I don’t like Rachel Maddow. I love Keith Olberman but I cannot stand her. I watch bits and pieces of her show sometimes for the same reason I watch Sean Hannity. I think it’s probably because she’s an uppity cunt. When republicans call democrats “elitists” (which in and of itself is a total joke anyway) I think they are really referring to her.
I’ve noticed something she does though that I absolutely love. She conducts interviews where she basically says everything she can without saying what she’s really thinking. The other week she did all but say that Rod Blagoyovich (I know I spelled that wrong but I’m too lazy to look it up) had one of his top aides murdered (he was discovered dead in his car of an apparent intentional drug overdoes).
Anyway, I want to give a transcript of what she did tonight. A little background:
A census worker in rural Kentucky was found hung with a sign on him that said “FED.” She reported on this story a few days ago.
Tonight she had an interview with a guy I’m just going to call Gil who knew the man that was killed, Bill Sparkman. The following is nearly a word for word exchange.
What Maddow Says: I’m sorry for our technical difficulties tonight and I’m sorry for your loss, thanks for being here.
What she’s really saying: I’m sorry that I’m about to totally own this interview.
Gil: Thank you for having me.
What Maddow Says: You told Mr. Sparkman to “be careful” in the area in which he was eventually killed and where his body was found, what were you telling him to be careful about?
What she’s really saying: Okay, so we all know that Mr. Sparkman was killed by crazy right wing evangelical hillbillies, right?
Gil: Well he was more used to more populated areas and he was going into the rural counties when he did his census work. There are a lot of places over there where you don’t have phone service so it was a statement as a friend to be careful.
What Maddow Says: Were you worried about potential criminal activity in the area, were you worried about cell phone service were you worried about people being specifically being unhappy with him working for the census, what in particular made you worry about him going to that part of the state?
What she’s really saying: Were you worried about potential criminal activity in the area, were you worried about cell phone service were you worried about ****PEOPLE BEING SPECIFICALLY UNHAPPY WITH HIM FOR WORKING FOR THE CENSUS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME YOU KNOW IT WAS REDNECK GUN-LOVING RIGHT WINGERS!!!!!!*****
Gil: Well uh, the road system over there is a little bit small roads, and I was afraid for his safety on driving the roads and I felt like he needed to let people know on his visits that he was there to collect statistics.
What Maddow Says: Did he ever express any concern with you about his work with the census bureau, any problems he’d had on the job?
What she’s really saying: He did know that rural people in Kentucky hate the government and want him dead, right?
Gil: No, just the opposite, he really enjoyed his work and said people were really good to him.
What Maddow is thinking: FUCK! COME ON GIL, THROW ME A BONE! Okay, new tactic!
What Maddow Says: Um…this part of Kentucky, specifically these counties that you had expressed concern about him traveling to, are folks in this area familiar with the census and its purpose? Is there any fear that you’re aware of that you might see some government intrustion?
What she’s really saying: Okay, Gil, here’s a softball. We can all agree that people in rural Kentucky are backwoods, crazy, government hating psychopaths? Right, Gil?
Gil: No, I’m not aware. Of course, it’s been 12 years since I worked for the state police and I wasn’t aware of any problems then and I’m not aware of any problems now.
What she’s thinking: FUCK ME! THIS GUY IS KILLING ME!”
What Maddow Says: In terms of Mr. Sparkman and your friendship with him and his state of mind, I understand that you saw him just a few days before he disappeared, can you shed any light on the speculation that he might have killed himself?
What she’s really saying: Okay, I know you’re his buddy and there’s no way he killed himself, right? I mean, it’s clear that these rednecks in Kentucky murdered him, right? Yes? RIght?
Gil: Well, I can tell you I did see him a few days before he disappeared and he was smiling like he always did and he was happy to be there.
What Maddow Says: There’s also been some speculation in particular because Daniel Boone State Forest has been known to have some marijuana growing, some meth trafficing, some other drug issues, there’s been some speculation that this had nothing to do with his job, he might have been the victim of a drug related scene…does that seem plausible to you?
What she’s really saying: FINALLY. You’re on my side now Gil. So this drug stuff, that probably wasn’t what killed him, that would be ridiculous, right?
Gil: I think that’s the big question that we have is what was the cause of death for Mr. Sparkman and what was he doing over in that area. I’m not even sure he was doing census work, that hasn’t been confirmed so that’s the biggest question, what was he doing over there and what was the cause of death.
What Maddow Says:Gil, former state trooper and friend of Bill Sparkman whose death is now national news. Thanks Gil for your time, you have our condolences.
What she’s really saying: Gotcha Gil.
For the record, an FBI spokesman has said “I think to give this impression that he was strung up because he was a federal employee is giving a bad impression to the nation.”
Whatever.
While the odds would appear that a dead census worker with a sign on him that says “FED” in the middle of Nowhere, Kentucky was probably killed by some crazy backwoods psychopath, it’s not definite. Perhaps Sparkman was some major drug trafficker. Perhaps Mr. Sparkman, beneath his happy interior, actually hated his census job, hated his mother, hated himself, and just wanted to die….with a sign around him letting people know who to contact upon finding his body.
The point is, we don’t know and may never know what happened. But Rachel Maddow knows! She knows and she wants to make you look dumb and her look smart as shit!
And while it probably will end up being exactly what she thinks it is, what a completely ridiculous interview.
As I get older an older, the more I pay attention to politics. For some evidence of this, please read any post I wrote here during the last presidential election (where I incorrectly predicted a mccain/palin victory. Anyway, politics are very hard to follow because of our incredibly biased news media swinging hard left or hard right.
And in that idea, I think I had an epiphany tonight. I am going to create a new political party. Let’s be honest, most politics are about money when it comes down to it, and, yeah, I’d like to make some money. What better money is there than money in politics?
So, I’m creating a new party in this country. And I nominate myself as our official speaker. We’re the Center party.
It’s pretty simple. We’re in the middle. We have no policy. We have no platform. We have no in-bred ideals or philosphy until you do.We are quite simply, in the center. We’ve got no political ideas until someone on one side does and the other side disagrees.
The fact remains, the USA leans towards the middle. There are always going to be extremists in each end (thanks Bell Curve!) but overall, we are a moderate country. Yet, there is no Center Party! How can this be? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because the “Middle” or the “Moderate” or the “We’re In Between The Issue” Party like a bunch of pussies. I think, in reality, it’s a naming problem. Nobody wants to be part of the “I Like What Both You’re Saying” Party. Nobody.
Again, I just want to reiterate that I’m just looking to make some money here.
I am therefore creating the Center Party. We don’t lean left. We don’t lean right. We’re, what you might say, right in the Center.
We have no ideals.
We have no policy.
In fact, we don’t have anything at all until one side proposes something and the other side hates it. At that point, we’ll come up with our suggestion, and you can believe that the answer is something right down the line.
Let’s take for example the current Health Care debate.
The left side believes in a Public Option and health care for everyone.
The right believe in no Public Option and health care either for those who are forced to pay for it.
The Center Party: well, perhaps there should be some exceptions. Like maybe, for people living below the poverty line there should be an exception.
Gay marriage: The left thinks gay people should be allowed to have marriage rights and be married just like everyone else. The right thinks gay people shouldn’t have equal rights.
My party: Some gay people should have marriage rights. Say, people who can prove they’ve shared a residence for a certain period of time. Or something like that. Listen, it’s just me right now in this thing.
I think you see my point. And while I might agree or disagree with my own philosophies, it doesn’t really matter since I’m just about making money anyway.
So join the Center Party! We are the futre of the United States of America!
(please leave a comment with your email address if you would like to send me money)
I was thinking, if our government ever stops arguing about death panels and birth certificates and they ever pass universal health care (which I’m not in favor of anyway), it’s going to really change the United States as we know it.
I mean, it’s even going to affect television and movies (really the only things I care about). You remember that movie John Q with Denzel Washington? No? I don’t blame you, it sucked. But basically in the movie, Denzel Washington gets fired from his job, loses his health coverage and then his son comes down with heart cancer or something. But since Denzel doesn’t have health coverage anymore, he can’t afford to get heart cancer surgery for his son. So what does he do? He goes into a hospital and takes like a dozen people hostage in order to get the surgery done. The movie is pretty fucking stupid, but the point is, with universal health coverage, Denzel wouldn’t have to do this.
So I think they should make John Q 2. It will be the story of what happens the second time around after universal health coverage has been passed and Denzel’s son gets heart cancer again. But this time, instead of having to take a hospital hostage, the movie is just like, two hours of Denzel Washington filling out paperwork. And you can just watch him getting more and more frustrated with each passing minute. It’s just two hours of Denzel visiting various governement offices, dealing with incompetent government employees, and filling out paperwork. It will be the most boring and frustrating movie you’ve ever seen. We’ll call it John Q 2: Government Beauracracy. I promise you’ll hate it.
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Have I already mentioned how much I hate the tv and radio ads about those stupid Coor’s Light cans that change to blue when the beer is cold? I think I have. But they’re playing a new one. I was driving home from work today and the radio ad went like this: “Hi, I’m Kevin. This weekend I was at a barbecue and I went to grab a beer from the cooler but I didn’t know if it was cold or not!” Oh really, Kevin? What are you, fucking retarded? You know how I can tell if a beer is cold or not? I touch it. I fucking touch it. And guess what? If it feels cold, I drink it. If it doesn’t, I put it back in the fridge and I wait. I don’t need a can to fucking change colors to let me know my beer is cold. Because I’m not a complete fucking idiot.
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I make fun of religion a lot. It’s easy and it’s fun. Religion is stupid. But speaking as a jew, I have to say, I think that we got one thing right, and that’s the subject of conversion. When it comes to conversion, Jews are like the opposite of mormons. We actually go out of our way to discourage people from converting. Technically, a rabbi is supposed to reject a prospective convert three times before allowing them to convert. And even then the convert has to do a shitload of studying and testing before they’re even allowed to convert.
Personally, I think that’s awesome. It’s like “Are you really sure you want to do this?” The only way this could be more awesome is if we took the same approach as mormons, except in reverse. Like Jews should be forced to go on Anti-Missions where we travel to various parts of the world knocking on doors, passing out pamphlets about why you should probably just stay whatever religion you are and definitely NOT convert to judaism. Basically, it would be a giant waste of time for everyone involved. So I guess in that respect it would be a lot like a regular mission.
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Okay, I’m going to go watch football now.