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And at least this bit is really funny.

A comment from my last post about people praying in Texadelphia (for the record, anyone that comments on my page needs to be “approved” by me before it shows up. I never, under any circumstances block people’s comments no matter how stupid they are or how much I might disagree with them. There’s no way for me to make it so I don’t have to approve new people, it’s just the way Wordpress is setup as far as I know):

“Dude…….. I used to think like you do. I thank God I don’t anymore.

& Use a spell checker for Christ’s sake… you type like a fuggin moron.

-Tim Jones”

Thanks Tim! A god-loving guy like you must feel special calling a complete stranger (me) a “fuggin moron.” And also a nice use of “for Christ’s sake.” I guess maybe you’re not too religious.

In any case, I’m not sure what was spelled wrong in that last post…my grammar is usually pretty good and at least better than nearly all of the other writing I read every day. It’s too bad that you don’t think the way I do anymore, because I’m a pretty smart guy. Who the fuck are you?

I’ve never really been comfortable with people praying. Especially people who say grace before meals. Maybe it’s because I was raised jewish and saying grace isn’t something we do, but the whole thing seems just a bit ridiculous to me.

I mention this because today I went to lunch at Texadelphia, which is this chain cheese steak place here in Austin. As I was waiting for my food, I noticed a family who had just gotten their food, sitting down at their table, eyes closed, holding hands and saying grace.

And as I was watching them, it struck me the hilarity of what they might be saying. “Dear Lord, thank you for these cheese steaks that you have delivered to us. You’ve melted the cheese perfectly and the curly fries look delicious as well. Amen.”

The thing that annoys me about saying grace, praying, and religion in general, is that it leads to the belief that you have no control over you life. That some higher being, God if you will, ultimately controls your destiny.

I wanted to go over to this family and be like, “Yeah, um, so you know that your cheesesteaks were cooked by some Mexican guy named Paco and God had nothing to do with it. Why are you thanking God for your Texadelphia lunch? Does God work 40 hours a week so he can put food on your table?”

Religious people, to me, just don’t get it. Why do people want to believe that God has all the power over their lives? God doesn’t make decisions for you. You do. God doesn’t work hard so you can afford to feed your family and give them a place to live. God didn’t create Texadelphia or cook your cheesesteak. Some Mexican guy named Paco did.

Look, if you want to pray and thank God for your Texadelphia, that’s fine. But then you should also thank God when he gives your mother cancer, or he kills your brother in a car accident. You should thank God when your favorite basketball team loses or when God gives you herpes. If God controls everything, then he’s done these things too, right?

Anyway, I could go on but I’m sure I’ve already offended everyone who reads this.

Man, I think the last time I felt this way about a dunk contest was back in 2000 when Vince Carter tore the roof off.  Dwight Howard threw down the sickest dunks possibly ever last night.

I don’t know if this has made national news or not, but I read this article in the Washington Post last night about some high school football player in Nevada named Kevin Hart who had a press conference the other day to announce his intention of accepting a scholarship to the University of California.  The problem?  The University of California never heard of him.  Nor was the University of Oregon, the University of Illinois, or the other half dozen schools he said he was being recruited to.

The press conference was big news because Kevin Hart was going to be the first kid ever from his high school to play Division 1 football.

Not surprisingly, the news today is that he made the whole thing up.  Yes, HE MADE THE WHOLE THING UP!  Now, to me, this is comedy.  I mean, it sucks for the kid that his organized football playing days are over.  But it’s hilarious that he decided “fuck that shit, nobody will ever find out if I tell everyone I’m being recruited to play D1!”

Well, they did.  Every college he said he was being recruited to came out and said they’d never heard of the kid.  And then the police got involved.

Here’s my question though - where are this kid’s parents?  Where’s his football coach?  Are you going to tell me that none of these people knew that he was making the whole thing up?  Did everyone think that if Kevin “accepted” a “scholarship” to California, the football team there would be like “Hey, I don’t remember recruiting this kid, but I guess we must have offered him a scholarship!”  I’m pretty sure that D1 football programs keep some kind of records regarding kids they’re recruiting.  I don’t know, just a thought.

My point though, is that I can’t completely blame this kid.  He probably told a few friends, and then they probably told a few people, and then the whole thing probably spiraled out of control to the point where he’s calling a press conference.  But you cannot tell me that his parents and or his coach didn’t know what was going on.  I fail to believe that.

But I think this whole thing is pretty awesome.  It gives me hope.  Maybe I’ll start leading fake lives.  Maybe I’ll march into work tomorrow and tell my boss “I got a job offer to be the president of Microsoft.  They’re offering me a $500,000 starting salary and if you don’t match it, I’m walking.”  Although, I’m thinking I know how that will go…maybe I’ll call a press conference first.

Posted yesterday under an older post about retards who try to buy fake ID’s on the internet:

“Just and FYI it is 100% LEGAL to sell fake id’s as long as they have a replica sticker or replica printed on them. So you definitely look like a dumb ass now.”

Ignoring the punctuation errors and typo, let’s break down this genius comment.

More likely than not, this braniac found his way to my blog because he was looking to buy a fake ID on the internet.  Either that or he was searching for Craig Kilborn.  So the rest of this post is directed at nameless commenter.

Hey Guy, why would you buy a fake ID that has the word ‘replica’ on it?  I’m not going to bother looking up the legality of that, because I don’t especially care.  For what reason would you ever go on the internet and think “Hey, I’m going to buy a fake ID that says it’s a fake ID!”  What are you using this for?  Is this so you can go to the store and buy a case of O’Douls?  Is the REPLICA fake ID so you can get into PG-13 movies?  If you find your way back to my blog here, I’d love to hear your answer.

Yeah, I really feel like a dumb ass…

I just watched Huckabee make a speech that made me groan or roll my eyes no less than five times.  Listen up you retard who doesn’t believe in evolution - you will never, EVER be the president of this country.  Yes, most Americans are morons, but we’re not dumb enough to make you the president.

And Jesus Christ, I hate when he says things like “we’re going to support the American culture of life….” Culture of life?  How many wars has the USA been involved in in the past 250 years?  Culture of life?  Jesus Christ.

Shut the fuck up already.

But here’s something I forgot.  I read the other day that JJ Redick wants to be traded out of Orlando.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Oh JJ.  Does this guy think he’s got any pull whatsoever?

JJ, who barely plays, has appeared in 62 games, averaging 12 minutes a game, and averages 5 points in those minutes.

Oh, poor JJ…is it now just striking you that you will never get any playing time regardless of where you go?  Why don’t you just shut the fuck up, collect your 3 million dollar paycheck, and when your contract is up, you can either go play in Europe somewhere or maybe sell real estate.  Or better yet, you can go be an assitant to Coach K.

Remember folks, you heard it here first - JJ Redick = Trajan Langdon.

Meet the Spartans was the #1 movie in America last week.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  WHO THE FUCK SPENT $8 TO GO SEE THIS MOVIE?

Fuck.

I love Improv Everywhere.  I think my favorite so far was the Best Buy one from a few years back, but this is pretty awesome too.  I know nobody ever watches my videos, but this is only two minutes long.  Watch it, enjoy.

Hey Kwame Brown, good news and bad news.

The good news is that you’re no longer going to be booed by the home fans in LA!  Cool.

The bad news is that you’re going to be booed by your new home fans in Memphis.

The good news is that you don’t have to worry about pissing off Kobe Bryant anymore because you are horrible.

The bad news is that you have to move to Memphis.

The good news is that your contract expires at the end of this year!

The bad news is that you’ll be lucky to get more than a mid-level exception from any team.

The good news is that the Grizzlies don’t have a lot of fans, so there’s not that many people left to boo you!

The bad news is that you might be put back into a starting lineup, a new and wonderful opportunity for more failure.

Oh, more bad news - people are referring to you as “an expiring contract” and not “Kwame Brown.”  That’s not good.

The good news is that after the season is over, some team is going to be dumb enough to sign your for a couple more millions of dollars.

The bad news is that when that happens you’re going to end up on your 4th team in seven seasons in the NBA.  More bad news - that will be the fourth fan base that will end up booing you mercilessly at every home game.

So as you can see, it’s a mixed bag.

Just a few things that I thought of today.

1) Didn’t even think of it until last night, but um, isn’t it sort of customary for the vice-president to run for president?   I think it’s kind of telling about how awful our executive branch of government is that Dick Cheney decided at some point “fuck it, I don’t have a goddamn chance in hell.”  That’s funny.  And sad for us as Americans.

2) I read a quote today from Mike Huckabee from a debate the other night where he basically said “As the governor of Arkansas I’ve fought for smaller government, the right to life and the sanctity of marriage.”  Here’s something I’ve never understood.  By limiting a woman’s RIGHT to choose and limiting WHO can get married…isn’t that bigger government?  Isn’t that more government telling you how you can live your life?  Can someone please explain to me how this is supposed to go hand in hand with “smaller government?”   Republicans are stupid.