Oh my god I fucking love cable news.  I’m about 40 minutes late in starting to type this so I’m just trying to keep up.

So, there was a giant earthquake in Haiti today.  7.0.  It was right in the center of Port au Prince, which is the capital and has 2 million of Haiti’s 9 million people.

Here are the facts as we know them: the president of Haiti has said that 50-100,000 people might be dead.  Many countries, including the United States, Iceland, Venezuela, and China are sending aid.  The United states has sent 2,000 marines and supplies.  The population of Haiti is 9 million.  The population of Haiti is 9 million.  The population of Haiti is 9 million.  THE POPULATION OF HAITI IS 9 MILLION.  The population of Port Au Prince is roughly 2.5-3 million.  The American Red Cross estimates that as many as 3 million Haitians are in need of help.  These are the facts.  ANNNNNNNNNND GOOOOOOOOOOO!

First up, the end of Olberman running into Maddow:

Olberman discusses some insane shit that Pat Robertson said, which essentially was “Haiti got its independence by making a deal with the devil, true story.”  BAM.  Followed by clips of Rush Limbaugh saying that our big, great president came right to the rescue for the black children of Haiti but waiting THREE DAYS to respond to the failed underwear bomber.  Always the blacks on top!  These people are so fucking crazy.

Maddow:  Caught the first few of her while I was flipping back and forth.  But first, a change to Fox to see what’s going on there:

Hannity:  Um, something about democratic political corruption?  Er, you guys know that like, a huge natural disaster is currently happening, right?  Okay, back to Maddow!

Maddow: Maddow has Brian Williams, and a few other NBC newspeople on the ground.  And they’re talking about the dire situation in Haiti.  I mean, man, it’s bad.  That’s roughly the consensus among all five.  Things are bad here in Haiti.  One guy basically said that Haiti is a complete shithole, and that was even BEFORE the earthquake!  And this guy, he would know how shitty Haiti is because he’s been reporting there seemingly forever.  Al Roker starts talking about…the weather (sorry I left the room for a minute but when I got back he WAS talking about the weather).  Even the weather is shitty.  Man oh man, Haiti is shitty.  And what do they need more than anything?  THEY NEED HELP!  And over to Fox News!

Hannity:  Um, still talking about democratic political corruption??  Hey, FOX! Wake up, guys!  And back to CNN:

Larry King interviews Anderson Cooper who is in Port Au Prince.  Anderson cooper tells us some just, heart-wrenching stories, some of which might even be true, about the truly amazingly, tragic, almost…movie-like things that he has witnessed since arriving.  A 13 year old girl was just pulled from rubble, having survived 18 hours under it.  Holy shit, that’s crazy right?  But it’s worse, Anderson tells us, as rescue workers pulled her out, and sat her down next to her four dead relatives.  Seriously.  I hope we get to see pictures of this, because, you know, you’d think since CNN was on the scene to witness this, they should have some shots. Not saying this didn’t happen, I’m just saying that Anderson Cooper’s tales were pretty fucking dramatic….and back to Maddow!

Maddow:  She’s got a woman from the Red Cross on.  They discuss how fucked up Haiti is, and how the US has already helped (thanks, Mr. Obama!), and how there’s already hope (thanks again Mr. Obama!).  But how else can we help, because we as Americans, have to help!  The red cross woman tells us how we can help.  Thanks, MSNBC!  America kicks ass (thanks to a certain charmingly handsome black president!).  And over to CNN!

CNN: We are live on the scene with Dr. Sanjay Gupta, medical correspondent, who tells us that GUNSHOTS!  GUNSHOTS LARRY!  THERE’S BEEN GUNSHOTS HERE IN PORT AU PRINCE!  THIS SHIT IS FUCKING DRAMATIC.  GET US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, LARRY!  I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS CRAZY, FUCKING, DRAMATIC ACTION!!  That’s only half an exaggeration.  And back to Maddow:

Maddow: Maddow’s got the US Ambassador to Haiti on the line and this motherfucker is pissed off.  He starts off by calling out Pat Robertson.  And I’ve never seen a Haitian so pissed off before.  He basically says that the United States has directly profited (namely the Louisiana Purchase) off of Haiti’s independence, so if Haiti made a deal with the devil, well then what does that say about the US.  Bam!  This shit was so fucking gangster.  And a quick cut over to Fox News:
Fox:  Newsbreak!  We cut to some cute, blonde Fox anchor.  Fox Anchor: Hey, we just heard about some earthquake in Haiti.  The president of Haitihas said that thousands are dead.  Thousands.  By the way, the United States has sent 2,000 marines and aid.  Big deal.  The Red Cross says that as many as 9 MILLION HAITIANS are in need of help.  You connect the dots.  Or I’ll just connect the dots.  Fox News, would have us believe that only “thousands” of people are dead, yet 9 million people are in need of assistance.  That’s the whole fucking country.  It’s pretty amazing that they’re trying to downplay the earthquake, yet making it sound 3 times as large as all other reports (including the Red Cross’s own statement that 3 million people NOT NINE MILLION PEOPLE, THE ENTIRE FUCKING POPULATION OF THE COUNTRY) and so clearly 2,000 marines are a huge fucking help.  Gee thanks, asshole president!  And back to CNN:

CNN:  Larry King’s got Ben Stiller and some hot black actress who is apparently Haitian on.  And oh dear god, the tragedy! The shock!  The horror!  The hot black actress was so moved by the pictures she’s been seeing.  And cut to commercial!  But not before a montage of horrible pictures of the destruction in Haiti!  And cut to Fox!

Fox: It’s the Sean Hannity Great Great American Panel!  And it’s a bunch of assholes talking about…not Haiti!  Cut back to CNN:

CNN: Larry King shows us a bunch of sad looking black people who are apparently missing relatives in Haiti.  Everyone is sad.  TRAGEDY!  DRAMA!

And back to Maddow:  Maddow tells us how, specifically, we can help.  How we great democratic Americans who love Lord Barrack Obama, can help.  Because that’s what we do.  Back to Fox!

Fox: Still the Great Great Great Greatly…blind(?) American Panel is still talking about…I’m not sure, not Haiti.

And we’re out of time!

(bonus coverage!  Anderson Cooper warns us about…GRAPHIC IMAGES!  IT’S FUCKING HORRIBLE!  IT’S TERRIBLE!  Gretta Van Sustern also mentions thousands have been injured though I can’t look at this woman so I change the channel.  Anderson Cooper makes me look like an asshole by showing footage of the 13 year old girl who is trapped and rescued.  Wow, that was dramatic!)
So, to summarize:

MSNBC:  Haiti is fucked.  Haiti needs help.  Hey, Americans have been helping!  Liberal Americans who love our president!

Fox News: Yawn,  Wake us up when something interesting happens.  9 million people need help and we’re sending 2,000?  What a joke this country has become.

CNN: LIGHTS!  CAMERA!  ACTION!