There will be no updates for the next few days (not that I update nearly as much as I’d like to anyway) as I’ll be home for the rest of the week visiting family and friends. Hope everyone has a wonderful and safe New Year! (Or, if I don’t like you, go fuck yourself)
Merry Christmas, An Update of Our Lives
So ever since my first Christmas in Austin three years ago (Jesus Christ, has it really been three years??) I noticed something.
Since everywhere I’ve lived down here has been pretty temporary (rental house and now my own apartment), multiple people have lived in my homes prior to me. In my old rental house, every Christmas we’d receive Christmas cards for previous residents. And now in my new place, I’ve also received a few Christmas cards for previous residents. A lot of times, these cards will include a picture of some family I don’t know and a one page letter updating me on what everyone’s up to.
For instance, I just got one today. It basically says shit like “Ricky is four years old and he loves cats. He says he wants to be a fighter pilot when he grows up. Samantha is now six and just lost her anal virginity to our German Shepard, Pluto.” Etc.
First of all, what the fuck is the point of all this shit? I mean, clearly these people aren’t great friends considering they didn’t realize the person they sent the card to hasn’t lived in that place in quite some time (we were getting these kinds of cards in our rental house TWO YEARS after we had moved in). So, it’s not like this is a relationship that’s going somewhere.
Basically, it’s like an outdated version of Facebook. It’s like when people from my high school send me friend requests despite the fact that we haven’t spoken since 9th grade. Listen, I don’t give a fuck what you’re up to and no, I don’t want to be your Facebook friend. These lame ass cards are the same thing. Totally stupid. If the person you were sending it to really gave a shit what you and your lame ass family were up to, they might, you know, call you every once in a while to say hi.
Anyway, since I don’t talk to a lot of my friends from home very often, I thought I’d post my own Christmas update letter here. I know, I know, I just berated people who do this, but it could be fun, right?
Dear Friend Who I Haven’t Spoken to in Years,
How are you? First, Merry Christmas. I’m so sorry that we haven’t spoken in X many years. It’s really your fault. I mean, how hard is it to pick up the phone and call me every month or two? Jesus Christ you’re lazy.
Anyway, things are going great down here! I recently moved into my very own apartment, and it is amazing. I really enjoy the privacy because now I don’t have to worry about hiding all of my bestiality videos from my roommates or family. And what a relief that is!
This really was an eventful year. First, I finally kicked my crack habit. It was tough, but after a period of severe withdrawal, I’m finally on the wagon. And all it took was a court order!
Work is going really well. After over a year of hard work and dedication, they promoted me to Assistant to the Sanitation Manager. I know, I know, it sounds pretty great but really all I do is clean up shitty bathrooms. But hey, it beats what I was doing at this time last year, smuggling heroin up my ass from Mexico.
In some sad news, my long-time cat Dolly died. Unfortunately, I cooked her in the microwave when I was tripping on acid and thought she was a demon.
Anyway, I hope you’re doing great. I really miss you all and hope to see you soon! And if not, I’ll update you again on my amazing life this time next year!
With all my love,
Jordan
From the Washington Post:
“Stinging from an acrimonious divorce, a man plotting revenge against his ex-wife dressed up like Santa Claus, went to his former in-laws’ Christmas Eve party and slaughtered at least eight people before setting the house ablaze and, hours later, killing himself, police said.
Bruce Pardo’s ex-wife and her parents remained missing after the rampage, and it was feared their remains were among the ashes of the house. Pardo allegedly used a bizarre homemade device that sprayed flammable liquid before igniting the fire.
Pardo, 45, had no criminal record and no history of violence, according to police, but he was angry following last week’s settlement of his divorce after a marriage that lasted barely a year.
“It was not an amicable divorce,” police Lt. Pat Buchanan said Thursday.
The massacre began, police said, when an 8-year-old girl answered Pardo’s knock at the door. Pardo, carrying what appeared to be a large present, pulled out a handgun and shot her in the face, then began shooting indiscriminately as about 25 partygoers tried to flee.
A 16-year-old girl was shot in the back, and a 20-year-old woman broke her ankle when she escaped by jumping from a second-story window. Those two, and the 8-year-old, remained hospitalized Thursday. All were expected to recover.
The gift-wrapped box Pardo was carrying contained a pressurized device that sprayed a liquid around the house, police said.
When the fire was extinguished early Thursday, officers found three charred bodies in the living-room area.
“They were met with a scene that was just indescribable,” Police Chief Kim Raney said. Investigators found five more bodies amid the ashes later in the day.
None of the dead or missing have been identified.
After setting the fire, Pardo quickly got out of the Santa suit and drove off, witnesses told police. He went to his brother’s home about 25 miles away in the Sylmar area of Los Angeles, police said, where he let himself inside.
Police found Pardo there, dead of a single gunshot to the head.”
If it wasn’t such a tragedy, it would be almost funny.
My favorite part of this story?
“It was not an amicable divorce,” police Lt. Pat Buchanan said Thursday.
Oh, really professor? Which part tipped you off? The part where he killed eight people or the part where he set the house on fire?
I guess the part that confuses me is why this assfuck bothered to dress up as Santa Claus? It’s not like he was a mall shooter or anything. He went to a private party. Why bother with the costume if there’s like, no need to conceal yourself? I mean the first person he shot was an eight year old child.
What a piece of shit. I hope this guy is getting raped by the devil for eternity.
Anyway, Merry Christmas!
Longtime readers know my feelings towards the television station AMC. Mostly, that whoever is running the show over there is a moron.
No need to rehash all of the amazingly terrible movies they show on AMC, if you want you can search for all of my AMC related posts.
However, I was watching AMC the other night because they were showing Casino. Now, I love Casino. It’s a great movie. But, better yet, I love watching it on basic cable because it is AMAZING. Longtime readers also know about my love for watching R rated movies on television because of the dubbing that gets done for various cursing.
And if you want to watch a lot of dubbing over cursing, Casino on AMC is the way to go! Holy shit, they have a lot of work to do.
Probably the best scene is the one that takes place in the desert, where Joe Pesci launches his F-bomb filled tirade at Robert Deniro. On TV it basically sounds like this: “You jew (punk), you dirty (mother loving punk)! Why I oughta (kiss you) and (be your friend)!”
Anyway, AMC cuts to commercial and as they usually do they run a promo for themself. In this particular promo it says “If you’re enjoying Casino, tune in Saturday night for Poison Ivy.”
Wait. Wait a minute. What?? What?? If you like Casino, tune in tomorrow for Poison Ivy?
So basically, AMC is saying “Hey asshole, if you’re enjoying Casino, one of the best movies from the 90’s, you’ll also probably enjoy the Drew Barrymore classic Poison Ivy, probably one of the worst movies from the 90’s.” How do the two relate? How? How is Casino ANYTHING AT ALL like Poison Ivy?
Has anyone ever seen Poison Ivy? Well I have. It’s horrible. Completely horrible. And comparing Casino to Poison Ivy is…well I don’t think there’s a word for it.
So there you go. AMC = FAIL.
More People I Don’t Feel Bad For
In an ongoing series of More People i Don’t Feel Bad For, here’s the latest installment:
I went to Chick-fil-a for lunch today. Love that place. On my way out I noticed a sign standing upright next to the napkins and condiments. It said (paraphrasing):
“This Chick-fil-a has adopted a disadvantaged family this holiday season! The family includes a mother, father, and nine children ranging in ages from 2 to 16. If you’d like to help support them this Christmas you can blah blah blah blah…”
Hmm, I wonder if this family being “disadvantaged” has anything to do with them having NINE CHILDREN. NINE CHILDREN. Look, nobody should ever, EVER have nine children.
Okay, I don’t know these people’s situation. It didn’t give a biography of them. But listen, you want to be poor? You want to be “disadvantaged?” Step One: have way more children than you’re supposed to have.
Okay, the kids, it sucks for them. They didn’t choose to have eight siblings. But the parents? No, I don’t feel bad for them. Unless it’s like John and Kate + 8 where they had twins and then got fucked over by nature and had 6 more at the same time. But I doubt that highly.
To borrow a line from something else, “It’s a vagina, not a clown car.” Human women are not supposed to have nine kids. Families are not supposed to have nine kids. Of course you have no money. YOU HAVE NINE FUCKING CHILDREN.
Do I want to help these people? No. Do I think social services should maybe take some of these kids away? Perhaps. Maybe the mother and father just came into some hard times. The economy sucks. Perhaps they both lost their jobs. But even so, it wouldn’t be as difficult to get by if you DIDN’T HAVE NINE CHILDREN TO TAKE CARE OF.
Shit, one thing I know is for sure: any form, ANY FORM of birth control is cheaper than having nine kids.
So no, I don’t feel bad for these parents. They CHOSE to have nine kids. When you choose to have nine kids and all of a sudden you wake up one day and say “shit, we’ve got no money!” then no, I don’t feel bad for you. I’d rather help someone out who didn’t fuck themselves over by HAVING NINE CHILDREN.
That is all.
Ugh.
I’ll just assume that you read the news. Or pay attention to anything.
Fuck this Blagojevich asshole. I mean, this is beyond belief. Really.
What an arrogant piece of shit. I mean, this fucker KNEW he was under investigation and yet still thought he could get away with SELLING Obama’s vacant Senate seat.
What amazing arrogance of this guy!
But, without discussing much more of what he did because it’ll be beaten to death over the next few weeks, I’d rather discuss the repercussions of which there are two main ones.
The first is the media reaction. Namely, how this will relate to Obama.
Now, as soon as I read this story today I immediately knew I was going to come home and watch O’Reilly and Hannity. Amazingly, O’Reilly didn’t even lead off with this story, and in fact had very little to say about it. Disappointing.
But Hannity, oh that assclown Sean Hannity had plenty to say. Despite the fact that the evidence is pretty clear that Obama had nothing to do with this (there is a TON of exculpatory evidence) Hannity is doing his best to find a way.
He’s already cherry picking quotes and trying to make up something that isn’t there. I fucking hate Sean Hannity.
But the part I’m really interested in is what’s going to happen to Blagojevich. The fucking balls of this guy!
Sadly, I know what will happen. He’ll probably plead guilty to his various crimes and get put away in white collar resort prison for a year or two.
However, in Jordan’s America, this will not happen.
I’m pretty fucking tired of white collar criminals being treated like royalty. They arrested Blagojevich this morning at his house without incident and I’m sure the whole thing went down very smoothly and nicely. It probably started with something like “I’m sorry governor but you’re under arrest.” In Jordan’s America, the police would have kicked this fucker’s door in, hit him with a club a few times before dragging him out of his house by his face.
Why are white collar criminals treated so well? Usually, these are the people that are fucking over way more people than various other criminals. Murderers might kill a few people. Child molesters might abuse a handful of kids. This is all terrible. But when you think of it, Blagojevich was attempting to fuck over MILLIONS of people.
So why treat him well?
I’ll tell you something. I’ve been watching a lot of the show Lockup on MSNBC. Have you seen it? It’s amazing. Watch 15 minutes of Lockup and you will NEVER, EVER want to go to prison. That is, a high security penitentiary. Not some white collar resort prison.
Anyway, they should throw this fucker in one of these places. They won’t even need to sentence him for that long. Say three years. Even less. The fact is, it won’t matter how long they sentence him because the chances of him coming out a live are small.
You throw one white collar criminal asshole like this Blagojevich piece of shit in a real prison, a Lockup prison, and you will see the white collar crime rate drop so fast you won’t even know what happened.
Of course, this won’t ever happen. He’ll serve some bullshit sentence and hundreds of other white collar criminals will keep doing their thing because really, who the fuck is scared of white collar jail? Not these people, obviously.
Well How the Shit Did This Get By Me?
In news that nobody cares about, one of my favorite “bands” to see live “reunited” last month and played one show only. Of course, the show was in Gainesville, Florida, but there’s a small chance that had I known about it I would have made the trip. This music is certainly not for everyone, in fact it’s probably not for most people. But this guy always put on an awesome show, not to mention that he was always a really nice guy (I met him a few times and even played foosball with him once at the Black Cat).
Islamic Terrorists. What’s the Deal?
Got into this conversation the other night with some folks.
I just don’t get Islamic terrorists.
I mean, I get they’re pissed off. That’s not the part I’m talking about.
The part I mean, is that I don’t get the whole 40 virgins thing. What’s so great about going to heaven and having 40 virgins waiting for you?
First of all, who wants to fuck a virgin? That’s no fun. She’s not going to know what she’s doing and she probably isn’t going to be having any fun. And do you get all 40 at once? Or is it like one at a time? And after you fuck them all, they’re no longer virgins. Isn’t that the point to begin with? This whole martyrdom thing doesn’t make a lot of sense.
See, if I was the head of some terrorist organization I’d be promising my “martyrs” 40 slutty chicks up in heaven. I mean, 40 slutty chicks is way better than 40 virgins, right? Like, “Hey, Abdul, here’s what you do: you take this bomb, you get on the bus and you blow yourself up!” “Well why would I do that?” “Because when you die and go to heaven there’s going to be 40 really slutty chicks up there waiting for you.” “I’m in.”
Virgins? Come on, that’s no fun.
And lately the big thing is the recruitment of female suicide bombers. What are these women being promised? I doubt it’s 40 male virgins. You think these extremist muslim women are just dying to get up to heaven and have to teach a bunch of virgin men how to bang her? Doubtful. Do they get promised that they can take off their burqa and walk around for a bit? I have no idea.
But, I guess the true irony is that if an afterlife exists (it doesn’t) these fucking assholes aren’t getting their 40 virgins anyway. Because they’re going to hell and getting fucked in the ass by the devil for eternity. And he’s got razor blades on his cock.