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It’s time once again to play the fun game, Jordan Alienates Most of His Readership, by once again looking back on another NBA Draft, this time from the year 2000 (cue music).

In an on-going effort to decide the best and worst drafts of all time leading up to the 2008 draft in just a few weeks, I give you my review of the 2000 draft:

Pick #1: Kenyon Martin.

Fun Fact: Kenyon Martin was the last four year senior to be drafted number 1 overall.  Pretty amazing.  It’s pretty crazy to think that Martin has been in the NBA for eight years now having traveled from the New Jersey Nets to the Denver Nuggets.  It’s also pretty crazy to think that given all the hype surrounding Martin when he was drafted that his career line looks like this: 14.5 ppg, 7.2 rbg, a little over 1 block per game and a grand total of one All-Star appearance.  You’d like to get more than that out of a number one.  I wouldn’t call the guy a bust, though he’s been injury prone for a good part of his career, but he’s definitely not what you hope for with the number one pick.  Still, better than Kwame Brown.  At least he’s nowhere near as bad as

Pick #2: Stromile Swift.  Oh Stromile…why??  I believe that Stromile Swift is a classic example of a guy with a world of talent who just has never been able to put it together.  No sense in discussing Swift’s numbers since they are pathetic.  His minutes per game have been steadily dropping the last few years but at least his effectiveness has remained about constant.  The dude is just about useless.  But still, arguably more useful (but not by much) than

Pick #3: Darius Miles.  Miles was the first high schooler in the 2000 draft and is yet another high schooler who never lived up to expectations.  Dude wasn’t even in the league this past year due to a bad knee that might have killed his career.  His career numbers are also yawners, Darius never played on a winning team (zero playoff games) and the single greatest thing he ever brought to the league was that stupid gimmick he did where he bumped his fists against his head whenever he scored.  Good thing for us he didn’t score that often.  But at least he was better thatn

Pick #4: Marcus Fizer.  Wait, really?  Marcus Fizer was a #4 draft pick?  What the fuck?  Fizer was only in the league for four years, five if you count three games he appeared in 2005.  On the bright side, he was the D-League MVP in 2006 for whatever that’s worth (see: nothing).

Pick #5: Mike Miller.  If you had asked me in 2000 who the best player in the top ten of this draft would be 8 years later, I highly doubt I would have said Mike Miller.  I would have been wrong.  Now, this isn’t to say that Mike Miller is a stud.  Far from it.  But as you’ll soon see, Miller is in my opinion the best guy in the top ten of this draft.  Miller’s managed to be one of the better 6th men in the league for the last several years, shoots the three well, and has managed to find a niche in the league, although he really needs to do something about his hair (he has a tendency of looking like a really ugly woman sometimes).

Pick #6: Dermarr Johnson.  Dear God make it stop.  It’s not surprising to see that Johnson was drafted by the Hawks, where he only played for two seasons.  I’m having a hard time remembering exactly, but I think I recall him being in a horrible accident and was thought to never be able to play basketball again.  His career 6.2 ppg, 40% shooting average and 32% 3pt average leave a lot to be desired for a guard drafted number 6.  But then again, he was originally a Hawk so I guess he was probably doomed from the start.

Pick #7: Chris Mihm.  Ugh.  Enter Big White Stiff #1 And to think there was a time when I thought the 2001 NBA Draft was the worst of all time.  It scares me to think that this draft was so weak that Chris Mihm went #7.  Mihm currently “plays” for the Lakers (he only appeared in 23 games this year), although he does start for them in NBA 2k8…so, um, I guess he’s got that going on.

Pick #8: Jamal Crawford.  Crawford is currently one of the best players on an awful Knicks team.  I’m not sure what that means exactly.  Crawford probably ranks #2 after Miller if we did this draft again.  Yikes.

Pick #9: Joel Pryzbilla.  Awesome, two Big White Stiffs in the same draft lottery!  At least he’s still in the league.
Pick #10: Keyon Dooling.  Dooling has been a role player his entire career and MIGHT be the 3rd best player picked in the top ten.  That, my two readers, is seriously pathetic.

Pick #11: Jerome Moiso.  I forgot this guy existed, he hasn’t been in the league in four years.  So that about sums him up.

Pick #12: Etan Thomas.  I think Etan is another guy that just never put it together.  At least he’s educated and looks like the Predator.  His heart issues might keep him from ever playing again.  And while that’s sad, I hope it means the Wizards can get his massive salary off the books.

Pick #13: Courtney Alexander.  I shudder to think that there was a season where this guy was the second best player on the Wizards.  His rookie year was his best one and he promptly fell off the planet in 2003.

Pick 14: Mateen Cleeves.  If the review of the NBA Draft was based on best benchwarmer/cheerleaders, Cleeves would have been number one.  Unfortunately for Mateen, it’s based on skill.   Cleeves has also been out of the league for a few seasons, not that you would have known when he was there.

Pick 15: Jason Collier.  See above minus the cheerleading part.

And that once again pretty much covers the lottery.  Let’s look at other notable picks from the 2000 NBA Draft:

#16: Hedo Turkoglu.  If this draft was done again today, Hedo would have been in the top three.  Nice pick here.

#17: Desmond Mason.  Never a stud player, but he’s always been serviceable.  He also won a few slam dunk contests I think.  He also would have probably been drafted in the top five given a do-over.

#18: Jamaal Magloire.  I could be wrong, but I think after Kenyon Martin, Magloire is the next guy on this list who ever played in an All-Star game, but that was mostly by default since the east hasn’t had any real all-star centers in ten years.

Much like the 2001 draft, arguably the best player to come out of this draft came in the second round: Michael Redd.  Redd was pick #14 in the second round of this draft, and amazingly enough, has only appeared in one All-Star game despite averaging over 25ppg a few seasons in a row.

So how does the 2000 NBA draft grade?  Let’s look at it this way:

Star Players (guys capable of leading a team and being a franchise player):  1. Michael Redd (and that might be a stretch)

Good players (maybe an all-star appearance here or there but someone you’d definitely want in your starting lineup): 6. Martin, Mike Miller, Crawford, Turkoglu, Mason, Magloire.

Okay players (good enough to be a backup/role player/occasional starter): 7. Darius Miles (briefly), Dooling, Etan Thomas, Quentin Richardson, Morris Peterson, Speedy Claxton, Deshawn Stevenson.

Mostly useless: 3. Swift, Mihm, Przybilla.

Completely Useless and or Draft Busts and or never to be heard from again: 14.  Fizer, Dermarr, Moiso, Alexander, Cleaves, Collier, Donnell Harvey, Dalibor Bagaric (who??), Jake  Tsakalidis, Mamadou N’diaye (though he did have the best name in this draft), Primoz Brezec, Erick Barkley, Mark Madsen.

Yikes.  Just…yikes.  I think this has to be the worst draft of all time.  My grade: F-.

Prequels.  That’s what I meant.  They still sucked.

No, not thoughts on the man himself, but thoughts on something that’s been annoying me since November 2006 apparently (post here - http://copyandcigarettes.com/?p=254, video no longer available).

I read a lot about politics and the upcoming election.  I don’t vote, but if I did I’d vote for Obama.  Voting is pointless unless you live in about five states, and guess what, Texas isn’t one of them.  I might register this time around and vote for Obama just for the hell of it I guess.  But I still like to read.

One thing that’s been annoying the shit out of me starting back last November and becoming increasingly ridiculous has been the jackass supporters of Hillary and McCain (not to say that all people who support these people are jackasses, just some of them just as there are plenty of jackasses who support Obama) who constantly refer to Barack Obama as Barack HUSSEIN Obama.

Go through any political message board or blog, and you will find endless comments by people who are constantly doing this.  It’s also on television too as said by Glen Beck in that old post but that video is apparently no longer available.

The thing is, you don’t find Obama supporters consistently referring to Hillary Diane Clinton or John Sydney McCain (and yes I had to look that up), so clearly these jackasses are trying to imply something whenever they throw out the name Hussein.  Thing is, they never, ever say what the point of it is.  So it leads me to assume things.

These people are either trying to imply that A) Barack Obama is a muslim (something that idiots have been believing since before this election began, and seriously, shouldn’t be an issue even if it WERE TRUE which it isn’t) or that B) Barack Obama is either connected somehow to Saddam Hussein either by being named after him or to further imply that he’s a muslim.

It is so infuriating to constantly see posts referring to Barack HUSSEIN Obama.  What are you fucking morons trying to prove?  Barack Obama is not a muslim.  Barack Obama was not named after Saddam Hussein (who didn’t even rise to power until the late 60’s with Obama being born in 1961.

Hussein literally translates to “Good; small; handsome one.”  OH NO!  HOW FUCKING TERRIBLE!

I think anyone who finds themselves doing this on a regular basis need to be stripped of their computer/television rights.  You’re not proving anything except that you’re a fucking moron.

Sorry folks, was back in Maryland for the weekend but I’m back now and do I have some advice for you if it’s not too late:

DON’T GO SEE INDIANA JONES.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

Somehow, SOMEHOW, this movie has gotten overwhelmingly good reviews.  Are you people FUCKING RETARDED?

Okay, there are two types of people in this country.  People with brains, and people who liked Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of This Movie is a Piece of Garbage.

(***MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD BUT NOTHING YOU DON’T FIND OUT IN THE FIRST TWENTY MINUTES OF THE MOVIE**)

Here’s how bad this movie is and this should be enough to sum it up: IT’S ABOUT ALIENS.  The fucking movie is ABOUT ALIENS.  I am not making this up, Lucas originally wanted to call the movie “”Indiana Jones and the Saucer Men From Mars.”  No, really.  That’s not a lie.

The Saucer Men From Mars?

Are you fucking kidding me?

It’s clear the Lucas is now going out of his way to ruin his classic movies.  He successfully destroyed the entire Star Wars franchise by making those three abominable sequels (and if I hear word one about how they weren’t that bad, get off my blog) near to the point where I can’t even watch one of the good Star Wars movies without cringing.

Now, now…fuck me, Indiana Jones is ABOUT GODDAMN ALIENS.

If that wasn’t bad enough, the movie just flat out sucks.  It’s 95% CGI effects (give me a fucking break, Lucas) and 5% bad writing.  The only, ONLY redeeming part of the movie is that Harrison Ford can still play Indiana Jones.  He’s still got it.  But everything else?  Pure crap.

Apparently it took FOUR WRITES OF THE SCRIPT before they finally settled on this.  Makes me wonder what the first four scripts were!  “Indiana Jones and the Time Traveling Deloreon,” “Indiana Jones Goes to Mars,” “Indiana Jones’ Bogus Journey.”  Wait, that last one might have been good…

But really…aliens?  Aliens???  MOTHERFUCKING ALIENS?

Also, for the record, he survives a nuclear blast, Shia Lebouf (sp?) is annoying, Marian looks like this creepy old lady and his best bud Ox (who we’ve never seen before) and the evil character Cate Blanchett plays are completely and utterly useless.

So I ask, who gave this movie good reviews?  How can anyone, ANYONE, possibly like this movie?

Just to give you an idea of how bad it was, when I went to go see it, the projector died and the movie cut off about an hour into it and NOBODY IN THE THEATER seemed particularly upset.  I was kind of relieved and actually DISAPPOINTED when it started back up again.  But I guess if it hadn’t I would have missed the big finale where (SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER) the giant flying saucer emerges out of the ground.

Please.  For the love of God.  Don’t go see this movie.

And to all you movie reviewers who must be blind and/or retarded: I should have your job because you are all fucking jackasses.

The end.

And lastly, I read this article in the Washington Post today about this black kid from Pittsburgh who is a huge star in Japan for singing “enka” music.  This is…strange.

I saw some statistic the other day that something like 8 out of 10 kids have autism.  What the fuck is this?  Where did this autism “epidemic” come from and how come so many goddamn kids have autism?

I don’t know.  It sounds to me like the big ADD scare of the mid-90’s when every kid had ADD and they were all on Ritalin.

Hey, parents, check it out - your kid doesn’t necessarily have ADD and they don’t necessarily have autism.  I’m supposed to believe that through the history of time, it wasn’t discovered until just a few years ago that pretty much every kid has autism?

Sometimes, parents need to face the sad reality - your kid is not special.  Your kid is just like every other kid.  That means that he’s probably pretty stupid.  And it’s probably your fault.

I don’t know why I make pleas on this blog to get people to watch stuff I like because

a) Nobody listens

b) My three regular readers don’t have enough pull in the television industry to not get my favorite shows canceled.  Unfortunately.

Almost all of my favorite shows never make it more than a few seasons.  And, amazingly enough, it’s always the best shows.  The best shows are usually not popular because they involve some use of your brain and aren’t completely retarded.  Normally, the completely retarded shows are the successful ones.  See: Friends, Deal or no Deal, etc.  The shows I like, and have at times told everyone I know to watch include the good shows: The State,  The Knights of Prosperity, Arrested Development, etc.  All great shows.  In fact, the good only shows that I can think of in recent memory that have made it are Lost and the Office.

Well, guess what?

The greatest reality show of all time (no, really, as in it’s actually a GOOD reality show and not a great trashy and stupid reality show like Rock of Love) is coming back in just a few weeks.

That’s right, the Mole is back!  Yay!

For those that don’t remember (and that’s probably everyone considering I’m pretty sure nobody watched the show except for me and my brother) the Mole last aired about five years ago, when it was hosted by Anderson Cooper (now of CNN).  Anyway, the first season was amazing, and for reasons I won’t bother explaining now, was apparently too “difficult” for the majority of the population in this country to understand (because everyone is fucking stupid).  So they did season 2 but in a dumbed-down version - which was still watchable but not as good.

Anyway, it’s back!  Woo hoo!  I am begging you, please watch this show.  I’m hoping it’s been brought back in its original, non-dumbed-down form, but I doubt it.  Anyway, just watch the show.  Seriously, it’s one of these things that I could do commercials for, along with Chipotle, XBox 360, and Firebowl Cafe.  Do it.  Please.  I’m begging you.

I just saw this commercial where this kid is walking into his house and he his underwear is pulled up out of his pants and he’s shaking his head in sadness.  We the viewer can safely assume that he’s being picked on at school.  He walks over to this big imaginary computer and goes to the Yellowbook online, and types in “Martial Arts.”  I guess this means we’re supposed to think he’s going to take some karate classes so he gets picked on less.

This was probably better than the original version of the commercial where he buys an AK-47 off the internet and shoots up the school.

Well, that’s how I would have filmed it anyway.

I was watching Jeopardy today (on DVR, I’m still about a week behind) as I try to do every day because I’m a big fat nerd.

The final Jeopardy question was something like “In 1953, Glen Bell put this item on his restaraunt menu next to hamburgers, and the rest was history.”

It took me, oh, about a half-second to say tacos.  Duh.  Glen Bell?  What the fuck else could it be.  I once made a joke here or on the former website about Taco Bell being funded by Gary Taco, but that was clearly a joke.  Glen Bell.  Restaraunt menu.  What the fuck else could it be?

Well these dumb fucks, two of them anyway, guessed french fries.  French fries.  Jesus fucking Christ.

Here’s what I know: If I’m ever on Jeopardy and there’s a question about fast food, you might as well bank on me getting the answer.  In fact, here’s a list of categories I would love to see on Jeopardy if I ever make it on:

Fast Food

Keanu Reeves Movies

Rock Music from 1995

Attractive Latina Female Celebrities

NBA Basketball

That’s probably about it.  Come on retards.  Glenn Bell!  How could you get this wrong?!!

Something I’ve been meaning to write for a while…

So I was watching the Karate Kid on AMC the other day…wait, quick sidebar:

AMC!  My most hated TV station!  You finally did it!  You finally decided to show a classic movie!  And all the time at that!  (For my true feelings on AMC and the garbage that they constantly show, I’d have to dig up an old writing from my old webpage that delves into movies such as Robocop 3, the Good Son, and Stepfather - all pure crap).

Anyway, AMC has been showing the Karate Kid, both 1 and 2 lately.  And like, a lot, which is awesome.  Unfortunately, they have not been showing 3 (which contrary to popular belief is not the one with “the girl” - that’s The Next Karate Kid) which is one of my most favorite bad movies of all time.

But Karate Kid 1 AND 2?  Fuck yes!

Let me state for the record that whenever I see either of these movies on television, I don’t care what point it’s at, I’m watching until the end.  My house could be on fire, my (fictional) girlfriend could have just been taken to the emergency room, I don’t care.  I’m watching this shit until Daniel-san Crane Kicks Johnny or beats the shit out of that Asian guy with the Drum Punches.

Why is this?  What makes the Karate Kid 1 and 2 so goddamn awesome?

I don’t have an answer to this question.  It’s probably the same reason why I love The Goonies and Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.  Maybe it reminds me of my childhood.  Maybe I just really enjoy cheesy 80’s movies.  I don’t know.

But something about Daniel getting the shit kicked out of him by a punch of punks dressed up as skeletons or climbing that tree in the hurricane to save the little girl…it just does something for me.

Personally, I think we’re long overdue for a Karate Kid 4 starring Ralph Macchio and…hmmm…Pat Morita is dead…what about Jackie Chan?

It could be like, 20 years after Daniel won the original tournament.  He’s now a 36 year old out of work plumber (he learned his handy-man skills from Mr. Miyagi after winning tournament number 2 and finding out he didn’t have good enough grades to go to college).   Mr. Miyagi died several years ago from “Pneumonia” (really complications from AIDS, come on we all know him and Daniel were getting it on by the third movie, go back and watch it yourself, it’s fucking creepy).

Daniel gets a letter in the mail as he’s being invited to Johnny and Ali’s wedding.  After retiring from Karate, Johnny became a successful real estate agent in Los Angeles and spent many of his adult years pining after Ali, finally winning her over in their late 30’s.

Daniel, in all his rage, hires Mr. Miyagi’s cousin (played by Jacky Chan) to work him into shape so he can have revenge at the wedding.

At the ceremony, Daniel shows up wearing the same outfit he wore to the karate championship 20 years earlier (now much too small for his unattractive and overweight body) and challenges Johnny to a fight to the death.  Johnny wins.  The end.

Maybe I should put more thought into this…

My new favorite mini-infomercial.  What would do we call a mini-informerical anyway?  Mini-cercial?  Anyway, it’s 60 seconds, just watch it.

Ok, I love infomercials.  This is not something new, I think many people know I love infomercials.  I love the Juiceman, I love the tiger that jumps on the raised Aerobed, I love the midgets who sell real estate.  Though I still don’t trust that guy who sells Oxy-clean and about a dozen of other products.  Dude has no shame, he’ll endorse anything.

Anyway, this Shamwow one is great.  I love how the host guy is wearing that headset.  What the fuck for?  Is he operating the phones while he’s showing us all the awesomeness of Shamwow?

And he’s just so smug, what an attitude this guy has!  He’s like “Hey, jackass, you’re a real asshole if you don’t buy this Shamwow.”

I love the part where he’s like “This is made in Germany and we all know that the Germans make great products.”

They do?

Name one.

I’m having a hard time, all I can come up with is gas chamber.

I tried to do some research before I sat down to write this to see if I could find any reviews of the Shamwow.  Alas I could not so it looks like we may never know if the Shamwow is as great as this douchebag tells us.

At least ours is.  You should have to pass an intelligence test in order to vote.  I’m too tired to write down my thoughts on this stupid election right now, but I hope to tomorrow.

So out of curiousity, a few minutes ago I went onto Youtubed and looked up my Talk Sex With Sue Dildo story clip to see how many views it has.  I figured maybe like 100 (I uploaded this like three months ago).  The answer:

2,038.

Wow, that’s a lot of views!

However, nobody has rated me and the only comment I have is from Dan2000 who writes: LOL. 

Well, thanks Dan2000.  And thank you 2,037 other people who apparently watched at least a second of my video.  That’s pretty cool.

Look, I didn’t say it was a good post.  Be back soon when something funny or interesting happens.  Unfortunately, my life pretty much revolves just around me working and there’s nothing too funny that I can write about here.

That’s it really.  I’m officially retiring from DC sports.  At least until Redskins season starts again because apparently I hate myself.

In other news for anyone who cares, I am coming home over Memorial Day Weekend and coincidentally my birthday.  Let’s get some hookers and blow and have some fun*.

*By hookers I mean women we can pay to have sex with us.