So I got the idea to write a running commentary through tonight’s National Championship game between Butler and Duke.  Unfortunately, I got this idea with about 9 minutes played in the game.  So I’ll take it from there.  Full disclosure:  I am a HUGE Duke fan so I’ll be writing from that perspective….just making sure you’re paying attention.

AND WE’RE BACK LIVE WITH JIM NANTZ AND CLARK KELLOGG

And it’s so nice to say that instead of Billy Packer.

11:05 - Nolan Smith is shooting foul shots, misses both, and the score is 16-14.  John Scheyer had a really great block on a fast break layup attempt a few minutes ago that was unreal.  No, seriously.

10:00 - Singler hits a jumper.  That guy can shoot.

9:32 - Zoubek can just not keep up with that Howard kid on Butler, just grabbing at his jersey and not being called.  Howard by the way, looks like the kind of guy that would drag a gay person behind a truck.  He also cannot make a shot tonight for shit.

8:33 - Howard picks ups his second foul.  That is bad considering what I just said about Zoubek not being able to keep up.

8:21 - A travel on Duke??  Wow.

7:54 - TV timeout, Butler up 20-18.

Fuck it, let’s do the commercials too, if there’s anything worth writing.  Coke Zero ad, the worst.  Ipad commercial.  Can anyone tell me how this stupid thing isn’t just a big version of an Ipod touch?  They sold 300,000 of these stupid things in the first day.  If you bought one, congratulations, you’re fucking stupid.  Pizza hut commercial.  This is making me hungry.  Capital one commercial, I have to admit, I really liked those Ivan Brothers ads, but I think they stopped showing them in the first round.  Census commercial.  These things have been fucking non-stop.  And finally a commercial for some car.  Jesus Christ, how long are these TV timeouts??

And we’re back.

Butler’s coacch Brad Stevens looks like he can’t get into R rated movies.

7:16 - Veasley drives to the basket, there is a TON of contact and NO CALL either way.  Clark Kellogg likes the no-call because…he calls it incidental contact.  Isn’t all contact incidental?  In this case, the incident was two guys slamming into each other and no foul.

5:50 - Jon Scheyer for three.  Yeah, he can shoot too.  He did just pick up his second foul, which could be huge if you know, they called more fouls when players slam into each other.

5:27 - Duke 24 Butler 20.

5:13 - Kyle Singler takes…a hop step and two and a half steps to the basket to score.  Timeout Butler….I don’t like where this is going.

Commercials for shit I can’t afford includes cars, televisions, and…an Iron Man suit, which probably costs like millions of dollars.  Wait, that’s a movie I’m not interested in.  Is that fucking Stacey Dash in this Miller Lite commercial?  You know…Stacey Dash…from…um…she was in Clueless.  The hot black girl.  I can’t think of anything else.  If that’s her…wow, that makes me sad.  Don’t worry Stacey Dash, I still love you.
4:50 - Hayward really needs to get going here.

4:17 - They say that Zoubek has improved so much.  Well if that’s the case how come he’s 7′1 and can’t post up a guy that’s 8 inches shorter than him?

3:39 - 7-0 run by Butler to go up 27-26.

2:42  - Timeout Duke.  Good, I need ten more minutes of commercials.

Another car I can’t afford.  And we’re back.  Oh okay, just 30 seconds.

1:52 - Hayward gets molested attempting a layup.  Jump ball.  Of course it’s a jump ball.  He might have committed a blatant foul getting the rebound first though, so I guess that’s even.  Timeout.

Have you ever wanted a car that has SILVER DUST polished into the wood?  I haven’t, because who the fuck sits around thinking about that?  You know what I’d like?  A coffee table made of human toes.  Luke Wilson, you poor bastard.  You were in the Royal Tenenbaums for Christ’s sake, these ATT commercials are just sad.

You know one thing I loved about this tournament?  It’s probably the only time I ever watch CBS, and I love watching promos for all their shows.  I don’t know anyone that watches any of them.

And we’re back, Duke up 30-29.

1:20 - This scrappy little white kid on Butler can’t guard Sheyer for shit and is lucky he wasn’t called for one of four fouls just now.

0:17 - JUKES!  FOR THREE!

0:03 - Duke gets to shoot some foul shots to end the half.  Duke up 33-32.  The dream is still alive Butler.  Half-time and taking a break from the typing.

Wait, they made a new Robin Hood movie?  Wasn’t the one with Kevin Costner good enough?  And it’s our first appearance by the UPS whiteboard human stain.  Fuck this guy.

And now I’m taking a break.

I think we’re almost back.  I just walked into a Masters commercial.  The Masters, a tradition unlike any other.  Such as rich athletes cheating on their wives with dozens of skanky chicks.  It is after all, tradition.

Burger King commercial.  I’m hungry.

20:00 - Second half underway. Howard draws a foul on Zoubek and hits both shot to take the lead by one.

19:23 - Singler drills another 3, and goddamn this guy can shoot.

18:46 - Howard draw a tie ball and as they show him in slow motion it hits me.  I think he played one of the guys that rapes Samuel Jackson’s daughter in the beginning of A Time to Kill.

17:53 - Great 35 second defense that draws a shot clock violation on Duke.

17:37 - The child rapist finally scores and ties the game.

17:21 - Singler gets away with that same hop step plus two step drive again, and ends up getting a foul called on Howard.  Fuck!

16:48 - Nored with a strong drive to the bucket to tie the game, love this kid.

16:12 - Seriously, how can you be 7 feet tall and so completely useless?  And some people (see: Dick Vitale) think that Zoubek has a shot in the NBA.  Zoubek is like a less athletic version of Frankenstein.

TV timeout, yay!  Game tied at 40.

Mark couldn’t watch highlights on his phone.  Get a clue, Mark!  Coke Zero cloning…ugh…another car I can’t afford…more crap…

And we’re back.  Coach K is scowling, god I hate this fucking asshole.

14:40 - Blatant offensive goaltending on Scheyer (or so it appeared at first look), perhaps we’ll get a good replay.  Howard picks up #4, of course.  There’s our replay and…I don’t know, that ball looked like it was on the rim.  I didn’t even get a chance to see if Howard’s 4th foul was legit or not.

13:35 - Nored drills a three, and Butler goes up 43-42.  Good game so far although I’m not confident.

13:10 - Coach K holds up four fingers and shouts “FOUR!” As in, there are FOUR points on a swastika….cause you know, he looks like Hitler.

13:02 - Singler nails another 3 and he has 15.  Goddamn it.

Timeout.

Another car I can’t afford (who is buying all of these Infinitis and Benz’s and are you hiring?).  Some new kind of TV comes out a month after I finally buy a new one, wonderful.  Remake of Nightmare on Elm Street (why?  why?). Denny’s commercial which does NOT make me hungry.

And we’re back.  I wonder how many times the kids on Duke’s band will collectively have sex in their lives.  I put the over/under at 1.5.

12:37 - Jukes draws a third foul on Zoubek, who by all accounts still sucks at basketball.

Jukes apparently has a foundation for children?  I hear Jon Scheyer hates children and wants to drink their blood.  Jukes misses two foul shot and that is bad.

12:19 - Duke goes up four.

12:02 - Hayward charges into Scheyer.  Terrible call.  Terrible, awful call.  Also, college basketball apparently has the “imaginary circle” under the basket like in the NBA.  Except in the NBA, the line is actually painted on the floor and not imaginary.  Why, when you obviously own paint, would you NOT paint this line on the ground and make already bad refs even worse by making them try to guess where an imaginary line is?  How fucking stupid is this?  Paint the fucking line.  It’s a goddamn half circle under the basket.  Paint the fucking line!  While I was ranting there, Zoubek apparently picked up HIS fourth foul and that’s too bad because I’d like him to stay in the game because HE FUCKING SUCKS.  Really, I’m more scared of the Plumlee brothers than I am of Zoubek.

Timeout.

Burger King commercial.  Now I’m angry and hungry.  This State Farm asshole is beginning to rival the UPS guy.  Hey State Farm Asshole, let someone else speak.  Some other car I can’t afford.

11:21 And we’re back, Duke up 47-43 and Hayward shooting 2.

10:46 - KEEP GIVING THE BALL TO HAYWARD.  He can’t be stopped inside.  Shooting 2 again.

10:27 - Butler screaming for timeout on a loose ball, but the refs ignore it and call another tie-up.   Possession to Duke.

9:26 - Mack hits a 2 and Butler trails by two.  Hayward drives and is fouled again.  Keep doing it!  YOU CANNOT STOP HAYWARD.

8:53 - Veasley misses a wide open look that would have taken the lead.  Zoubek is back in the game?  Hayward tries to draw his fifth but gets stuffed at the rim.

Classic Scheyer face to draw the and one.

Timeout.

Bud Light.  Robin Hood, this should be interesting…nevermind.  Somewhere Kevin Costner is rolling over in his grave.  Another car I can’t afford.  I’ll take the time here to say that this game is over.  This is the point where Duke pulls away and doesn’t look back.  Sorry, it’s just the way it is.  They didn’t have to face any of the best teams in the country - Kansas, Kentucky, Syracuse, Kansas State and they will be the champs.  Sad.  Really, this makes me sad.

7:58 - Matt Howard checks back in and I give him 45 seconds before he fouls out.

Duke up 5.

7:39 - Make some foul shots Matt Howard!  YES I KILLED THEM AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!

Howard heard me and hits both.

7:10 - Nored hit with a nickel dimer that saves the shot clock running down on Duke.  Duke in the 1 and 1.  Back up five.

6:45 - Yup, it’s happening, and I’m starting to feel ill.

6:00 This is not the way this season was supposed to go.

5:42 - Brian Zoubek tosses an offensive rebound into the backcourt.  Just awful.  Zoubek is just plain awful.  How great would it have been to see him matched up against Syracuse?  Or anyone on this Duke team needing to guard Evan Turner?  Or watching John Scheyer try his best to stay in front of John Wall.  I mean, this is what we get?  Sure, I love the sentimental Butler story but…this is just not the way it could have gone.

5:34 - I thought Zoubek just fouled out but it’s on Scheyer and Matt Howard back to the line.  YES THEY DESERVED TO DIE AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!

Worked again!

Duke up 56-53.

5:07 - HUGE FOUL on Lance Thomas!  Hayward goes down very hard but it doesn’t look like that bad of a foul, and Clark Kellogg agrees with me.  Hard foul though.  Thomas picks up his fourth foul and the refs also agree it’s not a flagrant foul.  I hate Duke more than anyone in the world and I can’t argue that.  Hayward back shooting 2.

Hits both, I love this guy.

Duke by one, timeout Duke.

A car I CAN afford but don’t want.

And we’re back.  Another shot of the leper colony also known as Duke’s band.

4:45 - Singler drains another one!  Man, I can’t stand the kid but he is looking sick tonight.  And he SHOULD go pro because all Duke kids that go pro early turn out awesome.  Hey, when does Duke have to forfeit the Maggatte season?

4:18 - Hayward trying to be a hero and failing.  Duke up three ticking down.

3:55 - Nolan Smith fouled and shooting two after the last TV timeout.  I’m so depressed.  Really, other than someone murdering my family, this is the worst thing that could happen.  I might need to take a sick week.  First Mcnabb and now this.  Gilbert Arenas going to prison and the Wizards having a firesale for the rest of the team.  I mean, can’t anything good happen to any team I root for?

Who watches NCIS?  Why are there more than one NCIS?  And who the fuck is watching the Big Bang Theory?

We’re back.  Smith hits both and Duke back up 5.  Over.

3:05 - Ball stripped and another tie-up favors Butler.  That was not pretty.  They need to start making some shots.

2:57 - On the bright side, at least this game was officiated mostly well on both sides.

2:30 - Duke ball, up five.

On another bright side, I don’t really feel any true hatred for anyone significant on this Duke team.  Scheyer by all accounts seems like a decent kid.  Singler, while horrifyingly ugly, isn’t so bad either.  In fact, the only people I really don’t like on this Duke team are Zoubek and the Plumlees.  So there’s that too.

1:39 - Duke ball, up three, the crowd is into it but this game has been over.

Howard scores, one point game.  I am not going to get excited.  Timeout Duke.  I am not going to get excited.  My heart is racing a little bit.

Dear God.  Please.  Please.  God, you can save this college basketball season.  You know when players win games and they praise you?  Well, I think that’s a crock of shit.  Prove me wrong, God.  Prove to me that you follow college basketball and that there is good in this world.

0:49 - Duke ball, up one.  I smell Scheyer 3 to ice it.

Singler airball, off Zoubek’s foot!

0:08 Oh god oh god oh god oh god

Sorry, ball out of bounds off Duke.  Butler ball.  I’m going to throw up.

0:6.9 - Butler ball, down one, set to inbound.  Heartbreak is immenent.

Really, how can it end any other way.

Sorry, 13.6 left in game, 6 on shot clock.

Hayward needs to call Butler’s last timeout as he cannot get the ball in.

When Butler loses this game, I’m turning it off right away because I won’t be able to look at the faces of both the winners and the losers.  And fuck one shining moment.  This game is about to prove that there is no god.

Hayward misses a veerrrrry tough shot, Zoubek rebounds and is fouled.  No chance.  What an impossible shot, even though he was being fouled by Singler on the drive.  Whatever.  What the fuck ever.

3.6 - Zoubek hits the first.  Butler has no timeouts.  Desperation 3 almost makes it at the buzzer.  Almost.  Makes.  It.  I’m turning this off.