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Jesus Fucking Christ, if another celebrity gets arrested for a DUI in the next week I’m going to go on a rampage.  This shit is getting out of control.

A while back a wrote something on here about how no celebrity should ever, EVER get arrested for a DUI.  It’s not because they’re a celebrity, I don’t place celebrities above the law (as unfortunately our legal system does).  It’s because a celebrity (I’m talking a *REAL* celebrity, not like Kathy Griffin or some other retard who probably doesn’t even have a lot of money) should always have a member of their entourage solely responsible for remaining sober at all times and always on call to give them a ride should they be intoxicated and/or high.

So two major DUIs happened in the past day.  First, Lindsey Lohan, who is clearly a menace to society and should be locked away.

First of all, I don’t know why this bitch is famous and where she gets off  going around acting the way she does.  She’s been in what, five movies?  Ten?  And of those, what, one of them was any good?

Well despite the fact that she’s useless, she still has a ton of money and has no excuse to be driving around drunk and high.  And I’m sure that despite the fact that she’s a complete menace, she’ll get away with it anyway.

I really want one of these fuckhead celebrities to kill someone along with themselves sometime soon.  I mean given how many of these DUIs there are, you’d think it’d only be a matter of time.

The second DUI that occurred today blew my mind.  Jerry Buss, the OWNER OF THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS, was arrested for a DUI.  How much money is this man worth?  You mean to tell me he doesn’t ALWAYS have a driver on call?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Jerry Buss?

I have to say though, the one thing I did like about the story is that he was driving around with an unidentified 23 year old woman.  Way to go Jerry!  (For the record, Jerry Buss is probably around 80 years old)  God I wish I was rich.

You know what I would do if I was rich?  First, I’d hire someone to ALWAYS BE SOBER WHO COULD DRIVE ME AROUND 24 HOURS A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK.

And then second, I’d also get me some hot 23 year old.

Yup.

But anyway, back to what I was talking about, fuck these celebrities who have no regard for anyone but themselves.  I hope they all die.

Oh, and I also hope that Paris Hilton gets raped with a broom handle while she’s in prison.  Is that wrong?

For every commercial for House of Payne that I see (and I put it at roughly 3 billion by now since it comes on during every fucking commercial during every NBA playoff game) I want to watch it less.

So, sorry for the extreme lack of updates as of late. I’ve just been really, really busy. I’ll try to get back into the habit.

Anyway, here’s something I felt I had to share.

I was watching one of my favorite television shows the other night, Talk Sex With Sue, which I have mentioned here before once or twice when I heard probably the worst thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

This lady calls in and says:

“Hi Sue. My neighbor found a dildo in the park and brought it home. She washed it with peroxide and also put it in the dishwasher. Is it safe to use?”

What?

WHAT?

WHAT?!!!
Before my brain explodes, here was Sue’s paraphrased response:

“Sure.”

Okay, it was a bit more than that. Basically she said “It’s probably okay to use, but she should go to a sex shop and buy Toy Cleaner just to be on the safe side.”

No. No, no no no. Here’s what you do to be on the safe side: WHEN YOU FIND A DILDO IN THE PARK, DON’T PICK IT UP, DON’T BRING IT HOME WITH YOU, DON’T EVEN FUCKING TOUCH IT! WHY? BECAUSE IT’S A *DILDO* THAT YOU *FOUND* IN THE FUCKING *PARK*!!!!!

This pretty much boggles my mind. Like this has to be the most foul, filthy, disgusting thing ever. How did this even happen?

You’re out in the park taking your dog for a walk. You stop to admire some flowers. A squirrel scatters by in front of you. A bird sings.  Then, just as you’re about to head home something catches your eye. Is it? Could it be? Is that what I think it is? It is! It’s a dildo!

Now, at this point, the normal person thinks “Wow, that’s weird. What the fuck is a dildo doing in the park?” Maybe the kinder more saintly person even puts on a glove and picks it up and throws it away so a kid can’t find it.

But what kind of fucked up retard thinks, “SWEET! FREE DILDO!” Picks it up, takes it home, WASHES IT IN THE DISHWASHER, and then USES IT?

I mean, isn’t this really just one small step away from finding a condom in the park and thinking, “SWEET! FREE CONDOM!” And then washing it out in your sink and hanging it up on a clothespin to dry out?  Or “SWEET!  FREE HYPODERMIC NEEDLE!”
Isn’t this one small step away from finding a hobo on the street, taking him home, bathing him, and then fucking him?

More problems abound:

First of all, I think Sue needs to have this show taken away from her.  Not once in her response did she seem repulsed, disgusted, or turned-off in any way.  If you get asked a question like this and immediately don’t respond “What in God’s name is wrong with you/your “neighbor?” you should be locked up and maybe even destroyed.
Sue also responded that she should go to a sex store to buy toy cleaner.

Look, if you’re going to go to a sex store to buy toy cleaner, why don’t you also just buy your own dildo?  You know, maybe one that YOU DID NOT FIND IN THE FUCKING PARK?

In the age where you can buy damn near anything you want on the internet, if going to a sex store is an embarrassment issue, go online.  DON’T USE DILDOS YOU FIND IN THE PARK.

Jesus Fucking Christ this makes me ill.

You know what?  I take bad every bad thing I’ve ever said about Duke basketball players.  These guys are really sweet, caring guys!

Just take a look at this news: former Duke player Luol Deng (only at Duke for one season, thus not an NBA bust) was just voted the league’s best sportsman!  Well isn’t that swell?

While they might as well call this the “Biggest Pussy Award,” I’m not gonna lie.  I kinda like Luol Deng.  And much like every other Duke player who has ever really amounted to anything in the NBA, he wasn’t at Duke long enough for Coach K to fuck him up as a basketball player.  But I guess one year is long enough to make you just a flat-out sweet and caring fellow.

But it gets better.  Of the top four vote getters, Duke players had THREE OF THEM!  That’s right, Shane Battier came in second and Elton Brand (another early entry NBA player that wasn’t at Duke long enough to have all of his skills taken away from him) came in fourth.

So listen up high school recruits.  Do you want to become an elite basketball player in the NBA?  You do?  Well then don’t go to Duke.  But if you’re looking to become a nice, sweet guy with a good heart who takes care of his mother, Coach K knows exactly what he’s doing.

A really attractive homeless woman.  With big fake breasts.

Ok seriously, I just now came across one of the funniest, stupidest things I’ve read in recent memory.

There’s a website I check out on occasion called Ripoffreport.com. Basically, it’s a place for disgruntled employees, customers, suppliers, etc to go complain about how they were in some way wronged by a company. Now, I really can’t tell you how valid this site is. Clearly, there are a lot of morons out there who misuse an open forum like this, but there are also very legitimate complaints.

The reason I check this site out on occasion is because back when I was looking for a job here in Austin, I liked to check up on companies I was applying at to see what their story is. This is especially true for anything you find on Craigslist because there is a ton of bullshit stuff on there. In fact, Ripoff Report saved me from going to an interview at a company that claimed one thing but turned out to be door-to-door sales.

Anyway, out of boredom tonight I ran a search for “Austin, Texas” to see who showed up. Here’s the direct link to the funny thing i mentioned, but I’ll just paste the text here anyway:

TheIDshop.com is an online business that allegedly participates in making fake ID cards. Basically if you wanted a fake ID with somebody else’s name, you can pay this rip-off non-existent company for a fake ID card with various templates of state driver’s license. The website is located at TheIDShop.com.

They make their website look plausible with a 1-888-346-4103 customer service number, that does NOT exist! They even suggest you email them with concerns of your order. However, it’s a fake gmail account where nobody answers your questions.

They also make their company look genuine by stating that they’ve been to “gun conventions” and “ID hacking conventions” when those photos on their phoney websites are probably booths from home gardening conventions.

They also make your order look plausible by having you read an agreement form before making your order of a fake ID card. Basically some idiot made this agreement forms, and make the order look very genuine.

You pay for their service by sending them cash, money order or cashier’s check. They don’t take credit card because they want your cash and run away with it.

Don’t make a huge mistake with these bullsh_t fake ID card online companies. They don’t exist, and they’re there to STEAL your money.

So as a warning, never go to TheIDShop.com. I hope the owner(s) die of a severe heart attack!!!

Jake
Austin, Texas
U.S.A.

Before I begin talking about how FUCKING RETARDED THIS IS, there was actually another post under the same “company!”

Hey man, yeah i know exactly what ur talking about. same thing happened to me. i sent the money, didnt recieve anything, started getting anxious, still nothing. called (recording), emailed, no response. So i did some research online… found out this guy got busted by the feds a while back and the website is still up. so basically i just sent my money to nowhere and uncle sam probly got it in his pocket right now. just thought i’d let you know what happened to me.

Scott - Lake Bluff, Illinois
U.S.A.

America’s youth, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, for fun and excitement I went to check out that website for a minute, and I have to say, if you are a COMPLETE AND UTTER JACKASS I could see how you might think this is a real company. However, if you have even a quarter of a brain, wouldn’t you stop to think, “Hey, wait a second…making and selling fake id’s is illegal…maybe I shouldn’t trust this website.”

What are you fucking retards going to fall for next? The Dial-a-Hitman hotline? 11YearOldBoysForSex.com? AllYourNukesHere.net?

Honestly, I’m not sure how this site is even up and running, but that’s an entirely different story. There are some REALLY funny aspects to this website (like them claiming that other fake id sites are a scam) and if you have a few minutes I HIGHLY recommend checking it out.

I love how ANGRY these two fucking morons are that they got “ripped-off” by this website. “Oh man, I can’t believe I sent some guy $50 thinking I was going to get a fake ID off the internet.”

What’s worse about this is that these two fucktards are most likely UT students. People this dumb should not be allowed outside of their homes. And if they are, they should be forced to wear helmets. And muzzles.

God these kids are so fucking stupid.

Oh, and by the way, for my own personal amusement, I wrote my own comment:

Hey morons, next time DON’T BUY A FAKE ID OFF THE INTERNET.  Jesus Christ.  Are you also trying to solicit underage prostitutes and PCP off the internet too?  I hope you guys never procreate.