copyandcigarettes.com

Note: Vince and the rest of Shamwow guys, you were warned.

Do you ever sit around watching the Game Show Network and in between episodes of laughing your ass off at the comedic genius Richard Karn catch the commercials for Shamwow?

Well if so, then you might be wondering if this product actually works.

No, it does not.

In fact, SHAMWOW SUCKS BIG FAT DONKEY BALLS.

Shamwow might in fact be, the crappiest thing you could ever buy from an infomercial.  Instead of buying the super shitty Shamwow, maybe you should buy yourself a juicer, Crazy Putty, Oxyclean, or a Raised Aerobed.  Why?  BECAUSE SHAMWOW SUCKS BIG FAT DONKEY BALLS.

I can’t believe they can even get away with selling this thing.  First of all, it’s made in Germany.  And while Vince Offer, “The Shamwow Guy,” claims that Germans make good things, what he fails to mention is that ALL GERMANS ARE NAZIS.  Vince Offer also fails to mention that SHAMWOW SUCKS BIG FAT DONKEY BALLS.

If this is the best that German engineering has to offer, well then I am not impressed.  Vince is wrong, you’re better off spending hundreds of dollars a month on paper towels than investing in even one super shitty piece of junk Shamwow.

Vince Offer brings shame onto all the great infomercial peddlers such as the Juiceman, Billy Mays, and the Midgets who sell Real Estate.  If there’s one thing in the world that SUCKS BIGGER DONKEY BALLS THAN SHAMWOW it would have to be VINCE OFFER.  Vince Offer’s stomach is so full of giant donkey balls that he can’t even eat an entire meal.

SHAMWOW SUCKS!

I guess the big news last week is that Clay Aiken came out of the closet.

This is news?  Really People Magazine?

Do you think there’s anyone out there who reads People magazine that was surprised to see this?  Is there anyone out there dumb enough who was like “Holy fucking shit!  Clay Aiken is gay!  My whole world is upside down!”

What I really wonder is if there is anyone out there who is a huge Clay Aiken fan but also really hates gay people.  Is this person having an existential crisis right now?  “How can I justify my love for Clay Aiken now that I know he’s a dirty homo?”

The part that’s really tough is that he just had a kid.  And I feel really, really bad for his kid.  Not because his father is gay though.  But because his father is Clay Aiken.

I guess they asked Lance Bass what Clay Aiken should expect now that he’s out.  Um, a lot more dick?  Yeah, I’m going to go with that.

What next?  Dinah Lohan is a terrible mother?  Sarah Palin doesn’t know what a vice president does?

Driving home today I saw a bumper sticker that said “Please be Kind to Cyclists.”

What does that even mean?

If I’m out at lunch and some idiot in spandex and a helmet walks in, am I supposed to buy him a drink?  Do I ask him how his wife and children are?

I mean, I’m kind to cyclists in the sense that you know, I try to avoid hitting them with my car when I’m driving.  Is that what this sticker is supposed to mean?  I think it is.  If so, shouldn’t it just say “Please try to avoid hitting cyclists while you’re driving?”

Please be Kind to Cyclists is just so…general.  And do we even really need stickers that say “Please try to avoid hitting cyclists while you’re driving?”

Here are some other bumper stickers this guy should have on his car:

“Try to not run down blind people crossing the road.”

“Always stop at red lights!”

“Don’t get carjacked!”

Stupid.

Joe, I was actually home this past weekend.  I may or may not be moving back soon and will always be down for cards if/when I am.  You ever hear from Doodle?  Brock is the man.

Arlene, no time.  Perhaps next time.

That is all.

So I read today that MTV has canceled TRL, formerly called Total Request Live.

For the record, that now means that MTV will now show, as I calculate it, 0 hours of music television.  So without the one hour block of music (that was really probably like 25 minutes worth of music) now gone, what can MTV’s viewers expect?

Well they can expect fine programming like “Next, Parental Control, whatever shitty season of the Real World they’re up to, From G’s to Gents, My Super Sweet 16, Made, etc.”

TRL might be best known for introducing Carson Daley to the country, so we also have that to rue.

Christ almighty I’m glad I retired from MTV last year.  They apparently had their Music Video Awards last weekend, but how do you give out awards when you never show music videos?

What a joke.

So RIP music videos.  There’s always Fuse I guess.

So I was home this past weekend and the prevailing question was “So what happened with the Shamwows?”

Apparently, it was all the rage back home.  No less than five people asked me about it.  And that’s a lot considering I only talked to like three people while I was there.  I’ve also received an email or two asking “Hey, did you ever get the Shamwows?”

Well.  No.  No I did not.

I’m actually pretty pissed off about the whole thing.

So tonight, I was going to get on the Shamwow blog and say something to Vince, but, get this - IT’S GONE.  The Shamwow blog is no more.

So, what the hell happened here?

Is it conceivable that the following sequence of events occurred -

1)  I write a post about the Shamwow

2) Some guy finds my blog (not Vince Offer of Shamwow fame)

3) Said guy, let’s call him Jim, decides “Hey, I’m gonna fuck with this blog writer.”

4) Jim creates a wordpress blog all about Shamwow

5) Jim comments on my blog claiming to be Vince and directs me to his Wordpress blog

6) Meanwhile, Jim posts regularly on the Shamwow blog so it appears legit

7) Jim tells me to email some guy at Shamwow asking for my free Shamwows

8) Jim somehow hacks into Shamwow’s web server, or somehow spoofs the email and emails me back from a Shamwow address posing as “Jolie” and telling me they’re sending Shamwows.

9) Jim laughs at my stupidity.

Is this possible?  Does someone have the time and energy to fool me and my dozen readers?  If so, nicely played Jim.  Nicely played.

If the above events did not happen, and Vince Offer just decided to renege on our agreement, well that’s messed up.

So I’m laying it out on the table here -

Vince, I’m giving you and the rest of the guys at Shamwow one week to get in contact with me.  I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt right now, perhaps your latest shipment from Germany got delayed or something.  But it’s been over a month since our last communication and I have received nothing.  And your blog is no more.  If I don’t hear from you within a week, well, this blog might get a little bit negative towards your product.  And my dozen readers will be seriously upset.  You have one week.

Righteous Kill comes out tomorrow.  I’m contemplating whether or not I want to see it.  Of course, there are a number of other movies out/coming out I would like to go see: Burn After Reading, Choke, Hamlet 2, etc.

I feel like most people think that Righteous Kill is going to be great because of the two main stars: DeNiro and Pacino.  But it also stars…Brian Dennehy?

On my old webpage, maybe seven or so years ago, I once wrote a post all about Brian Dennehy.  You’ve probably forgotten, but he had a very short lived sitcom on NBC called “The Fighting Fitzgeralds.”  I didn’t watch a second of it but I remember writing at the time something to the effect of “Brian Dennehy?  Comedy king Brian Dennehy?  I’m sure this will last three episodes.”  And I think that’s about how many episodes it lasted.  Three.

But this post isn’t to knock on Brian Dennehy, Comedy Legend.  This is to remind folks that not everything Deniro or Pacino is in turns to gold.  Sure, combined, they are in some fantastic movies.  The Godfather, Taxi Driver, Casino, Goodfellas, Heat, Dog Day Afternoon, etc.  It’s a long list of great movies.

But let us not forget: Hide and Seek, Showtime, The Score, 15 Minutes (easily one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen), The Fan, Two for the Money, The Recruit.

So just remember, when you head to the theater to see Righteous Kill, not everything these guys do is excellent.

And seriously, 15 Minutes is incredibly terrible.

Christ almighty, did anyone else watch an episode of Hole in the Wall yet?  This “new” show on Fox where people have to jump through…a hole in a wall?

I use quotations marks around the word new because this show is not new at all, it was blatantly taken from a show in Japan.  Clips of that show have been on Youtube for quite some time actually.  In fact, I could be wrong because I’m not an expert on Japanese television, but I don’t think their show is dedicated just to the Hole in the Wall part, I think it’s more of a mixed bag of ridiculous games.

And it’s easy to see why.  This show is fucking stupid.  You watch it for five minutes and yeah, maybe it’s moderately entertaining or funny.  You watch it for a half hour and you want to throw your head through your television.

This is yet another problem with America.  Why are we constantly stealing other countries shitty television shows and making them our own?  Big Brother, Deal or No Deal (longtime readers will know my feelings on that idiotic show), American Idol - all stolen ideas that started in other countries.

Why don’t we steal something good?

For instance, I can’t believe that we haven’t stolen Ninja Warrior and made it our own.  Ninja Warrior kicks ass.  Sure, we sorta stole it with that incredibly shitty ABC show (the name I cannot think of right now) but we should steal it for real.

What better country for Ninja Warrior than the US?  It already has a built in market since G4 shows it CONSTANTLY.

So here’s what I’m begging television execs: stop stealing shitty shows, dumbing down this country even more, and bring us American Ninja Warrior.  You’ll thank me later.

I really hate that the Washington Post allows user comments on all these political opinion pieces and stories.  Why?  Because 75% of the commenters are clearly idiots.  So I guess they’re pretty representative of the rest of the country.  I don’t know why I read the comments, it’s usually pretty shameful.  But today I saw one that I thought hit the nail on the head and I thought I’d post it here:

Maybe I should rename this blog. It just seems that most of my thoughts that I can write about relate to the election. Because it’s everywhere.

And guess what - I’ve got bad news.

You heard it here first -John McCain is going to win.

Listen, I’m not happy about it.  But it’s true.

There are three reasons as far as I can see the McCain is going to win, and unfortunately none of them have anything to do with policy.

1) The republicans are spectacular at campaigning.  No sarcasm.  It’s true.  They are.

2) The democrats are terrible at campaigning.  Abysmal.
3) The majority of the population of this country is stupid.

You tie these three things together, and you’ve got a John McCain victory.

According to the latest polls today, McCain and Obama are neck and neck.  Just a week ago, Obama was supposedly up by as much as 10 points in some polls.  10 to 0 in a week.

And why?

Well, for the above three reasons.

I think the republican campaign is completely disgusting.  Let’s just look at Palin for now.  So 10 days ago or so Palin is announced as the VP candidate.  Since then, she has yet to speak to the media.  According to CNN tonight, in modern history, this is the longest any VP candidate has gone without talking to the media after becoming the nominee.

And why?  Well, the REAL reason is that she’s completely inexperienced and unprepared to handle the media.  However, in just ten days, the republicans have already positioned her as this poor woman from Alaska who is constantly under attack by the liberal, sexist media.  So why should she speak to them?  Oh, poor vice presidential candidate can’t talk to the media because they’re mean to her!

No.  The truth of the matter, not that you’ll hear it from the republicans, is that the other three people involved in this election have been talked about for the last six months to two years.  We know Obama (although the republicans say we don’t, after all he might be a muslim), we know Biden, and we know McCain.  Up until ten days ago, nobody knew who the hell Palin was.  So yeah, I think the media has a job to do by looking into her background and finding out who she is.  If some of the things she’s done appear to be negative, or, you know, completely the opposite of what she says (this whole earmark issue, the bridge to nowhere, getting rid of excess spending and then billing the government for sleeping in *her own house*) well what do the GOP say?  “Oh this sexist liberal media!  We must protect our candidate from this horrible treatment!”

And, amazingly enough, it seems to be working.

Another example: remember how Obama used to be the “Change” guy and the GOP was all “Okay, you can talk about change but what have you actually done?  Our guy has been in Washington for 25 years!”

Well now, apparently, McCain is the “Change” guy!  See, the GOP said, “Wow, the idiotic American public is actually buying this change crap!  Oldy Olsen over here hasn’t changed shit in 25 years!  I know, let’s just SAY he’s going to change things, give no evidence to support this, completely disregard his voting record and his ties to George Bush, and insult Barrack Obama as a community organizer, and call it a day.”

And it’s working.

It’s working.

I repeat: this strategy is working.  And why?

Well, for reasons above number 2 and number 3.

Because while all of this is going on, Obama’s campaign is getting lost in the jumble.  Now, instead of “We’re about change,” and “Hey, didn’t this asshole have a job in Washington for 25 years and not change anything,” and “Hey, that Bush guy in the White House?  The guy that sucks?  Well McCain is him.  Again,” they’re about “Hey, this Palin lady is totally unqualified.  Didn’t you say our candidate is unqualified?”

The democrats are pathetic.  Obama’s campaign is going down the fucking toilet because their strategists suck.  I realize it’s nice and good to run a clean, honest campaign.  But the democrats really need to pull their heads out of their asses and see what the fuck is going on.  What they’re doing DOES NOT WORK.  What the republicans do WORKS.  Lie, ignore facts, blame the press, attack your opponent.  That’s it.  That’s what wins.  The democrats need to forget the hypocrisy and the double standards of the GOP and just do the same thing.

Perhaps if Obama starts talking about his 25 years of experience in Washington, people will start to believe that too.  Just repeat it over and over.  Eventually, the idiots in this country will say “Wait, I thought he had no experience.  Maybe I mis-heard that from the republicans for six straight months.  I guess he does have 25 years of experience.  But I’ve already forgotten if that’s important or not.  I’m going to go watch Deal or No Deal.”
Palin is scheduled to speak on Thursday, September 11.  Oh, wow, September 11?  Really?  I bet that wasn’t carefully thought out.  And now, given all the criticism the media has taken from the GOP for their “disrespectful treatment” of her, how is this interview even going to go?

This whole thing makes me sick.
So there you go.  President McCain.  Get used to it.  Let’s just hope he stays alive long enough to ride out the term because #2 is a terrifying thought.

Sometimes, because I live a fairly uneventful and boring life, I reread the shit I write here.  It’s funny how much I forget.  I realize that most of what I write isn’t particularly funny, but sometimes I go back and read old stuff that makes me laugh.  So I thought I’d repost this.

How To Create A Super Awesome Myspace Page! LOL!!

Okay, check it out.  Here’s exactly how to make a super sweet Myspace page for all of ur friends to see.  Trust me on these tips, I like, totally know what I’m talking about!

1.  First, and most importantly, choose a background that makes it nearly impossible to read any text on your page.  Stuff with patterns or pictures of hot boys will like, totally do the trick!  If you do this, people will have to spend, like, ten times as much time on your page because they have to struggle to read anything, LOL!

2.  Add as many picture slideshows as possible!  Myspace is like, so totally cool because u can add like, as many slideshows as you want!  Maybe one day Tom will let you post more pictures in your profile, but until then, just keep adding slideshows!  Don’t worry that it will take the average computer three hours to load ur page, cause like, pics are totally important and kewl.

3.  LOL, I just found out that now you can post up to 300 PICTURES ON UR PAGE!!  That’s like, so totally awesome!!  But even so, u should still have like, as many picture slideshows as possible!!

4.  If ur ugly, post lotsa pics of your body.  note: u better have a hottt body!  even if ur pretty, u should still have lotsa pics of ur body so boys will send you messages and try to be ur friend!!

5.  Add a song!  I mean, everyone loves music, right?  LOL!  make sure it’s some super cool dance song so that way people will think that u like to party!!  everyone wants to be friends with u if they think your a partier!  LOL!

6.  Add as many friends as you can!  it doesnt even matter if like, you dont know who they are, just add add add!  the more friends on myspace u have, the cooler u are, duh!!

7.  Add graphics that sparkle!  This will like, make your page totally pretty and kewl!

8.  Under ur favorite books, right “i only read magazines” because who has time to read a hole book?  LOL!

9.  Make sure u also have lotsa pics of u at a bar or a club!  bars and clubs are fun!

10.  Most importantly, HAVE FUN!  ur myspace page is like, a total reflection of who u are!  and u want to make sure that everyone thinks ur cool!

I slept through McCain’s speech.  I read about it later.  More of the same.  I think it’s quite funny that the GOP is trying to market McCain as an Agent of Change.  Maverick.  It’s comical.  They tell us that we need to get rid of the liberals in Washington.  They’re the ones to blame.  But, correct me if I’m wrong, 5 of the last 8 years it was the GOP that had the majority of the House, the Senate as well as “running” the executive branch.

The other thing that I think is comical is how they’re trying to position Obama.  Most of the speakers decided to relegate Obama’s entire career as a “Community Organizer.”  They say it with such disdain and disgust.  Giuliani did it the best.  “Community Organizer?  What’s that??”  Palin said something similar.  “Being a mayor is a lot like being a community organizer.  Except with actual responsibilities.”

It’s as if the GOP conveniently forgot what Obama has been doing the last 15 years.  Like the top of his resume is Community Organizer.  I believe this is something he was doing in Chicago in his mid 20’s.  It’s as if I was running for president and everyone kept referring to me as a waiter at Pizzaria Uno’s.  “Being a mayor is a lot like being a waiter at Pizzaria Uno’s.  Except I don’t get hit on my 15 year old girls or have to work on New Year’s Eve.”

I’ll openly admit that Obama has less experience than most people who run for President.  I’m also of the feeling that having a whole hell of a lot of experience seems to make much of a difference.  Career politicians have been elected as president and proceeded to fuck things up pretty bad.  But the GOP acts as if the role of president is the very first time Obama will be in any kind of elected office.  It would be laughable if it weren’t so disgusting.

But the part in all of this that I think most people aren’t even realizing is the absolute disdain the GOP seems to have for people who take low-paying/non-paying roles doing community service.  It’s like “Community Organizer?  Was he even getting paid to do that?  I mean, nobody bribes community organizers, right?”  It’s not like the guy was a prostitute or drug dealer or something back when he was 25.  But they’re doing their best to make it sound like that the way they use the term Community Organizer.  “Ugh…working with the COMMUNITY?  That’s so beneath us!”
And of course in regular republican fashion, they spent the last six months bashing his experience and then nominate a woman with MUCH less experience than him and then their argument becomes “Well, she’s only running for VICE-PRESIDENT.  Duh.”  It must be so hard for these people to talk out of both sides of their mouths at once.

The real problem though, I believe, is that in the end we all lose.  If Obama does indeed become president, I’m pretty sure the GOP will spend the next four years doing their best to get nothing done so that in 2012 they can say “We told you so.”  And, because the democrats aren’t exactly saints either, if McCain wins the same will also probably be true.

As I get older I find myself following politics more and more intently so I don’t have a lot of experience to draw from, but as far as I can tell, this is the most bitterly divided government that I can ever remember.  It’s no wonder they can’t get anything done.

I just hope that if Obama does win he really can do what many people think he can - which is unite the country.  Because there are going to be some incredibly deep wounds when all is said and done.

Sorry, I can’t do what I did last night.  I felt sick by the time I was done watching and writing.  I’ll do it much more sporadically starting now.

7:49 Some lady namd Florina (she founded Ebay?  Or is she the HP lady?  I don’t know) is talking.  She talks about the world as it will be in 2013 at the end of McCain’s first term.  A few times she mentions the choices that Americans will have.  Except that pesky right to choose.  Also, my favorite part, she says that when McCain starts his term he’ll evaluate every government agency and post the results on the internet.  Whoa whoa whoa, hold up a second, lady. First of all, evaluating every government agency will probably take years, and second of all, is HE going to be the person posting the results on the internet?  Because first someone’s gonna have to teach him how to use a computer.  Ba dum ching.

7:52 Something else funny to me is that the republicans think they’re going to get a bunch of Clinton supporters by putting Palin as the VP candidate.  This pick is still so stupid, but even more so when you have to figure that Governor Palin stands for pretty much the opposite views of Clinton.   Whatever.

8:05 Mitt Romney.  Yawn.  How much do you think these guys hate that Palin is the running mate?  I love watching these republicans, the pundits like Sean Hannity grit their teeth and have to pretend like they actually think that Palin was a great choice.  It must be killing them.  By the way, in case you haven’t heard, if you don’t vote republican then you hate America.  Just a heads-up.

8:10 Hahaha, he just said something about being free from promiscuity.  Yes, free from promiscuity and pregnant 17 year old children.

8:11 “It’s time for the party of big ideas and not the party of Big Brother.”  Maybe nobody has explained the Patriot Act to him.

8:14 Do any of the people in this room know the difference between Muslims and Fundamentalists?

8:17 I have written about this before, but I still don’t totally understand what the republicans mean by bigger government.  It’s always “we’re fighting for smaller government and those dirty liberals want bigger government!”  But…I still do not understand how this affects abortion rights.  Isn’t denying the right to choose bigger government?  Do they just mean that they just want to slash and get rid of all social service programs?  Can someone explain this to me?

8:21 Oh good.  Huckabee is about to speak.  I LOVE JESUS.

8:26 I also love that Obama’s title has been relegated to Community Organizer.  I think in response the democrats should start referring to McCain as “That Old Geezer.”

8:28 Huckabee understand how terrible racism is and says something nice about Obama…wait for it…wait for it…

8:29 Waiting…

8:30 Hmm…no direct shot.  Um, Huck?

8:31 Oh wait there it is.  Apparently Europe sucks.  And there he goes about less government.   Which again, I’m still not sure what that means.

8:40 Thank God that’s over.  Only 40 minutes to Palin!!

9:00 Giuliani.   Hahahaha.  “Every four years we’re told this is the most important election of our lifetime.  Well this time, it really IS the most important election of our lifetime.”  Well played.  The fun fact at the bottom of the screen says he supports abortion rights, same sex civil unions and gun control.  I think you’re on the wrong team, guy.

9:07 “He worked as a community organizer.”  LAUGHTER THROUGHOUT THE ROOM.   First black guy sighting of the night.

9:15 I’m getting off computer to watch Palin downstairs.

10:10 Speech over.  I thought she was okay but I couldn’t help but wish her future son-in-law to add his two cents.  “I’m a fucking redneck!”

Goodnight.

I shoulda started this earlier. I’ll start now and maybe even do it the rest of the week if it’s funny enough to me.

Just turned it back on.

7:52 Some lady named Rachel Lampa (or is it Rachael? I don’t know and apparently neither does CNN) is singing some song. I don’t know who the hell this lady is but she is amazingly hot. Maybe I will vote for McCain. I hear she’s as experienced as that Palin lady.
7:53 Oh, she’s a “Christian singer/songwriter” who was voted the best female artist by Christ Community Magazine. She’s just my type. Minus all that Jesus stuff. Don’t you just love the separation of church and state?

7:54 Oh great, she’s singing again! It’s a song called blessed. And you know what? It’s not so bad. On mute. Is that a growth on her nose or a stud? I won’t hold it against her if it’s a growth.

7:55 CNN shows a…is that an Indian girl in the crowd? There are dark people at the RNC? Did they get bussed in?

7:57 No really, Rachael/Rachel Lampa has got to be the hottest Christian Singer/Songwriter ever. And I’m pretty sure it’s a stud and not a growth. I think this chick’s about to get an open letter…

8:00 Wolf Blitzer is talking to Anderson Cooper about New Orleans. Yawn. We want Rachael/Rachel Lampa!

8:01 “Oh my god! I’m on tv! Look! I’m on tv! I’m the dumb looking girl behind Anderson Cooper! Look! I’m waving! Look!”

8:03 I just spotted a black person in the crowd. That’s two.

8:05 For the record, earlier there was some discussion about how Sarah Palin hadn’t even left the country until a few years ago. Some Republican strategist then compared her to James Madison saying that he never left the country either. So, for the record, Sarah Palin = James Madison.

8:06 Bush the Elder and Barbara walk in. She looks like warm death in a blue suit.

8:08 Also, earlier when I wasn’t putting down running thoughts, CNN interviewed some lady who had a button on her hat that said “I support unwed mothers.” Really? Okay. Because we all know how much the republican party does to support unwed mothers. Not to mention that the religious right, oh they LOVE unwed mothers. Especially when they’re teenagers.

8:10 Commercials. I really should be watching this on Fox News for the full effect but I think my brain would explode.

8:13 President Bush is only ten minutes away! I’m going to take off my pants.

8:14 Okay I’m turning on Fox News for a minute. Sean Hannity is being a douche. Ugh, I have to change the channel. Back to CNN.

8:18 I could be wrong, but it looks like there are a lot of empty seats. Maybe all of those people couldn’t listen to Sean Hannity either.

8:20 CNN keeps mentioning red meat. I could go for a steak.

8:22 Oh good. Joe Lieberman is speaking later too. If there’s one person who can make me anti-semitic, it’s Joe Lieberman.

8:23 Back to Fox News and…um…Jon Voight is talking to Sean Hannity? That’s the actor, not the dentist. Sean Hannity says that Sarah Palin is pro-choice. She chose to have a family and to be a working mother. Oh, so THAT’S what it means. Thanks for clearing that up, Sean.

8:24 Do these people actually believe the things they say? Seriously, is Sean Hannity for real? He’s surprised because he thought Democrats were all about hard working women, why don’t they like Sarah Palin? Does Colmes EVER talk?

8:26 Wait, he’s talking. Apparently Jon Voight doesn’t think that people have attacked Barack Obama’s religion. I’m glad we heard from Jon Voight. His political thoughts have been insightful, relevant and…wait, sorry, none of those things. You get him Colmes!

8:27 I could be wrong, but I think some guy in a commercial basically said we should be more like Iran.

8:28 Back to CNN. I take back what I said earlier. There are a SHITLOAD of empty seats, unless those entire sections are reserved for…um…people who are fashionably late. Boring, back to Fox News.

8:31 A representative from Indiana, Mike Pence is perfectly okay with the way Sarah Palin was vetted. After all, she’s the governor of the largest state in the nation. Both he and Hannity are unhappy with the way Palin’s pregnant daughter has been “attacked.” I don’t think that’s happened, and neither does Colmes.

8:34 Both CNN and Fox News are showing a video of a Navy Seal who died in Iraq. It’s narrated by Gary Sinese. What, Jon Voight doesn’t do voiceover work?

8:38 Orson Swindle, former POW with McCain to speak. I guess I shouldn’t make any jokes. Alright, taking a break until Bush speaks.

8:44 Oh wait, Laura Bush is coming out to introduce W. Where’s Rachel/Rachael Lampa when you need her?

8:46 She’s proud that America’s first republican vice-president will be a woman. It’s unclear who she’s talking about.

8:46 She says one thing has remained constant. Bush’s love for the United States of America. That and his incompetency.

8:53 Bush. Applause from a few thousand deluded people.

8:53 Bush talks about Gustav and then John McCain. But wait, first a shout-out to mom and dad. Whattup?!

8:56 The words “9 11″ still have not been spoken. Amazing. No, really. Although it was referenced. But only once.

9:00 Hey, another black guy!

9:02 God I can’t wait til this guy isn’t the president anymore.

9:04 Laura Bush, taking a cue from her husband, mispronounces South Ossetia. That was my favorite part so far.

9:05 Video about Ronald Reagan. I refuse to watch this. I’m going to make some eggs.

9:26 I’ve missed most of Fred Thompson’s speech. It was probably just something about Law and Order.

9:33 Thompson tells us that in the upcoming days, but not now, we’ll here a lot about McCain’s policies. Really? But I thought this election wasn’t about issues. Someone needs to tell Fred Thompson.

9:36 Blitzer mentions red meat again. I’m still without steak.

9:38 Oh great, Lieberman is next. I might not be able to watch.

9:40 And here he is. I can’t stand this guy.

9:42 “What is a democrat like me doing at a republican convention like this?” Well, you’re not a democrat, to start. After losing a primary you became an independent. And secondly, you’re a douche.

9:46 Oh, there it is. 9/11. Thanks Joe! He also mistakenly called it a natural disaster. Almost funny.

9:47 He calls himself a democrat again. That’s really annoying.

9:49 Wait, global warming? Um, Senator Lieberman, if you’ll excuse me, that’s something that liberals made up. We all know that.

9:50 Wait. Wait. Lieberman just mentioned the good things Bill Clinton did and people applauded. Like…balancing the budget. (He left out the part where Bush fucked that up)

9:51 He says some nice things about Palin. Sorry, the more and more I hear about her the more she scares the shit out of me.

9:52 “The bureaucrats and power brokers are not going to be able to build a pen that will hold in these two mavericks.” And he’s right. Because Palin’s packing an AK-47.

10:03 And we end with the closing prayer.  And again, you gotta just love the separation of church and state.  God bless America.

Please…please just watch this.

I really, really, really hope this becomes larger national news:

Rick Davis, campaign manager for John McCain’s presidential bid, insisted that the presidential race will be decided more over personalities than issues during an interview with Post editors this morning.

“This election is not about issues,” said Davis. “This election is about a composite view of what people take away from these candidates.”

Davis added that issues will no doubt play a major role in the decisions undecided voters will make but that they won’t ultimately be conclusive. He added that the campaign has “ultimate faith” in the idea that the more voters get to know McCain and Barack Obama, the better the Republican nominee will do.

Davis generally dismissed the controversies surrounding McCain’s vice presidential pick — Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin — as a media creation but did acknowledge that her acceptance speech, which seems likely to come tomorrow, is critically important to defining who she is to the American public.
As for the speech itself, Davis said a generic, “masculine” speech was being prepared before the pick was made and, now that Palin is the choice, she is adapting the speech to her own needs and personality.

Davis demurred when asked when Palin will sit for interviews with major news organizations, pointing out that now would not be the right time given the “combative” attitude the media has seemingly adopted toward Palin. Pressed on the issue, Davis insisted that “we allot a lot more access in our campaign than any campaign in modern political history….we’ll get around to it.”

On the general election playing field, Davis alleged that Obama had tried — and failed — to expand the political map, and that 11 or 12 states (and maybe as many as 13) would be truly competitive. He added that campaign operatives are feeling better than they did a month ago about Iowa and Minnesota and believe their prospects have not dimmed in any competitive state during that time.

Davis did admit, however, the challenges of running for president as a Republican in this political atmosphere.

“We are in the worst Republican environment since Nixon in 1972,” said Davis. “We take that seriously. We get the joke.”

Where to start…

Well, let’s start at the top.  McCain’s own campaign manager has come out and said that this campaign is not about issues.  Oh, that’s nice.  Sorry, but I think me and most of America would disagree.  Here are a few of those issues that nobody cares about:

Iraq

Gas Prices

Our struggling economy

Healthcare.

Oh, so nobody cares about those I guess.

And I love his defense of why Palin isn’t speaking with the media…aw…the poor vice presidential candidate can’t talk to the media because they’re being hard on her?  Are you fucking kidding me?

I also like the part that there was already a speech written and now it’s just being adapted to the person who will you know, actually be speaking it.

I mean, we all know that the republican party can’t win on issues because they’re wrong on most of them.  But to actually come out and say that they can’t win on the issues, that’s just amazing.

I think the whole McCain campaign is disgusting.  Did anyone happen to catch his spokesman talking to Campbell Brown last night?  It was basically a back and forth of Campbell Brown asking questions about Sarah Palin and the spokesman retorting “well, Barack Obama blah blah blah…”  It was truly a miracle of television in case you missed it.

Anyway, I’ll spend the next few days watching the RNC because if only for comedies sake.

I read the announcement today that Sarah Palin, the Republican Vice-Presidential, has a 17 year old daughter that is 5 months pregnant.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Before I go on, I’d like to reiterate my stance on the election.  I don’t believe this election, or any election, should be based on things not related to actual issues.  I don’t care about Reverend Wright, I don’t care that Mccain doesn’t know how to use email.

And if I voted, which I don’t (come on, I live in Texas), I wouldn’t care that Governor Palin’s 17 year old daughter is pregnant.

It’s a non-issue.

But that doesn’t make it any less hilarious.

Palin, who I’m reading more and more about, happens to be about as anti-women as possible.  Oh, sorry, anti-women = “pro-life,” (see Carlin, George).  So isn’t it absolutely wonderful that Palin’s 17 year old daughter is pregnant?  According to the press release I read, her daughter (whose name is Bristol, which is also hilarious, I mean what a horrible name) plans on marrying the father.

Oh isn’t that wonderful.  Doesn’t it always work out when 17 year old children get pregnant and married?

Talk about the case for abortion.  If ever there was one, this would be it.

Anyway, the more and more I read about this lady, the less I want her one step away from being president.  But at least this is ridiculously funny.