So one thing I still can’t get used to living in Austin are the highways.  Without going into much detail on the highways here, there is one thing on the highways that I fucking love.

On the one I take to work, there are a few electronic signs every few miles that sometimes post alerts.  You know, like if there’s an accident or if there’s a flood warning or if a kid gets kidnapped or if an old person goes missing.

Wait.  When an old person goes missing?  When did we start caring about this?

Kidnappings, okay, I get that.  Many years ago they created the “Amber Alert” for when a child gets abducted (and why anyone would want to steal a child is still beyond my comprehension).  The Amber Alert, was of course named after some girl named Jenny or something.  Was that John Walsch’s kid?  I don’t know.
But these old people alerts?  They have no name.  So I came up with one: MYRTLE ALERTS.
And they’re always nearly the same:

MISSING ELDERLY

LAST SEEN DRIVING WHITE OLDSMOBILE (because I DARE you to see a Myrtle Alert where the old man is driving a Benz, it’s always a goddamn Oldsmobile or Lincoln Towncar).

LICENSE PLATE: 8TYRSLD

And then they say where the old man was last seen.  And seriously, it’s NEVER anywhere remotely close to Austin.  It’s like, LAST SEEN: FAIRBANKS ALASKA ON A SNOWMOBILE.  And I’m thinking, I doubt he made it all the way here on a snowmobile.  That’s just ridiculous.
But really for me, the issue is who cares?  Elderly people don’t go missing.  They run away.  Let them go.  They’re either running away because they hate you, or they’re running away because they love you but they’re suffering from dementia that’s making them think that you are a demon.  Either way, just let them go.  It’s easier for everyone.  You get to not deal with your batshit crazy relatives and grandpa gets to go fight space aliens from stealing his childhood dog.  It’s win win.