I couldn’t resist. After watching what I did last night from the 8-9 news hour, I just had to do it one more time. This time, I grabbed a piece of paper and started scribbling notes.
MSNBC: Ah, Rachel Maddow. How do I hate thee? Maddow’s show was much like last night’s. And shocking! Maddow starts off again with Brian Williams and the sad guy who’s been reporting in Haiti for 30 years. And they tell us, that yes, it is bad. Things in Haiti, they’re still bad. Who knew? Then she cuts to some correspondent who shows his footage from the day, and literally ends it by basically saying “this is the definition of people who need help.” Okay, got it. Haiti needs help. Back to Maddow who starts telling us how the United States is contributing. There’s this great, magical organization called Doctors Without Borders. And Doctors Without Borders is wonderful. And Doctors Without Borders is here to save the day. And Doctors Without Borders can heal this sick. And Doctors Without Borders can raise the dead. And Doctors Without Borders…my point is it was a little overkill, especially with using the words “Doctors Without Borders.” Then she’s got some guy from some other organization (sorry, can’t read my notes) who also tells us how much we’re helping. Got it. Haiti needs help. We’re helping. The United States, and President Obama. Then we get some lady on who tells us some history about Hispanola. Not sure of the political leaning here, it actually seemed pretty straight-forward and interesting. Then the Secretary (that is, Obama’s Secretary) of Agriculture is on. And he tells us all the wonderful ways the United States is helping. And we end with Maddow and some guy who runs a completely genius company called MGIVE. Here’s how MGIVE works, as far as I can tell - they setup a number that people can text message to donate money to non-profits and charities. You get a number, like 7777 and text “Red Cross” or something like that, and via your phone bill, you donate money to the Red Cross. A pretty easy, and convenient way for people to donate money to their favorite charities. Seriously, no sarcasm. And what does MGIVE get out of this? Well I’m glad you asked! Sign up for the “BRONZE Plan and they get a one time setup fee of $500, $399 per month, and $.35 + 3.5% of the donation! Sign up for the SILVER plan and they get a one time setup of $500, $649 per month, and $.32 + 3.5% of the donation! Or, be a BIG spender and sign up for the GOLD PLAN and they get a $500 setup fee, $1,499 per month, and $.30 + 3.5% of the donation! Now, I have to say, this has got to be one of the best ideas I’ve ever heard. Seriously. I wish I had thought of this. MGIVE = complete fucking genius. Anyway, the dude from MGIVE says that for the Red Cross Haiti donation, they’ve waived all their fees. Well that’s nice. But this guy also got a pretty fucking awesome plug on MSNBC, as Maddow gives him about ten minutes to talk and also says that she used MGIVE to donate to the Red Cross earlier today. So once again our theme is clear. Thanks MSNBC!
CNN: It’s Larry King! How this man is still semi-coherent I have no idea. Anyway, we go straight to Anderson Cooper who is on the scene. And Anderson Cooper’s got more great stories of the things he’s seen and the shit he’s witnessed. And it is fucked up. I mean, you wouldn’t fucking believe the shit Cooper has seen. He saw a dead 13 year old girl put on a dump truck and but in a giant bin full of bodies (and thanks to some handy camera-work, we get to see the footage!). He also has some other tales of woe and despair and it’s all very in your face and graphic sounding. Next up is Philadelphia 76’s center Sam Dalembert (who is also on my fantasy basketball team). He’s sad. He wants to go help. More tragic pictures shown side by side as he speaks. Oh yeah, he’s Haitian. Then they show a PSA for the Red Cross starring Michelle Obama (hmm, this seems to be on the wrong channel). Then they go back to Haiti and some boring guy talks while, side by side, more graphic images are shown! Well, side by side is a bit misleading. On my TV screen let’s say he took up 10% of it, the GRAPHIC IMAGES took up about 65% of it, and the rest of the screen were fancy CNN graphics. Boring guy is done talking and then we cut to some American girl who lost her foot in the earthquake, but is now safe and back in the US. Well thank god she’s back. Her story too, is pretty remarkable, almost movie-like. Then we cut back to some correspondent in Haiti and she too has seen some crazy shit! She tells a story of a man who was literally being burned by a blowtorch in order to get him out from rubble. The story, wow. I mean it’s fucking amazing. Just another action-packed, amazing story from Haiti. Oh, and while she speaks, as if the story isn’t enough, we get more side by side GRAPHIC IMAGES. Then we end with the director of US Aid talking while we get more side by side GRAPHIC IMAGES. Seriously. It would seem the theme here too hasn’t really changed.
Fox News: I don’t have a lot of notes from Fox News. Why? Well, Hannity started off the show with a 30 second news bite about the earthquake in Haiti. Surprisingly this time, he doesn’t make up numbers or misrepresent facts. However, we cut straight to….a THREE DAY OLD INTERVIEW HE DID WITH SARAH PALIN! And it lasts for…30 FUCKING MINUTES! Dude! Dude! One of the biggest natural disasters in recent history just happened, and you’re talking to Sarah Palin about…about what? Despite how hot Sarah Palin looked, I couldn’t bare to watch most of this. After the THREE DAY OLD INTERVIEW HE DID WITH SARAH PALIN was over, we got a Fox Newsbreak. Some way less cute anchor than the one last night comes on and gives us some more actual facts about Haiti. That lasts about 30 seconds before we go back to Hannity who is talking to Newt Gingrich about….not Haiti, but the MASSACHUSETTES ELECTION! And this might be one of the biggest elections of all time! It must! Right? So then after that we get the Sean Hannity Great Great Great American Panel (except for the one blithering idiot democrat he always has on, tonight no exception). They discuss more things not Haiti. And then the show ends.
I’m not sure I can handle another night of this.
Oh my god I fucking love cable news. I’m about 40 minutes late in starting to type this so I’m just trying to keep up.
So, there was a giant earthquake in Haiti today. 7.0. It was right in the center of Port au Prince, which is the capital and has 2 million of Haiti’s 9 million people.
Here are the facts as we know them: the president of Haiti has said that 50-100,000 people might be dead. Many countries, including the United States, Iceland, Venezuela, and China are sending aid. The United states has sent 2,000 marines and supplies. The population of Haiti is 9 million. The population of Haiti is 9 million. The population of Haiti is 9 million. THE POPULATION OF HAITI IS 9 MILLION. The population of Port Au Prince is roughly 2.5-3 million. The American Red Cross estimates that as many as 3 million Haitians are in need of help. These are the facts. ANNNNNNNNNND GOOOOOOOOOOO!
First up, the end of Olberman running into Maddow:
Olberman discusses some insane shit that Pat Robertson said, which essentially was “Haiti got its independence by making a deal with the devil, true story.” BAM. Followed by clips of Rush Limbaugh saying that our big, great president came right to the rescue for the black children of Haiti but waiting THREE DAYS to respond to the failed underwear bomber. Always the blacks on top! These people are so fucking crazy.
Maddow: Caught the first few of her while I was flipping back and forth. But first, a change to Fox to see what’s going on there:
Hannity: Um, something about democratic political corruption? Er, you guys know that like, a huge natural disaster is currently happening, right? Okay, back to Maddow!
Maddow: Maddow has Brian Williams, and a few other NBC newspeople on the ground. And they’re talking about the dire situation in Haiti. I mean, man, it’s bad. That’s roughly the consensus among all five. Things are bad here in Haiti. One guy basically said that Haiti is a complete shithole, and that was even BEFORE the earthquake! And this guy, he would know how shitty Haiti is because he’s been reporting there seemingly forever. Al Roker starts talking about…the weather (sorry I left the room for a minute but when I got back he WAS talking about the weather). Even the weather is shitty. Man oh man, Haiti is shitty. And what do they need more than anything? THEY NEED HELP! And over to Fox News!
Hannity: Um, still talking about democratic political corruption?? Hey, FOX! Wake up, guys! And back to CNN:
Larry King interviews Anderson Cooper who is in Port Au Prince. Anderson cooper tells us some just, heart-wrenching stories, some of which might even be true, about the truly amazingly, tragic, almost…movie-like things that he has witnessed since arriving. A 13 year old girl was just pulled from rubble, having survived 18 hours under it. Holy shit, that’s crazy right? But it’s worse, Anderson tells us, as rescue workers pulled her out, and sat her down next to her four dead relatives. Seriously. I hope we get to see pictures of this, because, you know, you’d think since CNN was on the scene to witness this, they should have some shots. Not saying this didn’t happen, I’m just saying that Anderson Cooper’s tales were pretty fucking dramatic….and back to Maddow!
Maddow: She’s got a woman from the Red Cross on. They discuss how fucked up Haiti is, and how the US has already helped (thanks, Mr. Obama!), and how there’s already hope (thanks again Mr. Obama!). But how else can we help, because we as Americans, have to help! The red cross woman tells us how we can help. Thanks, MSNBC! America kicks ass (thanks to a certain charmingly handsome black president!). And over to CNN!
CNN: We are live on the scene with Dr. Sanjay Gupta, medical correspondent, who tells us that GUNSHOTS! GUNSHOTS LARRY! THERE’S BEEN GUNSHOTS HERE IN PORT AU PRINCE! THIS SHIT IS FUCKING DRAMATIC. GET US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, LARRY! I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS CRAZY, FUCKING, DRAMATIC ACTION!! That’s only half an exaggeration. And back to Maddow:
Maddow: Maddow’s got the US Ambassador to Haiti on the line and this motherfucker is pissed off. He starts off by calling out Pat Robertson. And I’ve never seen a Haitian so pissed off before. He basically says that the United States has directly profited (namely the Louisiana Purchase) off of Haiti’s independence, so if Haiti made a deal with the devil, well then what does that say about the US. Bam! This shit was so fucking gangster. And a quick cut over to Fox News:
Fox: Newsbreak! We cut to some cute, blonde Fox anchor. Fox Anchor: Hey, we just heard about some earthquake in Haiti. The president of Haitihas said that thousands are dead. Thousands. By the way, the United States has sent 2,000 marines and aid. Big deal. The Red Cross says that as many as 9 MILLION HAITIANS are in need of help. You connect the dots. Or I’ll just connect the dots. Fox News, would have us believe that only “thousands” of people are dead, yet 9 million people are in need of assistance. That’s the whole fucking country. It’s pretty amazing that they’re trying to downplay the earthquake, yet making it sound 3 times as large as all other reports (including the Red Cross’s own statement that 3 million people NOT NINE MILLION PEOPLE, THE ENTIRE FUCKING POPULATION OF THE COUNTRY) and so clearly 2,000 marines are a huge fucking help. Gee thanks, asshole president! And back to CNN:
CNN: Larry King’s got Ben Stiller and some hot black actress who is apparently Haitian on. And oh dear god, the tragedy! The shock! The horror! The hot black actress was so moved by the pictures she’s been seeing. And cut to commercial! But not before a montage of horrible pictures of the destruction in Haiti! And cut to Fox!
Fox: It’s the Sean Hannity Great Great American Panel! And it’s a bunch of assholes talking about…not Haiti! Cut back to CNN:
CNN: Larry King shows us a bunch of sad looking black people who are apparently missing relatives in Haiti. Everyone is sad. TRAGEDY! DRAMA!
And back to Maddow: Maddow tells us how, specifically, we can help. How we great democratic Americans who love Lord Barrack Obama, can help. Because that’s what we do. Back to Fox!
Fox: Still the Great Great Great Greatly…blind(?) American Panel is still talking about…I’m not sure, not Haiti.
And we’re out of time!
(bonus coverage! Anderson Cooper warns us about…GRAPHIC IMAGES! IT’S FUCKING HORRIBLE! IT’S TERRIBLE! Gretta Van Sustern also mentions thousands have been injured though I can’t look at this woman so I change the channel. Anderson Cooper makes me look like an asshole by showing footage of the 13 year old girl who is trapped and rescued. Wow, that was dramatic!)
So, to summarize:
MSNBC: Haiti is fucked. Haiti needs help. Hey, Americans have been helping! Liberal Americans who love our president!
Fox News: Yawn, Wake us up when something interesting happens. 9 million people need help and we’re sending 2,000? What a joke this country has become.
CNN: LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!