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It’s time to once again play everyone’s favorite game….

AUDIENCE: “LET’S ALIENATE 90% OF MY READERS!”

So I’m watching the Heat/Hawks playoff game right now and just before halftime they did one of those stupid sideline interviews with Atlanta’s Maurice Evans, who until now, I’ve never heard speak.

Before I continue, I want to say a few things.

Remember when, about two years ago, Tim Hardaway got in all that trouble for blasting his hatred of homosexuals? I think he also claimed that he’d never played basketball with any gay people on his team. Whatever, his claims were ridiculous and he got in a lot of trouble. It’s funny that some people think that there are ZERO gay players in the NBA. In fact, I wrote extensively on the subject when it happened and if you care enough, you can find it in the archives somewhere. Basically, I ranked my list of people who I thought were gay.

Time to update the list.

But I digress once more. I also want to say that I like Maurice Evans. I don’t know much about the dude but I play with the Hawks in NBA2k and Maurice Evans is my man off the bench. That guy gets starters minutes and he’s averaging a double double. So, don’t give me shit for this post.

But anyway, Maurice Evans is completely and totally gay. That was the gayest sideline interview ever. If Andy Dick interviewed that Mormon kid from the Real World Brooklyn, it would have to reach 10 higher levels in gayness to match that Maurice Evans interview.

Here’s a clip I found on Youtube. If you watch the whole thing, check out the deluded girl at the end who thinks she’s his “girlfriend.” Hey Alexandra, do you think it’s weird that Maurice slips out of bed ever night to go “for a walk” and then he comes home four hours later smelling like astroglide, latex, and Old Spice?

Again, I’m not trying to hate on the guy. Again, I like Maurice Evans. Dude, I’ve trained his 3 point shooting up to 90 in NBA2k9. He’s fucking deadly. Seriously, I’m shooting something like 43% from downtown with him. Last game he hit four threes in a thrilling win over the Memphis Grizzlies 128-126. Though I did not have Maurice in at the end of the game, he contributed throughout.

But seriously, watch this video! Look how gay this dude is! When he gets asked what he does best offensively and defensively, I’m surprised he didn’t say, “Bottom. I mean…I shoot threes.” And look how fabulous he looks in that shirt combo! Jesus Christ, this is the gayest NBA player since Jason Williams destroyed his pelvin riding a motorcycle.

But once again, I LIKE Maurice Evans. Dude, I’m averaging like a steal a game with him right now. Right now he’s LEADING THE AWARDS RACE FOR SIXTH MAN OF THE YEAR! Seriously! I’m not making any of this up! I like Maurice Evans!

But sorry, last one. Just watch this video. Tell me this guy isn’t gay! I feel bad for the guy because he has a profession that makes it damn near impossible to come out while being an active player. How do you think Josh Smith would take it? He seems like the kind of guy that agrees with Tim Hardaway. What about the coach. Would he get his minutes cut? I think the only person that might be happy about this is Alonzo Mourning, but he’s retired.

Maurice Evans. Gayer than baseball.

I am not clever nor witty.  But that’s what happens sometimes when I’m just trying to bang out some blog posts.

Also, for anyone that cares, they are finally releasing the state on DVD this July!  Woo hoo!

So I was watching one of my favorite shows the other night, “Fuck me, I’m retarded, hosted by Sean Hannity” (I think that’s what it’s called) the other night during a timeout of a playoff game.  I try to check him out now and then to see what he’s trying to scare the stupider people of this country about.

I hold firm to the belief that he’s an actor and he doesn’t believe 90% of the things he says.  This is also how I feel about that horse Anne Coulter, Bill O’Reilly, and most other assclowns on Fox News (except for Glen Beck, that guy is just a fucking jackass).

Anyway, so I flip on Hannity and find out that he’s talking about this Miss USA or whatever pageant and how he’s pissed off that Miss California might have lost for an answer she gave about gay marriage.

What Hannity basically said is that if she lost because of her answer - which, by the way, wasn’t that BAD an answer minus calling something “opposite marriage,” then it wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair.  He also called out Perez Hilton for going on some silly rant about what a bitch she is.

And here’s the thing.  I agree with Sean Hannity?

Look, I don’t know much about beauty pageants except that they’re stupid.  But I am pretty sure that when they do the Q and A part, they’re not supposed to be judged on their opinions but rather their poise or whatever at how they answer.  Furthermore, everyone is also entitled to their own opinion, even if that opinion happens to be stupid.  If everyone in this country felt the same way about everything it wouldn’t be America.  It would be North Korea.  So if Miss California doesn’t support gay marriage, that’s totally fine.  That’s her opinion and she’s entitled to feel that way.

So I’m with you on this one Sean Hannity!  For the first time ever, you said something that’s not completely retarded!  Way to go!

I was in Petsmart yesterday to pickup litter for my (completely insane) cat and what did I see sitting in full view in the front of the store?

That’s right.  A giant stack of Shamwow boxes.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Or wait.  Perhaps this is a Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

Maybe what Petsmart is saying is that the only thing Shamwow is good for is cleaning up dog and cat piss.  Now they didn’t come right out and say “Buy these Shamwow for all your cat and dog piss cleaning needs!” But come on, why else would Shamwow be in Petsmart?

So if that’s what they ARE saying, then Kudos to you Petsmart.  Shamwow!  It’s great for pet piss!

(that or they support beating the shit out of prostitutes)

You know on Star Trek how they’ve got those teleporters where people disintegrate into atoms and then reappear somewhere else?

How do you think they tested those things?  I mean, would you want to be the first person in this thing?

“Listen, Steve, just stand right here as we blow up your body into little tiny atoms.  We swear you’ll come back together on some other planet thousands of miles from here with all those little tiny atoms put back together correctly.”

I realize this show took place…um…hundreds of years in the future?  But you’ve got to be one brave guy in a red uniform to be the first asshole to test this thing out.

I didn’t say it was funny.  Just a thought.

Anyone else watch this show besides me?

First, I don’t know why I watch the Millionaire Matchmaker.  I honestly don’t.  There’s nearly nothing redeeming about the show.

I just don’t get it.  At the beginning of every episode, Patty tells us that she’s a third generation matchmaker with a 99% success rate.

Oh really?  Because nearly ever episode I’ve seen, nobody has ended up married.  I saw one dude get engaged, who later broke it off.  They show updates on people sometimes, and none of THEM are married.

So what’s 99% success mean to this lady?  Clearly her definition of “success” is different than mine, considering she’s trying to set people up for MARRIAGE.

This isn’t even to mention that Patty herself, ISN’T MARRIED.  I don’t know, seems to me like that might lend a bit of credibility to the whole thing if she was.  Would you hire a plumber who doesn’t have a plunger?

And her whole system for setting people up is also completely inane.  It basically goes like this:

1) Ask client what celebrity they think is hot.

2) Fill a room with super hot women and let the guy decides who he thinks is hot.

3) Let the guy go on a date with whatever girl he thinks is hot and say “she was my choice.”

4) Watch as guy and his hot date fail miserably and claim a 99% success rate.

I don’t know, seems to me like I could do her job.  What does she do, really?  She fills a room in LA with hot women.  Shit, that must be difficult!

Why do I continue to watch this show?  Is it just so I can complain about how stupid it is?

Probably.

Unfortunately, there are no clips available on Youtube of the bang-up job that the Daily Show did on those retarded tea parties.  Hopefully something will be posted soon and I’ll put it up here.

It’s really quite hilarious how fucking stupid the middle of this country is.  It’s like, these people are so used to getting fucked over by the top 1% they have no idea what’s even happening anymore.

My favorite part of the Daily Show bit was when John Oliver (British correspondent) was interviewing some of the brainiacs at one of these events.  The people he spoke to basically said that our government is more tyrannical than when the colonies were under the British Crown.

I mean…really?

How fucking stupid can these people be?

It’s also funny how quickly the people who used to be in power (the right) are now such whiny fucking bitches.  Obama hasn’t even been president for three months and apparently, he’s already the source of all of the problems in this country.

Anyway, I thought I had more thoughts on this but really, the Daily Show really did sum up everything better than I ever could.

http://whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com/

I don’t have much else to say.