he’s 7′1 and can’t post up a guy that’s 8 inches shorter than him?

3:39 - 7-0 run by Butler to go up 27-26.

2:42  - Timeout Duke.  Good, I need ten more minutes of commercials.

Another car I can’t afford.  And we’re back.  Oh okay, just 30 seconds.

1:52 - Hayward gets molested attempting a layup.  Jump ball.  Of course it’s a jump ball.  He might have committed a blatant foul getting the rebound first though, so I guess that’s even.  Timeout.

Have you ever wanted a car that has SILVER DUST polished into the wood?  I haven’t, because who the fuck sits around thinking about that?  You know what I’d like?  A coffee table made of human toes.  Luke Wilson, you poor bastard.  You were in the Royal Tenenbaums for Christ’s sake, these ATT commercials are just sad.

You know one thing I loved about this tournament?  It’s probably the only time I ever watch CBS, and I love watching promos for all their shows.  I don’t know anyone that watches any of them.

And we’re back, Duke up 30-29.

1:20 - This scrappy little white kid on Butler can’t guard Sheyer for shit and is lucky he wasn’t called for one of four fouls just now.

0:17 - JUKES!  FOR THREE!

0:03 - Duke gets to shoot some foul shots to end the half.  Duke up 33-32.  The dream is still alive Butler.  Half-time and taking a break from the typing.

Wait, they made a new Robin Hood movie?  Wasn’t the one with Kevin Costner good enough?  And it’s our first appearance by the UPS whiteboard human stain.  Fuck this guy.

And now I’m taking a break.

I think we’re almost back.  I just walked into a Masters commercial.  The Masters, a tradition unlike any other.  Such as rich athletes cheating on their wives with dozens of skanky chicks.  It is after all, tradition.

Burger King commercial.  I’m hungry.

20:00 - Second half underway. Howard draws a foul on Zoubek and hits both shot to take the lead by one.

19:23 - Singler drills another 3, and goddamn this guy can shoot.

18:46 - Howard draw a tie ball and as they show him in slow motion it hits me.  I think he played one of the guys that rapes Samuel Jackson’s daughter in the beginning of A Time to Kill.

17:53 - Great 35 second defense that draws a shot clock violation on Duke.

17:37 - The child rapist finally scores and ties the game.

17:21 - Singler gets away with that same hop step plus two step drive again, and ends up getting a foul called on Howard.  Fuck!

16:48 - Nored with a strong drive to the bucket to tie the game, love this kid.

16:12 - Seriously, how can you be 7 feet tall and so completely useless?  And some people (see: Dick Vitale) think that Zoubek has a shot in the NBA.  Zoubek is like a less athletic version of Frankenstein.

TV timeout, yay!  Game tied at 40.

Mark couldn’t watch highlights on his phone.  Get a clue, Mark!  Coke Zero cloning…ugh…another car I can’t afford…more crap…

And we’re back.  Coach K is scowling, god I hate this fucking asshole.

14:40 - Blatant offensive goaltending on Scheyer (or so it appeared at first look), perhaps we’ll get a good replay.  Howard picks up #4, of course.  There’s our replay and…I don’t know, that ball looked like it was on the rim.  I didn’t even get a chance to see if Howard’s 4th foul was legit or not.

13:35 - Nored drills a three, and Butler goes up 43-42.  Good game so far although I’m not confident.

13:10 - Coach K holds up four fingers and shouts “FOUR!” As in, there are FOUR points on a swastika….cause you know, he looks like Hitler.

13:02 - Singler nails another 3 and he has 15.  Goddamn it.

Timeout.

Another car I can’t afford (who is buying all of these Infinitis and Benz’s and are you hiring?).  Some new kind of TV comes out a month after I finally buy a new one, wonderful.  Remake of Nightmare on Elm Street (why?  why?). Denny’s commercial which does NOT make me hungry.

And we’re back.  I wonder how many times the kids on Duke’s band will collectively have sex in their lives.  I put the over/under at 1.5.

12:37 - Jukes draws a third foul on Zoubek, who by all accounts still sucks at basketball.

Jukes apparently has a foundation for children?  I hear Jon Scheyer hates children and wants to drink their blood.  Jukes misses two foul shot and that is bad.

12:19 - Duke goes up four.

12:02 - Hayward charges into Scheyer.  Terrible call.  Terrible, awful call.  Also, college basketball apparently has the “imaginary circle” under the basket like in the NBA.  Except in the NBA, the line is actually painted on the floor and not imaginary.  Why, when you obviously own paint, would you NOT paint this line on the ground and make already bad refs even worse by making them try to guess where an imaginary line is?  How fucking stupid is this?  Paint the fucking line.  It’s a goddamn half circle under the basket.  Paint the fucking line!  While I was ranting there, Zoubek apparently picked up HIS fourth foul and that’s too bad because I’d like him to stay in the game because HE FUCKING SUCKS.  Really, I’m more scared of the Plumlee brothers than I am of Zoubek.

Timeout.

Burger King commercial.  Now I’m angry and hungry.  This State Farm asshole is beginning to rival the UPS guy.  Hey State Farm Asshole, let someone else speak.  Some other car I can’t afford.

11:21 And we’re back, Duke up 47-43 and Hayward shooting 2.

10:46 - KEEP GIVING THE BALL TO HAYWARD.  He can’t be stopped inside.  Shooting 2 again.

10:27 - Butler screaming for timeout on a loose ball, but the refs ignore it and call another tie-up.   Possession to Duke.

9:26 - Mack hits a 2 and Butler trails by two.  Hayward drives and is fouled again.  Keep doing it!  YOU CANNOT STOP HAYWARD.

8:53 - Veasley misses a wide open look that would have taken the lead.  Zoubek is back in the game?  Hayward tries to draw his fifth but gets stuffed at the rim.

Classic Scheyer face to draw the and one.

Timeout.

Bud Light.  Robin Hood, this should be interesting…nevermind.  Somewhere Kevin Costner is rolling over in his grave.  Another car I can’t afford.  I’ll take the time here to say that this game is over.  This is the point where Duke pulls away and doesn’t look back.  Sorry, it’s just the way it is.  They didn’t have to face any of the best teams in the country - Kansas, Kentucky, Syracuse, Kansas State and they will be the champs.  Sad.  Really, this makes me sad.

7:58 - Matt Howard checks back in and I give him 45 seconds before he fouls out.

Duke up 5.

7:39 - Make some foul shots Matt Howard!  YES I KILLED THEM AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!

Howard heard me and hits both.

7:10 - Nored hit with a nickel dimer that saves the shot clock running down on Duke.  Duke in the 1 and 1.  Back up five.

6:45 - Yup, it’s happening, and I’m starting to feel ill.

6:00 This is not the way this season was supposed to go.

5:42 - Brian Zoubek tosses an offensive rebound into the backcourt.  Just awful.  Zoubek is just plain awful.  How great would it have been to see him matched up against Syracuse?  Or anyone on this Duke team needing to guard Evan Turner?  Or watching John Scheyer try his best to stay in front of John Wall.  I mean, this is what we get?  Sure, I love the sentimental Butler story but…this is just not the way it could have gone.

5:34 - I thought Zoubek just fouled out but it’s on Scheyer and Matt Howard back to the line.  YES THEY DESERVED TO DIE AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!

Worked again!

Duke up 56-53.

5:07 - HUGE FOUL on Lance Thomas!  Hayward goes down very hard but it doesn’t look like that bad of a foul, and Clark Kellogg agrees with me.  Hard foul though.  Thomas picks up his fourth foul and the refs also agree it’s not a flagrant foul.  I hate Duke more than anyone in the world and I can’t argue that.  Hayward back shooting 2.

Hits both, I love this guy.

Duke by one, timeout Duke.

A car I CAN afford but don’t want.

And we’re back.  Another shot of the leper colony also known as Duke’s band.

4:45 - Singler drains another one!  Man, I can’t stand the kid but he is looking sick tonight.  And he SHOULD go pro because all Duke kids that go pro early turn out awesome.  Hey, when does Duke have to forfeit the Maggatte season?

4:18 - Hayward trying to be a hero and failing.  Duke up three ticking down.

3:55 - Nolan Smith fouled and shooting two after the last TV timeout.  I’m so depressed.  Really, other than someone murdering my family, this is the worst thing that could happen.  I might need to take a sick week.  First Mcnabb and now this.  Gilbert Arenas going to prison and the Wizards having a firesale for the rest of the team.  I mean, can’t anything good happen to any team I root for?

Who watches NCIS?  Why are there more than one NCIS?  And who the fuck is watching the Big Bang Theory?

We’re back.  Smith hits both and Duke back up 5.  Over.

3:05 - Ball stripped and another tie-up favors Butler.  That was not pretty.  They need to start making some shots.

2:57 - On the bright side, at least this game was officiated mostly well on both sides.

2:30 - Duke ball, up five.

On another bright side, I don’t really feel any true hatred for anyone significant on this Duke team.  Scheyer by all accounts seems like a decent kid.  Singler, while horrifyingly ugly, isn’t so bad either.  In fact, the only people I really don’t like on this Duke team are Zoubek and the Plumlees.  So there’s that too.

1:39 - Duke ball, up three, the crowd is into it but this game has been over.

Howard scores, one point game.  I am not going to get excited.  Timeout Duke.  I am not going to get excited.  My heart is racing a little bit.

Dear God.  Please.  Please.  God, you can save this college basketball season.  You know when players win games and they praise you?  Well, I think that’s a crock of shit.  Prove me wrong, God.  Prove to me that you follow college basketball and that there is good in this world.

0:49 - Duke ball, up one.  I smell Scheyer 3 to ice it.

Singler airball, off Zoubek’s foot!

0:08 Oh god oh god oh god oh god

Sorry, ball out of bounds off Duke.  Butler ball.  I’m going to throw up.

0:6.9 - Butler ball, down one, set to inbound.  Heartbreak is immenent.

Really, how can it end any other way.

Sorry, 13.6 left in game, 6 on shot clock.

Hayward needs to call Butler’s last timeout as he cannot get the ball in.

When Butler loses this game, I’m turning it off right away because I won’t be able to look at the faces of both the winners and the losers.  And fuck one shining moment.  This game is about to prove that there is no god.

Hayward misses a veerrrrry tough shot, Zoubek rebounds and is fouled.  No chance.  What an impossible shot, even though he was being fouled by Singler on the drive.  Whatever.  What the fuck ever.

3.6 - Zoubek hits the first.  Butler has no timeouts.  Desperation 3 almost makes it at the buzzer.  Almost.  Makes.  It.  I’m turning this off.

So one thing that still takes getting used to in Austin is the “highway” system.

There are, for all intents and purposes, four highways in Austin.  There are two that go north/south, and two that go east/west.  That’s about it.

And on this “highway” system, there are these weird ass “access” or “frontage” roads that run parallel to the highways, so that when you exit, you never really exit, you’re still on the fucking highway.

And one day, one of the highways got too full off traffic, instead of fixing the “highway” system, some genius decided “fuck it, let’s build a highway on top of a highway.”  And that’s what they did for about six exits.

But aside from being completely asinine and nearly useless, there’s one thing on the highways here that always makes me laugh.  On the highway I take to work, every 5 or so miles, there are digital signs alerting you, the driver, of potential hazards ahead.  But since there are rarely potential hazards ahead, the signs usually say something like “Be Alert, Drive Safe” or some other slogan that I’m normally too drunk to pay attention to.

But every once in a while, some child will go missing and an Amber Alert will be issued, and they’ll post those on the signs.  An Amber Alert, as I’m sure you know, is when some kid gets kidnapped and John Walsch from America’s Most Wanted or someone lets the world know that some kid got kidnapped.  I’m not going to go off on some big tangent or anything but I will never understand why someone would want to steal a kid.  Kids are worthless.

But lately, I’m noticing a trend with these signs.  They’re constantly posting about some elderly person gone missing.  But they’re not really “missing” in the regular sense of the word, they’ve all sort of just left.

What’s really sad is that there’s no real term for when they post one of these things.  A kid goes missing, okay, that’s an Amber Alert.  But when Grandma packs up her teeth and her Depends and bails on her own accord, we just post random Elderly Missing Reports.  So I’ve decided to start calling these things Myrtle Alerts.

And the Myrtle alerts they show are never anywhere close to Austin, which is what I really don’t understand.  They’re always like, “ELDERLY MISSING.  LAST SEEN IN MONTREAL, CANADA.”  And they’re always last seen driving some old ass car that you didn’t even know was still on the road.  “LAST SEEN DRIVING FORD…..MODEL T.”
But aren’t Myrtle Alerts completely unnecessary to being with?  I mean, isn’t it possible that Grandma was just trying to get away from her annoying family members?  Let these people be!  I get it.  I do.  Sometimes I just want to get in my car and drive far, far away.  Nobody’s putting out an alert for me.

So, yeah.  That’s about it.

So I know I haven’t written in a while.  Whatever.

I watched a movie tonight that I had been excited about since I saw the trailer.  It’s called Big Fan and it stars comedian Patton Oswalt (who I never have found funny).  Anyway, I had really high hopes for the movie given some of the stuff I’d read about it.  And now that I’ve seen it I feel I have to write something.

Big Fan kind of reminded me of a story I was told when I was a kid (with a few updates), that goes like this (might get long):

Once upon a time there was a boy named Timmy.  And Timmy loooooved the circus, but most of all, he looooooved clowns.  Timmy had posters all over his bedroom walls of all kinds of clowns: happy clowns, sad clowns, hobo clowns, clowns raping each other, you get the idea.

But Timmy was poor and he loved on the shitty side of town.  His father was a drunk and hadn’t held down a job in years, and his mother was a dirty prostitute.  For these reasons, Timmy didn’t have any money as a child and was never able to go to the circus and see the clowns.

One day on his way to school as he walked by discarded hypodermic needles and used condoms, Timmy saw a billboard up that said the circus was coming to town.  The billboard was really colorful and had pictures of elephants and lions and tightrope walkers…and CLOWNS!

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” Timmy thought, “I HAVE GOT TO GO TO THE MOTHERFUCKING CIRCUS!”  (even as a small child, Timmy’s language was vulgar).

But as previously mentioned, Timmy’s family was broke and the circus was going to be impossible to go to.

Or was it?

That day after school, Timmy went to the library and got on Craigslist and started looking around for odd jobs he could do to earn money.  After making the mistake of first looking at the “adult gigs” section (and in the process getting a newfound education), Timmy discovered all kinds of jobs he could do to earn the $20 he would need to go to the circus.

Three weeks later Timmy had all the money he needed.  He hopped on the bus and headed downtown to see the circus.

First the elephants came out and then the lions and the tigers and the tightrope walkers and the jugglers, and then some asian twins who balanced each other on their vaginas (borrowed from Cirque de Soleil) and finally…a tiny car drove out into the center of the circus and what popped out?  CLOWNS.  One clown, two clowns, three clowns.  Eventually 20 clowns had piled out of the tiny car and Timmy’s mind was blown.

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS SO GODDAMN FUCKING AWESOME!” Timmy’s inner voice told him.  It really was the greatest day ever.  And then finally a clown that must have been ten feet tall got out of the car and he walked to the middle of all the other clowns and he grabbed a microphone.  “I need a volunteer from the audience!” he said.

Timmy’s hand shot straight to the air, and wouldn’t you know, the clown chose Timmy to be the volunteer.

So Timmy hopped out of his seat and he walked up to this giant, wonderful clown, having no idea what he had volunteered for.

And the clown spoke back into the microphone, and he said to Timmy, “Little boy, you don’t know what you just volunteered for, do you?”  And Timmy said no, as the giant clown mesmorized him.  And the clown said, “Well then does that make you…an elephant?!”  And Timmy laughed and shook his head no.  And the clown said “Well, does that make you…a tiger?”  And Timmy laughed again and couldn’t believe just how goddamn funny this amazing clown was.   And then the clown got very serious, and he looked at Timmy, and then he smiled and said “Well I guess that makes you a jackass!”

And the clown started laughing and then all of a sudden everyone in the audience was laughing and pretty soon everyone was pointing at Timmy and shouting “Jackass” at him over and over.  Timmy began to cry and he ran all the way home.

Timmy couldn’t sleep all night but he promised himself one thing - he would have vengeance on that clown.

Days passed.  Then weeks.  Then years.  This is usually how time passes.
Timmy got older but he never forgot the day that the clown humiliated him.

Timmy learned kung fu and eventually became a gun enthusiast.  Despite never having a job for more than three months at a time, he had a gun collection that even Sarah Palin would be proud of.

One day, nearly 20 years after the clown incident, as he was riding the bus home from work, he spotted a sign that the circus was coming to town.  And much like when he was a child, again he had no money for the circus as he could barely pay his rent.

So again Timmy got on Craigslist and again got some odd jobs so he could afford to go to the circus (inflation had raised the price of a ticket to nearly $10,000).

After appearing in his 23rd gay porno, Timmy could finally afford to see the circus.

So again he went to the circus.  Again he hopped on the bus and headed downtown.
First the elephants came out and then the lions and the tigers and the tightrope walkers and the jugglers, and finally…a tiny car drove out into the center of the circus and what popped out?  CLOWNS.  And again, one clown, two clowns, three clowns.  Eventually 20 clowns had piled out of the tiny car but this time, Timmy’s mind was not blown.

He had been waiting for this moment for his entire life.  It would be the night he had his revenge on the clown that humiliated him.

And again the giant clown (as an adult Timmy realized it was just some asshole in facepaint on stilts) came out of the car and again he grabbed a microphone and asked for a volunteer from the audience.  And again Timmy’s hand popped straight into the air and amazingly enough, the clown on stilts chose him to come to the stage even though this bit was usually reserved for some retarded child.
As Timmy walked to the stage he could feel the barrel of the gun rubbing against his back.

And the clown spoke back into the microphone, and he said to Timmy, “Well Sir, you don’t know what you just volunteered for, do you?”  And Timmy shook his head no, and thought “Jesus Christ, this guy’s been doing the same material for 20 years.”  And the clown said, “Well then does that make you…an elephant?!”  And Timmy shook his head no.  And the clown said “Well, does that make you…a tiger?”  And Timmy once again shook his head no.  And before the clown is able to finish the bit, Timmy grabs the mic out of the clown’s hand and he yells into it, “You know what?” And he drops the microphone and reaches behind him and whips them back, middle fingers extended and he yells “FUCK YOU CLOWN!”

And that’s what Big Fan was like.

I couldn’t resist.  After watching what I did last night from the 8-9 news hour, I just had to do it one more time.  This time, I grabbed a piece of paper and started scribbling notes.

MSNBC: Ah, Rachel Maddow.  How do I hate thee?  Maddow’s show was much like last night’s.  And shocking!  Maddow starts off again with Brian Williams and the sad guy who’s been reporting in Haiti for 30 years.  And they tell us, that yes, it is bad.  Things in Haiti, they’re still bad.  Who knew?  Then she cuts to some correspondent who shows his footage from the day, and literally ends it by basically saying “this is the definition of people who need help.”  Okay, got it.  Haiti needs help.  Back to Maddow who starts telling us how the United States is contributing.  There’s this great, magical organization called Doctors Without Borders.  And Doctors Without Borders is wonderful.  And Doctors Without Borders is here to save the day.  And Doctors Without Borders can heal this sick.  And Doctors Without Borders can raise the dead.  And Doctors Without Borders…my point is it was a little overkill, especially with using the words “Doctors Without Borders.”  Then she’s got some guy from some other organization (sorry, can’t read my notes) who also tells us how much we’re helping.  Got it.  Haiti needs help.  We’re helping.  The United States, and President Obama.  Then we get some lady on who tells us some history about Hispanola.  Not sure of the political leaning here, it actually seemed pretty straight-forward and interesting.  Then the Secretary (that is, Obama’s Secretary) of Agriculture is on.  And he tells us all the wonderful ways the United States is helping.  And we end with Maddow and some guy who runs a completely genius company called MGIVE.  Here’s how MGIVE works, as far as I can tell - they setup a number that people can text message to donate money to non-profits and charities.  You get a number, like 7777 and text “Red Cross” or something like that, and via your phone bill, you donate money to the Red Cross.  A pretty easy, and convenient way for people to donate money to their favorite charities.  Seriously, no sarcasm.  And what does MGIVE get out of this?  Well I’m glad you asked!  Sign up for the “BRONZE Plan and they get a one time setup fee of $500, $399 per month, and $.35 + 3.5% of the donation!  Sign up for the SILVER plan and they get a one time setup of $500, $649 per month, and $.32 + 3.5% of the donation!  Or, be a BIG spender and sign up for the GOLD PLAN and they get a $500 setup fee, $1,499 per month, and $.30 + 3.5% of the donation!  Now, I have to say, this has got to be one of the best ideas I’ve ever heard.  Seriously.  I wish I had thought of this.  MGIVE = complete fucking genius.  Anyway, the dude from MGIVE says that for the Red Cross Haiti donation, they’ve waived all their fees.  Well that’s nice.  But this guy also got a pretty fucking awesome plug on MSNBC, as Maddow  gives him about ten minutes to talk and also says that she used MGIVE to donate to the Red Cross earlier today.  So once again our theme is clear.  Thanks MSNBC!

CNN: It’s Larry King!  How this man is still semi-coherent I have no idea.  Anyway, we go straight to Anderson Cooper who is on the scene.  And Anderson Cooper’s got more great stories of the things he’s seen and the shit he’s witnessed.  And it is fucked up.  I mean, you wouldn’t fucking believe the shit Cooper has seen.  He saw a dead 13 year old girl put on a dump truck and but in a giant bin full of bodies (and thanks to some handy camera-work, we get to see the footage!).  He also has some other tales of woe and despair and it’s all very in your face and graphic sounding.  Next up is Philadelphia 76’s center Sam Dalembert (who is also on my fantasy basketball team).  He’s sad.  He wants to go help.  More tragic pictures shown side by side as he speaks.  Oh yeah, he’s Haitian.  Then they show a PSA for the Red Cross starring Michelle Obama (hmm, this seems to be on the wrong channel).  Then they go back to Haiti and some boring guy talks while, side by side, more graphic images are shown!  Well, side by side is a bit misleading.  On my TV screen let’s say he took up 10% of it, the GRAPHIC IMAGES took up about 65% of it, and the rest of the screen were fancy CNN graphics.  Boring guy is done talking and then we cut to some American girl who lost her foot in the earthquake, but is now safe and back in the US.  Well thank god she’s back.  Her story too, is pretty remarkable, almost movie-like.  Then we cut back to some correspondent in Haiti and she too has seen some crazy shit!  She tells a story of a man who was literally being burned by a blowtorch in order to get him out from rubble.  The story, wow.  I mean it’s fucking amazing.  Just another action-packed, amazing story from Haiti.  Oh, and while she speaks, as if the story isn’t enough, we get more side by side GRAPHIC IMAGES.  Then we end with the director of US Aid talking while we get more side by side GRAPHIC IMAGES.  Seriously.  It would seem the theme here too hasn’t really changed.

Fox News: I don’t have a lot of notes from Fox News.  Why?  Well, Hannity started off the show with a 30 second news bite about the earthquake in Haiti.  Surprisingly this time, he doesn’t make up numbers or misrepresent facts.  However, we cut straight to….a THREE DAY OLD INTERVIEW HE DID WITH SARAH PALIN!  And it lasts for…30 FUCKING MINUTES!  Dude!  Dude!  One of the biggest natural disasters in recent history just happened, and you’re talking to Sarah Palin about…about what?  Despite how hot Sarah Palin looked, I couldn’t bare to watch most of this.  After the THREE DAY OLD INTERVIEW HE DID WITH SARAH PALIN was over, we got a Fox Newsbreak.  Some way less cute anchor than the one last night comes on and gives us some more actual facts about Haiti.  That lasts about 30 seconds before we go back to Hannity who is talking to Newt Gingrich about….not Haiti, but the MASSACHUSETTES ELECTION!  And this might be one of the biggest elections of all time!  It must!  Right?  So then after that we get the Sean Hannity Great Great Great American Panel (except for the one blithering idiot democrat he always has on, tonight no exception).  They discuss more things not Haiti.  And then the show ends.

I’m not sure I can handle another night of this.

Oh my god I fucking love cable news.  I’m about 40 minutes late in starting to type this so I’m just trying to keep up.

So, there was a giant earthquake in Haiti today.  7.0.  It was right in the center of Port au Prince, which is the capital and has 2 million of Haiti’s 9 million people.

Here are the facts as we know them: the president of Haiti has said that 50-100,000 people might be dead.  Many countries, including the United States, Iceland, Venezuela, and China are sending aid.  The United states has sent 2,000 marines and supplies.  The population of Haiti is 9 million.  The population of Haiti is 9 million.  The population of Haiti is 9 million.  THE POPULATION OF HAITI IS 9 MILLION.  The population of Port Au Prince is roughly 2.5-3 million.  The American Red Cross estimates that as many as 3 million Haitians are in need of help.  These are the facts.  ANNNNNNNNNND GOOOOOOOOOOO!

First up, the end of Olberman running into Maddow:

Olberman discusses some insane shit that Pat Robertson said, which essentially was “Haiti got its independence by making a deal with the devil, true story.”  BAM.  Followed by clips of Rush Limbaugh saying that our big, great president came right to the rescue for the black children of Haiti but waiting THREE DAYS to respond to the failed underwear bomber.  Always the blacks on top!  These people are so fucking crazy.

Maddow:  Caught the first few of her while I was flipping back and forth.  But first, a change to Fox to see what’s going on there:

Hannity:  Um, something about democratic political corruption?  Er, you guys know that like, a huge natural disaster is currently happening, right?  Okay, back to Maddow!

Maddow: Maddow has Brian Williams, and a few other NBC newspeople on the ground.  And they’re talking about the dire situation in Haiti.  I mean, man, it’s bad.  That’s roughly the consensus among all five.  Things are bad here in Haiti.  One guy basically said that Haiti is a complete shithole, and that was even BEFORE the earthquake!  And this guy, he would know how shitty Haiti is because he’s been reporting there seemingly forever.  Al Roker starts talking about…the weather (sorry I left the room for a minute but when I got back he WAS talking about the weather).  Even the weather is shitty.  Man oh man, Haiti is shitty.  And what do they need more than anything?  THEY NEED HELP!  And over to Fox News!

Hannity:  Um, still talking about democratic political corruption??  Hey, FOX! Wake up, guys!  And back to CNN:

Larry King interviews Anderson Cooper who is in Port Au Prince.  Anderson cooper tells us some just, heart-wrenching stories, some of which might even be true, about the truly amazingly, tragic, almost…movie-like things that he has witnessed since arriving.  A 13 year old girl was just pulled from rubble, having survived 18 hours under it.  Holy shit, that’s crazy right?  But it’s worse, Anderson tells us, as rescue workers pulled her out, and sat her down next to her four dead relatives.  Seriously.  I hope we get to see pictures of this, because, you know, you’d think since CNN was on the scene to witness this, they should have some shots. Not saying this didn’t happen, I’m just saying that Anderson Cooper’s tales were pretty fucking dramatic….and back to Maddow!

Maddow:  She’s got a woman from the Red Cross on.  They discuss how fucked up Haiti is, and how the US has already helped (thanks, Mr. Obama!), and how there’s already hope (thanks again Mr. Obama!).  But how else can we help, because we as Americans, have to help!  The red cross woman tells us how we can help.  Thanks, MSNBC!  America kicks ass (thanks to a certain charmingly handsome black president!).  And over to CNN!

CNN: We are live on the scene with Dr. Sanjay Gupta, medical correspondent, who tells us that GUNSHOTS!  GUNSHOTS LARRY!  THERE’S BEEN GUNSHOTS HERE IN PORT AU PRINCE!  THIS SHIT IS FUCKING DRAMATIC.  GET US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, LARRY!  I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS CRAZY, FUCKING, DRAMATIC ACTION!!  That’s only half an exaggeration.  And back to Maddow:

Maddow: Maddow’s got the US Ambassador to Haiti on the line and this motherfucker is pissed off.  He starts off by calling out Pat Robertson.  And I’ve never seen a Haitian so pissed off before.  He basically says that the United States has directly profited (namely the Louisiana Purchase) off of Haiti’s independence, so if Haiti made a deal with the devil, well then what does that say about the US.  Bam!  This shit was so fucking gangster.  And a quick cut over to Fox News:
Fox:  Newsbreak!  We cut to some cute, blonde Fox anchor.  Fox Anchor: Hey, we just heard about some earthquake in Haiti.  The president of Haitihas said that thousands are dead.  Thousands.  By the way, the United States has sent 2,000 marines and aid.  Big deal.  The Red Cross says that as many as 9 MILLION HAITIANS are in need of help.  You connect the dots.  Or I’ll just connect the dots.  Fox News, would have us believe that only “thousands” of people are dead, yet 9 million people are in need of assistance.  That’s the whole fucking country.  It’s pretty amazing that they’re trying to downplay the earthquake, yet making it sound 3 times as large as all other reports (including the Red Cross’s own statement that 3 million people NOT NINE MILLION PEOPLE, THE ENTIRE FUCKING POPULATION OF THE COUNTRY) and so clearly 2,000 marines are a huge fucking help.  Gee thanks, asshole president!  And back to CNN:

CNN:  Larry King’s got Ben Stiller and some hot black actress who is apparently Haitian on.  And oh dear god, the tragedy! The shock!  The horror!  The hot black actress was so moved by the pictures she’s been seeing.  And cut to commercial!  But not before a montage of horrible pictures of the destruction in Haiti!  And cut to Fox!

Fox: It’s the Sean Hannity Great Great American Panel!  And it’s a bunch of assholes talking about…not Haiti!  Cut back to CNN:

CNN: Larry King shows us a bunch of sad looking black people who are apparently missing relatives in Haiti.  Everyone is sad.  TRAGEDY!  DRAMA!

And back to Maddow:  Maddow tells us how, specifically, we can help.  How we great democratic Americans who love Lord Barrack Obama, can help.  Because that’s what we do.  Back to Fox!

Fox: Still the Great Great Great Greatly…blind(?) American Panel is still talking about…I’m not sure, not Haiti.

And we’re out of time!

(bonus coverage!  Anderson Cooper warns us about…GRAPHIC IMAGES!  IT’S FUCKING HORRIBLE!  IT’S TERRIBLE!  Gretta Van Sustern also mentions thousands have been injured though I can’t look at this woman so I change the channel.  Anderson Cooper makes me look like an asshole by showing footage of the 13 year old girl who is trapped and rescued.  Wow, that was dramatic!)
So, to summarize:

MSNBC:  Haiti is fucked.  Haiti needs help.  Hey, Americans have been helping!  Liberal Americans who love our president!

Fox News: Yawn,  Wake us up when something interesting happens.  9 million people need help and we’re sending 2,000?  What a joke this country has become.

CNN: LIGHTS!  CAMERA!  ACTION!

Well, I’ve finally made it in life.  Time to end it all.

It seems that if you type “I hate the UPS guy” into google, my blog post is the first thing that shows up.  I also show up #4 if you search “UPS guy hair,” which I’m not sure why.  What’s so great about his hair?  He looks like a fucking asshole who wants to tell you about all the AP classes he took in high school.

Anyway, other strings that apparently find my blog are “ups commercial perfect circles,” (Yeah, I’m not impressed with that either, dickface) and “ups whiteboard guy sucks.”

However, “Craig Kilborn” is still way out in front.  I figured this wouldn’t be the case given the inordinate number of comments on my UPS post.  It would seem that people hate him SO MUCH, that they are more inclined to write about their hatred.  For some reason, I find this fascinating.

And it’s not just that - many of the comments on the UPS whiteboard guy post (see here: http://copyandcigarettes.com/?p=594) are like, incredibly funny.  This leads me to believe that not only are the people who find this site through the whiteboard guy funny, but they are probably also intelligent, whereas some of the Craig Kilborn posts are not as intelligent.  So people who hate the UPS whiteboard guy >>> Craig Kilborn people.  Seriously, go read some of those comments, here’s my favorite one so far:

“I can only thank God in heaven that someone is finally providing a forum for discussion of the incomprehensible annoyingness of this fucktard. I detest him with the fire of a thousand blazing supernovas. Why is he still on? Whose idea is this of a great corporate spokesman?

If such a colossal turdbag actually had the audacity to show up at our office, the presentation would last about 45 seconds, after which there would be a beatdown and head-shaving. And then it would get ugly.

Please UPS, either take him off TV or set the whiteboard up in an open field surrounded by crazed pumas.”

So for the longest time, the search string that brought the most people to my blog was Craig Kilborn. Seemed like a shit ton of people just really wanted to know where that guy is.

But, a new phenomenon is occuring now.  Apparently, if you search for “UPS Whiteboard Guy Douche” I’m the second hit in Google.  That’s pretty sweet.

As such, this blog has been getting overrun by like minded people who hate this cuntfaced assfuck.

It’s quickly become my second most commented post, after Craig Kilborn, and within a few days I’m pretty sure it will be number one.

I guess I had no idea how many people hate this piece of shit, smug asshole.

The part of it that bothers me the most, is that UPS fucking sucks.  I have to rely on UPS a lot for my job, and if there’s one thing that brown can do for you, it’s fuck up your day.  You know what these fuckers do if someone ships something to a building but forget to put a suite number down?  They don’t bother delivering.  They just say, “fuck it, fuck you, we’re UPS and we’re too lazy to look at a directory.”

Look, I know these drivers are busy dudes and have a lot of stops to make.  Well you know who else are busy dudes and have a lot of stops to make?  Fedex drivers.  Yet, when the same shit happens to Fedex, you know what they do?  They either look at a goddamn directory and deliver your shit, or they call the shipper to get a fucking suite number.

You don’t see that in these whiteboard commercials.  It’s just not there.  But it should be.  Just the assfuck whiteboard guy standing there, and maybe he draws a middle finger, and then when they try to get cute and start animating shit, maybe it can wave back and forth at you.

So anyway, I’m glad that all of us whiteboard hating people have come together on my blog.  He is a fucking douche and you are all welcome here.

Fuck you UPS whiteboard guy.

I was searching my blog for something the other day and came across the following post, that personally, I find fucking hilarious.  So I’m reposting for fun.

Who’s Gay?

So the big news this week (aside from Anna Nicole Smith’s sudden death) came from the NBA where former player John Amaechi has come out of the closet and announced he’s gay.  This is apparently big news, since he’s the first ever NBA player to say he’s gay.

Honestly, I don’t see why this is that big a deal.  But athletes tend to be stupid, thus there’s a lot of homophobia in all the major sports.  This is what makes it difficult for guys like John Amaechi to come out while they’re still playing.  But any pro athlete who thinks that there aren’t any gay dudes on their team, well that’s just completely naive.

One of the better quotes that has since come out since this story broke came from Duke’s own Shavlik Randolph.  First off, I don’t know why anyone is quoting him anyway, I mean it’s fucking Shavlik Randolph.  The fact that this douchebag is even in the NBA still baffles me.  But anyway, here’s his quote, in case you missed it: “”As long as you don’t bring your gayness on me, I’m fine.”  In case you’ve never seen Shavlik Randolph, I really don’t think he needs to worry about anyone coming on to him, man or woman.  Shavlik Randolph is one ugly fucker.

But that’s the one thing that always seems to resonate whenever a story like this breaks, where players are so fearful that the homosexuals on their teams will suddenly start trying to assrape them.  What’s truly great about this, is that like I already stated, there are probably a dozen or so (maybe more) gay people already playing in the NBA.  They’re just not out because everyone that surrounds them is so fucking stupid.

Think about it.  There are over 400 players in the NBA.  You don’t think that 2-3% of these people are gay?  Of course they are.  It’s just like any demographic of society.  I don’t care what you do or who you are, just because you play ball for a living doesn’t mean you can’t be gay.  What idiots like Shavlik Randolph need to realize is that they’re probably already playing with someone who is gay.  Big fucking deal.

So I figured I’d try to have a little fun with this and figure out who else in the NBA likes to shoot at his own team’s basket.  Here are a few candidates:

Shavlik Randolph:  Oh come on, this one is too easy.  It’s no secret that the biggest gay-bashers are the ones who are gay themselves.  It also doesn’t help that he’s from Duke, where most of our homosexual athletes come from.  We all know that Coach K is prone towards recruiting homosexuals (see below).

the rest in alphabetical order:

Ray Allen:  I’ve always had a lot of respect for Ray Allen.  He generally seems like a good guy, and the guy is a baller despite the fact that he’s been on some seriously shitty teams his entire career.  But there’s just something about him…yeah, he’s definitely gay.

Shane Battier:  Unlike Ray Allen, I hate this douchebag, but not because he’s a homosexual.  I hate him because he’s always comes across as such a smug piece of shit, dating back to his days at, that’s right, Duke.  Why are all Duke players homosexuals?  I don’t know.

Kwame Brown:  Okay, he might not be gay, but he does play basketball like a woman.

Kobe Bryant:  I’m pretty sure all that ‘rape’ stuff was just an act to cover for the fact that he’s gay.  I mean, the guy got married to his high school girlfriend.  What athlete would marry his high school girlfriend when there’s so much hot ass on the road every week?  It doesn’t make any sense.  No no, Kobe Bryant is probably gay.

Boris Diaw:  He’s French.  Enough said.

Rudy Gay:  I mean shit, it’s in his fucking NAME.

Devin Harris:  Isn’t Devin a girl’s name?

Brendan Haywood:  I love Brendan.  But there’s something about him that screams “self-hating queer.”  Why do you think he gets into fights all the time?

Sarunas Jasikevicius:  Maryland alum.  I only question him because he spent the last ten or so years playing ball in Israel, and from what I could tell from my trip there, every dude in Israel is gay.

Jared Jeffries:  Jared kinda looks like he wants to be wearing women’s clothing.  I’m just saying.

Jason Kapono:  I never liked this guy, but not because he’s gay.  He had a quote back when he was drafted about how he thought he should have gone higher but didn’t because he wasn’t European.  Whatever, pretty boy.

Mark Madsen:  Too obvious.

Adam Morrison:  Notorious crier.  Has the same hair as many women.  Gay.

Steve Nash:  Here’s a little known fact - Steve Nash has NEVER, EVER, been seen with a woman under any circumstances, ever.  He even refuses to give sideline interviews with female reporters.  By the way, none of that is true.

J.J. Redick:  How much do I hate this fucker (again, not because he’s gay).  And another Duke alum.

Ben Wallace:  Hey, there ARE some thug homos too.  Not all gay dudes are like Christopher Lowell.

Yao Ming:  Just cause.

Hey, maybe someone could help me out here, wasn’t Tracy Murray supposedly gay?  Wasn’t that why he got into that fight when Rod Strickland beat the shit out of him?  I can’t remember.  Anyone?

There’s this commercial they run on Fox news all the time.  In fact, up until just the other day, I thought it was only run on Fox News but then I saw it on, I believe Comedy Central.

The commercial is basically a bunch of children saying what they want to be when they grow up:

“I’m a life and I want to be an astronaut.”

“I’m a life and I want to be a supreme court justice.” (as if a 9 year old girl even knows what that means)

And of course it ends with this 10 year old black girl who says “I want to be president of the United States!  And I’m a life!”

Yeah.  The only realistic part of this commercial is the little girl who says, “I want to be a mom.”  Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can pull that one off.

Other than that, someone should tell these kids to reach a little lower.

Look, if you have kids, I think it’s great to encourage them.  But let’s not be delusional here.  There are maybe what, a dozen astronauts in this country?  There’s what, nine Supreme Court Justices?  I know there’s only one president.

However, there are plenty of moms.

All I’m saying is that this pro-life commerical is entirely stupid.  And these poor deluded child actors.  Well, maybe they’re not actually deluded because they are reading from a script, but if there are little black girls out there who think they can be the president one day…sorry honey, but that’s pretty fucking unlikely.

They really should remake this commercial a little more realistic.

“I’m a life, and I want to drive a cab!”

“I’m a life and I want to be unemployed and hang out in my parent’s basement!”

“I’m a life and I want to get addicted to meth and sell my body for it!”

See, there are lots of people who do these things.  Maybe if this commercial was a little more realistic I could get down with the pro-lifers.  Nah, probably not.

If you don’t follow football (especially the Redskins) just skip this whole part.

So, fuck them.  Fuck the Redskins.  I decided after the Carolina game last week that I was no longer going to waste my time and money on Sunday, going to the bar I always go to, to watch this team.

So I didn’t watch today.  But as I saw the score scrolling across the bottom of the screen it became pretty clear they were going to lose.  And lose they did.

I think part of the blame lies with Zorn, because from what I can tell, he is one of the worst play callers I can ever remember watching.  Part of the problem lies with the team because, come on, you can’t beat the Lions, Chiefs, or Panthers?

But the real problem lies with Dan Snyder and that idiot he’s got “running” the team, Vinny Cerrato.

Snyder’s owned the team for what, ten years now?  More?  Wouldn’t you think that by now he’d learn a little something about football and, you know, hire a real general manager?

I’m so fucking sick and tired of Snyder and Cerrato trying to run this team like they’re playing fantasy football.  Trade away all of our draft picks for big names.  Sign huge names in the off-season only to have cap issues and have those “star” players come in here and flop.

Why is it that we don’t just benchmark on what the succesful NFL franchises do?

It’s really pretty simple: keep your draft picks and build from within.  An offense starts with an offensive line.  With no line, it doesn’t fucking matter who your quarterbacks and receivers are.  Look what Brett Favre (Brett Favre!!) is doing in Minnesota for fuck’s sake!  Do you really think that 40 year old Brett Favre is a better quarterback than Jason Campbell?  I don’t think so.  I honestly don’t.  The big difference is that Brett Favre, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning have spectacular offensive lines while we have fucking garbage.  Well why is this?

Since Cerrato has been “running” the team, here’s what he’s done with draft picks regarding offensive linemen:

2002: Reggie Coleman (who???), Round 6

2003: Derrick Dockery, Round 3 (although we only had a 2nd, 3rd, and 7th round pick)

2004: Mark Wilson (who???), Round 5, Jim Molinaro (who???), Round 6

2005: None

2006: Kili Lefotu (whoo??), Round 7

2007: None

2008: Chad Rinehart, Round 3

2009: None

To recap, we’ve drafted 6 lineman since 2002 with the ONLY notable name being Dockery.

In Cerrato’s defense, it is hard to draft linemen when you HAVE NO DRAFT PICKS.  In 2003, we had no 1st, 4th, 5th, or 6th.  In 2004 we had no 2nd, 4th, or 7th.  In 2005 we had no 2nd or 3rd.  In 2006 we had no 1st, 3rd, or 4th.  In 2007 we had no 2nd, 3rd, or 4th.

There’s a pattern of complete ineptitude here.  Good teams USE the draft to BUILD TEAMS.  Because we’ve drafted almost no useful offensive linemen, and traded away a large chunk of our picks, we now have this dreadful mess.

It’s really not that difficult.  You know what the Patriots do?  They stockpile picks and build from within.  Why don’t we do this?  Why does Cerrato still have a job?

I’m so fucking sick and tired of this piece of shit team that seemingly gets worse every year.  I feel bad for Jason Campbell.  I feel bad for whoever has to come in and play quarterback behind this makeshift offensive line we’ve put together.  And it’s a shame because our defense has been great for the last several years - of course, rather than promote Gregg Williams two years ago, we showed him the door and hired Jim Zorn, who is so in over his head it’s ridiculous.

It’s pretty simple: if the Skins do not spend their off-season either drafting an offensive line, or bringing in some players (and not overpaying them) to fill these gaping holes on our roster, I am done.  I will stop rooting for this team.  As it is, I am done for this season.  It is unbearable to watch them.

Fuck Dan Snyder, I hate what he’s done to my football team.

As for Balloon Boy…well they said it was a hoax, which was sort of the “No shit” moment of the week.

I hope and pray they arrest these two moron parents and throw them in jail.  And make them pay huge restitution fees.

They did it to try to get a TV show.  A TV show.  Hey, fucktards, here’s an idea: how about you raise your fucking family.  You have three kids.  Raise your fucking family.  Raise your fucking family.  Why in the fuck should you have a television show?  Raise your goddamn children.  What makes you so goddamn special?  Raise your fucking children.
Fuck these people.  Throw them in jail forever and let their kids end up in foster care.  It’s what they deserve.

God this makes me so fucking angry.  What’s sad is, they probably will end up with a tv show.  There’s something really fucking wrong with this country.

Dear Brett Favre,

Come here you sexy thing.

No, no, walk a little slower.  Yeah, like that.  You know how I like it.

Can you do a little spin for me?  No, no, go the other way.  Yeah…mmmm…nice.

Can you blow me a little kiss?  Oh, yeah, just like that.  Fuck you are sexy.  Why don’t you take off that helmet so I can get a better look at that beautiful face of yours?  Nice.  Hot.

Oh I like how you look in those pants.  You big tease.  Why don’t you come on over here so we can get closer?

Oh yeah, the things I want to do to you.  Why don’t you remove those shoulder pads and we can get a little more comfortable?  Can I fix you a drink?  I’ve got some wine coolers in the fridge.

Yeah, take a sip of this.  It’s good, right?  Oh Brett, you get me so hot.

Oh, no!  I spilled my wine cooler all over your pants!  We better get those off of you and into the washer!

Don’t be shy, you can sit a little closer.

Oh Brett.  You are one sexy fuck.

I’m just going to dim the lights a little bit.  Yeah, that’s nice.  Sets the mood a little bit.

You’re not drinking your wine cooler!  Come on, it’s good.  It’s mango papaya, I’m sure you’ll like it.

Oh that?  That’s just my Fat Head of you on the wall.  What can I say, I’m a huge fan!

I’m going to put on some music.  Do you like Kenny G?  Yeah, that’s real nice.

My roommates won’t be home until tomorrow so we have the whooooole house to ourselves.  We can do whatever we want…

Yeah, I’m going to make you feel like a man.

(Slurp slurp, gobble gobble)

Sincerely, the Entire Sports Media

I don’t like Rachel Maddow.  I love Keith Olberman but I cannot stand her.  I watch bits and pieces of her show sometimes for the same reason I watch Sean Hannity.  I think it’s probably because she’s an uppity cunt.  When republicans call democrats “elitists” (which in and of itself is a total joke anyway) I think they are really referring to her.

I’ve noticed something she does though that I absolutely love.  She conducts interviews where she basically says everything she can without saying what she’s really thinking.  The other week she did all but say that Rod Blagoyovich (I know I spelled that wrong but I’m too lazy to look it up) had one of his top aides murdered (he was discovered dead in his car of an apparent intentional drug overdoes).

Anyway, I want to give a transcript of what she did tonight.  A little background:

A census worker in rural Kentucky was found hung with a sign on him that said “FED.”  She reported on this story a few days ago.

Tonight she had an interview with a guy I’m just going to call Gil who knew the man that was killed, Bill Sparkman.  The following is nearly a word for word exchange.
What Maddow Says: I’m sorry for our technical difficulties tonight and I’m sorry for your loss, thanks for being here.

What she’s really saying: I’m sorry that I’m about to totally own this interview.

Gil: Thank you for having me.

What Maddow Says: You told Mr. Sparkman to “be careful” in the area in which he was eventually killed and where his body was found, what were you telling him to be careful about?

What she’s really saying: Okay, so we all know that Mr. Sparkman was killed by crazy right wing evangelical hillbillies, right?

Gil: Well he was more used to more populated areas and he was going into the rural counties when he did his census work.    There are a lot of places over there where you don’t have phone service so it was a statement as a friend to be careful.

What Maddow Says: Were you worried about potential criminal activity in the area, were you worried about cell phone service were you worried about people being specifically being unhappy with him working for the census, what in particular made you worry about him going to that part of the state?

What she’s really saying:   Were you worried about potential criminal activity in the area, were you worried about cell phone service were you worried about ****PEOPLE BEING SPECIFICALLY UNHAPPY WITH HIM FOR WORKING FOR THE CENSUS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME YOU KNOW IT WAS REDNECK GUN-LOVING RIGHT WINGERS!!!!!!*****

Gil: Well uh, the road system over there is a little bit small roads, and I was afraid for his safety on driving the roads and I felt like he needed to let people know on his visits that he was there to collect statistics.

What Maddow Says:  Did he ever express any concern with you about his work with the census bureau, any problems he’d had on the job?

What she’s really saying: He did know that rural people in Kentucky hate the government and want him dead, right?

Gil: No, just the opposite, he really enjoyed his work and said people were really good to him.

What Maddow is thinking: FUCK!  COME ON GIL, THROW ME A BONE!  Okay, new tactic!
What Maddow Says: Um…this part of Kentucky, specifically these counties that you had expressed concern about him traveling to, are folks in this area familiar with the census and its purpose?  Is there any fear that you’re aware of that you might see some government intrustion?

What she’s really saying: Okay, Gil, here’s a softball.  We can all agree that people in rural Kentucky are backwoods, crazy, government hating psychopaths?  Right, Gil?

Gil: No, I’m not aware.  Of course, it’s been 12 years since I worked for the state police and I wasn’t aware of any problems then and I’m not aware of any problems now.

What she’s thinking: FUCK ME!  THIS GUY IS KILLING ME!”

What Maddow Says: In terms of Mr. Sparkman and your friendship with him and his state of mind, I understand that you saw him just a few days before he disappeared, can you shed any light on the speculation that he might have killed himself?

What she’s really saying:  Okay, I know you’re his buddy and there’s no way he killed himself, right?  I mean, it’s clear that these rednecks in Kentucky murdered him, right?  Yes?  RIght?

Gil: Well, I can tell you I did see him a few days before he disappeared and he was smiling like he always did and he was happy to be there.

What Maddow Says: There’s also been some speculation in particular because Daniel Boone State Forest has been known to have some marijuana growing, some meth trafficing, some other drug issues, there’s been some speculation that this had nothing to do with his job, he might have been the victim of a drug related scene…does that seem plausible to you?

What she’s really saying: FINALLY.  You’re on my side now Gil.  So this drug stuff, that probably wasn’t what killed him, that would be ridiculous, right?

Gil: I think that’s the big question that we have is what was the cause of death for Mr. Sparkman and what was he doing over in that area.  I’m not even sure he was doing census work, that hasn’t been confirmed so that’s the biggest question, what was he doing over there and what was the cause of death.

What Maddow Says:Gil, former state trooper and friend of Bill Sparkman whose death is now national news.  Thanks Gil for your time, you have our condolences.

What she’s really saying: Gotcha Gil.

For the record, an FBI spokesman has said “I think to give this impression that he was strung up because he was a federal employee is giving a bad impression to the nation.”

Whatever.

While the odds would appear that a dead census worker with a sign on him that says “FED” in the middle of Nowhere, Kentucky was probably killed by some crazy backwoods psychopath, it’s not definite.  Perhaps Sparkman was some major drug trafficker.  Perhaps Mr. Sparkman, beneath his happy interior, actually hated his census job, hated his mother, hated himself, and just wanted to die….with a sign around him letting people know who to contact upon finding his body.

The point is, we don’t know and may never know what happened.  But Rachel Maddow knows!  She knows and she wants to make you look dumb and her look smart as shit!

And while it probably will end up being exactly what she thinks it is, what a completely ridiculous interview.