copyandcigarettes.com

Well, that’s it.  I retire.

A search for “Shamwow Douchebag” on Google brings this blog up as number 1.  It’s all very exciting.

By the way, I don’t retire.  It might seem that way from the lack of updates.  I’ve been real busy.  Oh sorry, I meant lazy.

But Vince Offer, the Shamwow Guy, is a total douchebag.  And now hundreds of people who search the internet for that phrase will find me.  Now if only I could get “I want to have sex with the copy and cigarettes writer” to turn up some hits I’d really be onto something…

You know, running up until the election I was on a strickly MSNBC/CNN news diet, with probably 75% of my viewing split towards MSNBC.  But now that it’s over and Obama won, well now it’s all about Fox News, baby!

Seriously, if you’re not watching Fox News these days, you are *missing out*.  My favorite is Hannity and Colmes, although O’Reilly’s been moderately entertaining as well.  I haven’t watched nearly enough, because no matter how funny it is there’s only so much Fox News one person can take.

Anyway, not TWO days after the election, that slimy piece of shit Dick Morris was on Hannity (actually, I think he’s there every night and I also believe he’s a bad representation of us jews, can we kick him out?) and talking out of his ass as usual.

The market tanked another 500 points that day.  Of course, if you recall, in the weeks leading up to the election there were days with swings of 800 points or more.  And Dick Morris, amazing economic expert that he is, blamed the 500 point downturn on OBAMA.

Obama was elected not two days before and is about 50 something days short of taking office, but somehow, some way, HE’S ALREADY RESPONSIBLE FOR A 500 POINT ONE DAY LOSS IN THE MARKET!

Morris explained it’s because Obama wants to raise capital gains taxes, so naturally everyone is pulling their money out of the market!

This guy can’t actually believe he’s saying this can he?  I mean, he can’t actually believe this can he???

Supposing that Obama does plan on raising capital gains taxes, THIS IS NOT HOW THE MARKET WORKS.  THIS IS NOT HOW THE ECONOMY WORKS.

However, I do think it’s particularly awesome that the crazy conservative right has already found ways to blame Obama for the tanking economy a good two months before he takes office.  Pretty awesome.

Here are some other things we can blame Obama for already: global warming (oh wait, it doesn’t really exist), killer bees, any new movie with Paris Hilton.

Really, watch more Fox News.  It’s amazing.

So I apparently had a joke stolen from me the other day by someone at the George Carlin appreciation thing at the Kennedy Center the other night.  I forgot who made the joke (Richard Belzer maybe?) but it was my joke first goddammit.  Sure he gave the abridged version, is much more talented than me, and probably thought of it before I did, but dammit, I thought I was being original?  And now that I’ve given too much intro it won’t be remotely funny.

However, when Barack Obama came out on Tuesday night and gave his acceptance speech, I was like, it would be super awesome if he came out wearing a daishiki.  He could have been like “Praise Allah!  Praise Allah we did it!”  And then Osama Bin Laden would have come out of the crowd and they would have laughed and hugged each other.  “Oh we got them good Osama!  Where’s Bill Ayers, is Bill Ayers in he house?”  And then Ayers would like, blow up half the crowd before leaping on stage.  “My man, Bill Ayers!  We did it, Bill!  Praise Allah”

Of course, none of us would have understood it all anyway since he would be speaking Arabic.

Ba dum ching.

Anyway, maybe that wasn’t that funny.  In Richard Belzer’s performance, he apparently said he was going to give Obama’s inauguration speech and then starting talking in faux arabic.

Yes, yes, very funny Richard Belzer.  I guess I won’t be adding this to my currently non existent routine.  Thank you.

So I got passed along an “Award” from my sister-in-law, which as far as I can tell is a chain letter via blog.  I also received an email from her telling me that I need to update.

And she’s right.  I do need to update.  But give me a break here, I just moved into a new place, work’s stressing me out, there’s an election going on (okay that has nothing to do with anything) AND I’m wanted for double murder.

Okay, everything but the last part.  But I have been moving and I’m finally pretty much settled so hopefully I can get back to blogging.  And what an exciting time to get back to it!  There’s an election on Tuesday!  Basketball season has started again!  The Redskins are 6-2!  I have my own apartment and thanks to this awesome scented candle it smells like pumpkin!  Life is wonderful!

Anyway, according to the “award” I received

(Editor’s note: as I write this I’m watching Sunday Night Football and they’ve now played Evenflow by Pearl Jam and Low by Cracker.  While I love music from the mid 90’s…come on NBC, it’s 2008)

I’m supposed to blog about six things I love.  And I’m in such a great mood this weekend that I won’t even be an asshole and turn this into six things I hate.

On the SIL’s blog (that’s short for Sister-in-Law, I’m not sure if I’m allowed to call her by name even though it’s right there in her blog URL) she didn’t even give reasons.  She just made a list.  Now that some lazy blogging.  So without further ado, here’s my list of six things I love:

1) My New Apartment.  I love my new apartment.  Sure, it’s only been a week that I’ve been in here and any number of disasters could occur.  Rodent infestation.  Flooding.  Blood spewing out of the faucets.  Evil clowns showing up in my closet.   But for now it’s great.  I’m all alone,  I can walk around in my pink tutu all day long without fear of embarrassment, I can get up in the middle of the night and eat an entire box of Thin Mints without fear of being caught and looking like a sad person.  Shit, I can do anything.  I love it.

2) I love the Jealous Sound.  They are the best band ever even if it’s a giant mystery if they’re even still together or alive.  If you don’t know them you should check them out.

3)  I love food.  I love steak and I love chicken wings and I love mushrooms and I love hamburgers and I love strawberries and I love Mexican food and I love Italian food and I love Indian food and I love Thai food and I love Middle Eastern food and I love Chinese food and I love Sushi and I wish I could spend every day sitting around eating.
4)  I love hot candle wax.  I love sticking my finger in it and letting it dry and then peeling it off.  It’s a lot of fun and I’ve recently discovered how happy it makes me.

5)  I love South Park.  It’s the best show on television and if you don’t watch it you’re doing yourself a disservice.  It’s the only show on television that has gotten better every single year.  Even Seinfeld kinda sucked the last season or two.  The Office s starting to trail off (this season has SUCKED).  But South Park.  Well, it never stops getting funnier.

6) I love you.  Because you take out some time every other day to come to my blog and read the stupid shit I write that is mostly not entertaining.

Thank you.

SIL - Am I supposed to pass this thing along to someone?