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So only about five people emailed me this story, but it seems like my best friend, Vince Offer (who’s real name is apparently Vince Schlomi), AKA the Shamwow Douchebag, got busted last month after bringing a hooker back to his $750 hotel room and punching her in the face.

Awesome.

So the full story is that he met this hooker in a club, she told him she’d fuck him for $1,000, he brought her to his hotel room and after starting to kiss her she supposedly bit down on his tongue and wouldn’t let go.  So what do you do when a hooker won’t let go of your tongue?  Obviously you start punching her in the face.

The two were both arrested.

Too.  Awesome.

First, I think it’s great that my buddy Vince has to pay for sex.  I mean, that’s completely unsurprising.  What normal chick would actually fuck that guy voluntarily?

Second, it depresses me that a) Vince has the money to stay in $750 hotel rooms and b) has a grand to drop on a prostitute.  Goddamn life isn’t fair.

But really, can you blame the guy for beating the shit out of this chick if what he says is true?  She was biting down on his tongue for Christ’s sake.  At that point you have to punch her in the face.

As someone that has never paid for sex though, I do have a question…why are you making out with a hooker?  Isn’t the point of paying for sex to just bend this bitch over and have your way with her?  Why you making out with a hooker, Vince?

I wonder what this is going to do to Shamwow sales.  I wonder what this is going to do to his career.  Is Vince Offer going to be able to make it past this ugly incident?

You know who would never get busted for something as stupid as this?  Billy Mays.  Cause that guy is 100% class.

Oh Vince Offer, you fucking suck at life.

If you read the news, then you already know about all this AIG bullshit. I’m fucking tired of this shit. As a taxpayer, as an American, as a person with a functional brain, as a person that uses AIG for my car insurance, I am fucking pissed off.  And you should be too.
First of all, let it be known that I am changing my car insurance from AIG before my next billing cycle. And for the record, my billing statements now say something like 21st Century Insurance, as if changing their name changes anything about them. Guess what? Rebranding to 21st Century Insurance doesn’t mean shit. And I’m not fooled.  As if changing your name will make me not realize the fucking bullshit you’re up to.
I was willing to stick it out with them and let it be but I’ve had enough of this bullshit.  I’ve had as much as one person can take with this piece of shit company and the fucking assholes that run it.
All this bonus stuff is a fucking crock.

Let me tell you something: I work in sales. I get paid based on commission and bonus. You know how I hit a bonus? I hit a bonus when I hit certain sales levels, that is, when I do good things and am SUCCESSFUL.
What the fuck are people doing to hit bonuses at AIG? Hey Jim, congratulations on running our company to the ground and making us get hundreds of billions of government aid! Really, bang up job this year! Have an extra million dollars!

Seriously, what do you have to do to NOT hit a bonus as an exec at AIG? Burn the fucking building down? Spend all day masturbating at your desk? Skinning deer in the boardroom? What the fuck do you have to NOT do to hit a fucking bonus?

Rather, what do you have to do to GET a bonus at AIG (and all these other fucking banks that are burning our economy to the ground)?  Hey, thanks for having a pulse today, here’s a bonus!  Hey, way to eat lunch yesterday buddy, have a bonus.  Congratulations, you fucking deserve it!

Again, I hit a bonus when I do GOOD THINGS. What the fuck is written into these guys compensation plans that they get paid bonuses for fucking up EVERYTHING?

And now the CEO is up in arms because it’s like “well we HAVE to pay our execs their bonuses or else they will want to leave!” GOOD. FUCK THEM! Let them leave!  THEY FUCKED UP YOUR ENTIRE COMPANY.  WHY DO YOU WANT THEM TO STAY?  Best of luck to these shitheads on getting another job when the top line on your resume reads “partially responsible for HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN GOVERNMENT AID.” I can’t go get another sales job if the top of my resume said that I’m a giant and utter fuckup.  Go take your fucking MBA and shove it up your ass you fucking retards.
Look, if you want your execs to get paid big dollars, just pay them big dollars. I don’t have a problem with that.  They’re big execs.  Some of them probably even worked hard to get there (most of them probably didn’t though but whatever, if you can skirt the system and get far in life more power to you).  Give them large salaries.  Don’t write bonuses into their compensation plan.  A bonus is just that: a bonus. So just give these assholes larger salaries. At least when they essentially burn your company to the ground, you don’t give them MORE MONEY.  You say, well Jim, you fucked up this year.  Lucky for you, you’re not on any sort of bonus plan.  Oh, and by the way, YOU’RE FIRED BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SUCK.  YOU ALL FUCKING SUCK.
I mean is this fucking brain surgery??

So fuck you AIG. You will be hearing from me soon in the form of a canceled auto policy and I highly encourage anyone that uses them for anything to do the same. Let these fucking assholes burn in hell.  Fuck ‘em.

Do you know about this trend of college graduates who can’t get into med school in America so they go somewhere in the Caribbean instead?

Apparently, a lot of kids do this.  I suppose the situation is they always wanted to be a doctor, but for whatever reason can’t get into med school.  So they decide they’re not giving up that easily so they end up somewhere in like Bermuda or some shit in med school.

But I wonder.  What exactly is the point of this.

Let’s suppose that you come down with a serious case of festering boils that cover your body and you need a specialist.  You find two doctors, each within five minutes of your house.  Now let’s say one of these doctors has gone to med school ANYWHERE IN THE UNITED STATES.  Now let’s say the other one has gone to some med school ANYWHERE IN THE CARIBBEAN.  Which doctor are you going to go to?

Listen kid, if you can’t get into a single med school in the United States of America, perhaps you should rethink your career choices.  Med school is supposed to be hard to get into.  That’s why it’s med school.  If you can’t get in, odds are it’s not meant to be.  Sorry.

I’m really curious if the kids who get these degrees ever really make it in the medical profession.  Who is going to take you serious?  If I ever came down with some illness and had to go to a doctor and I saw a plaque on his wall with his degree from Bumfuck University in Haiti, I think I’d probably want a new doctor.

These kids that do this must be so amazingly deluded.  I should do some research on this…eh, I’m too lazy.

Dear Chipotle,

Listen, I’m starting to get a little bit pissed off.  But first, a little background so you know where I’m coming from:

I’ve been eating at your fine establishment for over eight years.  I’ve spent untold thousands of dollars at you.  I talk about you all the time, and anyone who knows me knows I love you.  My feelings for you are serious and deep seeded.  So believe me when I say that it takes a lot for you to piss me off.

Let me give you a little bit of history: when you first opened in College Park, Maryland, your burritos were amazing.  Back in those days, they rolled those things massive.  Like the size of my head massive.  But the thing was, that’s just how they were made.  Back then, the wonderful people who worked there would load those burritos up.  And that’s just the way it was.  You wouldn’t have to ask for extra rice, or extra sour cream or extra meat.  You couldn’t!  Because there wasn’t room for “extra.”

After about, I don’t know, two years things started to change.  I noticed you were giving mea little less of this or a little less of that.  Me and my college friends were constantly complaining about how youstarted skimping on us.  Not cool, buddy.

And yet, as more and more time progressed, you started skimping so much that I had to start asking for extra stuff.  “Hey, how about extra steak?”  Sure, ok.  So now I was getting the same amount of steak that I was once getting, but just had to ask for it.  And for a while, you didn’t really catch on.  For several years I wasn’t charged once for extra steak because you didn’t think to do it.  I’d like to call this the end of the $6 giant burrito.
Then, a few years ago, suddenly you were charging me extra for the steak.  If I went during peak hours, you’d often forget.  But still, you’d get me.  I don’t remember how much you charged me but I do know that if you did I was paying about $7 for my meal.  So we’ve entered the $7 era.  And then your workers started getting more vigilant and my 50/50 chance of being charged for extra steak was now more like 90/10.  Things are looking bad.

And then, a few months ago, I noticed something new.  My once $6 burrito and then $7 burrito has now turned into a NINE DOLLAR BURRITO.  Nine bucks.  For something that cost me $6 less than five years ago.

What, do you think you’re fooling me?  You think I wouldn’t notice a $3 increase in prices in less than five years?

Well I’ve noticed.  And I’m not happy.  In fact, I’m hereby cutting my Chipotle intake in half.  My once 4 times weekly trips became twice weekly, became weekly and it’s about to become bi-weekly.  I’m pissed off.

Yours,

An Unhappy Burrito Eater

Hmm, I might have to email this to them.