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Steve Buckantz might be the worst commentator ever, but man this guy cracks me up.

Hey everyone, it’s once again time to play everyone’s favorite game: Jordan Alienates Most of his Readership!

I was thinking about it the other day, and up until recently I remember thinking that the 2001 NBA Draft was the worst draft in recent history.  But then I went over it again the other day and I wanted to put down some thoughts on how it’s shaping up.

Pick #1: Kwame Brown.

Okay, I was one of the last Kwame Brown fans left in the DC area.  I remember when he came out of high school, all of the press behind him was fantastic.  I remember the Wiz were contemplating either him or Eddy Curry and I also remember just about everyone thinking that Kwame was a sure thing, he was a good kid and he had all the skills to be a star.  While that might have been right - nobody denies that Kwame had the potential, it didn’t exactly turn out that way.  I’ve seen far too many blown dunks, bad turnovers, and general lack of heart from Kwame that I think all the heat he takes from fans is justified.  No, it’s not his fault that he was drafted #1 overall, but it is his fault that his attitude has always sucked and that he plays with no passion.
I won’t go so far as to say that Kwame was the worst #1 pick of all time - Michael Olowakandi comes to mind, but he’s got potential to be there by the time his career is over.
Here’s how you know he’s bad (besides of course being booed at home in both Washington and now LA) - the other day I was watching the Lakers play and the commentator said something like “What people don’t realize is that Kwame’s a pretty good backup center.”  First of all, that’s not true and second of all, the GUY WAS A #1 PICK.

Kwame’s career stats up until now: 7.6 ppg, 5.7rbg, 60% FT shooter, 48% FG shooter, 1 cake thrown and millions upon millions of boos shattered on him.  To this day I don’t know how the Wizards were able to trade him for Caron Butler.

#2 Tyson Chandler.

Up until recently, Chandler wasn’t much of a player either.  Funny that this draft class was totally hyped up among the three high school stars - Brown, Curry, and Chandler, and of the three who got the most hype, Chandler was it.   Yet, he is somehow, amazingly, becoming one of the top players in this draft class.  Chandler never did much of anything with the Bulls - his best statistical season he put up 8 points and about 10 boards a game.  But this year he’s got an argument to be an All-Star, posting 12 points and 12 rebounds a game - not to mention he’s shooting an astounding 60% from the field.  But hey, you’d average 60% too if most of your shots were coming from alley-oops thrown by Chris Paul.

Chandler has really surprised me this year and I’m happy the guy is playing well.  But who could have seen this coming after his mediocre play for the first five years of his career?

#3 Pau Gasol

Almost since he was drafted, Gasol has been the best player on shitty teams.  Good players on shitty teams are hard to judge - is this guy only putting up numbers because everyone around him is useless?  Can’t really say a lot bad about the guy given his career averages, and really up until Chandler broke out recently I thought Gasol was the best player from this draft (excluding one player to be named later in this post)

Gasol’s been the subject of trade rumors for quite a while now and I’ll be interested to see how his game plays out once he’s no longer the best player on the team (which he might not be anymore on the Grizzlies with the emergence of Rudy Gay which I predicted on this blog shortly after he was drafted and traded for SHANE BATTIER ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?)

#4 Eddy Curry

The last of the so-called big-time high school stars from this draft.  I never understood his appeal.  When he came out he seemed like an undersized yet overweight center.  He always posted better points per game than Chandler while also on the bulls but his rebounding averages are pathetic for a supposed PF/C - a 5.5 career average.  And now the guy plays for the Knicks so really, there’s not much point in talking about him is there?

#5 Jason Richardson.

Another one of the better players from this draft, I always liked Richardson.  His career numbers are respectable - 18ppg, 5.5 rbg, 3 apg.  He’s left Golden State but still putting up nice numbers on a young team that’s struggling a bit in the talent department.  Richardson might never be an All-Star but for a #5 draft pick, you could have done worse.

#6 Shane Battier

Look, I am biased against the guy for Duke related reasons.  But when he was drafted #6 overall I couldn’t for the life of me understand it.  Why are these shitty Duke players constantly drafted 15 spots higher than they belong?  Yes, Shane Battier is a better than average defensive player.  But does that justify this draft position?  No, I don’t think so.  And his stupid head bothers me.

#7 Eddie Griffin

Griffin is no longer in the NBA due to death related reasons (though he wasn’t in the league when he was hit by a train in what I think is still an undetermined suicide).  Griffin was a head case when he came out of college and continued to be a head case throughout his brief career.  I don’t understand why general managers don’t take this into account, in any sport, when drafting players or signing free agents.  Head cases = bad.  This isn’t science.  No need to rag on a dead guy, but his career numbers were fairly pathetic as well and do not justify a #7 draft pick.

#8 Desagana Diop

Diop barely played during his four years on the Cavs and must have been totally stoked once he went to the Mavs.  And the Mavs definitely suit him.  The guy has absolutely no offensive game, but who needs one when you’ve got Josh Howard, Dirk, and Jason Terry playing alongside you?  Diop is a shot-blocking presence in the middle and that’s really all he’s needed for on this team.  Worth a #8 pick?  Not for Cleveland but the guy has made himself a serviceable player.

#9 Rodney White

I’m not going to lie, I still have no idea who this is.  Apparently he came out of UNC Charlotte and bounced around a few teams but is currently out of the league.  But at least he’s not dead.  I think.

#10 Joe Johnson

Johnson is a pure scorer.  He doesn’t seem to do a lot else besides score, and he definitely made a giant mistake when he declared he wanted out of Phoenix.  But the guy is one of the reasons that the Hawks are finally not terrible.  A good player for a #10 draft pick.

#11 Kedrick Brown

Yeah, I had to look this guy up too.  The Celtics picked Johnson and then followed it up with Brown, who last played in 05.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say this was a waste of a pick.

#12 Vladimir Radmonovic

Radmonovic to me has always seemed like one of those guys who you don’t really notice on the court.  And then you look at his numbers and you realize the guy isn’t half bad.  Maybe it’s cause he’s from Yugoslavia, maybe it’s because he’s just a goofy looking white guy, but I just never notice the dude.  But he’s useful enough on the Lakers when he’s not injured.

#13 Richard Jefferson

If they did this draft over again today, Jefferson would be a top five pick if not top 3.  I always liked Jefferson since he came out of Arizona and I feel like Lute Olsen actually prepares his players for the NBA unlike Coach K (who prepares his players for life).  Jefferson has been constantly good throughout his career and he’s going to have to get even better once Kidd finally escapes New Jersey.

#14 Troy Murphy

I have nothing to say about Troy Murphy.  I think he’s on Indiana now.  Yawn.

#15 Steven Hunter

Who?  Oh yeah, that tall guy on Philly.  Next.

And that pretty much covers the lottery.  The next notable guy is Zach Randolph at 19, Gerald Wallace at 25, Tony Parker at 28, and then of course Gilbert Arenas in the second round.

Arenas is, by my opinion, the best player to come out of this draft.  If you look at where he’s taken the Wizards since his arrival in Washington, it’s plain to see how important this guy is.  That’s why it pisses me off when all these media jackasses ask if the Wizards are better off without him.  No, of course not.

So how does this draft grade?  Well, let’s look at it this way -

Star Players (guys capable of leading a team and being a franchise player):  1. Gilbert Arenas.

Good players (maybe an all-star appearance here or there but someone you’d definitely want in your starting lineup): 9.  Chandler, Gasol, Richardson, Joe Johnson, Jefferson, Randolph, Wallace, Parker, Okur (second round).

Okay players (good enough to be a backup/role player/occasional starter): 9 Curry, Battier, Diop, Radmonovich, Murphy, Haywood, Dalembert, Tinsley,  Bobby Simmons (second round).

Mostly Useless (good enough to play if someone is injured): 1. Steven Hunter

Completely Useless and or Draft Busts and or never to be heard from again and or dead (1st round only): 11 Kwame, Griffin, Rodney White, Kedrick Brown, Kirk Haston, Michael Bradley, Jason Collins, Joe Forte, Jeryl Sasser, Brandom Armstrong, Raul Lopez.

So how do you judge a draft?  By the best players or the worst?  11 guys to be completely useless seems like a lot to me in the first round, and the only true superstar in the whole bunch is Arenas with Gasol, Parker, Jefferson and Richardson being the next best guys.

Maybe this draft isn’t as bad as I originally thought, but it definitely isn’t good.  I give it a C-.

Hey, this was fun.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll do 2000.

Longtime blog readers know that I like going into my admin to see what search strings lead readers into my blog here. I haven’t done it in quite a while so I figured it’s time to once again help out with some of the more popular search strings.

The one that comes up the most is always “Craig Kilborn” or “What happened to Craig Kilborn.” Seriously, I have over 400 hits in the past few months from people looking for Craig. I just Googled this myself and it turns out that I’m like the fifth or sixth thing that pops up.  Wow, I’ve hit the big time!  Hey folks, I have no idea what happened to him. Sorry I couldn’t help more. He was funny on the Daily Show, his late night talk show sucked, he had a bit part in Old School, and now, according to The Onion, he wanders around Sportscenter under the influence. So there you go, that’s all I know.

This month, my favorite search string is “38d tits being fucked.” Hey guy, you’re at the wrong site unfortunately. If you know where I can find some 38d tits being fucked, drop a comment and send me a link. Sounds fun.

I’m also getting a lot of hits from morons trying to buy fake ID’s on the internet. I was thinking, maybe I should just “sell” them myself. Look you fucking morons, DON’T BUY A FAKE ID OFF THE INTERNET. Jesus Fucking Christ. This is NOT a good idea. Here’s what you do: if you’re in college, ask around. It’s not that hard. Not that I’m promoting buying a fake ID. But seriously, what kind of fucking idiots buy a fake ID off the internet and get angry when they get ripped off? Hey, do you want a fake ID? Email me for my Paypal account and I’ll hook you up. Totally.

I think Billy Valentine, the wonderful life-saving Catholic he is Googled himself and found me. Or maybe just someone posing as him. Either way it’s kinda sad.

This month I also got “Cooper Manning Gay Porn Star.” Um, I don’t think Cooper Manning, eldest of the Manning brothers, is a gay porn star. I could be wrong. Now Eli on the other hand…

I also got “Billy Volek Jewish.” Don’t know how that ended up here but here’s some advice for those of you looking for professional jewish athletes: stop the search. They don’t exist. However, if you’re looking for a jewish accountant or lawyer, I can hook you up.

“Adam Rowe Wikipedia.” Just confusing. Rowe, are you googling yourself for a Wikipedia entry? I’d like to write that actually….

Ok, that is all.

Dear Mr. Snyder,

What’s up?  How’s it going man?  Feeling good today?  What’s it like being a billionaire?  I bet it’s pretty goddamn awesome.  Hey, is it fun hanging with Tom Cruise?  He seems a little bit nutso to me, but hey, who am I to judge?  Do you like owning the Washington Redskins?  I bet that’s pretty fun.

Oh hey, about that…is it really cool to anger your entire fan base by getting rid of the one person who should most obviously take over as head coach?  Is that really fun?  I bet it must be awesome to take several million people and make the ones that don’t already hate you want to punch you in the face.  That must be sweet.

So seriously dickwad, what the fuck were you thinking?  I know you think that you and your man Vinnie Cerrato know everything about football, but here’s some news that you might find interesting: you don’t know shit.  Hey, I was on your side for a really long time.  Redskins fans have hated you since you took over the team.  They think you’re meddling and egomaniacal and don’t know what’s best for the team.  And for a really long time, I didn’t agree.  I thought you were great for football.  Unlike a lot of other owners that run pro teams, you’ve never been scared to open up the checkbook to bring in “stars.”  I said, “Hey, I kinda like that Dan Snyder.”

Well not anymore.

You fucking suck.  You do.  You are a giant piece of shit and you obviously don’t know shit about football.  Seriously, what are you thinking?  “Oh hey, here’s a guy that’s had a top ten defense in three out of the past four seasons.  The players love and respect him and opposing coaches have nothing but great things to say about his defense.  You know what though?  Fuck him.  I’ve heard great things about that Jim Fassel guy.”

Are you fucking retarded?  How did you ever make hundreds of millions of dollars?  Are you having a good time pissing off every single Redskins fan?  What about your own players?  Is it a super awesome time telling them that continuity is for bitches and you’re going to change everything?

Listen up you fucking jackass - the Skins made the playoffs twice in the past three years.  Not a lot of other football teams can say that.  Sure, we didn’t win a Super Bowl.  We didn’t even make it to a conference championship.  But we were building something.  Do you know what that even means, you thickheaded douchebag?  Did you see what Todd Collins was able to do under a system he had played in for like ten years?  Did you see the progress that Jason Campbell was making this year?  Did you see how much our defense stepped up this year, especially after the best player on our team got killed?  Do you have eyes?  What the fuck is wrong with you?

Mr. Snyder, you should do all of us Redskins fans a favor and sell the team.  You are a giant piece of shit.

Go fuck yourself,

Jordan

So the other night, for the first time ever, I performed some stand-up comedy.

Before you watch the video (if you watch the video) here’s a little background:

The open-mic starts at 10:00.  I didn’t go on until about 12:30.  That’s two and a half hours later, for those of you bad with math.  By 12:30, I was no longer nervous or worried.  I was fucking tired.  As was anyone left at the club.

Also, while the place starts out with about 100 or so spectators and fellow performers, by the time I went on there were roughly 7 people left, including my friend from work, the bartender, and the waitress.  So there’s two reasons you don’t hear a lot of laughs - 1) I probably wasn’t that funny and 2) There was nobody there to laugh even if I was any good.

But was it a good experience?  Yes, I’m glad I got up on stage.  Will I do it again?  Absolutely, but never again at 12:30 at night.  I’ll probably go back next week and try to get on the list earlier.  I might do the same routine with a few tweaks, I might do something else totally new.  I don’t know.  I think the material is good but my delivery and timing was definitely off which I blame mostly on exhaustion.
But anyway, if you do watch, give me a break.  I was exhausted and this was my first try at this ever.  With all that said, here’s the video (oh, language definitely NSFW):

From the post (with my comments):

Billy Valentine, whose parents met as activists in the 1980s, was virtually born into the “pro-life” movement. Now the earnest college student from Alexandria is carrying on their message with a twist: persuading other young men to take responsibility and “stand up for life” when their girlfriends become pregnant.

Okay Billy Valentine.  Jesus Christ, where did you get a name like that?  You sound like a country singer from 1972.

“As a sidewalk counselor, I wait outside abortion clinics until the men come out to use their cellphones. I tell them I’m not there to judge them. I’m there to help,” said Valentine, 20, one of about 800 participants in the District yesterday for the annual conference of Students for Life of America. “Sometimes they break down and cry and go back and bring out their girlfriends to reconsider.”

Yeah, okay.  Here’s an idea - why don’t you just stay out of people’s personal lives?  I’m sure that Joe and Jill Abortion don’t want your fucking opinion on something that has nothing at all to do with you.

Ellie Baum, a student at Purdue University who rode 14 hours in a bus to attend the conference at the Catholic University of America, said she was inspired to join the antiabortion movement after witnessing the birth of her sister’s child three years ago.

“From that experience, I realized there was no difference between a child after it’s born and when it’s in the mother’s womb. It made me really passionate about this issue,” said Baum, 20, an engineering major from Wisconsin. “Every day, as many people die from abortion as the number who died in 9/11. We have to stop it.”

No, you really did not just say all of that.  I think the only part she left out of that quote was “Oh, did I mention that I’m mentally retarded?”  Seriously, there’s no difference between a child after it’s born than when it’s still inside the mother’s womb?  Actually, there’s a world of difference.  And the comparison between abortion and 9/11…fuck that’s so like a pro-life asshole to think.

Despite the steady drop in abortions across the United States in the three decades since the Supreme Court legalized the procedure in 1973 in the case of Roe v. Wade, a new generation of activists is taking up the cause with conviction and sophistication. There are Students for Life chapters on more than 400 college campuses nationwide.

This week, thousands of activists are gathering in Washington for the annual March for Life tomorrow afternoon. The event will cap three days of speeches, prayer vigils, Masses and other activities across the city.

The campus conference hall buzzed with intensity yesterday. Clusters of students chatted near displays of literature while motivational speakers offered tips on how to lobby members of Congress and recruit on campuses.

Hey, this country is totally fucked up, but you know one thing that we’ve got right?  It’s called freedom (or at least the freedom that our wonderful government still allows us to have).  It’s this freedom that allows a woman to own her own body and not be commanded by the government on what to do if she gets pregnant.  Hey, you’re pro-life?  Great!  So when you get pregnant, keep the baby and raise it to be retarded also.  That’s fine, that’s your choice.  But stop trying to take away even more of our wonderful freedom, seriously.

Many students were Catholics. Some were well versed in antiabortion slogans and statistics; others were shy and tentative. Their presidential choice seemed to be Republican Mike Huckabee, who has expressed more conservative views on abortion than any other candidate.

Shocking.

A common theme was the need to focus on the challenges of being a mother. Several participants said the antiabortion movement has evolved in that direction, partly to counter criticism that it was indifferent to the hardships of raising a child in poverty or alone.

That’s actually the first good paragraph I’ve read.  Yes Pro-Lifers, how exactly do you plan on raising the millions of extra babies that will be born to poor and unwed mothers when you overturn Roe v Wade?  Can we put them all in your house?

“In pro-choice circles, people tend to talk about abortion casually, like getting a manicure or an appendectomy. But it is a procedure that takes one life and leaves another one irreparably damaged,” said Cayce Utley, a speaker from Feminists for Life. “We can’t say we care about the baby and not care about the mom.”

Yeah, it’s true.  Just today I was like “Hey Sally, how was that abortion the other day?” And she was all “Well it was okay but my normal abortion doctor wasn’t in so I had to use someone else and I didn’t really like the work he did.”  And I was like, “Oh man, that’s too bad.  Hopefully he’ll be back the next time.”

Students from several colleges said they were involved in groups that help young mothers find housing, clothing and other necessities if they decide to bear a child. Male students, who made up about half the participants, spoke of the need for unmarried fathers to take responsibility.

That’s great guys, I’m so happy that you think that the American Male Population is made of so many stand-up guys.  Hey, you know what else is awesome?  Jesus.  Oh, and the world being 5,000 years old.  That kicks ass.

“The first person a girl listens to is the father, so you have a big responsibility to help her. You can’t just ditch her,” said Tom Dougan, 20, an engineering student who was part of a five-bus caravan to Washington from Indiana.

I agree Tom.  I do.  I really want to live in your imaginary world, it must be nice.  Do they have Chipotle’s on every corner?  That would kick ass!

Valentine, who is majoring in human life studies at a Catholic college in Ohio, said that every time he and his friends persuade a young woman not to have an abortion, they throw her a baby shower to make sure she and the newborn start out with the necessities.

That’s so nice Billy Valentine!  Do you babysit?  Do you buy several years worth of diapers?  Food?  What about just going over every day to help out around the house?  Oh, you don’t?  Well, then I assume you also give her $250,000, the general cost of raising a child through age 18.  No?  You don’t do that either?  Oh man, that’s a bummer.

He noted that the antiabortion movement is becoming predominantly youthful while the abortion rights movement is aging. “This conference shows that the youth are not the future of the pro-life movement,” he said. “We are the movement.”

I am so tired of this shit.  It’s like George Carlin once said, these people aren’t Pro-Life.  They’re anti-woman.  This shit makes me so fucking angry.

At the start of the 4th quarter in the Chargers/Colts game, they honored a bunch of kids who won the NFL’s punt, pass, and run competition or whatever the hell it’s called.  Each  kid represented their favorite team and they went down the line as Greg Gumble read each kids’ name out loud over the stadium PA.
When he got to the 14 YEAR OLD GIRL who was there representing the New England Patriots, the Indy crowd BOOED her mercilessly.

“FUCK YOU 14 YEAR OLD GIRL WHO LIKES THE PATRIOTS AND CAN’T HELP THE FACT THAT YOU’RE FROM NEW HAMPSHIRE AND IT’S YOUR HOME TEAM!  FUCK!  YOU!”

And that’s why I love sports.

I love this new anti-drug commercial!  It’s the one where the girl is talking on the phone and she’s like “Whoa whoa whoa, slow down!  How’d she get a picture of me?  That must have been Saturday night…I was sooo high…” and then she looks really sad.

What I love about this commercial is that it leaves it totally open ended as to what the picture was of, but it must be something really bad because she’s so distraught.

But it’s not like she was drunk.  No, she was high.  Sooo high.  So I can only assume the picture was of her sitting on the couch with a bag of chips.  Oh no!  I hope all my friends don’t see this!

Seriously, people make much, much worse decisions under the influence of alcohol than weed.  Alcohol - “Hey, I’m not drunk!  Let’s go for a drive!” Weed - “Man, I’m fucked up.  Let’s just sit here and watch television.”

I think she’ll get over it.

About a month and a half ago when I first saw the promos for the new American Gladiators, my initial reaction was “That is fucking spectacular!”

About three and a half minutes ago when I finished watching hour one of the two hour premiere of the new American Gladiators, my initial reaction was “I can’t believe I just wasted an hour watching the new American Gladiators.”

In trying to describe just how bad it was, several words come to mind and I don’t know which one to choose. Abominably bad? Shockingly bad? Appallingly bad? How about I just pull a cell phone commercial and call it Abominockinapally Bad. It was horrible. To paraphrase the 40 Year Old Virgin, “I’d rather watch Beautician and the Beast.”
When I was a kid, I fucking loved American Gladiators. But why? It was campy, it was fun, and it had guys named Nitro shooting tennis balls out of a cannon and a bunch of doofuses. It also came on Saturday mornings when there was nothing else on television and not on PRIME TIME where it’s possibly the DUMBEST SHOW OF ALL TIME. Wait, I take that back. Deal or No Deal is still on television. I’m actually quite convinced that Deal or No Deal is going to be the death of this civilization. But anyway, American Gladiators was perfect for Saturday morning. Prime Time? No sir. No, somewhere Nitro is slitting his wrists.
On a quick side note, the original American Gladiators also used to air right after WWF Superstars, which as far as I know was the only wrestling show on television in the late 80’s/early 90’s. Does anyone else remember WWF Superstars? Here’s what sucked about Superstars - it was nothing like wrestling is today where on the weekly shows, real wrestlers “fight” each other. It was always someone like Randy The Macho Man Savage against some schmoe named Jimmy Smith or some shit. Hmmm, who do you think is going to win - Randy The Macho Man Savage or Jimmy Smith? What about the Ultimate Warrior vs. Scotty Johnson? Or Mr. Perfect vs. Tim Jones? I always wondered what those guys did as a day job and if they felt bad that they had to get the shit kicked out of them every day. One time one of those guys almost won. Almost.

But back to American Gladiators from tonight. Basically, it was completely horrible. First off, one of the female competitors got injured in the first event when she slipped and fell. That’s right. She slipped and fell and got knocked out of the competition. And then in the second event, one of the gladiators hurt himself swinging on some rings.

Are you fucking kidding me? I can’t remember one instance in the original where anyone ever got hurt, which was quite remarkable considering the contenders were always outweighed by the gladiators by like 500 pounds.

And what about the names of the new gladiators? Militia? Justice? There’s also this new gladiator named Wolf, who might be mentally retarded. Apparently he always howls and it’s supposed to be…cool?
Gladiator arena also pumps in more crowd noise than Qwest Field. Seriously, I can’t imagine anyone showing up to a taping of this show and be like “THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME! I’M GOING TO SCREAM MY GODDAMN HEAD OFF! SOMEONE GET ME SOME FUCKING RED BULL!” I also just loved how various audience members were holding up signs that were obviously given to them before the taping with various slogans like “Koya The Destroya.” I know nobody spent the five minutes and three dollars to make that thing. Maybe back in 1989. But not today.

And the commentating, oh dear god the commentating. The commentating is all done by some faceless and nameless announcer who says things like “That’s gotta hurt!” Let me put it to you like this - the commentary basically sounds like what you hear when you played Madden 01 on the Playstation. He’s got about 30 different sayings that he uses over and over until you decide to finally hit the mute button.

I really could not make it through hour two, even though I was hopeful that they hadn’t found a way to ruin Assault, my favorite event. This show was just…just terrible. Really terrible. Abominockinapally Bad.

Oh, and Hulk Hogan and Leyla Ali…Jesus Fucking Christ. You want some real hosts? Where the fuck is Mike Adamle? I know that guy isn’t up to shit. You couldn’t have dug him up instead? And the “interviews”…fuck me, they sound more rehearsed than lines from Date My Mom.

Shame on me for thinking this might have been decent. I really, really hate myself and NBC right now.

After the first chick got injured, she was interviewed by Leyla Ali or Hulk Hogan (I honestly can’t remember because I was bleeding out of my eyes) and she said something like “I don’t feel too bad about being knocked out of the competition, there’s always next season.”

God I hope not.

So when I started at my (not so much new anymore) job, I managed to convince one of my female co-workers that I was gay.  This lasted for over a month.  The sad part is that I didn’t have to change my behavior whatsoever to do this.  I’m not entirely sure what that says about me, except that I’m easily passable as a gay man.  Maybe it’s that I can talk celebrity gossip like a woman.  Maybe it’s that I watch Project Runway and like critiquing women’s fashion.  Maybe it’s just that I just love having sex with other men.  I don’t know.  That last statement is not actually true, I rather don’t enjoy sex with other men, in fact I kind of hate it.  But seriously, I’m not gay.

But back when I was still living in Maryland and waiting tables, pretty much half of my friends were gay and I spent a lot of time hanging out with them at gay bars and clubs downtown.  My experience hanging out at these places taught me one thing and one thing only: being gay is AWESOME!!  Sure, they have pretty much no rights in this country.  They can’t get married (way overrated anyway from what I hear), they can’t legally adopt a child together (at least in Texas), they constantly have to deal with hatred and bigotry.  But here’s where being gay totally kicks ass: as a (pretend) gay man, I can go out to just about any gay bar or club and drink for free!

Seriously, as a (pretend) gay man, I would get hit on and offered free drinks all the time.  Hey, being (pretend) gay is pretty sweet!

Going out to gay bars did have some drawbacks though.  For instance, sometimes being hit on by gay dudes is just kind of annoying.  One time this guy came up to me and said “Hey, you look just like my ex-boyfriend.  Can I buy you a drink?”  Um, no.  You can’t.  First of all buddy, I am completely and utterly out of your league.  Second of all, this has to be the worst line I’ve ever heard.  Who wants to hear that I look like your ex?  Is that supposed to be a compliment?

The thing that I never really understood is that normally when I went out to gay bars, I don’t know how I was ever even confused as being gay anyway.  99% of the time I was the most sloppily dressed and unkempt person there.  I think the only way I could have looked less gay at these places is if I wore a sandwich board sign that said “NOT GAY.”

But nevertheless, I guess when you walk into a gay bar everyone just sort of assumes that you’re a homosexual.  Especially when you’re offering free blowjobs in the bathroom.

Really though, being gay rules.  I mean, where else can I go out and be offered free drinks by bartenders?  Normally when I go out to a bar downtown (in DC or Austin), it takes me a half hour to get a bartenders attention because I don’t have a vagina.  But in gay bars, it’s like exactly the opposite of that.  Not only can I flirt my way to a free drink (oh that’s right, I have no shame), but I can also score a wink and a phone number!  Being gay kicks ass!

And if I were gay, I would be getting laid like, a lot.  I mean, I know the stereotype is that a lot of gay men are promiscuous.  I’m not necessarily saying that’s true, but I am saying that if I were gay I would be having A LOT of sex.  With A LOT of different people.  How can you not?  It’s just so easy!

Man, I wish I was gay.

Um, I don’t know about other parts of the country, but down here in Austin I swear to Jesus every other commercial is that fucking ridiculous JG Wentworth commercial where everyone is screaming “IT’S MY MONEY, AND I NEED IT NOW!”

Are you all getting this in the rest of the country?  Where the fuck did these commercials come from?  Do people really scream out the money that they need money now?  And who the fuck is the old man in all these commercials?  Is he JG Wentworth?

Anyway, these commercials are driving me batshit crazy.  I can’t take it anymore.  I want to call them up and scream “It’s my television, get the fuck off of it now!”

When it comes to quality, the JG Wentworth commercials rank right up there with Eastern Motors (DC folks only will get this reference), and those old commercials for EZ Home Mortgage that only I seem to ever remember.

Well, that’s about all.  Die JG Wentworth!