So the big news today is that the Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer was busted for being tied to a “prostitution ring.” And this is the kind of news that I love, but probably for different reasons than most people.
First of all, the way the news has made this sound at least upon my first reading, it sounded like the guy was running the thing. I mean, the headline in the Washington Post today is “NY Governor Eliot Spitzer Tied to Prostitution Ring.” This story would be way more interesting if the guy was like the head pimp or some shit. He wasn’t. He fucked a prostitute. Yawn.
But here’s the shit I like: the so-called prostitution ring, also known as Emperors Club VIP, has a WEBPAGE where you can view pictures of photographs of available women and lists “introduction fees” that range from $1,000 to $5,500 an hour or up to $31,000 a day. Prices are listed in U.S. dollars, British pounds and euros.”
In an earlier version of the article, it also mentioned that the women on the site were ranked from having one star (the lowest) to seven stars (the highest), with the seven star women having asking prices of upwards of $6,000 AN HOUR.
Oh man, where to begin?! First of all, I don’t think this country should be punishing any woman who has found a way to make $6,000 an hour. Period. If you want to fuck strangers for cash and you can pull in 6 G’s an hour, GOOD FOR YOU. I know I can’t get paid to fuck someone for that kind of money. 2 grand, 3 grand tops would be the asking price for me.
But this also begs the question - what kind of shit are these women doing for $6,000 an hour?? Listen, the most I have ever, EVER paid for sex was $18.13 and it wasn’t half bad, so I can’t even fathom was 6 grand gets you. Is it even sex anymore? Shit, if I’m paying a woman $6,000 an hour or $31,000 a day forget the sex! This bitch better be able to give me insider trading tips, go to work for me, take me on a journey through time using her personal flux capacitor, or be made out of solid gold that I can chip away at and keep for later. What the hell kind of sex act is worth that kind of money? All I know is that the clients that were paying for this better have been taking full advantage. I’m talking golden showers, money shots, shit-eating, and all the other disturbing things I’ve ever done…er, seen on the internet.
I also really enjoy the idea of a ranking system. You know, I’ve been saying for years that the thing that’s really been missing from prostitution in this country is an effective ranking system so I know which whores I should be going to. Thank you Emperors Club, you’ve finally done it.
But going back to what I was saying a minute ago, I don’t think that prostitution should be illegal anyway, especially if these women were pulling in that kind of cash. Listen, I’m not going to lie to you, I can’t even begin to describe to you the things I’d allow to be put in my ass for $31,000 a day. Lightbulbs, small animals. champaign bottles, whatever. As long as you’re paying up front, my ass is your’s both figuratively and literally. So let these women do their thing and make their money. Don’t punish them for letting men insert various objects into their rectums for $31,000 a day.
I can only hope this is the wave of the future, where we can all go online and find our very own prostitute who has been ranked by hundreds if not thousands of men who have fucked her. I think it would save us all a lot of time. However, I do worry about the one star women in comparison to the seven stars. Do you think the one star women were going at a rate of like $5.50 an hour? Are the one star women 90 year old women who wear dentures and are able to take out their teeth before they suck…well you get the idea…actually, I might pay extra for that.
Anyway, my final point is that I hope this bust doesn’t ruin Spitzer’s life or the lives of the women who were making thousands of dollars a day for fucking strangers. As George Carlin once said, “Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn’t selling fucking legal?”