So I had my first fantasy football draft on sunday. In further attempt to alienate 90% of my readership, here’s how it went:
815: I show up at Rowe’s condo and watch as he crazily tries to get organized between giving people directions to Kyle’s with a broken phone and figuring out how to order pizza. After having told him earlier that I wasn’t going to eat because I was coming off Chipotle, I changed my mind and told him I might have a few slices.
717: Begin conversation where Rowe goes crazy that I now want pizza. He had already ordered FIVE PIZZAS for 10 people and refused to accept my answer of “don’t worry about it” when repeatedly asking me how this was going to work out.
725: I threaten to leave and go home and not be in this fucking league if he says the word pizza to me one more time. I am completely serious.
725: Rowe says “Just tell me how you are going to eat pizza?” I stand up and am dead serious about leaving. Rowe calms down, slightly.
727: Justin and Boris arrive saving me from having any more discussion of “how I am going to eat pizza.” We leave.
734: We stop at Jerry’s and Rowe picks up the FIVE PIZZAS. He says it’s no longer a problem because he got a discount, which really makes no sense because his argument was never over money, it was over the fact that EVERYONE NEEDS THEIR FOUR SLICES OF PIZZA.
740: We arrive at Kyle’s apartment.
742: Begin the 20 minute draft delay so 10 people (ie everyone but me) try to set up their laptop to get internet service.
745: Begin my complaining that there’s no point in holding a “live draft” where everyone gets together, if people are just going to be staring at computer screens the entire time. If we were all going to do that, I could have stayed at home and not gotten into any arguments over pizza.
746: I eat my first slice of pizza and it is good.
800: Wow, everyone is finally ready to go with their laptop, except for Nate because his computer sucks. Seriously, I could have just stayed at home.
810: The first three picks have been no surprise, and with the worst spot in the draft, number four, I am torn between Tiki Barber, a guy who I never draft because I always think he’s too old even though he just had an MVP season and Steven Jackson, a guy who has super cool hair. To me, this is no longer a debate and I resign myself to Steven Jackson.
820: This first round is moving entirely too slowly as this thing should be flying. If you all are sitting around with computers and still cant decide what to do in ROUND FUCKING ONE, you dont belong in a fantasy football draft.
825: With the tenth pick, Ananth completely steals Ronnie Brown, who could have gone as high as my number four had I not been an idiot.
833: With the second pick of the second round (14th overall), we have the first truly horrible pick of the draft as Joseph Addai goes off the board. Hmm, a rookie RB who will be splitting time with Dominic Rhodes, as guy’s like CLINTON PORTIS, PEYTON MANNING, and EVERY WIDE RECEIVER are still available.
834: With the very next pick, Ananth STEALS Clinton Portis. Ananth is already having a better draft than everyone. Why does this guy always get so fucking lucky that everyone ahead of him sucks?
836: At pick 16, Dan chooses Chad Johnson over Peyton Manning. I’m not sure what his reasoning for this was because we do not get points for sweet ass touchdown celebrations.
838: At pick 17, Boris chooses Brian Westbrook over Peyton Manning. I’m not sure what his reasoning for this was because we do not get points for being an injured little bitch.
840: At pick 18, Mccoy chooses Reggie Bush over Peyton Manning. I’m not sure what his reasoning for this was because we do not get points for being…okay I have nothing bad to say about Reggie Bush because he is fucking awesome, but still, Bush over Manning? Please.
841: At pick 19, Kyle chooses Thomas Jones over Peyton Manning. I’m not sure what his reasoning for this was because we do not get points for confusing the entire league by your draft selections.
842: At pick 20, Colin chooses Steve Smith over Peyton Manning. I’m not sure what his reasoning for this was because we do not get points for proposing to our girlfriend on draft night, thus not showing up, and then having Adam Rowe make all your selections for you even though you chose this one yourself over the phone.
842, 1 second: I immediately pick Peyton Manning at a stunning number 21 overall. There is NO FUCKING WAY Manning should ever slip this far in a draft. I am unhappy because I hate drafting quarterbacks this early when I can still get a serviceable back or top wide receiver. But I am not stupid enough to pass on him this late even though he will never repeat his numbers from two seasons ago. Oh well.
848: Alex decides to forget about drafting running backs from now until the end of the draft and picks Torry Holt and Larry Fitzgerald, two of the top five receivers.
853: At pick number 28 overall, I choose Frank Gore even though I hate this guy and even though he plays on the worst team in the NFL. Perhaps I should have picked a wide receiver here. I am already hating the way this draft is going down. My only thinking was that he’s now officially their only running back who is serviceable, even though nobody else on their offense can play football at a varsity level.
857: Chris Mccoy throws caution to the wind and drafts Terrell Owens at pick 31. I don’t hate this pick nearly as much as I hate Owens, but this one could come back to bite Mccoy later.
900: Dan chooses Julius Jones at 33 overall and thus decides to hate himself for the entire season when Parcells chooses to run Marion Barber and Tyson Thomas all the time just to fuck with fantasy owners. Also, Julius Jones sucks balls.
901 - 915: Every wide receiver I wanted to draft around now (Chambers, Ward, Burress, Roy Williams, Reggie Wayne) goes off the board. I begin mentioning that nobody has drafted Kevin Jones yet hoping someone will pick him so that I don’t have to.
908: At pick 37 overall, Nate picks Kevin Jones. I take a deep breath and smile. I hate Kevin Jones so fucking much. With Mike Martz at the helm, this is either a wonderful pick by Nate, or the worst pick ever. People begin to compliment the pick as their reasoning is Mike Martz. Oh yeah, because Mike Martz just LOVES running the football…
917: At pick 45 overall, I choose Donald Driver. I had him listed as the 5th best receiver overall, which is a little ridiculous. On the bright side, seeing as how I don’t get negative points for every intercepted ball headed Driver’s way from Favre, this could work out okay.
919: Adam Rowe chooses Reuben Droughns at 46 because he doesn’t like touchdowns.
921: Justin chooses Deuce Mccallister at 47 overall. Great pick. No sarcasm.
925: At number 49 overall, Alex chooses Fragile Fred Taylor. I begin laughing.
930: At 52 overall, I choose Mike Bell. I begin laughing.
935: At 58 overall, Ananth decides to screw me over by choosing TJ Houshmanzadeh. I was pretty sure he was going to fall back down to me in about another 10 picks because nobody can pronounce his name, thus making his selection difficult in a live draft.
942: Chris Taylor decides to completely ignore the starting running back, Chris Brown, and chooses Lendale White at 62 overall. I mean, I hate Chris Brown too, but this is mildly confusing. If Chris Taylor’s draft strategy was to confuse me, consider it a success. First Joseph Addai, then Lendale White. Whatever.
943: Nate is on beer seven or eight by now and moving very slowly every time he has to make a pick. This is going to be a long night.
944: I get up and get two more slices of pizza. Rowe remains silent.
945: At pick 65 overall, Boris decided to take a tight end. I like this move here because it’s a good spot to take a top five guy here. But why choose any of the best remaining tight ends like Todd Heap or Chris Cooley when you can take an unproven rookie from Maryland named Vernon Davis who plays on the worst league in the NFL? I laugh and remember that I drafted Frank Gore.
946: Mccoy picks Todd Heap at 66, which is probably what Boris should have done.
948: And with the first “Is that guy even playing pick?” Rowe chooses Deion Branch for Colin. If I were Colin, I’d be pissed. What’s the matter Rowe, you didn’t want to give him Maurice Clarett?
949: With pick 69 I snatch up DeAngelo Williams, hoping I will either be able to start him at some point, or trade him to the guy who drafted DeShaun foster when he goes down. I love DeAngelo Williams and I love this pick. Probably the only pick I have made at this point that I actually like.
953: Chris Taylor selects Chris Cooley, a pick that Boris probably should have made. Chris Taylor goes from making weird confusing picks, to really good picks every round. He’s like a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a Sean Taylor jersey. I have no idea what’s going on.
1000: At 76 overall I take Ben Watson. I really, really wanted to take Alge Crumpler here, but we had the Redskins game on and Watson had just made his 8th reception of the game for about 90 yards and a touchdown. Preseason football is fucking me up.
1010: At 82 overall, Ananth chooses Nate Burleson. I laugh and then remember I chose this loser in the fourth round last year.
1011: Chris Taylor confuses me some more by making a great pick by snatching up Daunte Culpepper at 83. I had targeted Culpepper around round 8 or 9 until I had stolen Manning at the end of the second round.
1014: Nate, who is now beyond drunk and screaming “That’s an awful pick, son!” after every pick, decides to piss me off by taking Lee Evans who is going to blow up this year assuming JP Losman learns how to throw a football. He proceeds to ruin this pick by following it up with Michael Vick, easily one of the best running backs in football, but about as bad as a starting fantasy quarterback can be. This entire process takes about five minutes.
1020: Mccoy throws caution to the wind and drafts Ahman Green at 90. At this point it’s so late that this is actually a decent selection. Chris Brown remains undrafted and I am starting to worry that I’m going to end up with him. I make a few more comments that I CANNOT BELIEVE nobody has picked him yet. Please god let someone draft Chris Brown.
1026: It’s round 8 and I only have one wide reciever in a league where we have to start three. I sigh as I pick Reggie Brown at 93 overall. McNabb has to throw to someone, right?
1031: At pick 100 overall, I think I am making the best selection of the draft so far as I choose Greg Jones with the intention of trading him to Alex in week three when Fred Taylor goes down to his yearly injury. I’m thinking, man, how did Alex not draft this guy as insurance yet? I even warned him at the beginning of this round he better take a certain someone but instead he took Randy McMichael. Oh baby do I love this pick. I’m already thinking that I’ll be able to fleece Torry Holt out of Alex in a few weeks. Well it turns out the Greg Jones sprained his knee in a preseason game later that night. And then it turned out it wasn’t a sprain at all, it was a torn MCl (or ACL, it really doesn’t matter) and he’s out for the season. I have already dropped him and added LaBrandon Toefield not that it matters at all at this point. I am so fucking angry. Shit, had I known that, I would have drafted Chris Brown.
1032 - 1050: Every wide receiver I would have taken at this point goes off the board yet again including both the Claytons (I would have taken either even though I don’t know which one is which), Matt Jones, and Travis Taylor. Goddammit my receiving corps is going to suck balls once again.
1051: Adam Rowe decides to fuck Colin over a little more as he chooses Neil Rackers in round ten. Colin, if you’re reading this, I would beat Rowe’s ass.
1052: Seeing as how there are no decent receiving options available, I decide to take the second best defense available (Bears have been taken already) and choose Troy Polamalu…I mean, Steelers D. Yay.
1056: Yes! All of my talking has paid off as Alex selects Chris Brown, thus forming the worst running back group in all of fantasy football. At least he has LT.
1100: Adam Rowe continues making horrible picks for two teams as he selects Musa Smith for himself. Everyone has a good laugh. Musa Smith…classic.
1101: At 124 overall, I take Kevin Curtis. Every good fantasy football team has at least one white wide receiver, and Drew Bennett was long gone. Long live Kevin Curtis.
1115: Nate takes another six minutes to make two picks, the first of which is Mike Vanderjagt, eh. The second of which is Redskins defense. Nate clearly was entirely too drunk to be paying attention to the scoreboard of the game on directly in front of him in which the Redskins were losing 41-0.
1120: Adam Rowe clearly hates Colin as he chooses Ashley Lelie for him. Colin, I’m going to say it again, you have the right to beat the shit out of Adam Rowe. Next time you propose to your girlfriend, don’t do it during a fantasy football draft.
1121: I clearly just want this fucking thing to end and I pick up Samkon Gado, praying that Ahman Green sucks and Najeh Davenport gets thrown off the team for shitting in someone’s closet (it’s happened once before, minus the getting thrown off the team part).
1130: At 128 overall I select Marty Booker, completing the worst quartet of wide receivers ever. Yes, Marty Booker still plays football. Driver, Brown, Curtis, Booker. God help me.
1200: Nothing else really interesting happens but I finish my draft by taking Akers, and Billy Volek.
1201: I ask if there’s any pizza leftover. There is. Message to Adam Rowe: next time I say something completely unimportant and trivial will be ok, so as “me eating pizza will be ok,” please dont get into a 10 minute argument with me. I eat another piece of pizza.
1202: The draft officially ends. I officially hate my team.
Notes on individual teams:
I Want to Dip My Balls In It (me): Like I said, I hate my team. I’m relying on one unproven starting running back (Jackson), who may or may not lose his goal line carries to Steven fucking Davis, a completely unproven rb in Mike Bell who will probably lose his job by week two, a decent running back on a horrible offense in Frank Gore, a running back I’ve already dropped in Greg Jones, two running backs I’m hoping I can trade for wide recievers once the starters go down in Gado and Williams, the WORST assembly I could have ever thought of making in my wide receiving corps, but the best quarterback in fantasy football.
How I Can Win This League: If Peyton Manning throws for 6,000 yards and 80 touchdowns and David Akers kicks 600 field goals from 80 yards. If DeShaun Foster and Ahman Green get injured and I can trade for two top 10 wide receivers.
Why I Will Lose This League: Seriously, have you seen my team?
Adam Rowe is Gay (Mccoy): Other than taking Bush too early, I think Mccoy had a pretty good draft and has a pretty solid team.
Why Mccoy Will Win: Barring serious injuries or meltdowns from his top players (including TO), Mccoy has a pretty good chance I think. He’s got Bulger, Lamont, TO, Chester Taylor, and Todd Heap. I’d say he isn’t really weak at any position.
Why Mccoy Will Lose: Well, there’s a good chance TO will only play eight games this year because Parcells already hates him. Reggie Bush might blow out an ACL or something doing a backflip cartwheel combination the likes of which we’ve never seen in a football game before, Chester Taylor is Chester Taylor, and Bulger is coming off a fairly serious shoulder injury.
Fuckity Fuck Fuck (dan): Dan had an interesting draft. He was one of the people that passed on Manning and he might go on to regret that.
Why Dan Will Win: Dan is relying pretty heavily on his receiving corps, which consists of Chad Johnson, Roy Williams, Rod Smith, Drew Bennett, Mark Clayton, and Brandon Lloyd. They are all serviceable receivers and Dan did a good job getting guys who are going to catch a lot of balls.
Why Dan Will Lose: Unfortunately for Dan, he can’t start all of those players and needs to play a few running backs and a quarterback as well. Dan’s got Benson, whose team hates him and who might not see any action for a while, Julius Jones who will get hurt and lose carries to other players anyway, and Cadillac Williams, who will get too beat up again in Gruden’s offense. He’s also relying on Kurt Warner at QB and that’s a little risky. Also, Chad Johnson is just itching to get suspended for a touchdown celebration this year.
Getting Our Goose On (Rowe): Rowe decided to fuck over not one, but two teams this year.
Why Rowe Will Win: That’s tough to say. He does have Shaun Alexander and he should have gone number one overall in my opinion. But after that Rowe isn’t particularly strong at any position.
Why Rowe Will Lose: Let me count the ways. When you draft Musa Smith, you’ve already given up on the season. I suppose it’s possible that Willy Parker will have a breakout season, but I am not seeing it. Reuben Droughns sucks, Laverneous Coles sucks, Javon Walker is coming off a major injury…I am picturing a tough year for Adam Rowe.
Gus Bus (Boris): Boris decided to use this draft to make a statement. And that statement was “I love Vernon Davis.”
Why Boris Will Win: I’d say Boris had an above average draft. He’s got Rudi and Westbrook to go along with Randy Moss, Muhsin Muhammed and Andre Johnson. Overall it’s not a bad team.
Why Boris Will Lose: Unfortunately for this team, all of his positives have HUGE negatives. Westbrook can’t survive a full season and without TO he’s going to lose a lot of his overall yardage stats. And all of Boris’ good recievers are hampered by awful quarterbacks in Aaron Brooks, Rex Grossman, and David Carr. It’s sketchy.
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers (Ananth): This is only my second year in this league, but once again, Ananth had the best draft.
Why Ananth Will Win: Ananth completely stole Clinton Portis and Ronnie Brown. He’s also got Matt Hasslebeck, Housh, and Chris Chambers who is going to bust out bigtime this year I think. Ananth is strong at every position.
Why Ananth Will Lose: Please. I’m going to use this space to predict Ananth is going to win this league. Barring serious injuries, his team is solid. The only real problem is his lack of depth at every position.
Pillow Pants (Chris Taylor): I just met Chris at this draft so I don’t want to say anything too bad about him, but his draft confused the hell out of me.
Why Chris Will Win: Well, he did show up to the draft wearing a Sean Taylor jersey, so that scores some points. After that…Um…
Why Chris Will Lose: I’m sorry, but I hate this team and I hate his draft. I could be wrong but I’m predicting a last place finish for Chris. It all started with Addai in the second round.
Smoke and Mirrors 3.0 (Kyle): I was a little dissapointed with Kyle as I thought he was better at fantasy football than this…his team turned out okay but he still made some questionable picks.
Why Kyle Will Win: Kyle did manage to snatch up Tiki when I should have taken him, and he’s also got serviceable players at every position. Tatum Bell can easily usurp Mike Bell’s position, Burress is becoming a touchdown machine in New York, and Antonio Gates is a monster. Kyle’s team is okay, but not one of the best.
Why Kyle Will Lose: I don’t know why, but they just don’t want Thomas Jones to be a star in Chicago. I don’t get it because the guy is a beast. Kyle took a real gamble picking Jones in the second round. Darrell Jackson is always hurting and/or dropping passes and Keenan McCardell is 50 years old. I’m iffy on how good or bad this team will be.
That’s What She Said (Justin): This was apparently Justin’s first ever fantasy football draft and I think that overall, he did a pretty good job.
Why Justin Will Win: The guy’s got Larry Johnson. I mean, if you’ve got Larry you’ve got a chance.
Why Justin Will Lose: His team isn’t particularly deep at any position. Both Jamal Lewis and Deuce McCallister are question marks, Jerry Porter hates his team, Marvin Harrison’s age has to start catching up at some point, and Trent Green is starting to look fairly average these days. Justin’s team will either do really well, or really poorly and I can’t decide which.
The Evil Platypi (Colin): As noted above, Colin was the only person not at the draft because he was proposing to his girlfriend. I hope the proposal turned out better than the draft. Adam Rowe decided to fuck Colin in the ass for this draft and Colin should beat the shit out of him.
Why Colin Will Win: He won’t.
Why Colin Will Lose: Because his team sucks and Adam Rowe hates him.
The Fartknockers (Nate): Nate was drunk by round four, and I think his picks reflect that.
Why Nate Will Win: I’m struggling to think of anything positive. Mike Vanderjagt is a good kicker.
Why Nate Will Lose: Michael Vick can’t throw. Dominick Davis is already hurt. Warrick Dunn can’t handle goal line carries. Kevin Jones is the worst running back ever and I hate him. Derrick Mason plays for Baltimore. Tony Gonzalez hasn’t been good for three years. The Redskins defense just gave up 41 points in a preseason game. I think Colin’s team might actually be better. Drinking is fun, but drinking and drafting just doesn’t mix.
The La Li Lu Le Lo (Alex): Alex had an okay draft even though he apparently gave up on drafting running backs that can play football.
Why Alex Will Win: He’s got LT. He’s got good receivers.
Why Alex Will Lose: He’s going to have to trade some of those good wide receivers for average running backs when Fred Taylor, and Chris Brown get hurt.
I am going to end this in a second because this is crazy long and I’m sure nobody not in my league has read this but here’s a final prediction of standings:
1) Ananth
2) Mccoy
3) Boris
4) Me
5) Kyle
6) Dan
7) Alex
8) Justin
9) Chris Taylor
10) Rowe
11) Colin
12) Nate