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Well, in just two days I’ll be in my car driving to Austin, Texas, a land where it always smells like a Chipotle burrito and where the streets are paved with gold.

I’d been trying to get this move going for over a year now, and the time has finally come.  I’ll most likely end up moving back to DC at some point in my life (hopefully in no less than a few years) as this is where my home is.  But at some point in your life, you have to say enough is enough and take your shot somewhere else.  I’ve been here for 25 years, and I really think it’s time for a change.

Anyway, I won’t be updating this for a bit, as I’m getting into Austin on Monday and don’t know how long it will take to get our internet up and running.

I may be leaving but this awesome blog will live on.

Peace out.

So I woke up this morning and loaded up ESPN.com to be greeted by the news that Terrell Owens tried to “kill himself” last night by overdosing on pain medication because he was “depressed.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh man, is it wrong for me to be sad that he failed?

But seriously, we all know by now that anyone who tries to “kill themself” by overdosing on pills isn’t really trying to kill themself.  It’s happened over and over throughout the history of time.  Didn’t Mariah Carey try to do this shit a few years back?  Taking pills is not a suicide attempt.  I’ve always hated that phrase - suicide attempt.  Look, if you want to kill yourself, it ain’t hard.  There is no attempt.  You either do it or you don’t.  Want to kill yourself?  A shotgun blast to the face will do it.  Jumping off a 20 story building will do it.  Walking into a train will do it.  Taking pain medication is such a pussy attempt to garner some attention.

And if there’s anyone in the country that needs more attention placed on them, well doesn’t it have to be Terrell Owens?

Here’s my hypothesis.  Terrell Owens broke a finger against the Skins last week.  He’s supposed to be out for 2-4 weeks, meaning he will miss the game at Philly, a game he surely wants to play in but probably won’t be able to.  With that said, TO news is declining.  What better way to not only get people TALKING about you again but to also find another reason why you can’t play in a game you already couldn’t play in than to attempt to “kill yourself.”  Brilliant.  I wonder if superagent Drew Rosenhaus put him up to this.  I mean it’s pure genius.

Fuck TO.  I’m not a sadist, I’m glad he didn’t die.  But come on, who dies from trying to swallow too many pain pills?  Has anyone ever successfuly killed themself on purpose in this manner?  Again, I’m glad he’s not dead.  I have a serious dislike for him, but I don’t wish death upon anyone.  Well, maybe not anyone.  But maybe he should just retire or something if he’s soooo saaaaad.  “Woe is me, I’m the most well known wide reciever in the NFL and I have millions upon millions of dollars.  I catch a football for a living and I’m going to retire when I’m 36 years old.  Life is soooo hard.”  Give me a fucking break.
TO is probably the most notoriously selfish athlete, and all this is about the most selfish thing he could have done.
I can’t wait to find out more details about this.

Longtime readers of this blog know more than they need to about my love of fast food, and really, any food in general, which is why I heard the greatest thing ever last night.

I get 90% of my news from late night television - the Daily Show, Leno, and reruns of the O’Reilly Factor (but that’s what I like to call the “joke news”). Last night in his monologue, Jay Leno said that McDonald’s is thinking about extending their breakfast menu ALL DAY LONG.

ALL.

DAY.

LONG!!!!

Listen, anyone who knows me well knows that for the last ten years I’ve been saying that if McDonald’s extended their breakfast to all day, I would eat there probably five times a week, maybe more. I pretty much hate everything on the McDonald’s menu. Their burgers are pretty crappy, their fries are inconsistent, even their milkshakes don’t taste good anymore (no really, I have gotten two over the summer and they taste like CRAP all of a sudden even though they used to be really good). In a pinch, I’ll get chicken nuggets, smother them in hot sauce and call it a day.

But I’ve always said, if only they always served breakfast. It’s always been a great mystery to me. Why doesn’t McDonald’s serve breakfast all day long? It’s not like they’re running some kind of fancy operation over at McDonald’s. It’s fucking McDonald’s.

But McDonald’s breakfast…I get hungry just thinking about it. In fact, I don’t know any fast food place whose breakfast I will even consider eating. Only McDonald’s. I don’t think there is a better fast food creation than a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. If I ever go get McDonald’s breakfast (something that happens maybe once a month, probably less because I normally don’t eat any breakfast) I love these things, but can eat only one because it’s breakfast. And I don’t know how long they’ve been around, but a bacon, egg, and cheese BAGEL now exists! And I tried one the last time I was there. Guess what? Delicious.

But if I could go to McDonald’s at say, 3 in the afternoon, I would probably eat one of everything on the breakfast menu. Give me some hashbrowns. Give me a sausage bisuit with egg. Give me some hotcakes with sausage. And a coffee. And another bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit.

McDonald’s, listen up because now I’m talking to you: If you extend breakfast hours all day long, I will be there five times a week. This is my promise to you. Right now you only make $1,000,000,000 a day in sales worldwide. But if you extend breakfast all day long, I assure you, you will make at least $1,000,000,010 a day, just from me alone! Is this not worth it to you? My ten dollars a day? Please McDonald’s, I want you to have my money. Just extend those breakfast hours and we’ll call it a deal. I don’t want to argue or fight about this. But now that I’ve heard that there’s even a chance this could happen, I won’t stop thinking about it until it does. Please McDonald’s.

Please.

As I was watching some program on E! the other day (I don’t remember what, Dr. 90210, The Girls Next Door, it really could have been anything because E! is just such a fucking awesome channel) I saw a commercial for this show:

The one I saw was about twice as long, but I couldn’t find it on Youtube. Basically in the one I saw, Nick talks about how we might know him from the Backstreet Boys and just how “dysfunctional” his family is.

But now, as Nick explains, he’s bringing all of his brothers and sisters together to live in one house to start over. I’m sure it has nothing to do with his all but dead music career and agreeing to do this show so he can exploit his other siblings to make a little bit of cash.  No, I’m sure it has nothing to do with that.  I’m sure they don’t even realize they’re being exploited because his sisters are probably just happy to be on television.
Oh that Carter family, they must be so dysfunctional! Nick made millions of dollars as part of the boy band phenomenon of the late 90’s, and his little, ugly, and talentless brother Aaron was able to ride his coattails to his own fame. I have never heard of any of his sisters, and I think we were all probably better off that way.

I really don’t know what’s worse: the reality televison producers who keep churning out shows about fading celebrities and their families, or the people that watch these shows and in turn make these useless family members famous.

Here’s a list of shows that I have never and will never watch: That one about Ashlee Simpson, Run’s House, The Osbournes, That one about Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston and family, Meet the Barkers, that Ashley Parker Angel show, etc. These are shows responsible for making people like Ashlee Simpson and Kelly Osbourne famous. It makes me kind of sick.
You know, I watch a lot of crappy reality television but I draw the line at shows about fading celebrities and their useless families. House of Carters - get the fuck out of my face. This is one show that I will not watch. Unless on the season premiere Nick kills everyone in the house including himself. Then I’ll watch.

Someone linked to this video on a sports blog I read.  I don’t know if it’s NSFW, but I probably wouldn’t watch it if I have coworkers around.  It’s definitely funny and reminds me a lot of myself.

So since I missed about half of season 2 of Entourage (and I have seen none of season 3 nor heard anything about it), I have got it from Netflix and have been rewatching it from start to finish. I gotta say, Entourage just isn’t very good.

It’s not that I don’t like the writing or the characters or anything like that but the show just isn’t really…it’s not very redeeming.

I’ve heard a general dislike for the show comes from the fact that NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO ANYONE. And as far as I can tell, this is entirely true and part of the reason the show is starting to wear on me. I realize the show is a lot lighter than most other HBO fare (Sopranos, Six Feet Under, The Wire, et al) but for a show on HBO, I still expect more out of it. They might call it a comedy, but it’s a rare instance where I laugh at anything on the show.

The real problem for me arises I think because the show lacks any kind of conflict. Whatever conflict does exist is usually resolved within one or two episodes. Take the Aquaman deal for instance. Within three episodes, Vince gets Aquaman, realizes he doesn’t get Aquaman, and then gets it again. BFD.

And the fact does remain, NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO ANYONE. Vince’s loser friends are constantly riding on his coatails which allow them to live like kings, get in wherever they want, have sex with whoever they talk to, and pretty much live by no rules whatsoever. Granted, I don’t live in this celebrity culture and I probably never will. But even so, I find it hard to believe that losers like Drama and Turtle could get it so good just because they are friends with Vince. Everything is always going right for them too. Even Ari’s first fired assistant makes out well from what I can tell. After he fires her she ends up becoming James Cameron’s personal assistant - pretty helpful when Vince is trying to get into a James Cameron movie. Come on, give me a break.

The epitome of everything I’m talking about happened in the episode I watched last night where they all go to Sundance. When they get there, Eric happens to run into some big producer, who almost immediately offers Vince a movie. Meanwhile, Turtle and Drama both start hitting on the same girl who is entirely out of their league and would in real life, want nothing to do with either of them. Then instead of immediately taking the movie that would pay Vince something like three million dollars, they decide to wait on it so James Cameron can watch Queens Boulevard, a movie that we find out is running nearly four hours long (which almost always means DEATH to audiences). Back to Turtle and Drama, the girl who would want nothing to do with them, instead initiates a threesome (which is just flat out weird) for no apparent reason, Vince and Eric presumably have sex with two skanks that throw themselves at them (see, I believe this would happen to movie star Vince, but why Eric?). Queens Boulevard premiers and is an apparent hit, even though James Cameron left after ten minutes. Shortly after, Cameron himself calls Vince and offers him Aquaman, despite the fact that he barely watched Queens Boulevard. The end.

There are two random things that I did like about this episode.  1) There is a guy from my favorite Blind Date episode of all time who is an extra and on screen for about two seconds and that is funny.  2)  That girl whose name I don’t know from the Road Rules where everyone hated her plays one of the skanks.  And that was funny too.
Anyway, this is a pretty standard episode. I’m almost glad I don’t get HBO so I’m unable to watch season 3.

I’ve become completely unimpressed with the whole thing, but especially the plotlines. If you’re making a “hit” show that I could write myself, I am not impressed.

Entourage just isn’t very good.

So sorry for the lack of updates, and it might be this way for a little bit.  I’m just stressing the big move right now and not to sound redundant or anything, but it’s stressful.  I feel like my head is going to explode.  Moving 1500 miles away is not only a giant pain in the ass, but it’s also really expensive.  And when you don’t have the ability to plan things well AND you’re poor, well, that makes for a really stressful combination.

Why haven’t they invented transportation machines yet like in Star Trek or that one Halloween episode of the Simpsons?  Come on science, get the fuck on it!

First posted by Mccoy, if you haven’t watched, this is pretty funny:

Now, I don’t watch Kimmel, but apparently he’s got this running joke where he bumps Matt Damon from his show for time. And then when he finally gets him on, what do you know, he gets bumped for time and Matt Damon goes nuts. The fact that there is even an argument on the internet about whether or not this is “real” is so fucking stupid. Apparently, people on the internet don’t know the concept of a late night talk show. To anyone with an IQ over 60, there’s no question over whether this is “real” or fake. I don’t even think they were trying to pretend like it was real. It’s not like Damon and Kimmel were like “This is totally going to fool everyone!” They were probably like “wow, that’s going to be comedy gold and people will die laughing.” I highly doubt it was anyone’s intention of tricking anyone. If a guest actually went on a tirade like that on television the whole segment would be edited out (I’m assuming Kimmel is taped in the afternoon like every other show) and even if it were live they would probably cut away.

Anyway, this clip has been floating around the internet for a few days, and the jackasses that inhabit the online world sure are up in arms about this. Here’s a small sampling of people who should have their computers taken away from them:

“ IT WAS FAKE FAGGOT IDIOT HOMO LOSERS : 1. jimmy kimmel often tricks the audience into thinking things are real when they’re not ALL THE TIME (see when he had the fake snake bite) 2. Matt Damon and jimmy kimmel are friends with eachother. 3. Matt Damon would not throw a real fit like that on tv, he has to much to lose in his career. it’d be all over the tabloids and entertainment shows and people would be like “omgwtfmattdamon?” 4. jimmy kimmel is hilarious. 5. matt damon is suave.”

“ REAL : This was real. Matt was the butt of a joke and he didnt like it. Its stupid for people to say this was staged. It simply wasnt”

“ first of all if its real how can u blame matt damon : thats the most ridiculous thing to fly down and stuff just to be made fun of. on the other hand, its if fake, he did a great acting job and it was a good move for both parties for publicity. either way, its funny.”

“ Its not a staged joke you fucking morons : Are you guys fucking stupid? That fucking shit was real dumbasses. God stupid people piss me off”

“ idiots : you are all idiots, that was not staged. of course jimmy’s part was staged but matt was actually pissed. He never would have dropped the f-bomb that many times because it doesn’t look good for his time of character, a character that appeals to teenage girls”

“ yea : Jimmy deffinitly deserved that, and yes it was real, and no Matt didnt know, i cant tell u how many times iv seen stuff where they “run out of time” for Matt, he really is a good actor”

I can only imagine what these people would have said had they been around during Andy Kaufman’s lifetime, a comedian who actually did intend to trick people into believing his stunts were real.

Please God, kill all of these people.

Various thoughts on stuff:

Who the hell cares about the death of Anna Nicole Smith’s son (other than her that is)?  Do you care?  I don’t care.  Why is this news?  Like this is some kind of big mystery.  He probably killed himself.  Wouldn’t you kill yourself if Anna Nicole Smith was your mother?  When asked about his death, in her first public comments, Anna Nicole Smith is quoted as saying “Trimspa baaaaby!!!”  And then smiling stupidly.

While I was watching O’Reilly this evening (I try to catch his show a few times a week for a good laugh) he went into this tirade that there are no late night talk show hosts that are conservatives and that they’re all liberals.  He said Leno, Letterman, Jon Stewart, Steven Colbert, Conan, and even Craig Ferguson are all liberals (he didn’t know about Kimmel because much like the rest of the country, he hasn’t seen the show).  O’Reilly demanded to know why there aren’t any conservative late night talk show hosts.  Here’s the following email I sent to him that he probably won’t read:

Bill,

Do you really have to ask why there are no conservative late night talk show hosts?  Probably because historically speaking, late night talk show hosts are comedians.  In order to be a comedian you have to be able to laugh at yourself and you have to have a sense of humor, something that the vast majority of conservatives lack.  With that said, I think some network should give you a late night talk show because I find you, your right wing guests, and your show hilarious.

Fucking O’Reilly.  “Why aren’t there any conservative late night hosts?”  What a jackass.

Have you all heard this story about these parents who kidnapped their daughter?  Here’s the summary:  This 19 year old girl in Maine told her parents she was pregnant.  They responded by bounding her in rope and duct tape, tossing her in the car, and started to drive to New York to force her to have an abortion in a clinic in New York.  They were arrested after they let her out of the car in New Hampshire to use the bathroom where she called the police.  This has to be one of the weirdest stories I’ve heard in a long time (the last one was probably the boyfriend that killed his girlfriends parents and then fled the state with her in an attempt to do what, I’m not really sure).  Like that story, this one leaves me with so many questions.

First of all, there aren’t any abortion clinics closer to Maine than New York?  Maine, New Hampshire, and Vermont don’t have any abortion clinics?  These are blue states up there, right?

Secondly, what the hell did these people think would happen when they showed up at an abortion clinic in New York with their daughter tied up in the back seat?  Were they gonna pick her up and drag her inside kicking and screaming and expect a doctor to perform an operation on her?  Look, I’ve never been inside an abortion clinic, but I have to assume that the second a girl gets carried in with her arms and legs bound in rope and tape, someone there would call the police.

Thirdly, what did these people think would happen when they let their daughter out of the car to use the bathroom?  Did they think she was going to go into a rest stop, use the bathroom, come back out, let them tie her up again, and continue taking her to New York for an abortion that could never happen?

So, if I’ve learned anything from this, it’s that when I want to force my 19 year old daughter to have an abortion, I have to do it the old fashioned way.  A blow to the head to stop her from struggling followed by a coat hanger to her lady parts.  Don’t these parents know anything?  I mean…come on!

I was watching some professional wrestling for a little bit tonight because the football game was excruciatingly boring.  I haven’t watched any wrestling in quite a while.  I used to be a huge fan before it got crazy popular when I was in high school and nothing used to annoy me more than when people were like “You know it’s fake, right?”  You know, it might be “fake,” but I cannot fathom how much punishment these guys take, especially these days.  To me, it’s incredibly amazing how much these guys go through every night without getting seriously injured.  I watch a lot of football and those guys get injured all the time while wearing full pads.  Sure wrestling is “fake” but at least I can respect most of those guys as athletes and it’s remarkable that they don’t die every night with the beatings they take.

And lastly, I also watched some of the premier of Deal or No Deal tonight, again because that football game was so goddamn boring.  I know I wrote a whole post about it before, but this show, is without question, the worst show on television of all time.  There was this fat jackass on tonight, who, I really don’t know what the producers were thinking putting him and his weird ass looking family on television.  This idiot who must have been a New Yorker based on the way he blathered, waddled around the stage for an hour, screaming and yelling and basically being a fucking idiot.  He also had a sweat rag that he kept drying himself off with, every time with me thinking “Why the fuck did they put this jackass on television?”
Every time he picked a case at random, it was always for some stupid ass reason.  “NUMBER 24 BECAUSE THAT’S MY SON’S BIRTHDAY.  14 BECAUSE THAT’S HOW MANY HOT DOGS I CAN EAT IN FOUR MINUTES.”  And so on.

To top off how fucking annoying this guy was, I hope to God that someone reading this also watched because words cannot explain how weird his daughters looked.  They brought out his family shortly after he took the stage and his daughters…wow.  It’s really hard to describe these girls so I’m hoping a YouTube clip emerges so I can post it.  They were twins and they sort of looked like Rachel Dratch (from SNL), only they also looked like they were midgets even though they weren’t midgets because they seemed to have midget like features.  And they also looked like they could have been any age from 12-50 even though it was later revealed that they were 16.  That was really the worst description ever, but like I said, if I’m lucky a YouTube clip will show up sometime.  I really hope someone else saw them besides me.

Anyway, this retard ended up winning over $600,000, which goes to show that if you want to make it anywhere in this country, you have to be a fat, sweaty idiot with a weird looking family from New York.

And those are my various thoughts.

This must be from some time ago as the announcers mention Jeff Hostetler.  I forgot that guy existed.  Keep an eye on #41.

The MTV Video Awards sucked so bad this year, from what I saw.  For me, this was the only good part.  God I love Shakira.

I was watching the news today and saw a story, that if you ask me, should have led off the news and should be the only thing we’re talking about. Forget Al Qaida, forget college shootings in Canada, forget election season. We need to fear ROBOTS.

The news showed a story about this lady in Maryland who just received a BIONIC ARM! I found a video on Youtube of the first guy to receive this, and in fact, he has TWO BIONIC ARMS. Check this shit out:

You can also check out the story about the lady in Maryland here.

I have very mixed feelings about this. I mean, I think it’s great for these people that they now have BIONIC ARMS, and soon, if the scientists working on this can figure it out, they’re going to make it so not only can these people move their BIONIC ARMS with only their MINDS, but they might also be able to have FEELINGS in their BIONIC ARMS.

Again, pretty sweet for these people and other amputees.

But this worries me greatly.

From BIONIC ARMS in humans, aren’t we just that much closer to BIONIC LEGS, BIONIC FEET, BIONIC HEADS, and BIONIC GENTITALIA? How can human beings compete with BIONIC COCKS?

But it’s not just the BIONIC BODY PARTS that worry me. You see, whoever is creating this stuff is just a short jump, hop and skip from creating Cyberdine, who if you don’t know, unknowingly created a near unstoppable army of futuristic cyborgs, bent on taking over the Earth!

Don’t you see? Though it’s great for these people with their new BIONIC ARMS, the people creating these things must be stopped at all costs! We cannot allow cyborgs to become a reality! At least not until we have developed time travel so we can go back in time and kill the people responsible for creating this technology! And even then, the cyborgs will probably also have developed time travel, and they too will go back in time, hellbent on stopping us from stopping them! And even if we succeed the first time by protecting the mother of the unborn child who will become the leader in the resistance against the cyborg army, they will just try again when he’s about 14 years old! And even if we send our own cyborg to protect him for a second time, they will try again a third time, with a new and improved cyborg to try to kill him when he’s about 20ish. Don’t you see? If we don’t kill the scientists now, THE CYBORGS WIN.
Also, this completely disregards one other key fact. If we don’t create time travel at the same time as we create these superhumans and in turn super-cyborgs, civilization as we know it will be destroyed! This is why the time is NOW. We can’t ensure that there’s a John Connor waiting to be born who is going to lead the revolution against a genocidal cyborg army. We already know that the cyborgs are able to create more sophisticated cyborgs at a faster rate than humans! Have the lessons of The Terminator, Terminator 2, and Terminator 3 been completely lost on us?!

James Cameron wasn’t just saying “Hey, this is a cool story about a war with robots,” he was WARNING US of a serious CYBORG EMERGENCY that only we humans can stop now. Is it a coincidence that there have been not one, not two, but THREE Terminator movies? No! We human beings have not taken James Cameron’s message to heart, and look at the path we’re headed in!

Cyborgs, without time travel, will ultimately lead to our destruction. Forget Al Qaida. Forget Saddam Hussein. Forget about Iran. They pale in comparison to which the relentless cyborg army will try to annihilate the human race.

Heed this warning, America!

One dead, 19 wounded.  Only one thought comes to mind: Take that, Michael Moore!

Bloodsport is probably one of my all time favorite great bad movies.  And now someone made this.  Brilliant.

In planning my move to Austin, I used Craigslist as a source to find places to live.  I’ve used CL in the past for the same purpose when trying to find somewhere to live around here as well.  In the past I also used CL to find jobs (it’s actually where I found my last “real” job) and that’s pretty much been the extent of my usage.

I have a few friends who have bought and sold some stuff on CL and that’s cool too.  But yesterday for the first time, I found out how fucking creepy Craigslist is.

Out of curiousity, I started checking out the personals on Craigslist.  All of them.  Women seeking men.  Men seeking Women.  Men seeking animal.  Etc.  What I found shocked and amazed me.

First of all, the sheer amount of posts is astounding.  I had not realized that CL was such a giant marketplace for people trying to get some ass.  And secondly, and most importantly, the actual posts themselves range from funny to weird to completely obscene to downright scary.  Here’s a small sampling of what can be found:

Possibly my favorite category (and the one that seriously frightens me the most) is Casual Encounters, which is really just a euphemism for Weird People Who Are Trying to Get Laid.  I made the mistake of clicking on one of the posts with a picture and was greeted by a giant dick.  Fun.  The VAST majority of these are gay dudes who are using CL to cruise the internet instead of highway rest stops, but there are some of every kind.  And just the subject lines themselves are enough to make a hooker blush:

Looking for an afterwork suck and fuck session - m4m - 45 (Sounds like fun!)
Any clean shaven young white guys giving blowjobs this morning - 38 (I almost replied to that one.  Jesus Christ, I’m just JOKING)

Any Woman wants to be licked by a fat man - m4w - 40  (I am guessing NO)

WE WANNA EAT YOUR PUSSY - mw4w - 30 (I like this one because it’s very straightforward.  And in big capital letters.  So you know they’re serious.)

Trade 420 for HJ - m4w - 27 (There are also a lot of posts like this where they mention 420 or “ski.”  I didn’t even know what ski was slang for so I had to look it up.  I found conflicting results but it’s slang for either coke or meth, maybe someone can let me know for sure.  But anyway, why people post that they’ll trade drugs for sex…this is the true greatness of the internet, isn’t it?)

nice guy seeking cool lady to suck her toes…no sex - m4w - 35 (Um…)

Anyway, I think that gives you a good idea of what Casual Encounters entails.  Here’s the thing about it, I just got those headlines from today.  It’s noon right now and there are over 300 of them.  I can only PRAY that many of these are made up or that it’s just like, three people posting over and over again.  I won’t even go into details of the context of most of these postings (you can pretty much guess for yourself) but if you’re bored at work and looking for a laugh (or to just creep yourself out) check this shit out.
Then you’ve got your Missed Connections which is really another euphemism, this time for Stalkers and Other Sexual Predators.  Most of these have something to do with seeing someone on the street and not approaching them.  I’m guessing in most of these cases it’s a good thing that this person didn’t approach their subject, probably because when they’re off their meds, who knows what might happen.  The fact is, I can only see Missed Connections as a therepeutic way for these lunatics to release some of their energy, because really, how many times has someone replied to a Missed Connections post?  Here’s what they look like -

Dupont Metro, Tuesday Evening - m4w - 26

6:15. We were waiting for the train towards Glenmont. We exchanged a brief           glance when I looked up from reading the newspaper. You: brown hair, pretty         smile, wearing a brown shirt and jean skirt. Me: dark brown hair, in a white shirt,     tie and khaki pants. I wanted to talk to you, but the train came and you didn’t get     on.

Want to get a drink?

Okay psycho, first of all, this girl isn’t crusing around Missed Connections looking for you.  Second of all, she probably exchanged that “glance” with you because she was probably thinking “Why does that ugly guy keep staring at me?  I wish he would go away.”  Dude, the train came and she didn’t get on because she was busy contemplating whether to call the police or not.  She’s not responding to your ad.  And stop hiding in her bushes.
I like this one because it’s much more honest:

Beautiful blue eyed girl on the Red Line to Shady Grove/Gosvenor - m4w - 28

You had such lovely blue eyes and blonde hair. You were wearing a red top. I was     the guy with dark hair standing by the door. I think you noticed me staring at you.     I’m really really sorry if I freaked you out but you were so striking I couldn’t help     myself.

If by some chance you see this, I would love to invite you for drinks or for dinner.

First of all, no, she’s not going to see this.  Second of all,  yes you did indeed freak her out.  That’s what happens when you stare at girls you don’t know.  I don’t know a lot about women, but I do know they don’t like being stared at by strangers, especially if you’re short, fat, and balding (as I imagine most of these people are).  I’ve noticed that 80% of Missed Connections are men writing to women who didn’t pay them the time of day in real life.  These women are not cruising around on Craiglist thinking “I hope that hot guy from the metro wrote to me on here!  If only he had talked to me in real life I would have fucked his brains out!”  More than  likely she was thinking “Why can’t I ever ride the metro without some creepy nutjob starting at me the whole time?  What is wrong with these people?”

Thankfully, there are more sick people out there posting in Casual Encounters than Missed Connections.  About ten times as many.

I’m not going to bother with all the rest (m4m, m4w, w4m, w4w) because they’re pretty boring.  Most of them are the same thing phrased differently over and over and over.

I had no idea that Craigslist was completely creepy.

This is SUCH old news by now, and I’m well aware of that, but  CNN ran something about it again the other day and I finally saw it for the first time.  If you haven’t seen it or don’t know the story, here you go:

First of all, that dude doesn’t even have close to a mohawk.  Second of all, the explanation that he confused the word “mohawk” with “macaca” is simply, ridiculous.  And third of all, if anything this is more proof as to why George Allen should represent the state of Virginia (and probably most of the south).

For the past two or three months, I’ve had to sit through this commercial among others at pretty much every break in every program, no matter what time of day:

Well, in the primaries yesterday, Rales got 5% of the vote.  5%.  A lot of good all his stupid ass commercials did.

Other than his annoying commercials, I think his real problem was his slogan:  “I believe change starts with ideas.”  No dumbass, change starts with action.  At least I don’t have to hear from this guy ever again.

From Kyle’s blog:

Ok, so rewind, “Girlfriend” has just moved into a new apartment in VA (Virginia sucks ass) and needed some more stuff for the apartment. Mind you we had already gone to Target and Bed Bath and Beyond (to be referenced as BBB from now on) the day after she moved, but last week she seemed to need some more stuff from BBB. In her typical indecisive fashion she only bought 1 of the things she went for, even though everything she was looking for was in the store, but I digress…the point of this story is in the checkout line. We got rung up at the customer service counter, because for some reason at BBB you need 3 people to work customer service, but only one on the actual registers. While waiting for the cashier to enter in some coupon, I glanced over to the other Customer Service People to see what they were doing. As one of them bent down to pick something up, her shirt lifted up, exposing her lower back…and there it was. A tattoo.

Now I know plenty has been written and said about the significance of a lower back tattoo on a female i.e. target practice, and/or questionable sexual history. But this one had a more concrete and unmistakable meaning. Her tattoo read “G.H.E.T.T.O.” spelled out just like that in some type of gothic font. I don’t think I’ve seen a more questionable tattoo that was just one word. It was like a stroke of brilliance on her part. I’m sure she asked herself “What tattoo can I get that explains me in one word? And what location should I put it in for maximum impact” and thus the word “ghetto” on her back was born.

“Girlfriend” noticed the tattoo as well and as we are walking out of the store we both pretty much had the same reaction “Well I think that summed up everything we need to know about that person without having spoken to her once”. I questioned whether or not I should mention that she was Black/African American/whatever…I figure most of you would make that assumption anyway. Maybe I’m being to judgmental but at this point I don’t care, whatever person decides that’s something that needs to be on her body in that place, probably has little to nothing in common with me other than skin color. Whatever.

For the record, I don’t want Kyle to think that stupid ass white people don’t also get really fucking stupid tatoos. I was watching ESPN’s broadcast of the World Series of Poker and they did a little segment on poker tattoos. Like thousands of guys with the ace of spades on his inner wrist. How fucking original. For the record, I’m glad ESPN ran this little segment because this has been a pet peeve of mine since I started playing poker seven years ago. One of the pros in the segment said something to the effect of “If you have a poker tattoo, you most likely suck at poker. You don’t see anyone on the wall of WSOP winners who has a tattoo, let alone a poker tattoo.”

For the record, the stupidest tattoo I’ve seen in person was also on a white person. It was a guy I saw in Laurel who was wearing supsenders (no shirt) and had a tattoo on his chest that was the Chevrolet symbol (that cross looking thing) and the inside was painted with the Confederate flag. I guess this way he was able to say both “I’m a racist” and “I’m a redneck,” which is a little bit redundant anyway.
So Kyle, white people have awful tattoos too.

Okay, so this is apparently turning into an NFL blog.  Sue me.

I had the fortune of watching a lot of the Green Bay game on Sunday, and let me just say, they suck.  I’m not going to use this space to discuss the game, and I had no intentions of talking about football today until last night as I was watching my team lose to the Vikings I saw this funny nugget of information scroll across the screen:  Green Bay Packers sign Koren Robinson.

Oh great, Koren Robinson is back!

Koren Robinson is like the Vin Baker of the NFL.  They were both at one time better than average players, they’re both alcoholics, they both can’t get their act together, and they both are constantly given another opportunity by some stupid team.

How many times does Koren Robinson have to show up drunk somewhere (whether it be to practice, to court, or just driving around aimlesssly) before every single NFL team says “You know what, let’s just not have anything to do with this guy.”  Is there any reason to think that Koren Robinson is going to make an impact on your team at any point this season?

If there’s one thing Brett Favre doesn’t need this season, it’s going to be Koren Robinson in the locker room saying “Come on Brett, let’s go get ourselves a beer or 12.”  Favre is already in for a long season, does he really need Koren Robinson wandering around drunk all the time?  Favre needs to be sober as a judge if he doesn’t want to end up dead this year because his team stinks and his offensive line is atrocious.  And now you go and add Koren Robinson to the mix.

Hey, NFL teams, stop signing this guy, okay?  When the Packers inevitably cut Robinson this year (next week, mid-season, whenever his next DUI is, whatever) just let the guy go.  He’s made enough money that he can probably spend the rest of his life doing what he wants to do: drunk in a car somewhere.  And I promise, we have not seen the last of Koren Robinson’s alcohol problems.  Don’t the Packers know this?  And by the way, if there’s anywhere in the country that’s going to be a bad place for Koren Robinson, doesn’t Green Bay have to be near the top of the list?  From my impression, the only thing people do there is get drunk and pretend like Brett Favre is still some kind of god.  I guess Koren will fit in perfectly.

Jesus Christ.