I was thinking, if our government ever stops arguing about death panels and birth certificates and they ever pass universal health care (which I’m not in favor of anyway), it’s going to really change the United States as we know it.
I mean, it’s even going to affect television and movies (really the only things I care about). You remember that movie John Q with Denzel Washington? No? I don’t blame you, it sucked. But basically in the movie, Denzel Washington gets fired from his job, loses his health coverage and then his son comes down with heart cancer or something. But since Denzel doesn’t have health coverage anymore, he can’t afford to get heart cancer surgery for his son. So what does he do? He goes into a hospital and takes like a dozen people hostage in order to get the surgery done. The movie is pretty fucking stupid, but the point is, with universal health coverage, Denzel wouldn’t have to do this.
So I think they should make John Q 2. It will be the story of what happens the second time around after universal health coverage has been passed and Denzel’s son gets heart cancer again. But this time, instead of having to take a hospital hostage, the movie is just like, two hours of Denzel Washington filling out paperwork. And you can just watch him getting more and more frustrated with each passing minute. It’s just two hours of Denzel visiting various governement offices, dealing with incompetent government employees, and filling out paperwork. It will be the most boring and frustrating movie you’ve ever seen. We’ll call it John Q 2: Government Beauracracy. I promise you’ll hate it.
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Have I already mentioned how much I hate the tv and radio ads about those stupid Coor’s Light cans that change to blue when the beer is cold? I think I have. But they’re playing a new one. I was driving home from work today and the radio ad went like this: “Hi, I’m Kevin. This weekend I was at a barbecue and I went to grab a beer from the cooler but I didn’t know if it was cold or not!” Oh really, Kevin? What are you, fucking retarded? You know how I can tell if a beer is cold or not? I touch it. I fucking touch it. And guess what? If it feels cold, I drink it. If it doesn’t, I put it back in the fridge and I wait. I don’t need a can to fucking change colors to let me know my beer is cold. Because I’m not a complete fucking idiot.
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I make fun of religion a lot. It’s easy and it’s fun. Religion is stupid. But speaking as a jew, I have to say, I think that we got one thing right, and that’s the subject of conversion. When it comes to conversion, Jews are like the opposite of mormons. We actually go out of our way to discourage people from converting. Technically, a rabbi is supposed to reject a prospective convert three times before allowing them to convert. And even then the convert has to do a shitload of studying and testing before they’re even allowed to convert.
Personally, I think that’s awesome. It’s like “Are you really sure you want to do this?” The only way this could be more awesome is if we took the same approach as mormons, except in reverse. Like Jews should be forced to go on Anti-Missions where we travel to various parts of the world knocking on doors, passing out pamphlets about why you should probably just stay whatever religion you are and definitely NOT convert to judaism. Basically, it would be a giant waste of time for everyone involved. So I guess in that respect it would be a lot like a regular mission.
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Okay, I’m going to go watch football now.