copyandcigarettes.com

Well, I’ve finally made it in life.  Time to end it all.

It seems that if you type “I hate the UPS guy” into google, my blog post is the first thing that shows up.  I also show up #4 if you search “UPS guy hair,” which I’m not sure why.  What’s so great about his hair?  He looks like a fucking asshole who wants to tell you about all the AP classes he took in high school.

Anyway, other strings that apparently find my blog are “ups commercial perfect circles,” (Yeah, I’m not impressed with that either, dickface) and “ups whiteboard guy sucks.”

However, “Craig Kilborn” is still way out in front.  I figured this wouldn’t be the case given the inordinate number of comments on my UPS post.  It would seem that people hate him SO MUCH, that they are more inclined to write about their hatred.  For some reason, I find this fascinating.

And it’s not just that - many of the comments on the UPS whiteboard guy post (see here: http://copyandcigarettes.com/?p=594) are like, incredibly funny.  This leads me to believe that not only are the people who find this site through the whiteboard guy funny, but they are probably also intelligent, whereas some of the Craig Kilborn posts are not as intelligent.  So people who hate the UPS whiteboard guy >>> Craig Kilborn people.  Seriously, go read some of those comments, here’s my favorite one so far:

“I can only thank God in heaven that someone is finally providing a forum for discussion of the incomprehensible annoyingness of this fucktard. I detest him with the fire of a thousand blazing supernovas. Why is he still on? Whose idea is this of a great corporate spokesman?

If such a colossal turdbag actually had the audacity to show up at our office, the presentation would last about 45 seconds, after which there would be a beatdown and head-shaving. And then it would get ugly.

Please UPS, either take him off TV or set the whiteboard up in an open field surrounded by crazed pumas.”

So for the longest time, the search string that brought the most people to my blog was Craig Kilborn. Seemed like a shit ton of people just really wanted to know where that guy is.

But, a new phenomenon is occuring now.  Apparently, if you search for “UPS Whiteboard Guy Douche” I’m the second hit in Google.  That’s pretty sweet.

As such, this blog has been getting overrun by like minded people who hate this cuntfaced assfuck.

It’s quickly become my second most commented post, after Craig Kilborn, and within a few days I’m pretty sure it will be number one.

I guess I had no idea how many people hate this piece of shit, smug asshole.

The part of it that bothers me the most, is that UPS fucking sucks.  I have to rely on UPS a lot for my job, and if there’s one thing that brown can do for you, it’s fuck up your day.  You know what these fuckers do if someone ships something to a building but forget to put a suite number down?  They don’t bother delivering.  They just say, “fuck it, fuck you, we’re UPS and we’re too lazy to look at a directory.”

Look, I know these drivers are busy dudes and have a lot of stops to make.  Well you know who else are busy dudes and have a lot of stops to make?  Fedex drivers.  Yet, when the same shit happens to Fedex, you know what they do?  They either look at a goddamn directory and deliver your shit, or they call the shipper to get a fucking suite number.

You don’t see that in these whiteboard commercials.  It’s just not there.  But it should be.  Just the assfuck whiteboard guy standing there, and maybe he draws a middle finger, and then when they try to get cute and start animating shit, maybe it can wave back and forth at you.

So anyway, I’m glad that all of us whiteboard hating people have come together on my blog.  He is a fucking douche and you are all welcome here.

Fuck you UPS whiteboard guy.

I was searching my blog for something the other day and came across the following post, that personally, I find fucking hilarious.  So I’m reposting for fun.

Who’s Gay?

So the big news this week (aside from Anna Nicole Smith’s sudden death) came from the NBA where former player John Amaechi has come out of the closet and announced he’s gay.  This is apparently big news, since he’s the first ever NBA player to say he’s gay.

Honestly, I don’t see why this is that big a deal.  But athletes tend to be stupid, thus there’s a lot of homophobia in all the major sports.  This is what makes it difficult for guys like John Amaechi to come out while they’re still playing.  But any pro athlete who thinks that there aren’t any gay dudes on their team, well that’s just completely naive.

One of the better quotes that has since come out since this story broke came from Duke’s own Shavlik Randolph.  First off, I don’t know why anyone is quoting him anyway, I mean it’s fucking Shavlik Randolph.  The fact that this douchebag is even in the NBA still baffles me.  But anyway, here’s his quote, in case you missed it: “”As long as you don’t bring your gayness on me, I’m fine.”  In case you’ve never seen Shavlik Randolph, I really don’t think he needs to worry about anyone coming on to him, man or woman.  Shavlik Randolph is one ugly fucker.

But that’s the one thing that always seems to resonate whenever a story like this breaks, where players are so fearful that the homosexuals on their teams will suddenly start trying to assrape them.  What’s truly great about this, is that like I already stated, there are probably a dozen or so (maybe more) gay people already playing in the NBA.  They’re just not out because everyone that surrounds them is so fucking stupid.

Think about it.  There are over 400 players in the NBA.  You don’t think that 2-3% of these people are gay?  Of course they are.  It’s just like any demographic of society.  I don’t care what you do or who you are, just because you play ball for a living doesn’t mean you can’t be gay.  What idiots like Shavlik Randolph need to realize is that they’re probably already playing with someone who is gay.  Big fucking deal.

So I figured I’d try to have a little fun with this and figure out who else in the NBA likes to shoot at his own team’s basket.  Here are a few candidates:

Shavlik Randolph:  Oh come on, this one is too easy.  It’s no secret that the biggest gay-bashers are the ones who are gay themselves.  It also doesn’t help that he’s from Duke, where most of our homosexual athletes come from.  We all know that Coach K is prone towards recruiting homosexuals (see below).

the rest in alphabetical order:

Ray Allen:  I’ve always had a lot of respect for Ray Allen.  He generally seems like a good guy, and the guy is a baller despite the fact that he’s been on some seriously shitty teams his entire career.  But there’s just something about him…yeah, he’s definitely gay.

Shane Battier:  Unlike Ray Allen, I hate this douchebag, but not because he’s a homosexual.  I hate him because he’s always comes across as such a smug piece of shit, dating back to his days at, that’s right, Duke.  Why are all Duke players homosexuals?  I don’t know.

Kwame Brown:  Okay, he might not be gay, but he does play basketball like a woman.

Kobe Bryant:  I’m pretty sure all that ‘rape’ stuff was just an act to cover for the fact that he’s gay.  I mean, the guy got married to his high school girlfriend.  What athlete would marry his high school girlfriend when there’s so much hot ass on the road every week?  It doesn’t make any sense.  No no, Kobe Bryant is probably gay.

Boris Diaw:  He’s French.  Enough said.

Rudy Gay:  I mean shit, it’s in his fucking NAME.

Devin Harris:  Isn’t Devin a girl’s name?

Brendan Haywood:  I love Brendan.  But there’s something about him that screams “self-hating queer.”  Why do you think he gets into fights all the time?

Sarunas Jasikevicius:  Maryland alum.  I only question him because he spent the last ten or so years playing ball in Israel, and from what I could tell from my trip there, every dude in Israel is gay.

Jared Jeffries:  Jared kinda looks like he wants to be wearing women’s clothing.  I’m just saying.

Jason Kapono:  I never liked this guy, but not because he’s gay.  He had a quote back when he was drafted about how he thought he should have gone higher but didn’t because he wasn’t European.  Whatever, pretty boy.

Mark Madsen:  Too obvious.

Adam Morrison:  Notorious crier.  Has the same hair as many women.  Gay.

Steve Nash:  Here’s a little known fact - Steve Nash has NEVER, EVER, been seen with a woman under any circumstances, ever.  He even refuses to give sideline interviews with female reporters.  By the way, none of that is true.

J.J. Redick:  How much do I hate this fucker (again, not because he’s gay).  And another Duke alum.

Ben Wallace:  Hey, there ARE some thug homos too.  Not all gay dudes are like Christopher Lowell.

Yao Ming:  Just cause.

Hey, maybe someone could help me out here, wasn’t Tracy Murray supposedly gay?  Wasn’t that why he got into that fight when Rod Strickland beat the shit out of him?  I can’t remember.  Anyone?

There’s this commercial they run on Fox news all the time.  In fact, up until just the other day, I thought it was only run on Fox News but then I saw it on, I believe Comedy Central.

The commercial is basically a bunch of children saying what they want to be when they grow up:

“I’m a life and I want to be an astronaut.”

“I’m a life and I want to be a supreme court justice.” (as if a 9 year old girl even knows what that means)

And of course it ends with this 10 year old black girl who says “I want to be president of the United States!  And I’m a life!”

Yeah.  The only realistic part of this commercial is the little girl who says, “I want to be a mom.”  Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can pull that one off.

Other than that, someone should tell these kids to reach a little lower.

Look, if you have kids, I think it’s great to encourage them.  But let’s not be delusional here.  There are maybe what, a dozen astronauts in this country?  There’s what, nine Supreme Court Justices?  I know there’s only one president.

However, there are plenty of moms.

All I’m saying is that this pro-life commerical is entirely stupid.  And these poor deluded child actors.  Well, maybe they’re not actually deluded because they are reading from a script, but if there are little black girls out there who think they can be the president one day…sorry honey, but that’s pretty fucking unlikely.

They really should remake this commercial a little more realistic.

“I’m a life, and I want to drive a cab!”

“I’m a life and I want to be unemployed and hang out in my parent’s basement!”

“I’m a life and I want to get addicted to meth and sell my body for it!”

See, there are lots of people who do these things.  Maybe if this commercial was a little more realistic I could get down with the pro-lifers.  Nah, probably not.