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So Michael Vick got reinstated into the NFL today.  Since there are so many teams out there with lousy quarterback situations, someone will almost certainly sign him shortly (I’m looking at you Raiders).  I read a lot of message boards today and the general feeling is pretty mixed.  Some people are of the mind that what Mike Vick did was completely heinous (and it was) and so he should never be allowed to play in the NFL ever again.

I have to say, I disagree with that sentiment.  Vick served two years in jail and pretty much lost everything he owns.  Did he deserve that?  Yes, I think so.  But does the NFL have the right to make sure he never earns a living ever again?  I don’t think so.  The man went to jail and served his time and he deserves to be allowed to play again.

Having said that, I wouldn’t want my team to sign him.  I wouldn’t want him anywhere near the Redskins.  One, I think what he did was disgusting and I wouldn’t want to have to support him and two, he’s just not that good of a quarterback.

But he will play and that’s fine.  The amount of abuse that is headed his way will be exteme.  I do think that whatever time signs him should have to agree to the following stipulations:

Every time Vick throws an incomplete pass, one lucky fan gets to send an electric shock through his body via a remote control.  They could even choose the lucky fan every quarter through some kind of “who is wearing the most anti-Mike-Vick outfit in the stadium.  And since we are talking about Michael Vick here, you can expect this to happen at least a couple of dozen times a game.  And if he throws an interception the same lucky fan gets to come down to the field and hit him in the knees with a crowbar.  If nothing else, it will make for exciting football.

And while I’m on football, what the fuck is with all the Brett Favre drama again?  Christ, is the quarterback situation in Minnesota so bad that they actually want this washed up loser?  The last 5 games of 2008, his quarterback ratings were: 60.9, 60.8, 61.4, 48.7, and 45.1 with TWO touchdowns vs. 9 picks.  Given that Minnesota MIGHT be in a playoff race in the second half of the season, is this the guy you really want behind center?  And it’s not just that his stats were atrocious the last portion of the season, he just looked…bad.  He looked…old.  You’re telling me that this is the best option?

Honestly, I want to see Favre come back this one last time (or next to last time or whatever) because I am dying to see him suck and ruin Minnesota’s playoff hopes.

Do you remember the early 2000’s when it seemed all of Fox’s prime time programming were horrible (and sometimes awesome) reality shows?  A small sampling of the ones I remember:

Boot Camp (totally awesome)

Love Cruise

Temptation Island

Paradise Hotel

Mr. Personality (hosted by one Monica Lewinsky)

Joe Millionaire and Joe Millionaire 2

Anyway, these are just the ones I remember off the top of my head.  And to answer your question, yes, I watched all of the above.  Why?  Why not.

So as I was watching the season finale of Daisy of Love last night (yes, I watch that too), I saw a commercial for some new show on Fox that I believe starts on Wednesday night called…shit…I think it was called More to Love, or some shit.

The premise?  Fat people in love.  Classic.  I’m already a fan.

The only part of the preview I really caught before it ended was some enormous woman saying something like “I love that you like normal sized women!”  Lady, being 200 pounds overweight is not normal.  Sorry.

Anyway, I need to find out exactly when this show starts and set my DVR.  I can only hope this is a trend back to the wonderful Fox programming of 7 or 8 years ago.  Be sure that I’ll be blogging about this after viewing.

I love horror movies yet there are so few great ones.  I can probably count on one hand really, really great horror movies.

But I watched a movie the other night that shook my bones to the core.

It was called Jesus Camp, and I guess you could say that it’s not a horror movie in the typical use of the term.  If you haven’t seen this movie, I suggest picking it up as fast as possible.

Jesus Camp is actually a documentary about a brainwashing evangelical camp for families run by a fat lesbian evengelical woman named Becky Fischer.  For the record, she HATES Harry Potter.

The rest of this post probably contains a lot of spoilers (can you really spoil a documentary?  I don’t know.) so don’t read further if you don’t want to.

So basically, this camp is run for the sole purpose of brainwashing poor children into joining the religious right.  They do fun things like pray to a cardboard cut-out of George Bush, chant pro-life nonsense, and speak in tongues.

One of the things I liked most about the movie was how delusional Becky Fischer is.  At the beginning of camp she mentions something about how most Americans are fat and lazy, despite being horribly overweight herself.  She also makes claims that Muslim children in the middle east are raised to die for the cause of Islam, and makes this sound like a GOOD thing.  No Becky, this is not a good thing.

Most of these kids are also home schooled where they are getting just an EXCELLENT education.  I mean, what has science ever proven?  Nothing if you ask any of the parents.

The movie also features Ted Haggard.  You might know the name.  Ted Haggard used to run a giant ministry up until the day he was accused of being a gay meth user.  These claims were never exactly refuted by Haggard though these days he says he is straight “with issues.”  Yeah, like the fact that you’re gay?

And herein lies one of the biggest problems with these evangelicals.  Haggard was probably taught at a young age that being gay was evil and he was going to hell for it.  So he had to repress it for years and years, having secret gay sex with random dudes until he was exposed for who he is.

Now I don’t have a problem with him being gay.  But the irony of him not realizing that he’s doing to children what was done to him is truly amazing.  And sad.

There’s also one child featured in the movie named Levi.  Levi seems like a pretty smart kid and could probably go far in life, but the crap he’s being exposed to as a child is extremely disheartening.  One of my favorite lines in the movie is when he says he became a christian at five years old because he was looking for more out of life.  When I was five years old I was eating dirt.  And loving it.

Some other things I learned from Jesus Camp:

The devil hates power point presentations.

Nestle makes holy water.

Harry Potter would have been put to death if he lived in the old testament and YOU DO NOT MAKE HEROS OUT OF WARLOCKS.

It’s best to start brainwashing kids at a very young age.

If the evangelicals vote, they decide the election.  Oh wait, fortunately this is not true because most of these people live in middle America, where science proves nothing and the world is 6,000 years old.

Anyway, terrifying movie.  Checki it out.

Things for Jordan have been pretty shitty lately, but some wonderful news today that made me happy for about ten minutes:

The State has finally been released on DVD.

Which means it’s time to once again play everyone’s faaaaaaaaaavooooorrrrrrite game!

AUDIENCE: “LET’S ALIENATE 90% OF MY READERS!”

As far as I’m concerned, the best sketch comedy show (and one of the best five shows in general of all time> of all time was the State.  The State had a short-lived three year run on MTV back in the mid-90’s.  As per usual, it was too good for television.  Most of the best shows see two, three seasons max because everyone in America is too stupid to appreciate good tv and would rather watch Hugh Hefner and a horde of skanks or people dancing or some other such nonsense.

(sidenote - what are the best shows of all time other than the State?  hmm, this sounds like a good idea for a future post)

Anyway, the State proved to be too funny for television.  Thankfully, many of the cast members of the state have gone on and go on to do other great things.  In face, Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter have a new show that starts tomorow that I am very much looking forward to.  State members have also do Reno 911, did Wet Hot American Summer, the Ten (highly hilarious though mostly hated), as well as a bunch of great movies David Wain had a part of and a bunch of mostly horrible movies that Robert Ben Gurant (sure I spelled that wrong) has been involved in.  Ignore those.  Sorry Junior.

So, I’m super stoked this DVD has finally been released.  I used to, and continue to quote the state constantly, though most nobody has any idea what I’m talking about.  But if you haven’t ever seen Louie dipping his balls in things, well then you should get the DVD.

Wow, this whole thing sounds like a giant plug.  Unfortunately, nobody is paying me to write this.  I do my shilling for free.

Anyway, I’ll be buying this soon and things will be great for a while.

So I’m late on this.  I’m late on everything.  My lack of updates the past several months…well, I’m lazy.  I’m a lazy, lazy person.  Every time I promise myself that I’m going to update more, I remember just what a lazy asshole I am.  So I’m like, a week late on this by now.

Anyway, as I’m sure any sports fan knows by now, Steve Mcnair was murdered by his 20 year old girlfriend.

Yeah, his 20 year old girlfriend.

Did I mention that Steve Mcnair was married?  Cause yeah, he was.

It’s quite sad what happened.  I always liked Steve Mcnair.  Seemed like a good guy.  Played through a lot of injuries.  Apparently, liked to date women nearly 20 years younger than him, despite being married.

Seemingly, he was murdered because his 20 year old girlfriend was a little bit unstable.  Oh, and she apparently thought he was seeing someone else.  Yeah, perhaps his wife?

And here lies my problem with all of this.  Why do pro athletes get married?  I don’t know how many of them, but you gotta figure a large percentage of them are getting ass in just about every city they travel to, right?  I mean, and I hate to sound sexist here, but women are dumb.  There is a large portion of women who will fuck a dude because he plays ball for a living.  I read blogs, I see pictures that make it to the internet.  Pro athletes seem to have a horde of skanky chicks in every city they visit.  So why get married?

I don’t get it.  It’s like, you know you’ve got the opportunity to get some ass wherever you go.  Why do you want a wife?  You know you’re going to cheat on her.  See, I used to think that the worst case scenario was that a jealous wife finally can’t take it anymore and divorces her pro athlete husband, in turn taking half his shit.

But then Steve Mcnair got murdered.  So I guess the worst case scenario is that your 20 year old girlfriend loses her shit and kills the both of you.

Pro athletes really make the worst decisions of probably any segment of our society.  Look at how many of them are constantly in trouble with the law.  Women.  Drugs.  Alcohol.

Shit, can’t we get these guys all life coaches?  I’ll do it.  Here’s my advice: don’t get married until you’re retired, and even then you should probably wait a while.  What the fuck are you getting married for?

Anyway, sucks about Steve Mcnair.  Maybe it was a wakeup call for some pro athletes out there.  Nah, probably not.