So, I was watching the Wizards/Cavs game today on TNT, which sucked by the way, but TNT has this thing that they’ve been breaking out for the last couple of years during the playoffs.

I guess, ABC, TNT, and ESPN all start feeling like more casual fans start watching during the playoffs, so they know less about the teams and individual players.  I actually wrote about this probably last year at this time because some announcers take it to the next level wherein they being to explain very basic rules of the game.

Anyway, TNT has this thing they do which is completely ridiculous.  At random times during the game when a player is shooting free throws, they run this “stat” under his name that says “Team Role,” followed by whatever his “team role” is.

For instance, today during the Cavs/Wiz game, I noticed two.  They were:

Lebron James: Miracle Worker

Anderson Varejao:  Team Energizer Bunny.

If you can’t tell by those two alone just how stupid this is, well then I feels sorry for you.  Actually, I believe last year, Lebron’s role was, and I’m not making this up, “Savior.”  Savior.  Like he’s the fucking messiah or some shit.  And Team Energizer Bunny?  Really?  I mean really?
So anyway, just for the hell of it, and in yet another attempt to alienate any of my female readers, here’s a list of some real Team Roles for various players in the NBA playoffs:

New Jersey Nets:

Clifford Robinson: AARP Member.

Vince Carter:  Team Backstabbing Douchebag.

Marcus Williams:  Computer Thief.

Toronto Raptors:

Andrea Bargnani: Team Italian.

Juan Dixon:  Most Awesome Guy Ever.

Luke Jackson:  Team “That Guy Is Still in the NBA?”

Miami Heat:

Shaquille O’Neal:  Team Genie.

Jason Kapono:  3 Point Shooting White Guy.

Michael Doleac: Tall White Guy.

Jason Williams:  Black White Guy.

Chicago Bulls:

Ben Wallace: Stylist.

Viktor Khryapa: Guy With Too Many Consonants in his Name.

Chris Duhon: Mediocre Duke Player.

Utah Jazz:

Gordan Giricek: Most Non-Athletic Looking Dude.

Andrei Kirilenko:  Rocky Marciano Opponent.

Houston Rockets:

Shane Battier:  Most Confusing Head.

Luther Head:  Funniest Last Name.

Yao Ming: Tall Chinese Guy.

Washington Wizards:

Calvin Booth: Scarecrow.

Michael Ruffin: Scarecrow #2.

Andre Blache: Bullseye.

Etan Thomas:  Team Predator.

Cleveland Cavaliers:

Ira Newble: Team Dude With a Jewish Name.

LA Lakers: 

Kobe Bryant:  Team Rapist.

Kwame Brown: Cake Thrower.  Popeye’s Eater.  Pussycat.  Child.  Bust.  Choose one.

Phoenix Suns

You know what?  I’ve got nothing to say about these guys.  But did you realize that Eric Piatkowski is on the Suns?  Really?  When did this happen?

Denver Nuggets:

Carmelo Anthony:  Coward.

Allen Iverson:  Practice Organizer.

San Antonio Spurs:

Manu Ginobili: Rogaine Representative.

Tony Parker:  Luckiest Man Alive.

Golden State Warriors:

Stephen Jackson:  Bad Ass.

Dallas Mavericks:

Erick Dampier:  Best NBA2K Player Ever.