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Well, not yet.  But once again, here’s the mini-mercial for your viewing pleasure.  We’ll soon see if Vince is for real.

Well, as weird as it sounds, I’m now about 98% certain that the person claiming to be Vince Offer really is Vince Offer.  And I have to say, that is pretty badass.  Up until this point my blog has pretty much only reached my friends, family, and people looking for Craig Kilborne.  But now, I’ve reached someone who is actually on television…all the time.  Or at least, during the hours that Family Feud is on.

And, better yet, Vince has agreed to send me a few Shamwows for me to review.  Either that, or someone claiming to be Vince has made me write a stupid sounding email to someone at Shamwow asking for a few in the mail.  If that’s the case, then you suck “Vince Offer.”
I guess I’ll know for sure in several days if and when I receive my shipment.  But, I have to say, I really think I’m getting some Shamwows.  I’m actually really excited for them and looking forward to testing them out and reviewing them.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve always liked the infomercial, I think it’s a cool looking product.  It’s just Vince’s abrasive style that made me blog about it in the first place.  However, IF the Shamwow is as good as Vince makes it look in the commercial, I will take back every bad thing I ever said about him…which isn’t much, I think I only called him a douchebag once.  I can’t control what people in my comments say.

So Vince, you’re on, I hope the Shamwow lives up to my expectations and I hope the Germans are as awesome as you and those kids on your blog say.  Maybe if I can get someone to hold the camera I’ll even do a video review.

I haven’t been this excited since they brought back The Mole.

I will say this however - if Billy Mays also reads my blog, Billy, tone it down brother.  I just don’t trust you.  And stop yelling at me.

Hey, one last thing on that last post.  Apparently, Shamwow is one of the more popular search terms that’s drawing people to my blog.  Where’s Craig Kilborn is still by far number one, but here are some other popular search terms:

Shamwow Vince Offer

Shamwow Announcer

Shamwow Asshole

Shamwow Douchebag

Shamwow Host

Shamwow Jerk

So um, Vince, bad news, a lot of people are finding me by searching for the Shamwow Douchebag/Asshole/Jerk.  Thought you might want to know.

I was going through my comments today, accepting stuff from new users as I have to do to protect from spam (seriously, so many people want your penis to be bigger) when I noticed the following post:

You guys crack me up!

Ok, so, I’m the ‘douchebag’ himself. Still selling Shamwows all over the place.

And I’m starting to gather and post reviews, text and videos, at my new blog, so feel free to stop by and check ‘em out.

I’m building an army…

Cheers,
Vince

And then he linked to what apparently is the Shamwow Blog which can be found here:

http://theshamwow.wordpress.com/

Firstly, I’d like to direct the rest of this post to everyone not Vince AKA the Shamwow guy:

HOLY SHIT!  The Shamwow guy must have Googled his product and on page 38 or something, he came across my Blog.  That is fucking awesome.  My blog is goddamn famous.  First some guy who went to the same high school as Regis Philben commented on my blog, and then the Shamwow guy.  That is totally badass.  Here’s the thing, I’m not even being sarcastic.  Okay, I’m joking about the Regis thing, but not about the Shamwow thing.  Shit man, that guy is on TV selling shit and I’m at home alone sitting at my computer writing about shit that most nobody cares about.  That makes him way more badass than me for sure.

The internet is a funny place.  I mean, there’s no real way of knowing that’s the real Shamwow guy blogging.  Maybe it’s like, the Shamwow guy’s personal assistant scouring the internet for ramblings about Shamwow.  Maybe it’s just some random internet troll who really loves Shamwow.  Maybe it’s just some random internet troll who likes pretending to be hosts of infomercials and on various other blogs he’s one of the midget twins who sell real estate.

But maybe…MAYBE it really IS the Shamwow Guy.  I mean, whoever commented went out of their way to post a link to the Shamwow blog (which I posted again in here, YOU’RE WELCOME VINCE) which leads me to believe, hey, MAYBE IT REALLY IS THE SHAMWOW GUY!  And if so, well, my life is near complete.  Again, not even being sarcastic.  The rest of this post is an open letter to Vince, the Shamwow Guy:

Dear Vince, the Shamwow Guy,

Hey man.  Thanks so much for stopping by and reading my blog.  How’d you find me anyway?  In between taking orders on your headset do you randomly search around the internet for product reviews?  Where do you find the time?  I mean, I get it and all, if it was my Shamwow I’d probably be doing the same thing.  But I’m just curious how you found me.  What was the Google search you did?  Was it, “Shamwow awesome,” “Shamwow amazing,” or “Shamwow douchebag?”  Something else?

Hey, also, listen, I hope I didn’t offend you by calling you a douchebag.  It’s just that in your infomercial you’re just so damn smug.  I’ll be honest with you though, I prefer your smugness to that asshole who screams at me about Oxyclean.  I’d much rather by something from you than that jackass.  Do you know him?  If so, can you tell him to take it down a notch or two?  My power goes out every time he comes on tv from all the screaming.  Ooh, do you know the midgets who sell real estate?  They are fucking awesome.  How does that little guy drive such a big car?
But what I’m trying to say is that your smugness does come off kinda douchey.  You’re all like, “Hey jackass, you’re a fuckin’ idiot if you don’t buy my Shamwow.”  And you know, maybe you’re right and all, but I don’t know, it just rubs me the wrong way a bit.
So I still don’t know anything about your product, but I’ll tell you what.  If you ARE the REAL Shamwow guy, let’s make a deal.  You send me a Shamwow and I’ll review it on my blog here.  Clearly I’m very popular and reach a lot of people, hell, you found me, right?  I’ll be as honest as possible about the Shamwow and if it’s as amazing as you say it is, I’ll be the first person to agree with you.  If this sounds like a good deal, comment on this post and I’ll email you with my home address.  Also, if you’re in the market for some printed promotional products, I can totally hook you up.

Sincerely,

Jordan

More lack of updates.  I guess nothing has been very funny lately.

Is anyone out there watching the show Factory on Spike TV?  Probably not.  But you should be, it’s really funny.  Think the Office but blue collar and not quite as funny.  But there’s also no stupid Jim and Pam bullshit so that’s good.  I was watching it today and thinking to myself, there’s no way this show will last more than a season.  Why?  Because it’s entertaining.

But then I thought, wait a minute, the show is on Spike TV.  They probably don’t need to do much in the way of ratings to stay afloat.  It’s not like my other favorite short-lived tv shows like Arrested Development or the Knights of Prosperity.  Those were on network TV, and too intelligent for 98% of the tv watching public.  At least Factory has a much lower bar.  But anyway, you should check it out.  Factory.  It’s funny.

So, I don’t ever really discuss work on this blog and I don’t really intend on starting to, but one thing that’s great about my job are the funny names that people have.  I spend a good portion of my day on the phone, and I get a lot of phone calls from random people.  My favorite name of all time was from a guy named Dick Sweat.

I still remember the call, because it’s not that often that “Dick Sweat” shows up on your caller ID.  He sounded like an older guy, so I don’t know, maybe when he was born in the 30’s or 40’s his parents didn’t really realize how unfortunate a name that is.  Either that or they were total assholes.

But if your name is Dick Sweat…I mean, why wouldn’t you go by Richard, or even your middle name?  The only thing I could think is that his middle name is Ass, because that’s the only thing that might be worse.

And then on Friday I got a call from a woman named Cattherine Napper.  And she goes by Catt.  Now that’s just awesome.  The thing about that one though is that she married into the name (I only know because I asked, curiousity got the best of me I guess).  I guess she’s got a good sense of humor.

I’ve always thought that if I ever get married, I would never request my wife take my last name.  If she wants to, great, if not, no big deal.  I wouldn’t wish Wigdor upon anyone.  But I’ll be goddamned if my future imaginary wife hyphenates anything.  There aren’t going to be any Johnson-Wigdor’s walking around.  Or I guess in my case, my imaginary wife is more likely to be a Hernandez or Tran than she is to be a Johnson or Smith.  So, I don’t know, if I was Mr. Napper I think it would have been okay if my fiancee Catt didn’t want to change her name.  Oh well.  It’s still pretty cool.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got.

Dear Mr. Favre,

You are a douche.

You are a giant douche.  I don’t care that every single sports analyst from Cambodia to Oakland and everywhere in between is in love with you.  You sir, are a douche.

Make up your fucking mind.  You retire.  You unretire.  You retire again.  And then you change your mind.  It’s fucking annoying and incredibly douchey.  If I were a Packers fan, I would be seriously pissed off at you.  And if I were Aaron Rodgers, well, I’d firebomb your house.

Just fucking retire.  You’re 38 years old.  You are not winning another Super Bowl.  And now you want out of Green Bay.  What an incredibly douchey thing to do.

Please quit.  And stay done.

Should you come back to the NFL, to the Packers or to anyone else, I hope you have the worst season of your career.

Brett Favre, stop being such a douche.

Fuck you and retire,

Jordan

I have been meaning to comment on this for a while. I think there’s what, maybe three FreeCreditReport.com commercials with the same guy singing his songs while playing his guitar.

There’s the one where he needs to buy a shitty car because his credit has been ruined by an identity thief. Okay that makes sense.

There’s the one where he needs to move into his parent’s basement because his girlfriend has shitty credit. Okay, less acceptable, after all, why are you mooching off your girlfriend so bad?

But the one that bothers me the most is where he’s bitching cause he has to wait tables dressed in a pirate suit because he has bad credit.

What I want to know is, what happened to your other job, dude? How did your bad credit make you get fired from a less humiliating career?

I’m sorry, but I don’t see the correlation. It seems to me like this asshole has just started blaming all of his problems on his bad credit. First it was the car, fine. Your credit sucks, you can’t get a car.

But I think that just started him on a downward spiral out of control. Next it was the apartment. I guess he probably got fired from his real job and was forced to move in with his girlfriend and her bad credit. But come on man, whose fault is that really?

And finally, since he got laid off, he had to start waiting tables in a pirate costume. Come on dude, don’t blame your credit for that. Not cool. Now you’re just using your bad credit as a crutch. What else are you going to start blaming your bad credit on? Girlfriend dumped you? Bad credit. Got herpes? Bad credit.  Dog hit by car?  Bad credit.

Dude, you gotta get your life together and stop blaming all of your problems on your shitty credit.  I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is.

I haven’t posted one of these in a while.  It’s entertaining.

Spoilers follow, but let’s get real, the move came out like five years ago.  If you haven’t already watched it, you probably aren’t going to.

Ok, so it’s possible I’ve written this before since I talk about it every time I see this movie on television, but here goes anyway.

So I think Garden State is a good movie.  Maybe not a great movie, but I think it’s a very good movie.  It had the potential to be a great movie but I have two major problems with the movie, one of which would be unfixable and the other which would be an easy fix that would have made the whole movie so, so much better.

Problem #1 - Sam, the character played by Natalie Portman.  I guess my problem is that, much like the character played by Rachel Bilson in Zack Braff’s other movie The Last Kiss, Sam does not exist in real life.  Okay, so the Rachel Bilson character is a LOT less believable (perhaps that’s for another post) than Sam, but even so…I don’t know.  I don’t feel like Sam could exist in real life.  And while that’s not normally a problem (I know, it’s a movie after all) it’s a problem for me in Garden State since all the OTHER characters are so believable.  From Zach Braff’s confused and depressed character, to his loser friends stuck in their shitty lives.  Even his father could be a REAL person.  But Sam…if you happen to know this girl, please introduce me.  For the record, if you know Rachel Bilson, feel free to introduce me to her too.  Anyway, this problem is pretty much unfixable since Sam is so integral to the plot for a variety of reasons and changing her character would probably just about ruin the movie.  However, I think she could have and should have been written better.

Problem #2 - The ending.  This is a simple and easy fix and given how the rest of the movie is, I’m surprised they didn’t end it my way to begin with.  So the movie ends with Zach Braff not getting on his plane home and instead making out with Sam at the airport and (I assume) staying at home to be with her.  Bad.  So bad.  It’s so contrived and unoriginal, I couldn’t even believe that’s how they ended it.  Okay, so how would I have ended it?  It’s simple.  Zach Braff is about to get on the plane.  The final shot is him standing at the gate.  He pauses for a moment.  He turns and looks back.  He turns back to the gate.  Fade to black, the end.  No running back and making out with Natalie Portman.  No super bummer ending (which I normally enjoy) with him getting on the plane.  It just ends there.  IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER.

Case in point, the Last Kiss.  The Last Kiss is not a great movie.  I’m not sure it’s even a good movie.  It has a lot more problems with it than Garden State (most notably the sheer unbelievableness of Rachel Bilson) but it did do one thing right.  It ended perfectly.  It ended the way Garden State should have ended.  How could they do that so right for such a much worse movie?  I don’t know.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on a movie that came out five years ago.  I hope I didn’t ruin anything for you.

So I just saw this commercial for some Alzheimer’s drug. Now, while Alzheimer’s is not funny, I found a lot of comedy in this commercial.

So this drug apparently makes Alzheimer’s not as bad. And just like every drug commercial, we get the list of side effects:

“Aricept is well tolerated but not for everyone…some people may experience fainting, nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, bruising, not sleep well, muscle cramps or loss of appetite.”

But you know the good news? If you experience any of these things while you’re on Aricept, you won’t remember any of it! BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALZHEIMER’S.

“I was up all night puking and shitting everywhere while my muscles cramped up? Well hell, I don’t remember anything, Judy.”

“My name is Beth.”

In other news, MSNBC is showing a To Catch a Predator marathon all day. Best 4th of July ever?

Sorry.  My life is boring.  I go to work.  I come home.  Nothing funny has really struck me lately.

I did manage to catch the first episode of I Survived a Japanese Game Show last week.  Anyone watching this?  They clearly chose a dozen of the dumbest and loudest Americans they could find to be on this show.  Case in point, after being dropped off in Tokyo, one of them said “It’s just like New York City, except everything is written in hieroglyphics.”  Yes, hieroglyphics.  Or, you know, JAPANESE.

Aside from that and other idiocy, I actually kinda liked the show because it made Americans look as stupid as we are.  I do hope that the challenges get harder because the first episode was kinda weak.  They need to put these assholes through the cream pie torture (old post, look it up on youtube).

Here’s something I’ve also been thinking about lately:  why do bands still make music videos?  Why are record companies still shelling out money for these things?  MTV hasn’t shown a music video in eight years.  Even MTV2 hasn’t shown a video in probably five years.  MTV2 used to be a pretty badass channel.  Not only did they show videos, but they showed a lot of obscure shit too.

These days, the only thing MTV and MTV2 show are crappy reality shows (Real World - now completely stupid and irrelevant, True Life, America’s Best Dance Crew, Made, etc) crappy dating shows (Next, Date My Mom, the Ex-Factor, Tila Tequila) and now they even show shitty movies like Legally Blonde.  MTV2 might as well be renamed the Rob and Big channel because it’s all they ever show.

VH1 hasn’t shown a video in probably eight years either.  While their programming is better (Rock of Love - Awesome, Best Week Ever - Great, etc), they don’t show any music.

In fact, the only channel I know of that shows videos anymore is Fuse, but come on, who the hell watches Fuse?

So why do bands still waste time and money making videos?  I know they make them, you can find them on Youtube if you care enough.  Thanks to MTV, the music video is officially obsolete - ironic, huh?  Video Killed the Radio Star, and MTV Killed the Music Video.

Anyway, those are my current thoughts, nothing really good.  So…there you go.