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Hey, do you remember Scary Movie?  It came out in…like 1999?  Wayne’s brothers?  Was really funny (the first few times)?

I remember it.

Do you remember Scary Movie 2?  Came out in like 2002?  Wayne’s brothers?  Was kinda funny but not particularly great?

Yeah, I remember that one too.

Remember Date Movie?  Or Meet the Spartans?  Or Superhero Movie?

No?  Why not?  Because the were abominable?

Now I don’t speak from experience because I’d rather watch a marathon of Crossroads (currently in rotation on Bravo for some reason) but I have to assume that all of these movies are horrible.  Everything about them looks horrible.

And now, opening yesterday, Disaster Movie.  I’m not even sure that’s a real genre to be made fun of.  And apparently it’s not because in the previews on television they seem to be making fun of Kim Kardashian and Juno…so maybe I’m missing something.

In any case, STOP MAKING THESE MOVIES.  It’s so incredibly lazy and they look the opposite of funny.  I could probably write one of these in an afternoon and it would be equally as entertaining.

Please.  Please.  No more parody movies.

The Post had a small blurb on this today that I skimmed if only because I thought the same thing last night watching the DNC coverage, which basically is: who the fuck cares what Michelle Obama has to say?

Other than the conservative right who think she’s an anti-American terrorist, I don’t know why anyone cares what she has to say.

Is Michelle Obama running for president?

No.

Then I don’t care what she has to say.  I’m glad that Michelle Obama loves her husband and her family.  But I don’t care.  At all.

And that canned shit they did after she spoke and Obama was live via satellite and his little daughter had the mic and was like “daddy where are you?”  Please.  I suppose this was supposed to be cute.  But it was fucking stupid.  It was completely fucking stupid.  And, for the record, I LIKE Obama.  If my vote mattered in Texas (it doesn’t and please do not leave any comments telling me it’s thinking like this blah blah blah because you’re wrong) I’d even register to vote for him.

But I hate this kind of crap.

I get that he’s doing his best to portray himself as a family man with a wonderful family, blah blah blah, but I don’t give a shit about this and neither should the voting population of this country.

That’s the problem with this election and every election that I can remember in my lifetime (and I’m sure it goes past then).  Issues become irrelevant.  Economy?  Iraq?  Okay, those things are sort of important but let’s sorta push them aside.  Here’s what’s apparently important:  Is Obama and elitist?  Is it outrageous that Mccain doesn’t know how many houses he owns?  Reverend Wright is an American hating terrorist!  Mccain doesn’t know how to use email!

I mean, seriously.  Who fucking cares.  This shit is so annoying.  The real question should be who will be a better president of this country.  Who will best represent this country in the four years that are about to follow one of the worst administrations in this nation’s history?

I don’t give a shit about what Michelle Obama thinks.  She’s not running for president.  I get why she HAD to speak and I get why they HAD to do that shitty canned back and forth last night after she spoke.  It’s sad that it HAS to be this way.

Thought number 1:

Have you seen the AT&T commercial with the girl who is freaking out because she doesn’t know that he’s in town signing autographs?  She’s got Michael Phelps shit all over her apartment and her “other self” or whatever is basically having a nervous breakdown because she is going to miss Michael Phelps.

It’s actually a little scary.  In fact, I think Phelps is probably lucky that she doesn’t make it to his autograph signing.  If this girl was a real person and this wasn’t a commercial, I think it’d probably be in his interests to get a restraining order against this chick.  Seriously.  Think about this the next time you see the commercial (which you will probably a thousand times in the next week).  Stalking is not cool.

Thought number 2:

Have you all read these stories about how Phelps has probably earned himself $100 million dollars from these Olympics?  ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS.  Apparently, he was making something like two million from endorsements the last few years and it’s expected that this Olympics will double or triple his income over the next 10-20 years.

That.  Is.  Ridiculous.

Michael Phelps never needs to leave his couch again.  Okay, maybe he needs to get up like once a week to film a commercial or shoot an ad.  But other than that, he never has to do anything ever again.

He’s 23 years old.

He’s 23 years old and he never has to do anything ever again.

Even professional football and basketball players “work” until they’re in their 30’s.  And then since most of them completely mismanage their money they have to continue working as coaches, on television, as executives for teams, etc.

Michael Phelps is 23.  And he never has to do anything ever again.

I’m going to repeat that again.  He’s 23.  And he never has to do anything ever again.  Ever.  Until he dies.

Man.  I used to think that I wish I could be an NBA player.  Seems like a pretty sweet life.

Well no more.  I wish I was Michael Phelps.  Because he’s 23.  And he never has to do anything ever again.

For the record, this doesn’t seem to be his plan.  I ready somewhere that he plans of moving back to Baltimore and swimming/coaching there.

Are you fucking kidding me?  This dude is going to be making like 10 million dollars a year for the next (at least) ten years and he’s going to MOVE TO BALTIMORE?  You know what I would do if I was making 10 million dollars a year for doing nothing?

Well, I’m not sure.  BUT I WOULDN’T BE IN BALTIMORE.

Anyway.  That’s it.  Congratulations Michael Phelps.  You are awesome.  Don’t move to Baltimore.

I don’t know where NBC dug this lady up, but she’s helping ruin my Olympic experience.  Seriously, it pains me to watch her.  She just looks awkward on camera, her voice is…strange, and she’s utterly unlikeable.  At least I think so.

All these little stories about Mary Carillo wandering around Beijing suck.  I’d rather watch equestrian than this woman.  I’d rather watch skeet shooting.  There’s gotta be something else going on.

Am I alone on this?

Man.  Michael Phelps is badass.

But it’s not the swimming or the dedication to the sport I admire so much.

What I admire is that he’s, what, 24 years old and because of his fame and endorsement deals he never has to work a day in his life ever again.

In fact, if he wants, he can probably quit swimming today and spend the rest of his life hanging out and doing nothing.

That is super badass.  I wish I could do that.  I think I’m gonna write him a letter.

I still have nothing.

I wonder if they’re sending them to me direct from Germany.  Maybe Dirk Nowitzki is going to deliver them.  Maybe they’re coming by Pony Express.  I really don’t know but it’s been like two and a half weeks and I’m starting to think it’s not happening.  I know there are lots of people out there waiting for my review (by “lots” I mean “three”).  And I do know there are lots of people still finding my blog by looking for information about Shamwows.  Come on Vince.  I’m still waiting.

So I was watching Fight Club last night.  You might recall the scene where Edward Norton is in his boss’s office and he beats the shit out of himself.  In this scene, his boss picks up a phone and calls security.

This happens a lot in movies and on television.  Someone is in an office somewhere doing something crazy and someone picks up a phone and calls “security.”

I realize that in big office buildings, I’m sure there is security around somewhere.  But, in real life, how often does someone really get on a phone and yell “Security!”

I’ve never seen it.

Is it someone’s job to sit around next to a phone all day waiting for someone to call them and yell “Security!”  If so, that sounds like a boring fucking job.  I bet it doesn’t happen much.

Okay this isn’t really funny but it was to me for a second last night.  I’m sorry I wrote this.

For the record, my new blog is up and running. You know what that means - one more reason to neglect this blog!

But no, I have lots of time. I’m like Michael Phelps. You know, according to NBC, all Phelps does is eat, sleep, swim, and win gold medals. I’m like that. Minus the swimming. And substitute “winning gold medals” with “selling napkins.” Also, sometimes I take shits. Apparently Michael Phelps doesn’t do that.

Anyway, go check out the new blog. Bookmark it. Or not. I don’t really care what you do. I never really liked you in the first place.

The Letter To

Hey, nothing’s off limits here.

Just watching some Olympic coverage and Bob Costas was talking to that lesbian lady whose name I don’t know.  She’s the one that they’ve been sending all around Beijing doing all kinds of cool looking shit.  Well tonight, she spent some time checking out food around town, which looked pretty badass to me.

Anyway, they cut back to her talking to Costas and he said something like “Tomorrow you should do a piece on traffic here.  Have you seen the way people drive?  They’d make New York City look like Mayberry.  Cutting across lanes, swerving around bicyclists…”

Note to Bob Costas:  You’re in a nation filled with Asian people and you’re shocked at how bad the drivers are?  This is a surprise to you?  Next are you going to go to one of the softball games and be surprised at how many lesbians are on the field?

Sorry, it had to be said.  Sorry Hazel.

Anyone’s who has followed my writings for the past eight or so years should know about my infatuation with the movies that they play on AMC - American Movie Classics.

In short, I’m pretty sure that AMC has managed to change the meaning of the word “classic,” given the filthy and garbage they allow on their channel.

But tonight…well tonight is going to seal it for me.  Tonight, as I’m writing this, AMC is showing my favorite *bad* movie of all time - Road House starring one Patrick Swayze.

Now, is this on AMC because it’s classically horrible, or because they somehow consider it a classic movie in the actual sense of the word?

Road House, featured at one of my Bad Movie marathons several years ago, is without question the best bad movie ever, at least that I’ve seen.  It’s completely comically terrible.  Some of the things featured in this movie include Patrick Swayze ripping someone’s throat out, the most ridiculous “club” in the history of time that for some reason sits in the middle of some nowhere town, Patrick Swayze as a Tai-Chi practicing, philosophy majoring “cooler” which I guess is what they think is a badass word for bouncer.

This movie is full of amazingly hilarious moments of unintentional comedy.  Is this why it’s on AMC?  I may never know.  But I do know this: AMC - you’ve failed America once again.

Something I wonder this time once every two years:

What do Olympic athletes do during the four years the Olympics are going on?  Aside from say, the men’s and women’s basketball teams, and to a lesser degree “star” athletes like Michael Phelps, what do these people spend their time doing?

I mean, as far as I know, there isn’t a lot of money in cycling (unless you’re Lance Armstrong), Judo, or Rowing.

I understand these people probably spend a good portion of their time training, but what does a 22 year old hurdler do to pay rent?  How’s a high diver supporting his children?

NBC is going to spend entirely too much time during this Olympics, and every Olympics until the end of time, giving us feel good stories about athletes from all over the world without answering any of the questions I want to know about.

How are amateur boxers affording dinner?  What’s a backstroke swimmer doing to pay the electric bill?

I’m going to get to the bottom of this.

Hey, I work at a job where shipping time is a top priority.  I spend at least an hour a day (okay, 10 minutes) looking at a map of the US, and going on the UPS website (sorry Fedex, you lose) to check out transit times.  And I know that Austin, TX is no more than a four day ship point from anywhere in the US - four days if you’re in like Maine or…Venus (not technically part of the US) and I STILL have not received my Shamwows.

Look, Shamwow guys, I know I’m not top priority for you.  There are tens of thousands of people interested in your product.  Just today my buddy saw my Google Chat away message that said something about Shamwow, and without even reading my blog was like “Dude, that infomercial is awesome but I hate that douchebag,” (no joke).  So I know that some asshole (me) with some blog (this one) is not top priority.  But…over a week later, I still have nothing.

Was I duped?

Tell you what, if I was duped and I’m not receiving any Shamwows…well I feel like a fucking moron.  My first letter on the new blog (to be launched soon, I’m still contemplating layouts) was going to be to Craig Kilborn (to boost traffic since he’s so popular) but if I was duped and I don’t get any Shamwows, well, the first letter is to you guys.

And for the record, I think I’ve used more parenthetical notes in this post than any post ever (seriously, look it up).

Where are my Shamwows?  Was I duped?  I was so excited.  And to date…nothing.  I’m counting on this thing to change my life.  Seriously.

I am a sad man.  Okay.  Child.

Well, two people said it was a good idea and that’s good enough for me.  I just registered www.theletterto.com (my best ideas were taken) which will be up and running within the next few days.

Already did it.  He did not respond.

http://copyandcigarettes.com/?p=86

I’ve been contemplating buying a new domain and starting a new (and second) blog.  That blog will be dedicated to writing open letters to famous people, non-famous people, and maybe even inanimate objects or ideas.

I got the idea when Vince, the Shamwow guy, actually read the open letter I wrote to him.  I highly doubt most of the people I write to will actually read the letters, but hell, I don’t have a lot to do with myself and I do have the $12 or whatever it is to buy a domain.  Also, I’m an expert at installing wordpress.

Anyone have any thoughts on this idea?  Is it worth my time?  Is it worth my energy?  Most importantly, is it worth my $12?

Not really an update, but I have received several emails (okay, one email) asking me if I’ve received the Shamwow yet.

No, I have not.

Believe me, as soon as I do, I plan on doing a thorough testing.  And after I do the thorough testing I’ll probably drink a beer or five.

After that, I’ll probably play some Xbox.  Maybe some online poker.

But after that, AFTER all that, I’ll write my review.

My life?  Yeah, it’s pretty owesome.  (I know how to spell awesome)