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I woke up this morning to about eight emails from various family and friends (note - I only have about six members of my family and friends combined) that my comic hero George Carlin has died.

For as long as I can remember, George Carlin has been one of if not my favorite comedians.  I find myself constantly quoting him or thinking of something he has said.  “And zombies!  Where the fuck are all the zombies?!”

I’m nowhere near as intelligent or clever as George Carlin was but I like to think that he has always been an inspiration to my writing.  He believed that the goal of a comedian was to find the line and then intentionally cross it.  I often aspire to do this in my own writing and will continue to do so as long as I can.
George Carlin was a comedic genius, he was my hero, and he will be missed.

Something that’s been bothering me for quite a while but hadn’t thought of until the other day…well, two things actually.

I’m not a fan of religion and I’m one who personally feels like through the history of time, religion has done a lot more harm than good.  Just my opinion, feel free to agree or disagree (but if you disagree than you’re a moron).

There are two things that I have never understood and I guess will never quite get.

The first is that I don’t understand why religious Christians/Catholics don’t keep kosher.  Isn’t all that dietary shit old testament crap?  Don’t eat this, don’t eat that?  This continues to be stupid to this day because back then, all the dietary laws made sense since they didn’t have, you know, standards for cooking and technology (as well as information) about what was and wasn’t healthy.  That sentence didn’t completely make sense the way I typed it but dammit you know what I mean.  But I guess my point is that religious jews continue to this day to be kosher (even if it’s fucking retarded because, come on, pork and shellfish (among other things) are delicious).  That’s right, I used parenthesis inside parenthesis in that last sentence.  Deal with it.  So why aren’t religious Christians and Catholics kosher?  Can anyone, anyone at all explain this to me?  Yes, being kosher sucks but I don’t think that’s the answer.

The second thing that has bothered me for quite some time but was brought back to my thoughts the other day is the concept of sodomy.  Religious people HATE sodomy and use it as their reasoning why gay people are going to hell/shouldn’t be allowed to get married/etc.  Sodomy bad!  Sex between a man and a woman good!  Okay, fine.  Sodomy is evil.  I was reminded of this the other day when I saw news about protests of gay people getting married in California.

But what’s the definition of sodomy?  Well, according to dictionary.com (sorry folks, don’t have a Webster’s with me) -

1.    anal or oral copulation with a member of the opposite sex.
2.    copulation with a member of the same sex.

I don’t know how the bible defines it, I don’t own one and have never read it.  But according to dictionary.com sodomy is either having sex with someone of the same sex, or having oral or anal sex with someone of the opposite sex.  It doesn’t specify anything about the couple being married.  So whenever any male is engaging in anal or oral sex with a female, they are both committing sodomy (which I also believe is technically illegal in most states).   So, any time that some dude gets a BJ from his wife or girlfriend, they’re both apparently committing sodomy AS WELL AS an illegal act (depending I guess on what state they are in).  So, religious Christian and Catholics, are you telling me that you’ve never been on the giving or receiving end of a blowjob?   Really?  I’m supposed to believe this?

Religious people, no matter what religion, are almost all amazing hypocrites and assholes.  Sure there are some exceptions.  But I hate seeing some asshole standing outside of a wedding with a sign condemning sodomy who probably spent the night before trying to convince his wife or girlfriend to suck his cock for a few minutes.

Maybe someone can explain this one to me too.

That was the most pathetic close-out game of an NBA finals I have ever seen.  Seriously Lakers, how do you go out and completely shit your pants like that?

Now officially marks the worst time of the year.  The months from June-September when there are no sports going on but baseball, which I still don’t think is really a sport.

Misery.

I realize this isn’t much of a post.  Blow me.

(after a brief interview with Will Smith in the audience, which by the way was incredibly necessary and which I also really cared about)

Jeff Van Gundy: Hitch WAS a great movie.  If there’s anyone funnier than Kevin James, I want names.

Mike Breen: These superlatives that you put on overage movies…

Marc Jackson: No, Hitch was outstanding.

Ladies and gentlemen, your NBA Finals!

I like Jeff Van Gundy.  I think given the terrible state of commentating (and seriously, we haven’t found a way to clone Bill Raftery so he can commentate everything?  Bill Raftery should be commentating every single sporting event ever.  Horse racing, hot dog eating, I don’t care).  But really?  Hitch was a GREAT movie?  If anyone is funnier than Kevin James?

I can name a half dozen people in this very room who are funnier than Kevin James and I’m the only person sitting here.

As for Hitch being a great (or outstanding movie)….these guys need to get out more.

Ok, I’m an asshole and this might be the post that send me to hell. But:

“7 Killed in Tokyo Stabbing Rampage”

TOKYO, June 8 — Screaming as he randomly stabbed shoppers with a hunting knife, a man killed seven people and injured 11 others at lunchtime Sunday in a Tokyo retail district.

Tomohiro Kato, 25, drove a white, two-ton rental truck into a crowd of pedestrians, running over at least three people and then emerging from the truck with a large knife, according to police officers and witnesses.

Well we automatically know that this is a foreign country because he didn’t have a gun. Leave it to the Japanese to stereotype themselves by going on a stabbing rampage.

Indiscriminately slashing and stabbing as he went, the assailant then ran and walked through the center of the Akihabara neighborhood, where thousands of young men from Japan and around the world gather for electronic gadgets and comic books, computer games and nerdy fellowship.

I LOVE this part. Was it absolutely necessary to call these guys “nerdy.” Is this what we call news reporting Washington Post? Nerdy fellowship….do they teach that in journalism school?

“I am tired of life,” police said Kato told them later. “I came to Akihabara to kill people. It didn’t matter who they were. I came alone.”

Japan is one of the safest countries in the world when it comes to violent crime. Strict gun-control laws make it difficult for most Japanese to own handguns.

Wait…they didn’t kill this guy? He was…caught? How was one guy with a knife able to run around and stab at least 18 different people before being taken down by some dude with a pair of nun-chuks or a…throwing star…seriously, aren’t there a lot of ninjas in Japan? Here’s another reason you know this isn’t America - if this happened in some major shopping district here (especially in Texas), this dude would have been shot by at least four people walking around with concealed weapons. Not to mention, if this was America, this guy would have had a gun and would have killed himself before being arrested.

But this year, there have already been two stabbing sprees in crowded shopping districts, injuring a total of 10 people and killing one. Sunday’s rampage occurred on the seventh anniversary of an infamous stabbing incident near Osaka, where a man killed eight children and injured 15 others. He was later executed.

Akihabara, a neon-lighted temple for high-tech consumerism and for magazines and comics that cater to adolescent fantasies, looked liked a war zone just after the attack, with puddles of blood and random shoes on the pavement.

Okay, there’s nothing funny about that. But at least this is new, it’s a crowded shopping area. In America, most deaths in crowded shopping areas occur because the elderly can’t drive.

There was a frenzy of lights, sirens and ambulances, as paramedics scooped up the wounded and sped them to hospitals.

As always on Sundays, the main street in Akihabara was closed to traffic. When the rental truck barreled into the street, the area was crowded with pedestrians. Kato quickly got out of the truck with the knife and headed directly for one of the people he had run over, witnesses told reporters.

Kato “jumped on top of a man he had hit with his vehicle and stabbed him with a knife many times,” one man told the Kyodo news agency.

And while this was going on…what, nobody managed to stop him? In a crowded marketplace, a couple of Japanese guys couldn’t take out one dude with a hunting knife? Was it Japanese Rambo?

Six of the seven killed were men, police said. They ranged in age from 19 to 74, but most were under 35. A 21-year-old woman was also killed.

Kato, wearing a white jacket and a black T-shirt, screamed and grunted as he stabbed people, according to witnesses, some of whom said he appeared to be mentally disturbed.

Oh really, professor? He was disturbed?

After Kato had stabbed several people, a traffic policeman approached him in the street and tried to talk to him, according to news accounts. Kato allegedly stabbed the officer several times, screamed and ran off.

That’s some fine police work there, officer. What the fuck are they teaching these policemen in Japan? Are the Japanese so goddamn polite that even after they witness someone with a hunting knife stab to death several people, they STILL don’t use lethal force? Really? “Hey deranged lunatic with a hunting knife, I know you just stabbed to death a half dozen people, but hey, can’t we just talk about this? No, you’d rather stab me to death instead? Well, okay. Arigato!” If it weren’t so disturbing, this story is really rather funny.

The officer was one of 11 people — nine men and two women — treated in Tokyo hospitals, according to news accounts.

Chased by police, Kato allegedly ran into a back street and stabbed two more people.

I guess they also tried to reason with him.

A policeman confronted him there with a nightstick and they fenced with their respective weapons, according to NHK. When the policeman pulled out his pistol and said he would shoot, NHK said, Kato dropped the knife and was tackled by police.

Wait wait wait wait wait. Okay, so now this guy has stabbed about 20 people and a cop WHO DOES HAVE A GUN MIND YOU, decides “No wait, let’s not shoot this guy. No, let’s fence!” How long did this go on for? Were any pirate ships prominently involved? WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT TAKE FOR A JAPANESE POLICE OFFICER TO SHOOT SOMEONE? I think they might want to think about giving the LAPD a few lessons - ba dum ching! What did this cop say when he finally took out his gun? “Okay, seriously, I’m being VERY serious! If you stab 20 more people, I really, REALLY might think about shooting you! I MIGHT do it!”
So even after all of this, even after stabbing 20 people including a police officer, the cops STILL don’t shoot. They take the guy down! Unreal! Look, I realize that the Japanese cops probably encounter something like this, oh, NEVER, but really, seriously, can you please shoot this guy? It’s okay. He’s killing people. It’s really alright to shoot him.

A photograph broadcast on television showed Kato on the ground, his head resting on a concrete sidewalk.

Six hours after the stabbings, the streets of Akihabara were again crowded with young men.

Oh those nerds.

I will say this though, the above story is proof positive why gun control is a serious issue and one of the many things wrong with the US. But it’s an interesting story when you think about it this way: In Japan, not only was this guy not able to kill 7 more people because he didn’t have a gun, but apparently nobody was able to stop him because none of THEM had guns (although really, a gang of 10 nerdy Japanese guys should be able to take out one dude), and even though the police DID have guns, they probably didn’t want to use them for whatever reason.

Fascinating. And hilarious. See you in Hell.

I just saw ANOTHER commercial for ANOTHER website that will buy your gold and send you money!  Note - it’s a second company running the SAME operation!

Well that settles it.  I’m starting www.sendmeyourvaluablestuff.com.  Seriously.  I’m starting it.  You send me your shit and I’ll send you money.  It’s that simple.  There’s no negotiating, there’s no waiting.  It’s that simple.  You have something worth money?  Send it to me and I’ll give you whatever I think it’s worth.

My favorite part of this commercial though was the testimonial of the lady who said “I sent in my diamond wedding band from my first marriage and got cash back!”  Hilarious.   If this was true (and I’m sure it isn’t) and I was this lady’s ex-husband and I saw this shit on television I would go to her home and kill the bitch.

Anyway, send me your stuff today!

If you watch half as much Game Show Network as I do (what, I love the Feud, who doesn’t?) then you’ve no doubt seen the commercial about sending in your “old gold.”

Oh wait, you don’t watch half as much GSN as me?  Ok, let me get you up to speed.

There’s this commercial that comes on all the time advertising a service where you call a phone number, get sent some packaging, then you send your “old gold jewelery” to some random location and then they send you money!  Wow, sounds like a great idea, right?

Sure, if you’re a fucking moron.

Who the fuck sends their gold jewelery to some random place only to sit around waiting for a check?  Okay, let’s assume that this thing is a legit business. Let’s assume that Joe Moron sends in his gold jewelery and two weeks later actually receives a check.  I assume they don’t just steal your gold and never send you shit because you’d think they’d have been shut down a while ago.

But who the fuck would send in un-appraised gold jewelery to someone’s mailbox?  If you want to sell gold shit you don’t use, wouldn’t you, you know, GO TO A JEWELER AND GET YOUR SHIT APPRAISED AND SELL IT FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH?  What a great business!  It’s all profit!

Tell you what, I’m starting my own business right now.  It’s called “I’ll buy your shit.”  You send me whatever you want (must have some sort of value, please don’t send me your old garbage like used clothing or DVD’s of Friends).  You send it to me and I’ll send you money in the mail based on what I think you deserve for it.  Sound good?  Email me for my address.  I’ll accept: jewelery, sports memorabilia, working electronics (please, don’t send me anything broken), babies, etc.  You name it.  If it has value, I’ll buy it.  The check’s in the mail.

Every once in a while, I’ll get some friend request on Facebook from some person that went to my high school who I LITERALLY have never spoken to before in my life.

Hey, people, just because we both graduated the same year doesn’t mean we need to be Facebook friends.  I DON’T KNOW YOU.  I don’t care what you’re up to.  I don’t care if you’re fat, if you’re married, if you’re rich, if you’re famous.  I didn’t know you then, I don’t care to know you now.  Stop sending me friend requests.  I probably didn’t know you for a reason.  Mostly because I was super cool and you were probably totally lame.  I doubt things have changed.

Gotta love justice in America.  All of these poor children who are being brainwashed into FDLS (that’s fundamentalist Mormons for the layperson) are being returned to their crazy ass families!  Hooray!  I heard one of the welcome back speeches went a little like this:
“Hey, welcome home little Betsy Sue.  And not a moment too soon!  See, it’s almost your 14th birthday and you know what that means?  It means you get to get married to that 63 year old man standing over in the corner who is already picturing your naked 14 year old body having sex with his old man penis.  Pretty great, right?  We’re so glad justice works!”

How can anyone say these kids aren’t being abused?  Fundamentalist Mormonism is BASED on abuse.  There’s a REASON why polygamy is ILLEGAL and there’s a REASON why it’s ILLEGAL to marry underage girls and there’s a REASON why it’s socially unacceptable for a man to marry a girl 40 years younger than him, even if she is of age.

These poor children have no chance at a future.  Unless that future means wearing clothes from the 1800’s and being essentially sold into slavery.  Thanks justice system!

I really need to plow through these things if I’m going to have all the drafts from 2000 to now done before the 2008 draft. So here goes a look back at the 2002 NBA Draft.

#1: Yao Ming. There was a ton of hype leading up to this draft because everyone in the world (well, mostly the US and China) was expecting Yao to go #1 to the rockets. I mean, can you really pass up a 7′6″ dude who can hit an outside jumper and post up guys seven inches shorter than him in the middle? And while Yao (and in turn Tracy McGrady) still hasn’t made it out of the FIRST ROUND of the playoffs, the guy gets better every year. He’s also a five time All Star (thanks for voting, China!) though these numbers are skewed a bit since there’s a nation of ONE BILLION people voting for him. But for a #1 pick, I suppose you can’t really complain.

#2: Jason Williams. Jason Williams (who changed his name to Jay Williams upon entering the NBA which I’ll never recognize) played only one season in the NBA after a (I hate to say it) great career at Duke. His first and only season on the Bulls was average but not great in any way. The guy probably had a decent career ahead of him (though I still don’t think he ever would have been great) when jackass of all jackasses, he was seriously injured in a motorcycle accident, shattering his pelvis never to play in the NBA again. Now, if you’re a #2 draft pick (or really, ANY PRO ATHLETE MAKING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR TO PLAY A GAME), what the fuck are you doing riding around anywhere on a motorcycle? It’s a questions that I’ll never understand. When guys like Williams, Ben Roethlisburger or any other high profile athlete gets injured in a bike accident, I will never understand it. Here’s the thing - I always hated Jason Williams and while I don’t wish death upon anyone, I still think it was pretty funny that he completely destroyed his basketball career with this dumb decision. Way to go, JASON.

#3: Mike Dunleavy. When Dunleavy was drafted number 3 overall behind his Duke teammate, I immediately predicted his career would parallel Danny Ferry. While Dunleavy has been better to this point in his career, he still hasn’t done anything to justify a #3 pick. He just finished his most productive career in the league, but he plays on a team full of nobody’s so someone has to get stats. Fun fact: Mike Dunleavy is still super ugly. I guess he’s good enough to start on your team if your team is really crappy. (See: Pacers)

#4: Drew Gooden. Gooden’s another guy that’s had a solid if not spectacular career as his career average is two rebounds shy of a double double.  I’d give him more points if he didn’t have that ugly reverse goatee on his head, but he could still start for, again, a crappy team.

#5: Nikoloz Tskitishvili.  Ah, the first true bust of this draft.  I couldn’t pick this guy out of a lineup if you stood him next to Zaza Pechulia, Nikolia Volkov, or Andre the Giant.  A complete waste of a draft pick.

#6: Dajuan Wagner.  Unbelievable disappointment.   And out of the league.

#7: Nene.  The most notable thing Nene has done so far in his career is get cancer.  He missed most of this season because of it but is supposedly coming back next season.  I think the jury is still out on Nene but at best he’s an average forward.  And at worst he only has one testicle.

#8: Chris Wilcox.  I never understood why Drew Gooden got drafted before Wilcox.  In the Final Four that year, Wilcox absolutely dominated Gooden.  Oh well.  I’m completely biased seeing as how he was part of our championship Maryland team, but Wilcox is a slightly better than average forward.  Unfortunately, he’s been stuck on super crappy teams his entire career, so we might never know if he can step things up on a decent team.

#9: Amare Stoudemire.  What can I say, a spectacular pick by Phoenix here.  Amare is a three time All-Star so far, and he’s only getting better every year, even after returning from micro-fracture surgery.  I’ll be surprised if he doesn’t make a few first team All-NBA’s in his career (once Tim Duncan retires).  A franchise player.

#10: Caron Butler.  I remember watching this draft on television, with the Wizards picking at number 11 and hoping, praying that Butler would slip one more spot to us.  Alas, we had to wait a few more years to get him (in one of the most lopsided trades in recent history).  Butler’s another guy who just gets better every year.  He doesn’t get as much recognition as he probably deserves because he’s the number 2 guy on the Wiz after Arenas, but Caron Butler is another franchise guy.

#11: Jared Jeffries.  Golum…I mean, Jared Jeffries, was never destined to be a star.  His game is completely one dimensional (that dimension is bad), though he’s managed to find his way onto a roster through this season.  Granted, that roster is the Knicks, but still…

#12: Melvin Ely.  Hi Melvin.  Thanks for filling out our bench.  Your seat is over there.

#13: Marcus Haislip.  I don’t think I could pick this guy out of a lineup either.  Out of the league since 2005.

#14: Fred Jones.  Freddy Jones was a baller out of Oregon wish some serious hops.  His NBA career?  Not so much though he’s still on an NBA roster.  And that roster?  Yes, the Knicks again!

#15: Bostjan Nachbar.  Fun Fact: Six years later and I’m still unsure how to pronounce his name.

Other notable picks:

#23: Tayshaun Prince.  Great pick at 23.  I think Tayshaun is a little bit overrated at this point in his career, but he’s got a spot on my team any day.

#26: John Salmons.  I swear, if this guy just got the PT (as he was at the beginning of this past season) he could be a great player.

2nd Round, #6: Carlos Boozer.  The third Dookie in this draft, it’s funny to think that one of the best players in this draft (much like the last two drafts I’ve reviewed) came in the second round.  Look, I still hate Carlos Boozer and I still think it’s funny that his mother was hit in the head with a water bottle at Maryland, but the guy is the second coming of Karl Malone.  That is to say he’s good, he can run a pick-and-roll, he annoys the shit out of me, and he’ll never win a title.

So how does the 2002 draft rank?

Star Players (guys capable of leading a team and being a franchise player):  4.  Yao, Amare, Butler, Boozer.
Good players (maybe an all-star appearance here or there but someone you’d definitely want in your starting lineup): 3.  Gooden, Wilcox, Prince.
Okay players (good enough to be a backup/role player/occasional starter): 7. Dunleavy, Nene, Nachbar, Dixon, Rush, Kristic, Salmons
Mostly useless: 4.  Jeffries, Ely, Fred Jones, Dan Dickau
Completely Useless and or Draft Busts and or never to be heard from again: 11.  Jay Williams, Tskitishvili, Wagner, Haislip, Jiri Welsch, Borshardt, Humprhey, Woods, Jacobsen, Frank Williams, Chris Jeffries.
Does the good outweigh the bad here?  I have to go with yes.  I give this draft a B.