copyandcigarettes.com

I am officially awarding youtube as the best site on the internet.  Is there anything you can’t find on youtube?  Do you all remember this awesome piece of history?

I feel like I need to one-up Mccoy:

Suck it, Hammer.

I will be going out of town from the 20th-30th.  I will most likely not have access to the interweb at this time.  Please do not assume I’ve quit this blog.  I know you need me.  I’ll be back writing on the 31st assuming I do not get blown up, which is highly likely.

Ok look, I have a Myspace account. I’m not ashamed of it. Unlike most people on it though, Myspace does NOT rule my life, I don’t check it 1000 times a day, and overall I think it’s just a good way to keep up with some people you don’t see that often or find people you haven’t seen in years.

In fact, I was probably one of the first people on Myspace because I started using it when Friendster started to really piss me off cause it never worked.

But lately, Myspace has really been pissing me off. Every day I have like five friend requests from skanks who are trying to be an internet celebrity by accumulating as many “friends” as possible. It’s really fucking stupid. I usually send them messages in response to their friend requests saying something like “I’m sorry your father didn’t hug you enough when you were a kid, go fuck yourself.”

But the thing is, it’s not just these fucking girls that are this dumb. It seems as though 90% of the people on Myspace are completely fucking retarded. Here’s a list of the people you will find on Myspace:

The normal person: This is me, my friends, and roughly four other people on Myspace. We use Myspace to keep up with our friends and find people from college/high school that we haven’t talked to in years.

The guy with the shitty band: I get this guy a lot because I have several bands as my friends. So I’ll often get the following message: “Hey, I see you like (insert some band name here). I think they’re awesome too! Hey, you should come check out my page and listen to some music by me and my really shitty band!” Look guy, your band sucks and your only fan is your ugly girlfriend that is holding out hope that you’re going to make it. I’m sorry, you suck, and you won’t. Also, you have no friends.

The “real” internet celebrity: These are the so-called “hot” girls who have spammed enough people to make hundreds of thousands of “friends.” Like that triangular faced Tila Tequila. Congratulations. You are super awesome. These people are great because they try to explain how they’re really down to earth, normal people, just like us! Well guess what, considering you are not a real celebrity, you really are just like us. And you’re most likely not the sweet, down to earth person you say you are. The only redeeming thing about these people is they don’t have to go around spamming for new friends because losers can easily find and add them on their own.

The wannabe internet celebrity: This is who I was referring to earlier. These are the girls that go around trying to add anyone and everyone to their list because somehow it validates them as a person. They post new pictures of themselves every day wearing nearly nothing, but then write blogs about how guys need to stop sending them harassing messages. Guess what you dumb ho? When you post near naked pictures of yourself on the internet and then spam everyone to be your friend, you’re going to get some nasty shit sent to you. And you deserve it. Stop being such a fucking retard and deal with it. Back in the good old days, girls with low self esteem used to just go around and fuck anyone that talked to them. Now they have to post half naked pictures of themselves online, try to get as many “friends” as possible, write stupid blog posts about how they just added new pictures of themselves, and fuck anyone that talks to them.

The perv: These might possibly be my favorite people on Myspace. For every wannabe internet celebrity, there are about 400 pervs. The pervs are the people that actually accept the friend request from the wannabe celebrity and then constantly comment on their pages with things like “hey baby, ur so hot, hit me up sometime, holla!” and “thanks for the add, your so fine, if your ever in (insert name of your town here) hit me up, i’ll show you a good time!” Look, you fucking morons, just stop. You make an ass out of yourself and everyone that knows your name by writing stuff like this. Wannabe celebrities have zero inentions of having sex with you. So just stop. Stop posting comments, stop commenting on pictures, stop accepting these people as your friends, and just for me, please stop breathing. You’d do the world a favor. You dumb motherfuckers.

Built guys: Built guys are often pervs but pervs are not often built guys. Got that? Built guys are the dudes that post picture after picture of their totally ripped bodies. They have muscles in places that don’t exist on most people. We’re all really impressed Bruno. You’re big. Congratulations. In between going to the gym and posting pictures of themselves, I don’t know how any of these dudes have time for anything else.

The bulletin poster: If you have a Myspace account you probably have at least two or three friends that fit in this category. This person (almost exclusively female) apparently believes everything they read and feel that they must share this information with the world. Constantly. This includes chain letters that make no sense (send this to 83 people and the boy of your dreams will kiss you tonight!), complete misinformation (such and such child is missing, please help find her by sending this message to everyone you know), and surveys (what was the last thing you ate - dog shit!). Bulletin posters. Please stop. The boy of your dreams isn’t going to kiss you tonight because he’ll be too busy fucking the girl who doesn’t spend all of her free time posting bulletins.

The guy/girl looking for a date: Also often pervs and wannabe celebrities, these are the people that write their profile like they’re looking for a date. The difference though is that when it’s the wannabe celebrities doing it, they only write that way so you’ll be their friend because you think she’ll have sex with you in real life. I hate you all. But sometimes there are just other people who aren’t either pervs or wannabe celebrities that are the person looking for a date. I feel bad for these people. No wait, no I don’t.

Underage Jail Bait: Teenage girls who post incredibly questionable pictures of themselves basically screaming they want to be raped by the registered sex offender next door. Dear God I hope I never have a daughter.

The fake real celebrity: These are the people that create profiles of real life celebrities and pose as them on Myspace. I don’t have any clue what anyone would get out of doing this, but I have even less of a clue as to why people add these fake celebrities as their friends and treat them like they’re real. The fake real celebrities are easy to find because their profile usually goes something like this: “I don’t care if you don’t think I’m the real Paris Hilton! I’m really her! All of you need to stop hating cause I’m really her! Really, I’m the real Paris Hilton! Your all just jealous.” Shut up, go away, kill yourself. Usually these pages are also full of comments from morons saying things like “I believe your the real Paris Hilton! I love you!”

The Actually Real Celebrity: There are actually a few of these I’ve seen, most notably Joe Rogan (he’s a celebrity, right?) I don’t know why any of these people would bother to have a Myspace page, but if it’s to communicate with fans and to not be a dickhead, I think it’s pretty swell of them to do that. Way to go real celebrities.

Ok, ok, I think I’m about done now. Did I forget anyone? I must have. Fucking Myspace.

One last thing: Why is it that approximately 1% of the people on Myspace know the difference between your and you’re? And don’t even get me started with ‘ur’. Our education system is a complete and utter failure.

Sorry if this is old news to some, I’m a little slow.

Richard Hatch, AKA the guy who won the first survivor, is going to prison for tax evasion!  Sweet.

I don’t watch Survivor.  I have not seen any of it.  But even I know about this douchebag.  If I’m correct, I think he’s the guy that was walking around naked all the time, right?  I also think he’s gay.  Wow, he’s really going to LOVE prison.

Anyway, he was sentenced to 51 months, my math is a little bad but I think that’s like, almost a year, but given our penal system he’ll probably be out in a few weeks anyway.  I sure hope they’re sending him to a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison and not one of those white-collar resort prisons.  Really, how stupid do you have to be to win a reality show and the million dollars that comes along with it, and NOT declare this money to the IRS?  How stupid?  Ramonce Taylor calling the police while he has five pounds of weed in his car stupid, or showing up to have sex with an underage girl you solicited on the internet even though you’ve already seen the Dateline NBC shows where it’s a sting and you’re going to go to jail stupid (probably a post on this at a later date)?  Is this stupider than that?  Why is everyone so stupid?

Anyway, if you’re bored enough you can read the full report here  and read just how stupid he is.  He’s so stupid in fact, that he actually tried to claim a refund from his taxes that year because he reported negative income.  The balls on this guy!
Richard Hatch: You are stupid.  I’m sure at least one person in the IRS watched your stupid ass on Survivor and knew you won the damn show.  Goddamn it you are stupid.

If the producers of Survivor were intelligent, they would make a reality show out of this.  Survivor: Prison.  Now that would be a show.

Catholics and readers and moviegoers alike are all stupid.

The Da Vinci Code is a BOOK.  It is a work of FICTION.  People who get themselves into some kind of uproar over the book or movie version, are quite simply, retarded.  If you believe everything you read in a work of fiction or a movie, you are quite simply, retarded.

But you know what else is a work of fiction?  The Bible.  So everyone should just shut the hell up cause I’m tired of reading about this.  That’s all I have to say for now.

That was directed at Brian Mark, the rich asshole who lives in London, not any of the other Brians I know.

Ok, maybe not ever.  After all, I am the person who wrote near thesis’ on shows such as Maury Povich, Next, and Date My Mom.

But Deal or No Deal really personifies exactly how stupid Americans are.

Oh wait, it’s not just Americans.  In fact, I first saw Deal or No Deal when I was living in Barcelona for a few months last year.  In Spain, Deal or No Deal (called Allá tú - with the most excruciating theme song since Small Wonder) is hosted by this guy Jesús Vázquez.  I’m not ashamed to admit that Jesús is about 1,000 times better looking than that freakshow we know as Howie Mandel but roughly 10,000 times more annoying - and I couldn’t even understand most of what he said.

Watching this show in Spain, I found myself thinking that it was only a short matter of time before it hit America.  Why?  Because you need to know absolutely NOTHING to win.  NOTHING.  Some people say you need to know how to count.  Even that’s not right.  You just need to know the words for numbers.  Do you know the word ‘two’?  You do?  Great, you win.

Really, there are only three differences in the Spanish version than the American version.  First, the show really is about Jesús.  When the banker calls this asshole, Jesús talks to him for like five minutes at a time.  No joke.  And since I know rougly three words of Spanish, I had no fucking clue what Jesús could be talking about for so goddamn long.  Based on what he looked like, I’m guessing there were lots of conversations about hair care products and vaseline.  But I could be wrong.

Second, in Spain, Allá tú is on EVERY FUCKING DAY.  So maybe, just maybe, the Spanish people are dumber than Americans.

Third and most importantly, there are NO MODELS.  Instead of models, there are 26 contestants who are all on for the entire week, lined up in a semicircle  outside of  Jesus.  At the beginning of every show  they have to answer a trivia question (so at least over there they have to know SOMETHING) to be the contestant for the day.   And the part that was the most annoying about the Spanish version was that every time a case was picked,  every other contestant would run  over to the case and the person would open it all slowly and and they would all celebrate or cry together.

Even as an American who could barely understand 1/50 of the words being said, I could still follow the show in Spain, which is why I watched it.  Cause it’s fucking stupid.  But like I said, I just knew it was only a matter of time before it got picked up over here.  And it did.

But it’s not just Spain.  I’ve actually seen this show in the UK as well.  It’s apparently everywhere.  It’s in Europe - France, Germany, Italy, etc.  It’s in Eastern Europe - Hungary, Romania, etc.  It’s in countries that I’m surprised even have televisions - Tunisia, Bulgaria, etc.  It’s in the Middle East - Israel.  It’s in South American and Australia.

And why?  It’s simple.  Because everyone is FUCKING STUPID.

Our version, which I avoid at almost any cost, is no exception.  All the contestants are stupid, Howie Mandel is stupid, anyone that enjoys it is stupid, and all the audience members are, without a doubt, beyond stupid.  A contestant will be like “Wow, I don’t know which case to pick.”  And then one of their dumbass family members will be like “Well, your grandfather’s birthday is on the 12th, pick 12.”  “Oh, wow, that’s so genius.  I’ll pick 12.”  And then people in the audience will be all “No, don’t pick 12!  What is wrong with you?  12 sucks!”  What?  What?  What?

What the fuck is going on here?  How did everyone get so dumb?

You know what else I hate about this fucking show?  The further the person gets, the more often Howie Mandel tells them to just keep picking low numbers.  He says it all the time when they emphatically (and retardedly) shout “NO DEAL!”  “Just remember Dick, you want to pick a low number and keep the higher numbers on the board.”  Oh really?  So you’re saying that I want to win A LOT of money and not A LITTLE money?  Well thanks!  Now that you’ve given me this great advice, I’ll just randomly pick the smaller numbers.  You’re a real lifesaver.

The only redeeming quality of the show is that some of the models are decent looking.  If I ever was on the show, that’s how I’d pick my cases.  I’d just get rid of all the less attractive models so I wouldn’t have to look at them.  Simple.

But, I’ll never be on the show.  Because it’s fucking stupid.  And it’s a giant hit.  A GIANT FUCKING HIT.  Jesus Christ.  I hate everyone.

I could write something like this myself, but I was up until 230 last night watching the Suns game.  So just go here and read what they wrote instead.

Sonofabitch. How could i forget Fudd? Joe Lott is beyond correct. I’m bumping Fudd up to the number 2 spot. Goddammit I love Fuddruckers. Although, they REFUSE to cook anything below medium, trust me, I try. They’re all “we dont do medium rare,” and when you ask them why they say it’s cause of the health department or some shit. Fuck all that.

And when you go to Fudd after 3 hours spent drinking at an open bar, it’s like a message from God letting you know that life is indeed, good.

And when I think about it, I think I did go to an In-an-Out when I was in Vegas last winter, but I don’t really remember it so I couldn’t have been all that impressed.  It’s like that one time I went to that fried chicken place…what the hell is it called…the place down south that serves sweet tea…wtf is it called…anyway, that place got built up so much for me and then I ate there and I was extremely dissapointed.  50 cents goes to whoever knows the name of it.

This is going to be part 1 of my series “The Best Fast Food Around.”  Considering 65% of my meals (roughly) are fast food, and I am a disgusting fat slob, I’m going to use this space from time to time to rank my favorite fast food based on different categories.  Today’s focus will be hamburgers.

1) Five Guys.  Five Guys is hands-down the BEST hamburgers anywhere around.  Unfortunately, even though Five Guys has sold out ALL OF THEIR FRANCHISES for the metro DC area, there is not ONE anywhere remotely close to where I live.  In fact, I think the closest one is somewhere in Gaithersburg.  Now that just plain sucks.

Five Guys is so great that whenever I’m anywhere close to one, I’ll have to stop in because I have no idea the next time I’ll be nearby.   What makes Five Guys so great?  Let me count the ways.

First, it’s relatively cheap for what you get.  The burgers are only like $4-5 based on if you’re getting bacon and cheese or not (and why wouldn’t you) and they’re big, greasy, and delicious.

Second, you have your choice of like 15 different toppings (including both raw AND fried onions) and that’s just totally awesome.

Third, Five Guys is fresh.  You can sit there watching them make your burger as you wait and that kicks ass.

The only downside to eating at Five Guys is that it’s slower than any other fast food place.  But the wait is worth it for sure.

2) Checkers.  There are even less Checkers in the area than there are Five Guys.  In fact, I only know of the one over by UMD.  Checkers is cheap and delicious.

3) White Castle.  I’ve only had the pleasure of eating at White Castle once or twice because there are zero that I know about in the DC area.  But I still hold fond memories of those delicious sliders coursing through my digestive system.  It’s really no wonder they made a movie about it.

4) Wendy’s.  Finally, somewhere I could go get a burger every day if I wanted to.  Dave Thomas was the man and always stood behind his quality hamburgers.  Somewhere, Dave is looking down on all of us and smiling every time we eat one of his delicious hamburgers.  I miss you Dave.

5) Burger King.  I’ve never been a huge fan of the Whopper, but I can’t deny that it is a decent burger.  BK has lost a lot of it’s appeal to me lately due to the really really creepy Burger King commercials where you wake up and he’s lying in bed next to you.  I don’t like going to BK and envisioning a Roofie being slipped into my Cherry Coke and finding myself on the worse end of a one night love fest with the King.

6) McDonald’s.  End of the line.  I haven’t eaten a burger from McDonald’s in probably 15 years.  McDonald’s, plain and simple, is gross.

Places I’ve never been to but I hear are good: Jack in the Box.  In-and-Out Burger.  Someone once told me that Sonic is awesome, but I don’t believe that.

Hey Brian,

Do you read this?

I hate you.

So fucking much.