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What the fuck is up with these T-Mobile commercials with D-Wayde and Charles Barkley?  In every one, Charles is making Wade do some shit to get in his “five.”

Dude, you’re fucking Dwyane Wade.  Why the fuck do you care if you’re in Charles Barkley’s Five or not?

In fact, are professional basketball players (and former ones who gamble away millions of dollars a year) really all that concerned about cell phone charges in the first place?

These fuckers make millions of dollars a year, and yet they’re concerned about getting free minutes when they talk to each other?

And why does Wade care so fucking much?  It’s not like Charles Barkley is all that important anymore.  I mean he’s funny and everything, but he’s just Charles Barkley.  If anything, Charles Barkley should be a lot more concerned about being in Wade’s Five.  But again, when you’re making millions of dollars a year, is free minutes on your phone really that important to you?

Here’s the commercial I want to see:

Charles: Man, D-Wade, this really is the life, huh?

Wade:  What?

Charles:  I said, this really is the life, huh?  A couple of hot blonde chicks sucking our dicks?

Wade:  Oh, yeah.

Charles:  Hey, maybe I should put this ho in my five.

Wade:  Wait, I thought I was in your five?

Charles:  Nah man.  Hey, come to think of it, why the fuck do we care about this again?

Wade:  What?

Charles:  I said why the fuck do we care about this again?

Wade:  I don’t know.  I make 9 million dollars a year.  Come to think of it, I really don’t care at all.
Charles:  Yeah, me neither.  I wonder if I can get that Catherine Zeta-Jones bitch’s number.

So, I was watching the Wizards/Cavs game today on TNT, which sucked by the way, but TNT has this thing that they’ve been breaking out for the last couple of years during the playoffs.

I guess, ABC, TNT, and ESPN all start feeling like more casual fans start watching during the playoffs, so they know less about the teams and individual players.  I actually wrote about this probably last year at this time because some announcers take it to the next level wherein they being to explain very basic rules of the game.

Anyway, TNT has this thing they do which is completely ridiculous.  At random times during the game when a player is shooting free throws, they run this “stat” under his name that says “Team Role,” followed by whatever his “team role” is.

For instance, today during the Cavs/Wiz game, I noticed two.  They were:

Lebron James: Miracle Worker

Anderson Varejao:  Team Energizer Bunny.

If you can’t tell by those two alone just how stupid this is, well then I feels sorry for you.  Actually, I believe last year, Lebron’s role was, and I’m not making this up, “Savior.”  Savior.  Like he’s the fucking messiah or some shit.  And Team Energizer Bunny?  Really?  I mean really?
So anyway, just for the hell of it, and in yet another attempt to alienate any of my female readers, here’s a list of some real Team Roles for various players in the NBA playoffs:

New Jersey Nets:

Clifford Robinson: AARP Member.

Vince Carter:  Team Backstabbing Douchebag.

Marcus Williams:  Computer Thief.

Toronto Raptors:

Andrea Bargnani: Team Italian.

Juan Dixon:  Most Awesome Guy Ever.

Luke Jackson:  Team “That Guy Is Still in the NBA?”

Miami Heat:

Shaquille O’Neal:  Team Genie.

Jason Kapono:  3 Point Shooting White Guy.

Michael Doleac: Tall White Guy.

Jason Williams:  Black White Guy.

Chicago Bulls:

Ben Wallace: Stylist.

Viktor Khryapa: Guy With Too Many Consonants in his Name.

Chris Duhon: Mediocre Duke Player.

Utah Jazz:

Gordan Giricek: Most Non-Athletic Looking Dude.

Andrei Kirilenko:  Rocky Marciano Opponent.

Houston Rockets:

Shane Battier:  Most Confusing Head.

Luther Head:  Funniest Last Name.

Yao Ming: Tall Chinese Guy.

Washington Wizards:

Calvin Booth: Scarecrow.

Michael Ruffin: Scarecrow #2.

Andre Blache: Bullseye.

Etan Thomas:  Team Predator.

Cleveland Cavaliers:

Ira Newble: Team Dude With a Jewish Name.

LA Lakers: 

Kobe Bryant:  Team Rapist.

Kwame Brown: Cake Thrower.  Popeye’s Eater.  Pussycat.  Child.  Bust.  Choose one.

Phoenix Suns

You know what?  I’ve got nothing to say about these guys.  But did you realize that Eric Piatkowski is on the Suns?  Really?  When did this happen?

Denver Nuggets:

Carmelo Anthony:  Coward.

Allen Iverson:  Practice Organizer.

San Antonio Spurs:

Manu Ginobili: Rogaine Representative.

Tony Parker:  Luckiest Man Alive.

Golden State Warriors:

Stephen Jackson:  Bad Ass.

Dallas Mavericks:

Erick Dampier:  Best NBA2K Player Ever.

Several years ago, being the dick that I am, I would probably have sat here and wrote some jokes about the Virginia Tech shooting from Monday.  In fact, several years ago, I did just that.  A couple of times in fact.  But, I feel like putting down some actual thoughts here.

I’m not really sure where to begin so I’ll just type and see where it goes.
I remember exactly where I was when Columbine happened.  I was a senior in high school, about one month away from graduating.  I had a pretty bad case of senioritis so I actually took the day off.  Around…I guess noon (I honestly don’t remember the exact time it started), my regularly scheduled daytime television got broken into as the events of Columbine unfolded.

Still being in high school at the time, the rest of that day was pretty surreal to me, much like the way I felt on September 11.  I spent the rest of April 20 sitting around watching the television as news reports shuffled in and out, oftentimes with bad or completely wrong information.

And then, as things go these days, the aftermath quickly became one of the uglier things I can remember.  Immediately, people questioned (and rightly so) “Why did this happen?”  When a tragedy like this occurs, it’s a natural feeling to have.  Why did this happen?

Unfortunately, in this country, most people want to give it some quick (and almost always) and retarded answer.  In the case of Columbine, many television pundits, talk show hosts, and politicians decided to blame the music they listened to (namely Marilyn Manson), and the violent video games they played.

Of course, this was all taken to task by Michael Moore in the documentary “Bowling For Columbine,” so I’m not going to use this space to go too far into those ridiculously retarded beliefs.

So now that this has happened once again in America, people are left questioning, why?

Because I’m interested to see where this story is going to go, I’ve dedicated most of my day since I got home from work to watching cable news.

Here’s the way things work in this country when there’s a tragedy:

On day one, the tragedy occurs and most people are too reserved to give their opinions.

On day two, the entire nation goes into mourning.

By day three, everyone is looking for someone to blame.

And usually by day four, enough time has passed that people can start dishing out their (often-times) retarded opinions as to why this happened as well as other issues that this involves - see gun control, popular music and movies, and video games.

But it’s already started to happen.

I was watching Chris Matthews earlier, who I never watch by the way, and he had an interview with one of Cho’s suite-mates at Virginia Tech.

After some pretty inane back and forth questions in which Matthews established what we already know (Cho had no friends, didn’t talk to anyone, was super quiet, etc), Matthews asked something along the lines of “Do you know the game Counterstrike?”

Apparently, someone gave Matthews the information that Cho was an avid Counterstrike player.  For those of you who don’t know, which I’m guessing is maybe the few females who read this, Counterstrike is a first person shooter computer game that is pretty popular among dorky computer people.

In any case, the suitemate responded by saying he knew the game but had never seen Cho every play any computer games.

Whoops.

Matthews went on to ask the suitemate what Cho did for fun.  The suitemate said he didn’t really know since Cho never talked, but he saw him watching television sometimes.  Matthews probed further, wanting to know what Cho watched regularly on television and obviously hoping for some kind of violent programming.  I guess he half got what he wanted when the suitemate said “professional wrestling.”

Sorry Chris Matthews, you just struck out.  Of course, this isn’t to say that in the coming days we won’t see the media horde blaming pro wrestling, but I don’t picture that happening.

No, apparently, placing the blame here is going to be very interesting.  There doesn’t seem to be any video games or Marilyn Manson to blame this time.

It’s interesting because the last time (and every time) this happens, politicians and pundits are so quick to blame the mass media or whatever like it’s some kind of explanation as to why things like this happen.

Well guess what?  It’s not.  These people who decide to take out as many of their classmates as possible, they don’t spend their entire lives playing video games or listening to violent music or watching violent movies and decide that they want to act this shit out in real life.  Those are not the forces at work here.

The fact is, these people are deeply psychologically disturbed.  The media and politicians in this country seem to have a problem accepting the fact that some people are just flat-out disturbed and it’s not caused by things they watch or music they listen to or games they play.
So who do you blame when there’s no easy target?  I guess that’s what I’m interested to find out.

Moving on.

As usual, the main issue that has already started to spring up is gun control, which you can be sure will be the main topic of discussion in the coming days.  There’s all this talk about how Cho was court-ordered to seek counseling, so why was he able to get a weapon?  And so on and so on.  This will go on for as long as we’re talking about this story and nothing will end up changing.

The other issue that I’m anxious to see whether or not it will be brought up, is about immigration.  I say this because I have not read a single article in any publication that did not make mention to the fact that Cho and his family are immigrants from Korea.  Honestly, it would take one hell of an asshole to turn this into an immigration issue, but that’s why I’m going to be sure to watch O’reilly every night this week.

I’m actually almost willing to bet money that Anne Coulter will have something along those lines to say because she’ll do anything for attention.  I guess we’ll see.  I’m just happy that this was carried out by an Asian kid and not a Muslim.
Aside from that, it’s more of the same.  All of the cable news shows keep referring to Cho as being “solitary,” “quiet,” and “a loner.”  You know what?  I’m going to be really fucking surprised when some kid shoots up a classroom full of kids and later on the people who knew him best describe him as “happy,” “friendly,” and “the funniest guy I know.”  I mean, can’t we just skip all this bullshit already?

The only people who carry out acts like this are all solitary, and quiet, and loners.  Can’t we just skip this part?  Fuck.

And the last thing I’m going to mention is the one part that has really had me yelling at my television today.  As you’re well aware by now, after killing his first two victims but before shooting up the engineering building, Cho stopped off at the post office and mailed a package full of video clips and pictures to NBC.

And isn’t NBC proud of themselves?  NBC, as well as the other outlets that have gotten their hands on this treasure chest of shit, have specifically gone out of their way to tell us how DIFFICULT a decision it has been to decide whether or not to broadcast the pictures and video clips.

Oh yeah, I’m sure the second the president of NBC News got a hold of this shit he thought “Oh man, I don’t know if we should air this or not.”  He probably started jerking off at the thought of having this scoop before CBS, ABC, or, ahem, FOX.  So please, Bill O’Reilly, Chris Matthews, Brian Williams, Bill O’Reilly, and Keith Olberman (who is usually not at all a giant douchebag) spare me the fucking horseshit about how you had to sit and contemplate whether or not you were going to air this stuff.

It’s not a secret that you guys are all after ratings.  If you didn’t show it, someone else would, and nobody would be watching YOU.  It made me sick having to listen to all of these people make the same speech about how wrenching a decision it was whether or not to show Cho’s home videos.  Seriously.

Anyway, this has been an utterly tragic event, and I’m pretty sure it’s only going to become made worse by our wonderful media and government.

You can’t gargle gravel.

So while I was job searching for the last several months, I devised what I have dubbed the “Bad Job Corallary.” I even made an amazingly shitty graph to help describe it.

The Y Axis equals the amount of money you’re being paid. The higher you are on the graph, the more money you make. And if I had to explain that to you so you could figure it out, you should probably just go ahead and kill yourself.

The X Axis equals how much you like your job, with the far left side being people who wake up every morning and contemplate shooting themselves in the head instead of having to go to work and the far right side being people who would probably work for free because they love their job so much.

So anyway, here’s my super shitty graph:

Alright, let’s start with where I, and a fare percentage of the population fall - Suckers, or the orange box.
Ah, suckers. The worst of the worst. These are the folks that not only dislike their jobs for whatever reason, but are also getting paid horribly. This category is mostly made up of people in service industries (waiters, valets, etc), fast food employees, customer service bitches, retail workers, and crack whores. Being a sucker is exactly what it sounds like - it sucks. Suckers generally work long hours, are forced to deal with douchebag customers and managers, and generally have no way to get ahead. Being a sucker is not fun and breaking out of it is not that easy.

To the right of Suckers, in the blue box, you’ll find Morons. Morons are people who are getting paid shitty, but REALLY love their job, which is the only reason they stick around. Back in the day, before I became a Sucker, I was a Moron when I used to work at the video store. The video store was an AMAZING job for someone like me because I pretty much sat around all day either watching movies myself, playing video games, or watching the porn enthusiasts on my monitor while they did their browsing in the back room (always entertaining). It was an amazingly fun job that paid me absolute shit, but it didn’t really matter since I only worked there for a summer and over winter breaks during college. For me, being a Moron was temporary. And you know what? It’s better to be a Moron than to be a Sucker. At least being a Moron is enjoyable, and if you’ve got the right job you get to watch people shop around for their personal masturbation material. Good times. Other Moron jobs include stoners who work at record stores, some bartending jobs, and things of that nature. In fact, right now, I’m actually kind of envious of Morons, and that my friends is really fucking sad.

Moving up the chart to the top left corner, we’ve got the In It Only For the Moneys, or IIOFTM for short. These are the people who absolutely detest their day to day jobs, but since they’re getting paid so fucking well they can’t abandon their miserable career choice. These are like the government workers who have been doing the same shit for 20 years, various managers, and people like that. I’m not sure which I’d prefer, being an IIOFTM or a Moron. At least the morons are happy. But still poor. Hmm, I don’t know. I’ve never been an IIOFTM and I hope to never be.

To the far right upper corner in the yellow are Assholes. Had I made this shitty graph a little better, I would have made this box a lot smaller, because the percentage of the population who both LOVE their jobs AND make a fortune is very, very small. Assholes consist of millionaire CEO’s, actors (successful ones that is like…say…Keanu Reeves), musicians (succesful ones that is like…say…Master P), and Oprah Winfrey. This is probably closer to like 1% of the population, so just pretend that blue box is a little smaller. I think everyone aspires to be in that blue box, I know I do. That’s why I just used my entire first paycheck to buy lottery tickets.

Just to the left of Assholes, in the green box, are the Fuck These People Too, or FTPT. Why? Cause fuck these people too, that’s why. These people are only a step down from the real Assholes, they’re making great money and they like what they’re doing enough to keep doing it. This is like, a lot of people who run their own businesses, real estate agents and brokers, and other such people. I wouldn’t really mind being here one day either.

Then sandwiched between everything is the vast majority of the population, or Everyone Else as I’ll simply refer to them as. These are the people getting paid just enough to keep themselves working regardless of how happy they are. This includes pretty much everyone I know - the computer programmers, the accountants, the government employees, etc. Hell, I wouldn’t mind being here either. It’s a step up from being a Moron or a Sucker.

So that’s it. That’s the Bad Job Corallary. Where do you fall?

(NOTE:  it took me about 20 minutes to make that graph.  I realize how sad that is)

This was on my old website, and given the events of today, I thought it was fairly appropriate.  Forgive me if the references are mostly related to the University of Maryland…and that it’s from like four years ago.  Let’s just say that I called it.

You know what there aren’t enough of any more?  Shootings on college campuses.  Now I’m not talking about the minor stuff that happens here in parking lot one every week, I mean big time shootings like they have in all the high schools these days, or even a sniper taking everybody out like that guy in Texas back in the 60’s or 70’s or whenever the fuck that happened (Editors note: Hey, that was at UT, right here in Austin!).

It’s not like there aren’t any reasons to go crazy and open fire somewhere on here on campus, especially this year.  I can think of several without even trying.  “What?  Housing is quading me in my already undersized high rise room?  BANG BANG BANG BANG!”  Or maybe “I have to take accounting 1 and 2 with that assclown Pfieffer?  BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!”” Or even ““Five dollars for a hamburger and a soda at the dining hall?  BANG BANG BANG!”  Or what about “Guster is headlining Art Attack?  BANG BANG BANG!”

Yet, I can’t think of the last time anyone opened fire in the dining hall or in a dorm or even in a 500 seat lecture hall.  I’ve been here for two years now, and I have taken some bad classes in some big lecture halls.  I am really shocked that not one of my classes has ever become the attack of a disgruntled student.  You’d really think that someone would just go apeshit one day and start shooting up the place.

Now I’m not saying that I’m going to do that.  I would never do that.  But I sure as hell am rooting for it to happen somewhere, someday.  I think it will be fucking sweet.  I would just like to see the tv reporters on the scene:

Reporter:  That’s right Bob, it appears that a freshman business major opened fire today in this lecture hall.  It all started when he jumped out of his seat after reading the syllabus, screamed “I have to buy three $80 books for this stupid fucking class,” proceeded to pull out a semi-automatic rifle and began shooting frat boys down like pigeons.”

It is going to happen eventually.  Shit, if I got put into a room on north campus with four people that was originally intended for two, I would go crazy.  However, I wouldn’t start shooting up a lecture hall, I’d kill my roommates, you know, just for the extra space.

Anyway, yeah, that’s all I have to say about that.

So, the Inferno 3 started this week and was sitting on my DVR until I got a chance to watch it today.  In fact, I didn’t even realize it had started already.  Working a full-time job has already started fucking with me.

So anyway, even though I am officially retired from the Real World starting this season (I only watched the first episode and then a few minutes here and there but overall very little), nothing will make me stop watching these challenges.  Something about them is just so goddamn entertaining I guess.

The problem for me though, is that these challenges are now full of people I don’t give a shit about.  They’ve got these losers that were never even on the Real World or Road Rules (they’re those retards from that awful Fresh Meat season), and since there hasn’t even been a new season of Road Rules for like three years (minus the season that just started which I also don’t watch but I believe features old cast members anyway), a good chunk of these people are from the Real World.

So one thing that completely sucks is that probably half of the cast members are from the last three or so seasons of the Real World.  Who the fuck cares about these people?  Everyone from Austin, Key West, and Denver are completely fucking useless.  That girl Rachel, the retarded army girl, should be shot.  That dumb ho Janelle, useless.  Danny?  Jackass.  And all the people from this season?  Tyree?  Jenn?  Fuck all of these assholes.

So basically, there’s nobody to root for.  That is until Derrick showed up because CT punched that gay kid in the face on the first night.  So that’s good.

Aside from all that, what the fuck was up with that first episode?  I hate the whole “Good Guy vs. Bad Ass” concept, but as I stated above, they have to resort to this shit since there hasn’t been a new Road Rules in years.  And speaking of “Good Guys,” why is that idiot Colie from this season of the Real World one of them?  What makes her a Good Guy?  The fact that she obsesses over dudes who don’t give a fuck about her?

I think they need to make two new categories to replace “Good Guys” and “Bad Asses.”  They can be like…”Retards” and “Complete Fucking Retards.”  It might be hard to distinguish at first, but that’s not really the point.

Also, from the first episode, it’s a real shame that either Tyree or Alton are going to be gone after the very first episode.  But like all good reality television shows and horror movies, I guess we have to get rid of all the colored people early, right?  By the way, Alton wins.  I only know this because in the “This Season on the Inferno” trailer that ran directly after the first episode, there were several shots of Alton and none of Tyree.  Stupid MTV.  So yeah, I’m rooting for Alton too cause that guy is a badass.

Well, this post has been significantly useless to anyway who doesn’t watch this show.  Like JoeLott probably.  Whatever.

JLo seriously tore me up in that last comment. Come on dude, that video is pretty funny. The dude is pointing to a picture of a moth and he’s all “Just look at the details of this horse!” Dude, it’s pretty goddamn funny.

Like I said, since I started this new job I don’t know how much I’m going to get a chance to write. Especially with this being my first week and all, it was fairly difficult. I’ll try to get back to regular updates in the coming weeks, but unfortunately, I can’t promise anything.

Working sucks! But money is fun to have for you know, eating and living and stuff.

Also, I’ll try to be funny again. That’s all for now.

I start a new job tomorrow which means I’ll probably have a lot less time to update this blog.  On the bright side, it might give me some material.  I guess time will tell.

Sorry for short and crappy post.

Well now both Gilbert AND Caron Butler are out for the season, and the Wizard’s are fucked.  And the timing couldn’t be worse.  At least if this had happened like a month ago, we could have just tanked the season and gotten into the draft lottery for a completely stacked incoming class.

But now, instead of that, we’re probably going to fall to the 7th or 8th seed in the playoffs and get swept in the first round and end up with like the 17th or 18th pick in the draft.

Awful.  Fucking completely awful.

Crib death.

I’ve probably written about this before here, but whatever.

Anyone who knows me knows me knows that I used to be an enormous pro wrestling fan.  Especially back in the mid-90’s before wrestling hit its absolute peak when I used to get made fun of by the same people who several years later became fans.

“You like wrestling?  That’s fake you know.”   As a 14, 15, 16, 17 year old kid, I got told this all the time.

While no longer a fan (I stopped watching religiously probably around my freshman year of college when wrestling became entirely too mainstream for me to enjoy), calling professional wrestling “fake,” is in no way fair to the professionals who take part in this “sport.”

Pre-determined?  Absolutely.  Fake?  Definitely not.

I always respected the fact that every time one of these dudes steps into a ring, they really are putting their lives in the hands of other people to basically make sure they don’t die.  While pre-determined and definitely not a legitimate “sport,” pro wrestling has to be one of the most intense and grueling professions anyone can have in regards to the stress and aggravation it puts on their bodies.

To call pro wrestling “fake,” is to completely dismiss how much skill it takes for these guys to step into a ring and not accidentally kill themselves or their opponents.

I’m posting a video that I think Simmons linked to of a bunch of wrestling moves gone wrong.  I watched this a minute ago and I think it’s miraculous that the dudes in this video aren’t dead.

So if wrestling ever becomes as popular as it was about seven years ago, don’t go around dismissing it as stupid and fake.  While it might be stupid, there’s nothing fake about this:

There’s twenty of them.

And if you don’t find that joke funny, then I don’t think we should be friends.

I was just sitting here watching Conan, and I saw maybe one of the funniest commercials ever.  It was for some doctor here in Austin named “Dr. Something Canada,” and the commercial said “Doctor Something Canada has come home to Austin.  He’s been helping thousands of women improve their breasts, yada yada yada.”  So basically it was a commercial for this guy who specializes in plastic surgery boobs.  Awesome.

But the entire commercial was a couple of women running in slow motion on the beach.

Too awesome for words.  I love this city.

This is pretty cool.

God, when I go through the admin on this blog, there are always so many spam comments.  However, if you’ll notice, if you ever look at the comments on various posts, there’s never any spam!  That’s because I go in and delete it all before it gets published.

Seriously, I wish these spammers would stop wasting their time trying to post comments about online pharmacies, porn sites, and casinos because they will never, ever make it onto my site.  It’s just really fucking annoying.

This isn’t even to mention that it’s messing up all my stats.  Based on what I know, I’m getting about 200 unique visitors a day here now, and I’m beginning to think that 195 of them are spammers.  Annoying.

Man, we’re almost at the worst part of the year.  Tonight is the official end of the college basketball season.  After tonight, there’s a few more months of the NBA (thank God the playoffs last about 8 months) and then it’s just baseball.

Man, I love college basketball.  They need to find a way to make it last all summer.  I realize that there is no school in the summer, but come on, like these guys go to classes anyway.