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Well, looks like Wilt Chamberlin syndrome has finally caught up to my computer.

Yes, my computer is officially dead.  I purchased a new one from Dell today which will probably arrive sometime next week.

So for those of you at home keeping score, that’s one busted knee, and one busted computer, making the score Life 2, Jordan 0.

So just an FYI that I won’t be updating for the next few days (I’m on my roommates laptop now) but I’ll be back once I have a working computer.  Hang in there.

This is what it looks like:

So as I’ve used this space to mention, I have dislocated my knee again.

This wouldn’t be a HUGE problem had I not let my health insurance lapse when I moved here because I intended on switching it over to something more convenient to my new living situation and something cheaper (everything is cheaper in Texas).

So my dumb ass doesn’t currently have insurance.

On the bright side, I made an appointment with MAP today (medical assistance program) here in Austin.  MAP is apparently for low income people with no insurance (me).  I’m pretty much picturing an office in a back alley somewhere, where homeless people with fingerless gloves are warming their hands over a trashcan with a fire in it.  And yes I realize it’s still in the 80’s here, but that’s still what I am imagining.

What it comes down to is that I am a retard and I hate myself immensely.

Sorry if updates have been slow coming recently and if they’re all about the same thing.  This might not change for a while.

Goddamn I am the most stupidest person ever.

Don’t dislocate your knee.

It’s no secret that I watch a lot of late night television.  I mean after all, I’m the guy who used to stay up til 4 in the morning just to watch infomercials (I still say the midgets selling real estate is the best one ever).

Back in the day, every other commercial that airs at 2 in the morning is for some phone sex line.  Those are always good.  But here’s the new thing I’ve noticed - now there are a ton of commercials for what I can only describe as text sex lines.

They’re all, “the sexiest texting around!”  What in the fuck does that even mean?  Listen, I can maybe understand if you’re REALLY, REALLY hard up to call up some phone sex line.  I clearly would never do it since I can’t leave the house without a dozen women throwing themselves at me, but the idea of it is at least in my realm of comprehension.

But who the fuck is sending sex texts back and forth to someone?  I mean…Jesus Christ, are you kidding me?  At least if you’re paying to have phone sex you can like, still have your hands free to jerk off or whatever, and you’ve got an actual voice talking to you.  But I mean, really…text sex?  Can’t these people just find some chat room online and do this?  Isn’t that what underage kids are for?  Do you really need to pay for this?  Is it hard to jerk off while you’re texting?  How can anyone get off doing this?  What the fuck is this world coming to?  I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

For those of you who were readers of my old website, this will sound like a bit of a familiar story.

So, for the second time in my life, I have dislocated my knee.  That’s right.  The first time I dislocated my knee I did it in an intramural basketball game.  I had just thrown down this vicious 360 dunk and just landed wrong (or maybe I just jumped and landed on someone’s foot, one or the other).  This time…Jesus Christ.

So last night I was walking from 6th street to 7th street and…that’s right.  I took a bad step, felt my knee pop out, and proceeded to collapse to the ground.  Yes.  I am possibly the only person to ever dislocate their knee WALKING.  WALKING.  If I’m not the King of Retards, I don’t know who is.

Anyway, long story short, I’m once again immobilized and on pain medication.  Hopefully this will heal quickly.  All sympathy is welcome.

On the bright side, I won’t be able to make it out to watch the Skins get slaughtered by the Colts on Sunday.

So apparently Wednesday night is the only night of television worth watching.  Last night:

Lost:  Lost is really starting to grate on me.  Season one was possibly the greatest season of any show I’ve ever seen (yes yes, I still have not seen the Wire).  Season two started to lose a little.  And now season three…I mean…I really don’t know how much longer they can drag this on.  At some point, they better start answering ALL the questions they asked in season one.  For every question they answer, they just create a new one.  Come on already Lost.  Get with it.

Project Runway:  Apparently me and 40% of Runway viewers were rooting for Michael.  And although he didn’t win (and based on all the collections, deservingly so) I was super crazy happy that Laura didn’t win either.  As usual, I thought half the stuff in her collection was beyond hideous.  I think Uli easily could have won, she had a lot of cool looking stuff.  Anyway, I’m glad Jeffrey won, I was rooting for him and Michael since the second episode even though he’s a total douchebag.  Did anyone else find it odd that he and his girlfriend have the same haircut?  And it looks horrible on both of them?  I mean, really.  Do you guys own a mirror?

Top Chef:  As much as I like shows about women’s fashion, I love shows about food.  God do I love food.  Top Chef made a great decision by replacing last season’s host (that robotic lady with zero personality) and installing some modelesque looking host, who so far is also a robot.  But at least she looks better.  I am not rooting for anyone just yet but I think I like that guy Frank and I don’t like Marcel.

South Park:  I think South Park has to be the only show on television that actually gets better every season.  I stopped watching the Simpsons regularly around season ten because it started slipping and became a bit stale.  But in it’s 10th season, South Park is still the funniest show on television.

And that’s Wednesday night tv.

I don’t think I’ve yet mentioned anything about the local grocery chain around here.

The local chain around here, the Giant if you will (if you live in Maryland), is called the H.E.B. or “HEEB” as I like to call it.  I find this funny because the word “heb” is a racial slur for jews.  So either everyone in Austin doesn’t realize that, or everyone in Austin is blatantly racist against jews.  One or the other.  Or maybe it’s just someone’s initials.  I really don’t know but I find it amusing in any case.

Alright, I realize a lot of posts lately have been of football related issues, so I’m going to do my best to write a post for the ladies out there (all three of them).

So, as you may or may not know, I have no problem admitting that I watch Project Runway.

First, it’s a good show.

Second, Heidi Klum is fun to look at, pregnant or not.  Her mole baby however…
Third, I really like women’s fashion.  I mean, I’m not like, INTO it or anything, but I’ve been saying for years that if I was gay and had any artistic abilities whatsoever, I would be a fashion designer.  Unfortunately, I possess neither quality.  I think I have really good taste in clothing and I know what looks good and what looks like garbage (for garbage - see anything Angela designed this season).

Fourth, it’s just a really good show.

Anyway, the finale is tonight and I am super psyched.  I have been rooting for Michael and Jeffrey since the beginning of the season for two different reasons.  Michael because he makes good clothes and seems like a cool guy, and Jeffrey because his style is completely different from everyone else and because he’s a complete asshole.

I’ve hated Laura from the beginning.  Everything she designs looks like something that someone’s grandmother should be wearing.  That hideous thing she made a few weeks back when they were in Paris was about the ugliest dress I have ever seen.  Not only should she have been kicked off on that show, but they should have cut her hands off as well so she couldn’t design anymore.

And I’m neutral about Uli.  I like the clothes she makes, but everything she makes looks the same.  I’m very interested to see what her entire line looks like tonight.

Anyway, that should make up for some of the football posts.  Definitely looking forward to the big finale tonight.  Oh, and if Jeffrey gets kicked off I’m going to be pissed.

Dear Congress,

Let me first begin by saying something that I think is on many people’s minds:  You Suck.

But more specifically, I’m talking to you Bill Frist and Robert Goodlatte.

I hold you two jackasses almost entirely responsible for banning internet gambling -  Goodlatte for drawing up the legislation, and Frist for attaching it to a bill he knew would be passed.

“Hey, what’s that?  A port security bill is going through congress?  Let’s attach a completely unrelated anti-gambling bill to it so it has to go through!”

This is how Congress works?

What an abomination of a democracy we live in.  This is disgusting.

Goodlatte, you say that gambling has “ill-effects on society.”  Well no shit.  So does the consumption of alcohol, OTC drugs, prescription drugs, television, movies, radio, and any other infinite number of things.

That’s why it’s up to us, as citizens and human beings, to decide what is and what isn’t right for us.  It’s not your job to tell me what I can watch on television or if I can play poker on the internet or not.
If gambling has such “ill-effects” on society, why can you still bet on horse-racing online?

It is not the governments job to tell its citizens how they can live their lives.

What a joke.  Fuck you all.

Went out tonight.  I left my house with about 10 minutes to go in the football game with the Cards having the ball and a seemingly insurmountable lead.  Get downtown to a bar where the game is just ending and the Bears have won.  I’m like, what the fuck?

Apparently the Cards really, really, really suck.  Jesus.

What’s that?  You don’t care?  Well fine.  I’m just saying.

Also, I’m really going to get in trouble in this city with $2 beers and $2.50 shots on Monday nights.  Austin.  Get some.

I’ll keep it short.

I don’t want to discuss the Skins, as I have just about given up on the season.

But right now I’m sitting at home watching the Raiders/Broncos game, and…wow, just wow.

I think I really feel sorry for the Raiders and their fans.  The Raiders are really, really, really, bad.  They might be the worst football team I have ever seen.  I realize these guys are all professionals and they are making millions upon millions of dollars, but I really am starting to feel bad for them.  They are truly horrible.

And that is all.

This will be short, but it’s something I’ve been meaning to mention for a while now.

Nothing bothers me more than people who can’t differentiate between various contractions and just flat out can’t spell. This is especially true for college graduates. And it’s even more true for people posting job listings. Here’s one of my absolute favorites, sadly found often on Craigslist:

“Gorilla Marketing”

What exactly is “Gorilla marketing?” Is it anything like, say, guerrilla marketing? Does gorilla marketing involve hiring giant apes to run through the streets while simultaneously giving away free samples of toothpaste and throwing feces at potential customers? I’m just curious.

So coming in late last night, I turned on our brand spankin’ new satellite TV (Dish Network) and started scrolling around to see what was on at 130 in the morning.

And lo and behold, what did I find?  Why if it wasn’t one of my favorite shows of all time that I haven’t seen since 2002 - CHEATERS!!!!  Fuck yes!!!

Cheaters airs I think every day on this Dish Network channel called the ‘G Spot.’  No, I am not making that up.  From what I can tell, the G Spot only shows episodes of Star Trek, Cheaters, and Arrested Development.  Hey, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

Anyway, I used to LOVE watching Cheaters back in college.  From what I remember, it only came on once a week (really late Friday night?) and back then it was hosted by Tommy Grand, the best reality host ever.

For those of you not familiar with the excellent show that is Cheaters, here’s a real quick rundown:

Some person thinks their boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife is cheating on them.  They’re pretty much always right.  Said person hires the “Cheaters Detectives” to follow around their significant other with video cameras.  The “detectives” are also usually allowed to set up hidden cameras in shared spaces (homes, apartments, etc) which is usually where the best footage is found.  For the next five or so minutes we are shown the video footage, which is usually the cheater meeting up with some person, driving around, and then going inside somewhere.  When we’re lucky, we actually get the blurred out goings-on that happen inside.  And usually it’s super awesome.

Then of course, we get the confrontation.   This is where I miss Tommy Grand the most.  This other guy, Something Greco hosts the show now.  And Tommy Grand he is NOT.  Back in the day, Tommy Grand would show the person who hired Cheaters the video footage, the cheatee would get really angry, and Tommy Grand would be like “We know where is is right now, and he is with the other woman.”  Then they get in an SUV and drive to wherever the cheater and his/her other person are leaving somewhere and we have CONFRONTATION.  Confrontation is usually AWESOME.

But here’s where I really miss Tommy Grand.  The guy was basically a robot that showed no emotion.  The cheatee would always confront the cheater, the cheater would always be like “What the fuck is going on here?  What are all these cameras?”  And that’s where Tommy Grand would jump in with some cool line like “Do you feel like what you’re doing is wrong?”  Which normally would be greeted by a response like “Who the fuck are you?” To which he would say “I’m Tommy Grand, from the TV show Cheaters,” and it was always completely monotone and I can’t even begin to explain the awesomeness of it all.

Anyway, here are two reasons why the confrontation usually kicks serious ass (and I only know about these because they showed them on VH1 on some clip show since like I said, I haven’t seen Cheaters in about four years).

1)  One time, the caught cheater got super pissed off and was ranting and raving in a mall parking lot.  A rent-a-cop came and TASERED HIM.  Fucking awesome.

2)  One time, the new host, got STABBED by the caught cheater during the confrontation.  STABBED.  Fucking awesome.

Anyway, I am super happy that I get Cheaters again, Tommy Grand or no Tommy Grand.  Goddamn do I love Cheaters.

Oh and hey, look what I just found?  Youtube kicks ass.  Seriously, you just have to watch this.

Keeping with my food theme for the day (this might happen a lot), the utter supply of kick ass fast food is seriously amazing.

My first discovery of this occurred on our very first night here.  It’s the place called Taco Cabana, and dear god it’s fucking awesome.

Taco Cabana is sort of like Taco Bell if Taco Bell was owned by Jesus Christ.  Not only do they have a wide selection of food, but they also have a seriously kick ass salsa bar.  And it’s cheap!  And they have breakfast burritos!  And they serve queso with almost everything!

They even make their own tortillas.  And that’s so kick ass.

If you don’t want to come to Austin to visit me, come to visit Taco Cabana.  You won’t regret it.

So you all know I’ve moved to Austin and it’s left me with a very important decision.

You see, I’ve decided that once you put enough time, money and energy into something, you don’t just give up on it.  When things change and there’s more going on, you don’t just say “Hey, you know what?  I’m a big quitter.”

With that been said, I just want everyone to know that now that I am in Texas, I am NOT giving up on Chipotle.

You see, there are about a BILLION fast food places around here, and most of them are quite delicious.  I mean there’s stuff I’d never heard of before like Taco Cabana and Church’s Chicken, and stuff I’ve always heard about but never gotten the chance to try like Whattaburger and Sonic.

And naturally, I’m in Texas, the closest you can get to authentic Mexican food without actually going to Mexico.  There’s a burrito place I’m supposed to go to tonight called Freebirds, and from what I’m told, it blows Chipotle away.  And I bet it does.

But here’s the thing.  I’ve spent untold thousands of dollars on Chipotle in the last six years.  No really, I think I might have posted this a while back but I really have spent an estimated several thousand dollars at Chipotle and eaten at least a thousand burritos.  So even though there’s all kinds of crazy delicious food around here, Mexican and otherwise, I can’t just go and give up on Chipotle.  I love Chipotle.  I’ll always love Chipotle.

I just might have to cut down on it a little.

Alright, so if anyone is still out there, I am back.

For real this time.

We are no longer “borrowing” internet from our neighbors but actually have our own connection now.  Which is good.

I’ll be back to updating regularly now, and my things have changed.  I know nobody really cares but I can tell you all a little bit about Austin and the trip and everything.  And eventually I’m going to have to make all new lists of the best fast food around because I’ve recently discovered such places as Sonic, Taco Cabana, and Church’s chicken.  It’s really no wonder that everyone in Texas is a fatass.

Alright well, hope people are still reading, will be back with real updates shortly.

Anyone still here?  No?  Well whatever.

I’m officially in Austin.  My internet is spotty right now but I will begin updating regularly again shortly.  So yes, go on and breathe that sigh of relief.