I saw a little girl today who must have been, I don’t know, between 10-12 years old (I’m just guessing, who the fuck can tell these days anymore with little girls the way their parents let them dress).  She was walking next to, I ASSUME her father but it could have just as easily been her 33 year old boyfriend.

She was wearing a t-shirt that caught my attention.

It said:  Your Boyfriend Fell In Love With Me on Myspace.

Now, I’m not a parent and I don’t have any daughters, thank god.  But something about this entire scenario was just fucking wrong.  First of all, it’s a retarded shirt that NOBODY should be wearing.  But the fact that it was on a (maybe) 11 year old girl who was walking around with her dad?  Super disturbing.  Do you think this asshole is proud of this little skank in training?  At home is he taking half naked pictures of her and like “Aw yeah, that’s my little girl!  We’re gonna post these on Myspace!  You’re so hot honey!”

For the record, the above description is pretty much how I envision Joe Simpson.

Anyway, this whole thing was just completely uncool.  I pray to god I never have any children.

(thanks Kyle)

Man, summer television seriously sucks, but there are some things that either just started or are starting soon that I plan on watching:

1) Last Comic Standing.  This just started up again last night, and I have to say, I love this show.  It’s one of the few reality shows around where it takes some kind of actual discernible talent to win, and I appreciate that.

However, I do have a few problems already with this season, and since none of you probably watched the show, this won’t make any sense to you.  To start with, one thing that bothered me last year and continues to bother me already this year is that some of the contestants are already relatively well known.  Last year, there were a few but the one that sticks out in my head is Gabriel Iglesias.  He’s the big fat Mexican guy that does the funny voices, and while I think he is hilarious, he did not belong on the show.  The guy had previously had a Comedy Central special before even appearing on LCS, so it’s not like he was obscure or anything.

Then this year, another guy who I think is pretty funny but also has had a special on Comedy Central has made it through to the semi-finals - Arj Barker.  Arj Barker is a really, really funny comic, yet shouldn’t having already had a special on Comedy Central somehow disqualify you for this show?  It should.

One other thing I don’t like about this year is that the show is now hosted by BILL BELLAMY.  Okay I’m sorry, but when did Bill Bellamy become funny?  The first season the show was hosted by Jay Mohr, and now it’s been lowered to Bill Bellamy?  Was Pauly Shore unavailable?

Oh, and if anyone DID indeed watch the show, I’m convinced that none of those women from New York or Canada would have made it to the semi-finals if Kathleen Madigan wasn’t one of the judges because they were HORRIBLE.  That big, fat annoying lady from Canada was just plain AWFUL, and both of the women who made it through from New York weren’t remotely funny.  They even did that whole clip of Kathleen Madigan saying that she was determined to find funny women.  Well she didn’t.  If she chose the best of the bunch, it sure doesn’t say a lot for the status of women comedians.  I’m not against women comedians, I think there are several good ones out there.  But the ones on this show…Jesus.  Real, real bad.  Except for the fat lesbian lady from Texas and the other girl from St. Louis.  They were good.
And even though I thought his shit was pretty good, the guy who dressed up like a gorilla probably shouldn’t have gone through either.  I mean at some point, jokes about being a gorilla are just going to get tired.

2)  Seen ads for Age of Love?  Well holy shit, this show looks awesome!  Here’s the premise:  it’s just another “dating” show a la “The Bachelor” (or really, a lot closer to that old show on NBC whose name I forgot where the lady had to choose between the really unattractive guys with big hearts or the “hunky” douchebags - can anyone help with the name?) except this time it’s a bunch of women in their 20’s (the “kittens”) competing with a bunch of women in their 40’s (the “cougars”).  And to top it all off, the douchebag man who is picking is former tennis pro Mark Phillipoussis.  Phillipoussis was actually a decent tennis player for a while, being ranked as high as 8 in the world back in 1999.  But now he’s just some asshole on Age of Love.

Does this show look awesome?  Yes.  Will I be watching it starting Monday?  Of course.  Is there any way in hell that Phillipoussis (age 31 by the way) chooses a lady in her 40’s over a chick in her 20’s?  Not a fucking chance.  They might as well call this show “Guys Want to Fuck Women in Their 20’s and Not Their Mothers.”  I heard that was actually the original title.  I mean come on, there’s no way he chooses one of the older women.  Granted, some of those women in their 40’s look pretty fine based on the commercials I’ve seen, but come on now.  Not a chance.

Then there’s all kinds of other crap on television this Summer including Pirate Master, a show so stupid sounding that I won’t even watch it.  And I’ll watch damn near any reality show.  I watched Paradise Hotel.  I watch Big Brother.  I watched For Love Or Money, Love Cruise, Temptation Island, The Mole (which was actually awesome by the way and entirely too smart for the American public which is why there were only two seasons of it), Joe Millionaire (1 AND 2).  The list goes on and on of the crappy reality shows I’ll watch.  But I draw the line at anything called Pirate Master.

You know what would make me watch this show?  If they went around the world on a big pirate ship, and were forced to rape women and plunder small island towns all the while fighting off diseases that were eradicated 500 years ago like scurvy and the bubonic plague.  It’s just like how I said I’ll watch survivor when they put 20 white people with corporate jobs in a project in Compton and change the name of the show to “Urban Survivor.”  CBS needs to stop making reality shows and concentrate on making sitcoms that people over the age of 60 watch.

Okay, I’ve clearly got nothing else good to say and I’m just wasting virtual paper at this point.  So I’m done.

Not much.  But I definitely miss this:

Do you ever sit around at your crappy job thinking about the other jobs you would prefer doing? You don’t? Well fuck you then because I do this all the time. So without further ado, here’s a list of jobs I’d like to have:

1) Adult Film Star. From what I know about porn (and that is to say - A LOT), breaking into the industry as a man is incredibly difficult. Not only is it difficult, but I bet it becomes really tedious after a while because once you’re in, it becomes your job to have sex with women, on film, all day, every day. I bet by week three it’s not even fun anymore. I have a feeling that most men in porn don’t even look forward to going into work anymore. They get up in the morning and are all “Oh great, who do I have to assfuck today?” I don’t think they even get paid well.

Job Pros: Never having to go through long single-guy sex droughts. Being able to pick up women in clubs by saying “Hey, I have a nine inch long penis.” Plus I bet they get free donuts on the set.
Job Cons: That ever uncomfortable two guy/one girl threesome that makes you kinda gay.

2) Poker pro. This is another tedious job that isn’t really nearly as fun as it looks. Sitting at a table (or in front of your computer) for 12 hour stretches while surrounded by the scum of the earth is really not that thrilling. But a smart player can make a lot of money and it beats filling out TPS Reports.

Job Pros: No boss, no schedule. All the free drinks you want. Possible fame and/or endorsement deals.

Job Cons: Putting on 50 pounds in the first year while all of your muscles atrophy. Losing contact with everyone you know so you can spend all day long sitting around a bunch of assholes named “Tex” and “Red,” and occasionally losing tens of thousands of dollars to kids who can’t be older than 12.

3) National Steel Account Manager. When I was in college I had this marketing professor named Dr. Nickels. To anyone with half a brain (me, and roughly one other person in the Marketing department) this guy was a complete assclown.  But everyone else seemed to love him.  According to Dr. Nickels, the best job in the world is being the National Account Manager for some steel company.  He made it sound like any schmo could walk in off the street, kick down a few doors, and become the National Account Manager for Big Steel in only a matter of minutes.  Sounds good to me!

Job Pros:  According to Dr. Nickels, all you have to do is sit in some cushy chair and collect commission any time anyone in your company sells some steel.  Sounds good to me!

Job Cons:  None!  Unless you don’t like sitting around a big office every day collecting free money.  In that case, this job is not for you.

4)  Professional Athlete.  What a life!  You work for roughly seven months (depending on what sport), make millions of dollars a year, and retire at age 36!  And if you’re REALLY good, you can even demand where you play and with who!

Job Pros:  Commit any crime you want to and get away with it (even rape and sometimes murder).  Groupies in every city.  Making more money in a day than most people make in five years.
Job Cons:  Signing autographs in airports.  Having to talk to Stuart Scott.

5)  Reality Television Star.  What a life this is.  You go from a Nobody to a Nobody that people recognize.  If you manage to make it on to the Real World or even something like The Bachelor, you can parlay the gig into a ten year career.  Go on tour, give speeches, make appearances at clubs and various events.  Get paid just for being your stupid, dumbass self!

Job Pros:  Make a couple G’s by just showing up at some club opening and then banging some stupid chick because she recognized you from Big Brother.

Job Cons:  All those failed auditions in Hollywood because you think that because you’re a D-List celebrity you belong in movies.

5)  Game Show Host.  You get to be the most annoying asshole on the planet and yet nobody gives a shit since you’re giving away free stuff!  Thanks, Howie Mandel!

Job Pros:  Bagging hot models after filming (a la Bob Barker, that sly dog).

Job Cons:  Contestants that become stupider and more annoying every day.

Do black people find this Tyler Perry guy funny?

I have seen about a billion ads for this House of Payne show and it looks HORRIBLE.   Like completely and utterly horrible.

I’m not sure if they’re trying to make like some kind of new Cosby Show or what, but here’s the thing: the Cosby Show was funny.  This looks horrible.

So seriously, this is an honest question: do black people find this guy funny?  Is it like how stupid rednecks think that Larry the Cable Guy is funny?  Anyone?

So I was watching Ocean’s 11 tonight on television because there was nothing else on and I stopped watching pretty much everything on MTV (Movie Awards on tonight and I couldn’t care less).

So I was watching Ocean’s 11 and remembering how awfully stupid and bad this movie is.  The only reason I saw it in the first place was because an ex-girlfriend’s college roommate pretty much dragged us to it back when I was in college.  I never saw Ocean’s 12 (and seriously, Ocean’s 12?  How fucking stupid is that?) and there’s no way in hell I’ll see Ocean’s 13.

There are so many reasons why this movie is beyond ludicrous and why I hate it.  Here’s my list, if you care:

1) That poker scene in the beginning, the one where that guy flips up his hand and shouts “All reds!” is beyond retarded.  So Brad Pitt is supposed to be teaching all these movie stars how to play “poker” and yet when he’s playing five card draw with them, he does something that makes absolutely no sense even to the worst poker players on the planet. After the first round of betting, one guy says he wants to draw four cards and Brad Pitt is all “no, you want to fold.”  No, if you’re already in the fucking pot at that point, you don’t fold your cards because you’re not paying any more money to draw cards.  You’ve already put your money in the pot.  It makes zero sense.  None.  If Brad Pitt is teaching these guys how to play cards, he’s pretty much the worst teacher of all time.

2)  Julia Roberts is NOT attractive and yet she’s supposed to be like some kind of trophy girlfriend for the Casino boss Benedict.  Yeah, right.  Like the first scene when she appears and Matt Damon is all “This is the best part of my day.”  Give me a fucking break.

2a) Julia Roberts looks like a horse.

2b) Benedict would never be dating her in the first place if he is worth $750 million when there are much, much, much hotter women wandering around Vegas, and in fact the World.

3)  When they plan this whole robbery thing, I think they had like two or three weeks.  Yet in that time, they are able to learn every single thing about every casino employee, make up various disguises, create an exact replica of the casino vault, gain control of a bomb that has enough power to take out all of the power in Vegas, etc.  Really?  I don’t mind suspended belief in order to enjoy a movie, but that’s just retarded, as is this movie.

4) That whole scene with Bernie Mac, Matt Damon, and Benedict where Matt Damon steals  the passcodes is so insulting to everyone’s intelligence.  Benedict is all “So, how’s [some guy] doing at the [gaming commission] and Matt Damon is all “Oh I don’t know ever since he died” or whatever he says.  So fucking stupid.

I could go on but I’m already bored of this and you probably are too.  Fuck this movie and fuck the sequels.

So Kyle started blogging again and posted the following video.  Kyle, I don’t know why you posted this video, I don’t know what this video is, I don’t want to know what this video is.  I don’t know how this video was ever made.

Seriously, how the fuck was this video made?  You and a bunch of your boys are sitting around when all of a sudden you say,”Hey, you know what would be fun?  Let’s all hump my ottoman upstairs and put it on film!”  And then all four of them say “THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE BEST IDEA EVER.”

Seriously.  What the fuck?  Video might be NSFW but definitely NSFPWAB (not safe for people with a brain)

I don’t have the article in front of me, but I read this news item on IMDB yesterday about how some kind of investigation is underway to see if someone illegally served Lindsay Lohan drinks that night last week that she ran her car into a bunch of trees.

Oh really, you need an investigation for this?

Let’s look at the facts:

Lindsay Lohan is 20 years old.

Lindsay Lohan has been going out to clubs, drinking and partying for what, the last two or three years?

The drinking age in this country is 21, which it’s been for what, 15 or 20 years?

So, does anyone really need to waste their time trying to figure out if she was served drinks illegally?  No!

It’s a case of simple math: 21-20 = 1.  So, um, yes, she has been served drinks “illegally” for probably the last four or five years.

I don’t want to get into a debate here about the drinking age, but this is a simple case of what is and what isn’t legal.  Is it legal when she does coke in bathrooms?  No, that’s not legal either.

I wish my sister-in-law never got me into reading all this celebrity gossip because it’s so fucking stupid and I hate myself every time I load up TheSuperficial or any other celebrity gossip site.  Jesus what’s happening to me?