So I know I haven’t written in a while.  Whatever.

I watched a movie tonight that I had been excited about since I saw the trailer.  It’s called Big Fan and it stars comedian Patton Oswalt (who I never have found funny).  Anyway, I had really high hopes for the movie given some of the stuff I’d read about it.  And now that I’ve seen it I feel I have to write something.

Big Fan kind of reminded me of a story I was told when I was a kid (with a few updates), that goes like this (might get long):

Once upon a time there was a boy named Timmy.  And Timmy loooooved the circus, but most of all, he looooooved clowns.  Timmy had posters all over his bedroom walls of all kinds of clowns: happy clowns, sad clowns, hobo clowns, clowns raping each other, you get the idea.

But Timmy was poor and he loved on the shitty side of town.  His father was a drunk and hadn’t held down a job in years, and his mother was a dirty prostitute.  For these reasons, Timmy didn’t have any money as a child and was never able to go to the circus and see the clowns.

One day on his way to school as he walked by discarded hypodermic needles and used condoms, Timmy saw a billboard up that said the circus was coming to town.  The billboard was really colorful and had pictures of elephants and lions and tightrope walkers…and CLOWNS!

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” Timmy thought, “I HAVE GOT TO GO TO THE MOTHERFUCKING CIRCUS!”  (even as a small child, Timmy’s language was vulgar).

But as previously mentioned, Timmy’s family was broke and the circus was going to be impossible to go to.

Or was it?

That day after school, Timmy went to the library and got on Craigslist and started looking around for odd jobs he could do to earn money.  After making the mistake of first looking at the “adult gigs” section (and in the process getting a newfound education), Timmy discovered all kinds of jobs he could do to earn the $20 he would need to go to the circus.

Three weeks later Timmy had all the money he needed.  He hopped on the bus and headed downtown to see the circus.

First the elephants came out and then the lions and the tigers and the tightrope walkers and the jugglers, and then some asian twins who balanced each other on their vaginas (borrowed from Cirque de Soleil) and finally…a tiny car drove out into the center of the circus and what popped out?  CLOWNS.  One clown, two clowns, three clowns.  Eventually 20 clowns had piled out of the tiny car and Timmy’s mind was blown.

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS SO GODDAMN FUCKING AWESOME!” Timmy’s inner voice told him.  It really was the greatest day ever.  And then finally a clown that must have been ten feet tall got out of the car and he walked to the middle of all the other clowns and he grabbed a microphone.  “I need a volunteer from the audience!” he said.

Timmy’s hand shot straight to the air, and wouldn’t you know, the clown chose Timmy to be the volunteer.

So Timmy hopped out of his seat and he walked up to this giant, wonderful clown, having no idea what he had volunteered for.

And the clown spoke back into the microphone, and he said to Timmy, “Little boy, you don’t know what you just volunteered for, do you?”  And Timmy said no, as the giant clown mesmorized him.  And the clown said, “Well then does that make you…an elephant?!”  And Timmy laughed and shook his head no.  And the clown said “Well, does that make you…a tiger?”  And Timmy laughed again and couldn’t believe just how goddamn funny this amazing clown was.   And then the clown got very serious, and he looked at Timmy, and then he smiled and said “Well I guess that makes you a jackass!”

And the clown started laughing and then all of a sudden everyone in the audience was laughing and pretty soon everyone was pointing at Timmy and shouting “Jackass” at him over and over.  Timmy began to cry and he ran all the way home.

Timmy couldn’t sleep all night but he promised himself one thing - he would have vengeance on that clown.

Days passed.  Then weeks.  Then years.  This is usually how time passes.
Timmy got older but he never forgot the day that the clown humiliated him.

Timmy learned kung fu and eventually became a gun enthusiast.  Despite never having a job for more than three months at a time, he had a gun collection that even Sarah Palin would be proud of.

One day, nearly 20 years after the clown incident, as he was riding the bus home from work, he spotted a sign that the circus was coming to town.  And much like when he was a child, again he had no money for the circus as he could barely pay his rent.

So again Timmy got on Craigslist and again got some odd jobs so he could afford to go to the circus (inflation had raised the price of a ticket to nearly $10,000).

After appearing in his 23rd gay porno, Timmy could finally afford to see the circus.

So again he went to the circus.  Again he hopped on the bus and headed downtown.
First the elephants came out and then the lions and the tigers and the tightrope walkers and the jugglers, and finally…a tiny car drove out into the center of the circus and what popped out?  CLOWNS.  And again, one clown, two clowns, three clowns.  Eventually 20 clowns had piled out of the tiny car but this time, Timmy’s mind was not blown.

He had been waiting for this moment for his entire life.  It would be the night he had his revenge on the clown that humiliated him.

And again the giant clown (as an adult Timmy realized it was just some asshole in facepaint on stilts) came out of the car and again he grabbed a microphone and asked for a volunteer from the audience.  And again Timmy’s hand popped straight into the air and amazingly enough, the clown on stilts chose him to come to the stage even though this bit was usually reserved for some retarded child.
As Timmy walked to the stage he could feel the barrel of the gun rubbing against his back.

And the clown spoke back into the microphone, and he said to Timmy, “Well Sir, you don’t know what you just volunteered for, do you?”  And Timmy shook his head no, and thought “Jesus Christ, this guy’s been doing the same material for 20 years.”  And the clown said, “Well then does that make you…an elephant?!”  And Timmy shook his head no.  And the clown said “Well, does that make you…a tiger?”  And Timmy once again shook his head no.  And before the clown is able to finish the bit, Timmy grabs the mic out of the clown’s hand and he yells into it, “You know what?” And he drops the microphone and reaches behind him and whips them back, middle fingers extended and he yells “FUCK YOU CLOWN!”

And that’s what Big Fan was like.