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So every day for the past several days, I’ve had to drive over to this house that I’m staying at.  And on my way here, every day, there’s been this “protest” going on at the corner of one of the more major roads over this way.  It’s a bunch of Mexican people, er, Hispanic people holding signs in a mixture of English and Spanish that say things like “Stop rising gas prices” and things like that.

And while I think this is admirable in some way, and while I agree with these protesters that gas prices are outrageous, I don’t know, I guess I don’t really picture OPEC members sitting around a boardroom saying to each other “Hey guys, did you see that protest at Riverside and Pleasant Valley?”  “Yeah Ahmed, I sure did!”  “Well I was thinking, it really got to me!  Gas prices ARE too high!  Let’s lower them immediately to appease the dozen Mexican protesters!”

Sorry, while admirable to some degree, I also think it’s a waste of time.  Sorry guys.

The second quick thing is that while I’m staying at this house, I’m getting my fill of HBO since I don’t have it at home.  Hey, George Carlin has a new HBO Special!  Hey, I can watch Fight Club, a movie I’ve seen a dozen times, but time I don’t even have to get off my ass to load a DVD!  Hey, Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead is on…in…Spanish?  Huh??

This frightens me.  Like, someone took the time to dub Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead into another language.  Were there really that many Spanish speaking people out there saying (in Spanish) “This is totally fucked up!  I want watch this terrible 80’s movie starring Christina Applegate but I have no idea what they’re saying!  I demand this be dubbed into Spanish!”  Seriously, what the fuck?  I guess in Spanish it’s called No Hablo Mama El…Nina Watcher..Esta Muerto…

Goddamn my Spanish is horrible.

So I’m housesitting for some friends of mine this week.  They live on the east side, which here in Austin is known as the “Mexican” part of town.

A quick sidenote before I get back to this story…I always find it amusing (and stupid) when white people refer to any and all Hispanic people as “Mexican.”  Like at home in DC, when a dumb white person refers to a Hispanic person as Mexican, odds are the “Mexican” in question isn’t from Mexico.  In fact, he’s probably from El Salvador, but same note I don’t refer to any Hispanic person at home as being Salvadorian.  But the thing is, down here in Texas, it kind of is a safe bet to think every Latin person is from Mexico.  But even so, it’s still stupid to refer to an entire race of people as Mexican just as stupid as it is to refer to all asian people as “Chinese.”  But anyway, I do live in Austin and this house is in the “Mexican” part of town.

Now, I mention this because everything is a tad bit different over here.  For instance, all the signs in front of businesses here are in Spanish.  And just driving around things seem just a bit…off…

For example, on my way here today I saw a pager store.  A pager store.  In 2008.  People still have pagers?  Who uses a pager?  Is this store just really lazy and hasn’t updated their signage in ten years?

And something else I noticed:  There’s a Church’s Chicken about a mile and a half away that has a sign outside that says “50 Pieces Dark Meat - $60.”

Now this sign weirded me out for two reasons.  1 - It’s in English which is the only sign in English in about 3 miles.  Shouldn’t it say like…ok, I’m not even going to attempt that.  Pollo something or another.  And 2 - WHO THE FUCK IS BUYING 50 PIECES OF FRIED CHICKEN AT THE SAME TIME?  Ok, I can understand if it was like the super bowl or something.  Was there a big soccer…er, football match going on today?  Is Church’s Chicken like “Well these damn Mexicans all have 18 people living in one house, THEY need 50 pieces of fried chicken at once!”  I mean, that’s a shitload of fried chicken.  And don’t get me wrong, I love fried chicken.  But 50 pieces?  That’s a bit much, no?

Ok, that’s all I got.

Hello.  I am back from vacation.

While I was away, I saw this hilariously awesome “news” story on the fake CBS that they show on the cruise ship.  I guess this story was originally from like CBS evening news or something, and it was totally awesome.

In it, some interviewer who must completely hate himself, met some 12 year old kid whose name I forgot - so let’s call him Timmy.  Timmy isn’t like your average 12 year old boy.  He doesn’t like sports or reading.  He’s not interested in girls.  No, Timmy loves vacuums!  And I mean it - Timmy LOVES vacuums!

They showed pictures of Timmy as young as one year old, standing up next to a vacuum.  By age 2, Timmy was dressing up as a vacuum for Halloween which then continued…EVERY YEAR.

Now, Timmy spends his afternoons vacuuming his entire house over and over.  When he’s not vacuuming his own house, he spends his time vacuuming his neighbor’s houses for cash which he uses to purchase, you get it, child pornography.  No, just kidding.  He buys more vacuums of course.  In fact, Timmy owns over 100 different vacuums and they’re starting to take up his entire house.  The only room that does NOT have any vacuums in it at all times is his poor sister’s room.  The hopeless interviewer asked her some questions too.  “Yeah, I don’t really get it.” she said.  Yeah…

So, my thoughts because I didn’t make any of that up…

First of all, I think it’s safe to say that this kid is never, EVER going to get laid.  Believe me, I’ve used the “Hey baby, you wanna come see my vacuum collection?” line and it NEVER works.  It’s almost as bad as “Do you want to see my refrigerator,” except I know a guy from college who ACTUALLY got away with that.  Trust me Timmy, no girl is ever going to fuck you to get closer to your vacuum collection.

Second of all, WHAT THE FUCK?  What the fuck is wrong with this kid?  What the fuck is wrong with this kid’s parents?  What the fuck is with CBS news airing this as an actual story?  And what the fuck is wrong with the universe?  I don’t think this is the kind of behavior that should be ENCOURAGE let alone BROADCAST ON NATIONAL TELEVISION NEWS.  This kid is going to have some serious detachment issues (or maybe ATTACHMENT ISSUES, get it, get it?) as get get older.  Sorry, I couldn’t resist the pun.  At least I didn’t say that Timmy really sucks.

And CBS news?  Really?  We’ve got gas prices nearing $4, a presidential election, a never-ending war, the NBA playoffs, a near nuclear Iran, and maybe, I don’t know, a billion more interesting and relevant things going on, and you’re going to run a story about a KID WHO LOVES VACUUMS?

I weep for our society.

Hey, I am going on vacation for a week.  I know, I know, right when I started writing again.  Sue me.  I’ll be back to updating upon my return.

**HERE BE SPOILERS IF YOU CONSIDER AN ENDING YOU COULD ALREADY GUESS A SPOILER**

I was lucky enough to see this movie last week for free at an early premiere here in Austin.  I have a friend who is on some list where she’s always getting to see free movies before they come out and she invited me to this one, which I was happy to go see since all of the these recent movies (40 Year old Virgin, Superbad, Knocked Up, etc) have been pretty funny.

And I have to say, this movie was no different.  BUT…

I have a few serious problems with this movie.  The first being that the shlub who plays Peter would ever be able to get with Kristen Bell or Mila Kunis in real life.  Are you kidding me?  In the movie, he plays the guy who makes the music for this lame cop show that Sarah Marshall is in, which leads us to believe that this is how they met.  I’m sorry, but, really?  She’s going for him?  He’s not particularly good looking, he supposedly doesn’t make much money, and his apartment appears to be the size of one of my college dorm rooms.
Okay, so then she dumps him to get with some super famous singer (which is way more realistic), and when he goes to Hawaii to take a break from it all, he then goes on to bag Mila Kunis (who is way, way hotter than Kristen Bell).

Really?  So this random hotel worker in Hawaii goes for schlubby losers who aren’t over their ex-girlfriend?

Okay, whatever, I get it’s a movie but this whole thing would be a lot more believable if instead of Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis, these characters were played by like…Rhea Perlman and the lady who played Mona on Who’s the Boss.  That, I would believe.

Anyway, obviously enough, Peter ends up with Mila Kunis in the end, which is ridiculous for so many reasons.

But, the movie is really, really funny and I’d recommend seeing it.

One of these days I’m making my anti-Hollywood movie, like my remake of the Karate Kid where Daniel gets his ass handed to him at the end of the movie by Johnny and Mr. Miyagi is deported to Okinawa.

My roommate Amanda fucking LOVES Family Fued (on like eight times a day on the Game Show Network) and sometimes I find myself watching with her.  And I have to say, sometimes the show is really goddamn awesome.

For instance, we were watching the other day and the category was “Name Something Women do that Starts With the Letter C.”

The answers were:

Cook

Clean

Cry

Chat

Criticize

Complain

Too.  Awesome.

Look, I don’t know what women-hating men they asked this question to, but I think they should only use this sample of people for questions.

Family Feud also makes me laugh because I feel like the people who host the show must really, really hate themselves.  In fact, you might remember that Ray Combs actually killed himself.  How much of that was because of the Feud, I don’t know.  But like the episodes that GSN is showing now are hosted by Al from Home Improvement and I swear every time he throws it to commercial break he might as well be like “We’ll be right back with more Feud!  That is, if I don’t hang myself in the Green Room during the break!”

I mean, that’s gotta be a pretty big step backwards in one’s acting career, right?  You go from being the co-host on America’s favorite fictional home repair show, Tool Time, to hosting one of America’s stalest and most terrible game shows that should have stopped airing 15 or 20 years ago.  How’d his agent pitch this to him?

Agent: “Hey, guy who played Al on Home Improvement, great news!”

Guy who played Al: What is it?  Are we doing a spin-off Home Improvement starring me, the Guy who played Al?

Agent: Not quite.  But it IS a tv show starring you!

Guy who played Al: That’s awesome!

Agent: Yeah, it is.  You’re going to be the next host of the Family Feud!

Guy who played Al: Oh…

And let’s all hope we can forget the Louie Anderson years.  Fuck those were bad times.

Anyway, I have no real way to end this.

Real quick update number 2 -

A short Talk Sex With Sue Recap from last night’s show:

First there was the woman who asked if giving blowjobs will give her gingivitis.  Sue always gets these calls from retards who think that sucking cock will make them fat, make their teeth white, make them horny, make their tits bigger, make them win the lottery, make them convert to satanism, whatever.  Listen you dumbasses - sucking cock will do nothing for you except maybe give you a bad reputation.  Or good.  I guess it depends on how good you are at sucking cock.

Then there was the guy who talked about this “massage parlor” he goes to where they offer handjobs after the massage and he wanted to know if he could get a disease from it.  A disease from a handjob.  First, who gets a handjob?  And second, who gets a handjob?  And sue was like “Um, no.  go for it!”  and i wanted to be like, um, Sue, you do realize that’s illegal and technically makes this guy a John, right?  But no, Sue’s just like “that sounds great!”  Hey Sue, I’m glad you’re all for free love and all, but when you’re paying for it, it’s not free love.  It’s called prostitution.  And while I think those laws should change, it’s still currently illegal.

Then this guy named, get this, La Baron, calls in.  La Baron.  As in, I drive John Voight’s La Baron.  Anyway, La Baron (who is gay) wants to know if it’s safe to put RAW MEAT inside his boyfriend.  Sue’s like “are you gonna eat it afterwards?”  Then they had a whole conversation about why he should put a condom on a bratwurst if he plans on eating it afterwards.  Because I guess some people don’t realize that your ASSHOLE is where SHIT comes out of and YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT SHIT.  Where do these people come from?

Then there was the lady who called in asking if penis enlargement pills worked.  When sue said no, she was like “what about working it out?” and sue says “honey, it’s not a muscle.”  Although it did make me picture a piece of gym equipment that guys could walk up to and work out their cocks to make them bigger.  There’d probably be a long line for that machine…a really long line.  “Excuse me, are you in line for the cock builder?”  “I sure am!”  I think they should design this.  It could be like a giant block with a hole in the center that you could stick your dick through and have to lift.  They could call it the “cock blocker.”

Then, this guy calls in and asks if it’s safe when he wears 12 COCK RINGS AT THE SAME TIME FOR TWO HOURS.  Um, no, it’s not.  What the fuck?  And besides, how long is this guy’s dick that he can wear 12 cock rings at the same time?  At most, MOST, I can only put on nine at a time.  Who is this guy?  Stretch Armstrong?

Then this other guy calls in and asks how he can make his ejaculate shot longer.  Like, distance long.  Like he’s trying to hit a target across the room.

And finally, this idiot lady calls in and asks if her boyfriend comes in her ass if it will make her butt bigger.  I’ll say that again - she wants to know if when her boyfriend comes in her ass, if it will make her butt bigger.  I would have been like “Maybe, what’s it doing to your mouth?”

Anyway, that is all.

i weep for the education in this country.

Quick update,
Sorry folks, it’s been forever since I’ve written. I guess I’m just busy with work…and…um, okay I’m not going to lie. I don’t do much of anything and I have no excuse.

However, I did just approve a comment from some person I don’t know that said “I miss you, please write.” And it kinda made me sad because you’re right. I haven’t updated in forever. I think of things I want to mention and then I just never do it. I feel like I’ve done this a lot but I am promising to update more. Again. Seriously. It’s just tough when a lot of what I’d want to write about involves work (not funny to you and probably better off if I didn’t mention). I just…nothing’s struck me too much lately that I’d want to mention I guess.