copyandcigarettes.com

“But Obama’s personal salesmanship effort failed to secure a single Republican supporter for the spending plan, which passed on a 244 to 188 vote. Just a day after the president spent more than an hour behind closed doors at the Capitol seeking their support, all 177 House Republicans opposed the measure, arguing that it would spend hundreds of billions of dollars on initiatives that would do little to stimulate the economy. Eleven Democrats opposed the bill.”

So I don’t know too much about this new stimulus bill, but, and I hate to say it, I think I agree with the republicans.

I don’t know the reasons THAT EVERY REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE REJECTED the bill, but I hope it has something to do with the question WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GETTING ANOTHER 900 BILLION DOLLARS FROM? But, if it’s anything like the 800 billion dollar bailout, I’m not overly excited about this.

See, apparently, somehow in the bailouts of all these banks, they put in no provision about not paying enormous bonuses to the executives responsible for all of the collapses. So while most of these people should be OUT OF JOBS and possibly IN JAIL, they’re still getting PAID BONUSES. Are you kidding me?

So, I’m thinking the Republicans actually might know what they’re talking about on this one.

But, I don’t know, I’m not educated on it yet.

In other news, the Washington Post stole another idea for a post of mine when they wrote a story today about how Paul Blart: Mall Cop has been the number one movie two weeks in a row. That’s right, The Post has stolen my ongoing series “America: Land of Idiots.” Well at least my thoughts are popular.

But back to this stimulus thing - it’s a bit scary that not ONE Republican rep voted for the stimulus.  Like, is this some sort of collusion thing where they’re all going to oppose anything that tries to get done in the next four years?  That would be bad.

So one of the big stories today is how NBC is banning some PETA ad that they wanted to air during the Super Bowl.

sidenote #1: Isn’t it obnoxious how nobody is allowed (that is, TV, radio, etc, not me and you) to use the words Super Bowl when talking about the Super Bowl? Have you not noticed this? Did this just start recently? Whenever you hear anything that’s not coming from NBC or the NFL, they have to refer to it as “The Big Game.” Well, I’m not sure if that’s what the HAVE to do, they’re just not allowed to say “Super Bowl.” For instance, your local bar cannot put up signs saying they’re having a Super Bowl Party. Well they can, but they can also be sued for it. So they have to put up signs that say “Big Game Party,” or some other such stupid thing.

I believe the reason is because Super Bowl is now a trademarked name. In fact, I’m not even sure if I’m legally allowed to use Super Bowl in this post. I’ll stop using the words Super Bowl if I get a cease and desist from the NFL I guess. But seriously, this whole Big Game thing is really fucking stupid. Can we please not make the names of sporting events copywritten? Christ almighty. What next? The World Series will have to be referred to as “The big at least four and possibly seven game series?” It’s fucking stupid, and it’s ruining all the Super Bowl buildup for me.

But back to what I was talking about. So this PETA ad is being banned for being too sexy or some other shit. Apparently the ad is a bunch of hot women walking around in their underwear and presumably masturbating with vegetables.

Side note #2: Sue (as in of Talk Sex fame) used to get calls from all kinds of idiot women wanting to stick all kinds of things in their vaginas. “Can I use a telephone? Can I use an Ipod? Can I use my children? Can I use a floor lamp? Can I use a meat cleaver? Can I use a hot dog? Can I use a computer monitor?” But the ever popular “Can I use a cucumber/baby squash/cantelope/carrot/celery stick/pineapple?” For whatever reason, women really want to stick fruits and vegetables inside of them. Sue, as she always did, never got upset or offended. She never said “You dumb slut. Why the fuck would you want to stick an Xbox 360 up your pussy?” She never said it. She always just said something like “Honey, why use that when you can get yourself a nice dildo. If you’re going to use a piece of fruit, at least put a condom on it.”

But back to what I was talking about again. Supposedly this commercial was too hot for broadcast during the Super Bowl (or Big Game as it were) and so NBC has pulled it.

But here’s the thing. A 30 second spot during the Super Bowl costs 3 MILLION DOLLARS. Do you really think Peta had any intention, whatsoever, of actually running this ad?

No, they didn’t. Of course they didn’t. If PETA had 3 million to spend on something, don’t you think they’d use that money to find a way to assassinate Jennifer Lopez or something? They sure as shit wouldn’t use it on a 30 second commercial.

So, rather than spend 3 million dollars to get one billion people to see some commercial once, they spent 0 dollars and are getting one billion people to see the same commercial over and over and over again because EVERY NEWS CHANNEL EVERYWHERE has picked up on the story and how NBC has decided to ban it!

Honestly, I’m impressed with PETA. For a bunch of assholes who don’t know how good a medium rare sirloin steak tastes, they have someone smart running the bunch. Shit, whoever’s running PETA might do a better job running most of this country’s banks! Honestly, they just paid nothing except the cost of making the commercial to get it run on every cable news network and local news broadcast in the country. I missed O’Reilly tonight but I’m sure he’s got something to say about it, as will someone on CNN (I’m looking at you Anderson Cooper) and probably you too Keith Olberman.

It’s really smart. It really is. And it’s really annoying how gullible and stupid the media is.

It’s the same thing that campaigns did during this past election. They would make one absolutely ludicrious TV ad and air it like once on one affiliate channel and then never again. You know, these are the REALLY outrageous ones, like the ones that say Barack Obama eats babies or Hillary Clinton has six vaginas. But then the news picks up on it, they show it a thousand times, and then everyone gets to see it at the low low cost of NOTHING to the campaign that made it.

The media. So fucking gullible.

The car in front of me on the way home today had what might be the worst bumper sticker of all time.

It said “My child is a student at Round Rock Middle School -  A Recognized Campus.”

Um, what?

This isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement for the kid OR the school!  Let’s start with the kid.

My child is a student at Round Rock Middle School.

Um, okay.  Am I supposed to be impressed?  Wow, your kid goes to middle school.  Not, My Child is an Honor Student (also lame and pathetic but at least your kid is accomplishing SOMETHING, not that being on the honor roll in middle school is very impressive).  Just, my child is a student.  Um…you must be so proud?

Was it a toss-up between this and like, “My child has the regular heart rate for a child of his age and weight.”  Or perhaps “My child has two eyes and a nose.”  “My child eats food.”  Christ, are your really proud that your kid is alive and goes to middle school?

Second, the school itself.  Round Rock Middle School - A Recognized Campus.  This is the school equivalent of saying your kid is in school!  Wow, Round Rock Middle School is…A RECOGNIZED CAMPUS!

This is of course the opposite of those middle schools that nobody believes in.  Is this like how Hamas refuses to recognize Israel?  Is there some sort of terrorist organization that doesn’t believe in Round Rock Middle School?  Or are they just saying that people drive by Round Rock Middle School and say, “Hey, that looks like a middle school!”

I think the person who was driving this car has got some really, really low expectations.

I watched the Daily Show from last night and it appears that I wrote the show.

Well, not really.  But everything I thought about what the crazy right is saying about Guantanamo, Stewart said.  Even that part about Lockup on MSNBC!

Stop stealing my ideas, Daily Show (despite the fact that I wrote my post after the show had taped and aired - beside the point)!

I tried to watch an hour of Sean Hannity tonight.

Keyword being tried.

I guess I didn’t realize up until now that Colmes really was holding Hannity back just a little bit.  Now that he’s got the show to himself he’s gone full-on batshit crazy/delusional.

I mean, Fox News has been SPEC-FUCKING-TACULAR since the inauguration.  Truly.  The fear-mongering and idiocy has reached levels once thought impossible.

I did manage to sit through two segments of the show tonight (barely).  The first is what Hannity is calling the Gitmo All-stars.  I guess every night this week he’s going to tell us a little bit about some of the people being held at Guantanamo.  Great.

So tonight we learned about some terrorist asshole who is locked up at Guantanamo and how horrible he is and the segment ends with Hannity asking if we want him on our soil.

It’s like he truly believes that we’re going to close Guantanamo and just set all these people free in America.  I really, honestly thing that Sean Hannity believes this.  Like, “Ok fellas, you’re free now!  Feel free to settle anywhere you want in our country.  But good luck finding a job, don’t know if you read the papers but the economy is kind of in the shitter.”

No Hannity.  You fucking moron.  These assholes are going to be locked away in PRISON.  Personally, I think it will be great to throw these fuckers in jail on US soil.  I watch a lot of Lockup.  I don’t think these guys will last very long.  And that’s why you gotta make sure to throw them in with the general population.  Don’t give these guys the satisfaction of some kind of bullshit solitary confinement.  Make them walk around on the yard and shower with everyone else.

Of course, Hannity apparently thinks that they’re just going to move in next door to you.

I also caught the bit where Hannity called global warming a crock.  That was also fun.

Ugh.  The fact that people like this exist in this country is truly alarming.

So, in case you missed the title, Shamwow is officially haunting my life.

First of all, everyone I know now finds some way to mention Shamwow to me.  Whether it be asking me if I ever got my Shamwows (NO, I DID NOT GET MY SHAMWOWS BECAUSE VINCE OFFER, DESPITE BEING A PRETTY SWEET DUDE FOR TRYING TO TAKE DOWN SCIENTOLOGY BUT IS STILL A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT REGARDLESS NEVER SENT THEM TO ME) or telling me they heard a funny story somewhere about Shamwow.

And second of all, because it is FUCKING EVERYWHERE.  It’s really amazing.  For instance, I’ve heard it mentioned TWICE on the radio in the last three days.  The first was on 101x which I listen to in the morning.  They do this bit where they play infomercials and then make fun of them.  They did one last week about the Snuggy, and I find it amazing that I never blogged about this.  Half the things they said, I thought three months ago.  Like how all the people in the commercial look like cultists.  But I digress.  So they do this bit once a week and I knew that at some point the Shamwow would come up.  And it did.  They’ve yet to review the infomercial but it came up during the conversation about the Snuggy.  And Jason (the guy on the radio) said he had NEVER HEARD OF IT.  Jesus Christ, how could this be possible?  I thought about calling in with my Shamwow story but what am I, completely pathetic?

Then it was mentioned on this other radio station where they were talking about it and this guy called up to say it was the greatest thing ever.  And again I thought of calling in to tell my story about that douchebag Vince Offer, but what am I, completely pathetic?

And lastly, though I missed it, one of our local news stations ran a teaser promo - “The Shamwow: does it really work?” or some shit.  Unfortunately, that was recorded on my DVR, which I watched after the news had aired, and never got to see their piece.  Unfortunate.

And really, everyone wants to tell me their Shamwow story now.

Shamwow: Officially Haunting My Life

Note: Do you too have a Shamwow story?  Please share!  I know it’s coming…

Watched the last hour of the Golden Globes tonight which reminded me of a myriad of things I wanted to mention:

First, I got around to watching that first episode of the Real World.  And something is just…very off from recent seasons past (and the reason I stopped watching).  The house seems to be full of…possibly decent people?  Like…the kind of people who didn’t come on the Real World to get ridiculously drunk every night for five months and have sex with most forms of life?

Like…it just seems…very different from what I remember.  I’ve written extensively on the Real World on this blog and if you care to read my thoughts you can search for the posts.  In any case, you know how there was a 24 TV movie a few weeks back called “24 Redemption”?  Well, this season should be called The Real World: Redemption.

The reason I wanted to watch because of the Soup, is this Mormon kid who is so obviously a serious closet homosexual with probably some other issues.  He is amazing.  But it’s like, I already feel bad for the guy.  He’s been raised in a culture that will completely reject him once he’s openly gay.  He’s probably going to have to meet some very, very naive Mormon girl to marry and spend the next zero to ten years of his life feeling guilty and ashamed until he probably kills himself.

It’s sad.  And honestly, I hope that before this season is over he comes out as gay and doesn’t ruin his life.

But until then, he’s funny as shit to watch.  Please watch while it’s still up:

Other than that, this season just might be interesting for the fact that it’s a complete step back to 1994, and I’m all for going back to 1994.  Will post more on this as it becomes interesting.

Moving on…

I watched Slumdog Millionaire this week and immediately walked out of the theater thinking, well that’s gonna win the Oscar.

Now, I don’t THINK this SHOULD win an Oscar, I’m pretty sure it will.  And given that it won on the Golden Globes tonight is just evidence of that.

I think that’s pretty fucking lame.

Perhaps, I missed something.  I don’t know.  Perhaps, my expectations were too high because a dozen people told me it was “THE BEST MOVIE EVER!!”

It was not the best movie ever.  It was a good movie, and I enjoyed it, but I didn’t think it was mind-blowing in anyway.  It was a fairy tale.  It was beyond predictable.  I thought it was enjoyable.  I thought the soundtrack was great and made it an important part of the movie.  I thought the acting, especially by the kids, was really good.  But aside from these things, I don’t understand what makes this a supposedly great movie.

Unlike, say, The Wrestler.  Which was a great movie.  Which wasn’t even nominated for a Golden Globe and probably won’t be for an Oscar.  But, I guess this is why I have a blog that 17 people read and why I’m not a part of the Academy.

Anyhow.  The redemptive part of this, is that Mickey Rourke did win a Golden Globe and I thought deserved it as much as any actor has ever deserved an award.  I thought his performance was just, unbelievable in it’s realness.

Speaking of realness, that’s nowhere to be found on the chests of this years Rock of Love Hos (ba dum ching - you see what I did thiere?)  Jesus Christ, where do these idiots come from?  Rock of Love Bus has the potential to be the best Rock of Love ever!  I hope Brett Michaels really finds someone this time, because it’s looking like this season will never be beat.

Okay.   My thoughts aren’t particularly interesting.

So the Golden Globes are this Sunday and not that I care too much about shit like this, but I just noticed that the Wrestler is not nominated for the best drama.

Bullshit!  Bullshit I say!

It’s a good thing I don’t care too much about shit like this, BUT I saw Slumdog Millionaire the other night and while I liked it and enjoyed it, didn’t see the huge deal.

I was reminded this evening by something I wanted to write about as soon as I got back to Austin.  It was Bill Simmons on Page 2 of ESPN.com (that detailed explanation is for the ladies) who mentioned Matt Millen as a comentator on NBC for the playoffs last week.  Since he probably said it better than I would have anyway (note: he didn’t actually say it, someone said it to him):
Derek in Chicago e-mailing me about the Millen/NBC move, “Was it because they couldn’t get O.J. via satellite, so they went with their 1,935,245th choice?”

Which was my favorite.  But he DID said this:

The Bernie Madoff Award for “Studio host who made you feel as if you were watching Bernie Madoff hosting ‘Mad Money’”
Like everyone else, I did a quintuple take upon seeing that NBC had trotted out failed Lions GM Matt Millen as one of its pregame studio guys. Like everyone else, I was confused about what NBC thought my reaction should be — should I be nodding intently as Millen broke down the Cards-Falcons game and saying, “That’s a great point, Guy Who Single-Handedly Murdered The Lions?” Like everyone else, I felt bad for Detroit fans, who had just put the 0-16 season behind them and probably looked forward to a pain-free playoffs … and suddenly, there was the John Wilkes Booth of their franchise staring at them in HD. Like everyone else, I remembered Millen was good enough on TV that it made you think, “So yeah, maybe that’s how he got hired.” Like everyone else, I wondered what kind of tranquilizer NBC had to give Keith Olbermann to keep him from making a snarky Millen joke. And …

(Wait, this deserves its own award.)

The Bird Who Crapped On My T-Shirt Right Before the 2004 Baseball Playoffs Award for “Best omen heading into a game”
… like everyone else who backed the Cards, I couldn’t have been happier when Millen picked the Falcons to win. He didn’t just pick them, either. He was adamant about it. I think I broke my personal record for “Fastest time calling in more money than I already had on one team.” I was like the Usain Bolt of gambling; I think I banged out another Cards bet in 9.85 seconds. Let’s add this to Playoff Manifesto 5.0 and make it the new No. 1 rule: Any time Matt Millen inexplicably appears on a studio show, picks a playoff team to win and seems confident about that pick, bet the house on the other team as fast as you humanly can.” And you thought Millen couldn’t bring joy to football fans.

And I’ll just leave it at that.

My unretirement from MTV that is!

You see, I was watching the Soup just now, and they showed part of the first episode of the newest Real World.

And from the looks of it, I think it just might be as amazing as the newest Rock of Love (will post more on this later).

How can I let a complete trainwreck of a television go get past me?  I don’t think I can.  And thus, I announce my unretirement from MTV.  I’ll give this thing three episodes and if I like it I’m in for the long haul.

My thoughts and feelings on both this and the new Rock of Love tomorrow.

I happened to catch two movies over the past week while I was home.

First, I went and saw Gran Torino.  In a few words, it’s okay.  It’s not great.  Clint Eastwood will probably win a dozen awards for it, and it’s already like #71 on IMDB.

Listen, this movie isn’t that good.  It’s okay.  I enjoyed it.  But it’s not a spectacular movie.  And the two lead asian kid actors are pretty much terrible.  I mean, truly terrible.

Anyway, I think it’s a rental and I’ll be highly upset when Eastwood starts raking in the awards.  I understand the man makes good movies when nearly everyone else makes shit, but that doesn’t mean we need to suck his cock every time he releases something.

Secondly, I also caught the Wrestler starring Mickey Rourke.  In one word, this movie was amazing.  Great acting, good story, spectacular ending.  Without giving anything away, I wish more movies had ended this way.  It’s not exactly a feel good movie and it might make you want to kill yourself when it’s over, but definitely worth seeing and I hope it tears up Gran Torino at the Oscars.

Vince Offer, you motherfucking piece of shit! You will never, I repeat, NEVER be Billy Mays. You, my cocksucking friend, are pimple on the asscheeks of infomercials.

I swear, I’ve really hit a nerve talking about Vince Offer, the Shamwow douchebag. Most of my random web traffic comes from my Craig Kilborn post from way back when, but the second most popular thread is everything about Vince Offer and Shamwow. I mean, people really hate this asshole! And so do I. Fuck you Vince Offer.

Without further ado, I give you his latest, the Slap Chop:

My “favorite” parts include:

“You’re going to have an exciting life now!”

Oh really? I’ll tell you what, if this fucking thing makes anyone’s life from boring to exciting, they should probably just kill themselves now. Really. Can you imagine Christmas morning? “Oh boy oh boy oh boy, I hope someone got me the Slap Chop this year so that my stupid boring fucking life becomes exciting and amazing! I’m gonna chop the shit out of some tomatoes! And afterwards, I’m going to hang myself from a Shamwow!”

“You’re going to love my nuts!” Hey Vince, you fucking douche, I’m willing to bet nobody loves your nuts.
“Life’s hard enough as it is, you don’t want to cry anymore!” Dude, did you really just say that? Really? You know Vince, I don’t know who is writing these scripts for you but here’s my advice: next time someone throws some piece of shit product your way and wants you to pitch it because Billy Mays said no, you should thing to yourself “WWBMD?” (In case you’re too stupid to figure it out, it’s What Would Billy Mays Do?) Just constantly ask yourself that. Would Billy Mays ever say “You’re going to love my nuts?” Or “Life’s too hard, you don’t want to cry anymore?” No. And you know why not? Because unlike you, Billy Mays isn’t a giant pussy. I’ll buy 100 tubs of Oxyclean before I buy anything from you.

And again with the headset? Who’s on the other end of that thing? If it was Billy Mays you know what he’d be saying? Probably something like “HEY VINCE OFFER, STOP TRYING TO RIDE MY JOCK YOU PIECE OF SHIT PUSSY!”

Fuck you Vince Offer. Fuck the Shamwow. Fuck the Slap Chop. Fuck your pussy little headset.
That’s all I got.

(also, big thanks to Aimee for this link: http://www.dlisted.com/node/29942#comments)